Page 4 | Please someone hold my hand

Purplesphere11 · 2025-02-08T18:54:16+00:00

Mane changed for this. Today I was discarded by my narcissistic partner. We were together 2 years and lived together. He discarded me many times in the past but for the last 9 months things seemed ok (that's the longest he's gone without discarding me.). I won't say it came out of nowhere as last week in our local bar he said he wanted me gone. I asked why did you have sex with me this afternoon and he said I wanted to F you one last time. This was in front of friends and neighbours. I made sure that was the last time and I had moved possessions out of the flat. Things he wouldn't notice of mine. Last night he seemed fine and then started saying he wanted me gone. I'm badly truma bonded to.this man. He's done some sick evil things to me in two years and I let him. He's humiliated me, abandoned me, cheated on me, made me have accidents, gaslit me, shouted at me, driven away and walked away when we've been out. He was not even a bit bothered while I packed. He went food shopping then came back and started cooking? Like wtf. Twisted. I'm now with family but they don't understand as they haven't witnessed narcissist abuse. I'm completely bereft. Too numb to cry.

TheFatCatsWhiskers1 · 13/03/2025 21:57

@Purplesphere11 this is an addiction, the only way to break the cycle is to cut him off and face the horror that is the withdrawals. It will be awful at first but you WILL get through it, and you will feel so much better once he no longer has this hold over you. This is your one life, do you really want to spend it this way?

i would highly recommend reading Women Who Love Too Much which covers this. I put off reading it for years because the title made me cringe, but it was life changing for me

https://www.eeducationgroup.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much-Robin-Norwood.pdf

Zenana · 14/03/2025 00:24

TheFatCatsWhiskers1 · 13/03/2025 21:57

@Purplesphere11 this is an addiction, the only way to break the cycle is to cut him off and face the horror that is the withdrawals. It will be awful at first but you WILL get through it, and you will feel so much better once he no longer has this hold over you. This is your one life, do you really want to spend it this way?

i would highly recommend reading Women Who Love Too Much which covers this. I put off reading it for years because the title made me cringe, but it was life changing for me

https://www.eeducationgroup.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much-Robin-Norwood.pdf

That's a really good recommendation.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 14/03/2025 08:32

How are you feeling @Purplesphere11 ?

Spooky2000 · 15/03/2025 10:35

Purplesphere11 · 13/03/2025 12:10

When I'm without him the colour drains from the world. I get anxious and I miss him like mad. I know I'm pathetic but that's the truth

Nope, not pathetic. Remember, trauma bonds cause a chemical reaction not dissimilar to addiction. So this is an addiction and those can be broken.

For me, I did the Freedom project with my local DV support centre. It helped me massively but I will say that I returned a couple of times and then something just clicked inside me and I emotionally checked out before I physically left. Separating is always really hard because of the chemical reaction in the brain, remembering the good times and wishing they were there etc. The good times ARE the mask though and it's the shitty part of him which is real.

The freedom project helped me because I was sat in a room with 11 other women who had all gone through the same thing and that was comforting and empowering. I felt a bit of a failure when I returned a couple of times, but now I'm really, really happy and it's been nearly 4 months. This time I know I won't go back and I relish knowing that his other supply thinks she has 'won'... Oh no you haven't lovey. Just you wait and see ...😁

You CAN leave eventually but need support to do so. Are you on any antidepressants?

Original poster

Purplesphere11 · 31/03/2025 12:50

Spooky2000 · 15/03/2025 10:35

Nope, not pathetic. Remember, trauma bonds cause a chemical reaction not dissimilar to addiction. So this is an addiction and those can be broken.

For me, I did the Freedom project with my local DV support centre. It helped me massively but I will say that I returned a couple of times and then something just clicked inside me and I emotionally checked out before I physically left. Separating is always really hard because of the chemical reaction in the brain, remembering the good times and wishing they were there etc. The good times ARE the mask though and it's the shitty part of him which is real.

The freedom project helped me because I was sat in a room with 11 other women who had all gone through the same thing and that was comforting and empowering. I felt a bit of a failure when I returned a couple of times, but now I'm really, really happy and it's been nearly 4 months. This time I know I won't go back and I relish knowing that his other supply thinks she has 'won'... Oh no you haven't lovey. Just you wait and see ...😁

You CAN leave eventually but need support to do so. Are you on any antidepressants?

Show quote history

I've decided I need to leave. After all that was said by him during the hoover he now wants to avoid those conversations. I think I'm emotionally checking out so that's a good thing. I'm just planning now with a friend to come and get me when he's next in the office. How I wish he could've been who he proported to be in the beginning

OP posts:

Imbusytodaysorry · 31/03/2025 13:16

@Purplesphere11 op he never will be . The beginning was an act the now is who he is .
You will wats a life time waiting for him to treat you right or be who he lead you to believe he was.
IT WAS ALL A LIE!

Get out . Cry . Let the colour drain from
your face. Let this be the last time your hurt because of this man.
Then next come peace . You will
enjoy not being on edge or controlled . It the best feeling ever.
The colour will return in your cheeks and your life.

This time when you leave . Please delete his number and get a new phone number for yourself. Block his emails !

Good luck ! I hope you find the strength!

Original poster

Purplesphere11 · 31/03/2025 13:20

Imbusytodaysorry · 31/03/2025 13:16

@Purplesphere11 op he never will be . The beginning was an act the now is who he is .
You will wats a life time waiting for him to treat you right or be who he lead you to believe he was.
IT WAS ALL A LIE!

Get out . Cry . Let the colour drain from
your face. Let this be the last time your hurt because of this man.
Then next come peace . You will
enjoy not being on edge or controlled . It the best feeling ever.
The colour will return in your cheeks and your life.

This time when you leave . Please delete his number and get a new phone number for yourself. Block his emails !

Good luck ! I hope you find the strength!

Thank you. I know it's the only way forward. I'm now miles away from my family and I believe this has been done to isolate me further. I wish I'd known about these types of personalities before I met him. Never occurred to me people could be so manipulative and vindictive.

OP posts:

Imbusytodaysorry · 31/03/2025 13:28

Purplesphere11 · 31/03/2025 13:20

Thank you. I know it's the only way forward. I'm now miles away from my family and I believe this has been done to isolate me further. I wish I'd known about these types of personalities before I met him. Never occurred to me people could be so manipulative and vindictive.

Show quote history

It’s definitely been done to isolate you .
I don’t think many know about these people untill encountered personally sadly !
Do as much reading as you can it will help you accept it’s not you it’s him !
Classic narcassist . “It you , it’s your fault “ finger pointing . Well op it’s not you. It’s bloody him .

Do you know where you are going once friend collects you ?
If there is anything else you’re struggling with mention it here and see if others can help you figure it out .

Original poster

Purplesphere11 · 31/03/2025 13:33

Imbusytodaysorry · 31/03/2025 13:28

It’s definitely been done to isolate you .
I don’t think many know about these people untill encountered personally sadly !
Do as much reading as you can it will help you accept it’s not you it’s him !
Classic narcassist . “It you , it’s your fault “ finger pointing . Well op it’s not you. It’s bloody him .

Do you know where you are going once friend collects you ?
If there is anything else you’re struggling with mention it here and see if others can help you figure it out .

Show quote history

Thank you. My friend can't get me until next week. I wish it were today as he's out all day today. I'm going back to my family. It's going to be hell on earth but as I say every discard. He never deserved me in the first place. It's like I'm addicted to him but he's dropped the ball a little moving me here. It's not what I'm used to and I don't like it. I loved our previous home and he took that away from me. It was close to my family. I can't wait to get back to them. His smile even gives me the creeps now. It's evil

OP posts:

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/03/2025 14:13

Hopefully in time you will build some strength.
You are actually in hell on earth now by comparison.
Going back near to home and friends should be a huge improvement.
You did have a home of sorts with this man and while you liked the home, he still treated you appallingly within it.
With time hopefully you will have a little more agency. It won’t be about what he took from you, or that he’s not good enough.
Your life needs to be about you now and I know that is tough. So you can be in a headspace where you don’t feel a pull towards someone like him.
Wanting him to change, wanting to go back in time, wishing you’d known what he was like, how can he be so cruel…. you will drive yourself mad with this stuff. He’s an abusive narc and that’s all there is to know about him.
Get a new email address. Yes, it’s a pain but in these situations we all make excuses as to why we can’t do things, but by leaving an avenue open, he will see it as a weakness.

Original poster

Purplesphere11 · 31/03/2025 14:14

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/03/2025 14:13

Hopefully in time you will build some strength.
You are actually in hell on earth now by comparison.
Going back near to home and friends should be a huge improvement.
You did have a home of sorts with this man and while you liked the home, he still treated you appallingly within it.
With time hopefully you will have a little more agency. It won’t be about what he took from you, or that he’s not good enough.
Your life needs to be about you now and I know that is tough. So you can be in a headspace where you don’t feel a pull towards someone like him.
Wanting him to change, wanting to go back in time, wishing you’d known what he was like, how can he be so cruel…. you will drive yourself mad with this stuff. He’s an abusive narc and that’s all there is to know about him.
Get a new email address. Yes, it’s a pain but in these situations we all make excuses as to why we can’t do things, but by leaving an avenue open, he will see it as a weakness.

Edited

I intend to set a rule on my email so his go to trash

OP posts:

Lurkingandlearning · 31/03/2025 14:38

I've blocked him but he will just make a new email and contact me. That's his usual tactic
Set yourself up a new email account. Give it to people you trust and amend your contact details on your accounts, work etc. I know it will be a chore but once you’ve redirected everyone else to your new email address he can send as many emails as he wants and you won’t need to look at that account to see them. But he won’t know that you’re not reading them and won’t need

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 31/03/2025 14:52

I've read all your posts and you've really been through the mill with this horrific person. It's really difficult to leave an abusive relationship, even when you recognise all the signs as you've clearly done when you left the last time.
Your friend can't come today but can you get a taxi and get yourself out of there?
Wishing you clarity of mind and strong resolve to hold fast against him when he tries to hoover you back again.

Original poster

Purplesphere11 · 31/03/2025 16:14

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 31/03/2025 14:52

I've read all your posts and you've really been through the mill with this horrific person. It's really difficult to leave an abusive relationship, even when you recognise all the signs as you've clearly done when you left the last time.
Your friend can't come today but can you get a taxi and get yourself out of there?
Wishing you clarity of mind and strong resolve to hold fast against him when he tries to hoover you back again.

Thank you. There's too much for me to manage alone. Plus family haven't replied and I don't want to just turn up if they're not in. He's on his way home now. I need to plan better

OP posts:

Spooky2000 · 01/04/2025 01:56

It'll still be hell for you when you leave. You might even return a few times, or if he gets a bit more desperate, he'll perhaps turn up at your family address and give you the epiphany story, straight out of a narcissist playbook.

I don't mean to come across as scaring you or criticise you, I'm not. I'm realistic, having had 3 of these in my lifetime. Jeez, they're convincing. The last narcissist sobbed and sobbed when I ended it and went absolutely hysterical and called the police. It was retaliation for dropp him, but it was an award winning performance. I was arrested on the back of that and his false allegations, obviously. He was back with the other supply within days.

Depending on the type of narc they are depends on the damage they will attempt to do to you, and whether they use ultra manipulative tactics such as threatening suicide, self harming if you're there, a major smear campaign including contacting your employer and friends with absolute lies. My advice is never give them any idea what you're planning....just get your shit together and get out.

The mask (as has been said previously) was the one at the start. I was like you and really wanted and hoped that he would 'go back ' to who he was, but it was never there in the first place. It broke my heart. With the help and support I got, I began to accept that this is who he was, and you will too. You can't change him or do anything different. But you'll be upset for a long time which is why it's crucial to get outside support from people who really understand these personalities.

If someone has told me each time who this person was, I wouldn't have believed it and still have a problem wrapping my head around the fact that people deliberately behave this way. But they do.

shiningstar2 · 01/04/2025 02:10

You say he has discarded you 25 times in 9 months. He has driven you to your family and said 'be happy'. He is playing psychological abusive games with you op ...but you know that. He thinks he can throw you down like this then call you back again whenever he likes.
You need to be properly out of this relationship which is abusive in every way. But that is going to need massive determination on your part op. He will call you back again raising your hopes of a better relationship and then the cycle of you feeling up and down begins again ...with him in charge of your physical, emotional and mental health.
Now you are not living with him op the ball is in your court ...until he calls you back again. You will need great strength of will, determination and all the help you can get to break this cycle
Start now by refusing to have any communication with him whatsoever and get support from friends, family and your doctor. Good luck with your future. Be strong. Don't let him call the shots and eventually you will wonder why you ever put up with this. 💐

shiningstar2 · 01/04/2025 02:27

Oh I can see you are still with him. I misread and thought you had left again. I hope you are able to move right away op ...both physically and emotionally. It will be a long journey but very worth it. 💐

Original poster

Purplesphere11 · 01/04/2025 07:58

Spooky2000 · 01/04/2025 01:56

It'll still be hell for you when you leave. You might even return a few times, or if he gets a bit more desperate, he'll perhaps turn up at your family address and give you the epiphany story, straight out of a narcissist playbook.

I don't mean to come across as scaring you or criticise you, I'm not. I'm realistic, having had 3 of these in my lifetime. Jeez, they're convincing. The last narcissist sobbed and sobbed when I ended it and went absolutely hysterical and called the police. It was retaliation for dropp him, but it was an award winning performance. I was arrested on the back of that and his false allegations, obviously. He was back with the other supply within days.

Depending on the type of narc they are depends on the damage they will attempt to do to you, and whether they use ultra manipulative tactics such as threatening suicide, self harming if you're there, a major smear campaign including contacting your employer and friends with absolute lies. My advice is never give them any idea what you're planning....just get your shit together and get out.

The mask (as has been said previously) was the one at the start. I was like you and really wanted and hoped that he would 'go back ' to who he was, but it was never there in the first place. It broke my heart. With the help and support I got, I began to accept that this is who he was, and you will too. You can't change him or do anything different. But you'll be upset for a long time which is why it's crucial to get outside support from people who really understand these personalities.

If someone has told me each time who this person was, I wouldn't have believed it and still have a problem wrapping my head around the fact that people deliberately behave this way. But they do.

Edited

Thank you. It's just so hard. We've only been together a couple of years but he's such a huge part of my life. I'm looking at doing some volunteering and at a new career. I need to focus on other things

OP posts:

Spooky2000 · 03/04/2025 15:46

Well your first focus should be to leave and get your own place, somewhere he has no idea where you are. Then change all your emails etc. Then join other women for support 😉

Zenana · 04/04/2025 06:43

Purplesphere11 · 01/04/2025 07:58

Thank you. It's just so hard. We've only been together a couple of years but he's such a huge part of my life. I'm looking at doing some volunteering and at a new career. I need to focus on other things

Show quote history

It's amazing how someone can worm their way so much into someone's life in that space of time. I wish you all the best in untangling yourself. Think of how awful he is to keep you on the right path in the short term.

Please don't give your agency away to someone like him. You know he's never going to change, keep focused on that knowledge.

Original poster

Purplesphere11 · 08/04/2025 13:34

Zenana · 04/04/2025 06:43

It's amazing how someone can worm their way so much into someone's life in that space of time. I wish you all the best in untangling yourself. Think of how awful he is to keep you on the right path in the short term.

Please don't give your agency away to someone like him. You know he's never going to change, keep focused on that knowledge.

Edited

Show quote history

It's all part of the barcs playbook. I know I have to leave. He's been really lovely lately but I know it's only a matter of time before the other shoe drops

OP posts:

Tinyrabbit · 08/04/2025 13:53

"I really need to hate him so I can leave"
No, you need to become indifferent to him, to watch him play out his games with all the detachment of a scientist studying an insect. Then you'll know you are free. The grey rock is your friend.