Please someone hold my hand

[Purplesphere11]

Mane changed for this. Today I was discarded by my narcissistic partner. We were together 2 years and lived together. He discarded me many times in the past but for the last 9 months things seemed ok (that's the longest he's gone without discarding me.). I won't say it came out of nowhere as last week in our local bar he said he wanted me gone. I asked why did you have sex with me this afternoon and he said I wanted to F you one last time. This was in front of friends and neighbours.

I made sure that was the last time and I had moved possessions out of the flat. Things he wouldn't notice of mine. Last night he seemed fine and then started saying he wanted me gone.

I'm badly truma bonded to.this man. He's done some sick evil things to me in two years and I let him. He's humiliated me, abandoned me, cheated on me, made me have accidents, gaslit me, shouted at me, driven away and walked away when we've been out. He was not even a bit bothered while I packed. He went food shopping then came back and started cooking? Like wtf. Twisted.

I'm now with family but they don't understand as they haven't witnessed narcissist abuse. I'm completely bereft. Too numb to cry.

How much older is he @Purplesphere11 ?
Is there any chance he wants you to be around to provide care.
I just read your first post on here and it’s so sad, the terrible things he’s done.
I am just a few years older than you, have been around some shitty behaviours. Now with someone who’s fantastic. Not perfect but a different ball game in terms of how I get treated.
Also - and this is separate - neither of us drink. We aren’t po-faced about it, both for health reasons, but never again will I be around drunken abuse.
How do your kids feel about this man?

He's 8 years older. My kids love him. They don't get it. They have never met a narcissist. They don't believe me

I’m so sorry. @Purplesphere11 have you explained any of this to them? I know it’s not ideal, but they just have known you’ve been hurt/upset?
Narcs are experts at winning over family members.
A close friend of mine was a victim of physical DV. Really bad, which has left her disabled. At one point, the husband convinced her dad who adored her, that she was mentally ill and abusing him. Her dad believed the husband for a while. When her parents found out the real story they were devastated.
I hate to think of a lady my age living like you are now. There is a different way to live. You just want somebody to love, after all.
Sadly, women end up losing their friends and family and are really stuck alone with an abuser.
You have a chance to do something here, but only you can leave and stick to it. Others can support you, but you have to make the break.
I bet his ex wife was beaten down at some point. But she sounds on the mend now. It can be done.
Don’t stay with a man who doesn’t love you.

She's actually my inspiration but she still leans on him too. I have good and bad times. I'm broken. I hate him. I love him and that makes me hate myself. I'm pathetic

@Purplesphere11 don’t put her on a pedestal she’s just a woman like you.
You aren’t pathetic at all. You have been vulnerable and he’s worn you down.
Do you really love him? I don’t think you do. I think you want somebody to love.
While he stands in the doorway in your life, he stops you from escaping, and blocks the way of someone to come in and care for you.
I know it’s hard but only you can remove him and stay removed. Nobody else can do it for you.
I am off to bed. Will say a prayer for you.
And I can remember sitting in a gutter once, after leaving, literally sat outside, waiting for a lift to escape. Never thought it would get better. Took a long time but it did. You can do it.

How are you doing today @Purplesphere11 ?

Good morning. I'm just so anxious. He's WFH which is quite usual. My fibromyalgia is flaring probably due to the stress. I'm just reading every spare minute about narcissistic abuse. It's like I need to drum it into my head. I questioned him last night about the move behind my back and the discard. As you will already know I didn't get any answers, just word salad. I'm so afraid of being without him.

Yes call the folder WANKER and all his rubbish will go in there.

Ignore my previous post as I hadn't seen you had gone back to this clown.

What do you love about him?
What are you afraid of will happen if you are without him?

Why are you so afraid of being without him when he’s clearly causing you distress?
Your life now is centred around him. He is working (possibly the only positive thing he does?) and you are devoting your time reading up on narc abuse.
You probably know enough.
Fibro is made far worse by stress. You are literally making yourself ill.
Is this what you want for your precious life?

Stop trying to hate him, you need time and space away from him to do that.
Start loving yourself, just you and do what everyone would want you to do.
Don't wait till you're discarded, that's not his call anymore. On a good day whilst on your own with no drama happening. Wander around your new house with fresh eyes, it's just another trap. Let me guess, it's how he wants it, it's all his decisions? Not any more. Pack your bag calmly and say goodbye to the empty house and leave. Message him that your done, any further harassment will be recorded, shown to others, police.

You said you wanted a fun date with someone else, you can!

When I'm without him the colour drains from the world. I get anxious and I miss him like mad. I know I'm pathetic but that's the truth

I think if you are determined to stay with him then there is very little anyone else can do.
Sitting in a house, in pain, looking up narc information, full of anxiety, is not living a life filled with colour. It’s a life devoid of all the things you need to thrive as a human - peace, security, love and respect.
He may not be hugely physically violent, I’m not sure on that, but he’s abused you to the point that you would rather be with him in that abuse, than without him.
Your life could be so, so different. Enjoying your family, meeting friends, a lovely coffee meeting, a day trip, the theatre, even a holiday.
The whole world is out there waiting for you to live in it. If only you could see your own worth, and what colour in your life really means. It comes from a vibrancy in your own heart, and the enjoyment of living a free life.
I hope you get there one day.

I feel for you, really I do but I'm sorry, that is just ridiculous. It sounds like something from Jackie magazine circa 1978.

Do you have a job, family, friends, hobbies, interests? Why so wrapped up in him who is just a stupid clown anyway?

I think, to paraphrase Robert Palmer, you're gonna have to face it you're addicted to abuse. It's terribly unhealthy and I would start by referring yourself for counselling.

@Purplesphere11 Jace you search for counsellors ? Have you called any?
This would be the first thing I do .

I can't afford it. I've looked. I've tried women's aid to get advice but he's with me most of the time WFH.

Thank you. I hope you never experience severe cognitive dissonance. It's akin to Stockholm syndrome. I need help not victim blaming.

So essentially I've tried the chat but I'm always about 30 in the queue. I've called and it has me on hold

Search domestic abuse charity and the county you live in. You’ll likely have more local support available to you which can include face to face support.

OP what help would you like?
I know last time I think this man took you back to your family home?
To have counselling even if it was provided you would need a safe space.
If you were able to get away, what would help you stay away this time?
Because I do remember he hounds you.
But you are also a very, very bright woman and in your own words a tough old bird.
At least have a think about what might help you, if there were resources.
Do you think there is anything you could do to help yourself - it could just be a tiny thing?

I'm sorry you felt like that, and there is no victim blaming going on from me. The person to blame is this horrible man you are mixed up with, but I don't understand what you see in him - this is the cognitive dissonance you mention, I imagine. But you won't unpick that all by yourself.

I noticed from your comment earlier that you said you couldn't afford therapy but there are options where you don't have to pay - start with your GP. I am actually having therapy myself (not for something like this though) and I pay £25 for a 50-min session. They do charge very little for those who can't afford it and ask for donations. Please give it a go.

Are you allowed out a walk . Do you go to the shops ? Out for a coffee ?

If you try to go out are you kept on the house ?

I feel it’s like a drug addiction .
cold turkey. Ask a Family member to take the phone . Even a whole new number and I’d get a new email too .
I think op doesn’t want to change email its her route to him.

Once at a family members use the time going to women’s aid office and saying “help me “

They can help with a home he doesn’t know about. .
Do you not work op ? And you don’t have rent ?
what are your outgoings ? Can you not re arrange and make Counseling a priority ? @Purplesphere11

@Purplesphere11 Try CHAT GPT if you can’t afford therapy. Honestly I was sceptical but it’s truly amazing and the AI really does help with gaining some clarity. I am still not sure if it replaces the face to face therapy option but it’s a 24/7 option, free and gives you the chance to vent when you need to, it’s been an absolute game changer for me!

I think the OP is terrified of being without the guy so that will be an influence, even if a subconscious one.