Please someone hold my hand

[Purplesphere11]

Mane changed for this. Today I was discarded by my narcissistic partner. We were together 2 years and lived together. He discarded me many times in the past but for the last 9 months things seemed ok (that's the longest he's gone without discarding me.). I won't say it came out of nowhere as last week in our local bar he said he wanted me gone. I asked why did you have sex with me this afternoon and he said I wanted to F you one last time. This was in front of friends and neighbours.

I made sure that was the last time and I had moved possessions out of the flat. Things he wouldn't notice of mine. Last night he seemed fine and then started saying he wanted me gone.

I'm badly truma bonded to.this man. He's done some sick evil things to me in two years and I let him. He's humiliated me, abandoned me, cheated on me, made me have accidents, gaslit me, shouted at me, driven away and walked away when we've been out. He was not even a bit bothered while I packed. He went food shopping then came back and started cooking? Like wtf. Twisted.

I'm now with family but they don't understand as they haven't witnessed narcissist abuse. I'm completely bereft. Too numb to cry.

Thank you. I've tried that in the past. He just makes more and more addresses. Or contacts me at work. He's clinically insane

True.

@Purplesphere11 I don't know what platform you're using for email, but on some you can enter key words to look for and direct it to go straight to the bin. It's not too difficult to set up. It doesn't have to be an email address; it's the key words within the message that diverts it, so it wouldn't matter how many email addresses he makes, they'd go straight to the bin.

@Purplesphere11I'm glad you're back on a surer footing today. You haven't heard the last of him but I'm sure you know that. It is hard not to believe someone who says they love you, if you love them. It is difficult to even conceive the idea that this person has no real feelings or intention and that you are only there to serve their immediate needs. I still have trouble getting my head around that sometimes, because when these people are emotional, they are extraordinarily convincing.... until they're done feeding on you again.

You are doing the right thing. Potentially change your email address, or set up an account with duckduckgo which can divert and delete emails for you, I think.

Well done on staying strong ❤️👏🏻

Thank you. We had a perfectly good home. He's now begging me to move to the area where his estranged wife lives to be near his kids. Both adults. Utterly bonkers

Hopefully you've not responded. The main issue now is that you can still see his 'efforts', which will be tugging at your heartstrings. Until you end all contact and don't read anything he sends you will be manipulated and will likely return.

Well I have to admit it's tough but I knew the discard was coming for a while so I already started to detach. I don't intend on giving him access to me again. I was supposed to be on a lunch date this afternoon with a rather dishy doctor but I've had to postpone as this has thrown me and I want to impress on my first date. I know it's not advised but I feel I should have some fun. Nothing serious. Just casual dates. Meals out and nice walks etc. don't see the harm

Well, it can mean that you miss signs of potential abuse, when it's soon afterwards, but you do you 🙂 As long as you're clear to the doc that you're looking for casual, then it's his decision whether he stays, innit. I used to say (but this was in my 20s and I'm now in my 50s!) 'get over one by getting under another' 😁. Of course it has thrown you; take a bit of time out for yourself.

For me, these days I choose to be single and I enjoy it. I would encourage you to do some introspection and also, to see if you can do the Freedom program run by DV charities. It really helped me.

Stay strong ❤️

I've heard of that. Yeah introspection. I have been and realised I have left over childhood trauma. I'm at peace with it now. Can't be altered. I just never knew about covert narcissism. Had no idea and I'm very late 40s. It should be taught in schools.

Well.the hoovering continues. It's like whack a mole. Delete one account he makes a fresh one. He wants me to help him. He doesn't know what he's doing. He won't do it again. And the best one he wants me to move into his house. The house he owns where is estranged wife lives with their adult children. Utterly batshit

Is there any way you can change YOUR email address? I know it’s drastic, but it would end it once and for all

Sadly I can't as it's used for so much.

I know dating can be fun but at this stage you are far too vulnerable OP. Your emotions are all over the place and there’s a good chance you will walk straight into another narc.
Give yourself a bit of time and space. You’ve been hurt enough.

Thread update. I've been a fool. I went back to him again. I already know it was a huge mistake

Back to your previous home or the one he wanted you to move to, to be closer to his kids?

Yeah. The new place

Doesn’t mean you can’t leave again - and hopefully for the last time this time :)

Gosh OP I’ve read both your threads. He’s discarded you 20 times. I think he’s slept with his ex wife’s sister.
You are very kind to people on other threads - tell them to run and not look back.
You say you love him and can’t live without him.
He doesn’t love you. You are just fuel fur his ego.
He has abused you. You have now placed yourself in an even more vulnerable position.
You have people in your life with do love you - your children and grandkids. They will be devastated.
At 50, or thereabouts, you should be in a place where you can enjoy life with them. You don’t need a man, or even a date, to do that.
It is stated that abused women will leave up to
7 times before they do so for good. I’m not sure how many times you’ve left before, but you clearly need support.
@tipsyjoker could you offer some sound advice as you are very helpful to women on here.
I feel so sad for you that you’ve done this but I suppose everyone who has followed your posts would just hope you can leave again, and leave for good.
It is your only option.

And sorry to ask but to be clear the house where his estranged wife lives? Surely she’s not still in it?!!!

No. That was my assumption. She's still in her home. We now live a stones throw away from her. And she's aware I'm here. We were spotted by one of her friends. She was furious with him as it's on her doorstep and I don't blame her one bit. I'm so trauma bonded. I've been here a couple of weeks now. He told me at the weekend he doesn't love me as much as I love him. Completely contradictory to the hoover where he was saying he couldn't live without me etc. Honestly I'm no moron but I fell for it as I'm so deeply trauma bonded. I don't know how to detach from it. And thank you for being so supportive. It's truly appreciated

I assume OP that you won’t have any friends or a support system nearby? Plus now you have the issue of his ex nearby who does have support.
It is not your problem but she’s managed to get away from him, and how he’s moved back nearby with a new partner? That feels very, very manipulative and I’m sure he’s delighted he’s provoked a reaction.
It’s not that you love him more than he loves you. He doesn’t love you at all.
You have been together such a short time in real terms and you have said previously he’s abused you in some horrific ways.
Did he care when you were suicidal?
I want to be careful with my words as I know you must feel vulnerable but only you can make the choice now.
If you are trauma-bonded then you need help with that.
He only says what you ‘need’ to hear when he can’t hoover you and get his supply. It’s a cycle which you are already aware of.
You sound like a really bright, caring lady.
In your heart of hearts, what do you want? For yourself and your future.

You need to complete the freedom programme online, read overcoming low self esteem and to find a therapist. Good luck!

I want him to change but I know that isn't possible. 95% of the time he's good to me. Yes the move is manipulative. During the hoover he said he had asked me to move her when we were out one night and I had said no. I don't remember but I could have been drunk. Ashamed to say it's been a crutch. I'm actually thinking he discarded me and had clearly already begun the process of the new rental. He either thought I wouldn't move here as I'd already said no so he dumped me before he left so I would come here when he reached out knowing how much I love him. Or he planned to move here alone and then realised he needs my supply. Doesn't matter either way does it. I just wish I'd never met him. His wife invited him round under false pretences and then ambushed him about me being here. This is what he told me and he was visibly off kilter when he arrived back. She said she wants the divorce dealing with asap now. No dragging it out. She also told him she doesn't blame me and that she knows he lied to me as well as her and it's all on him. Good for her. Because it is all on him

Sounds like you know him, and his tactics.

These kind of men know what to say to you to reel you back in.
He is managed 25 times before to reel you in? What makes you think he deserves you?

He knows now that he will always get you back, seeing you took him back 25x, and for you to put your foot down now is only a little challenge for men like that, so I want you to be vigilant. Is he likely to turn up at your door with flowers and chocolates? Stalk you?

I am not trying to frighten you but if he has form of discarding you, knowing your weaknesses, men like that use women, they don't love them, the don't know how, and mirror you, to make you fall for them, so just be careful.

Don't engage anymore. Know your worth even though he hopes you don't by the way he treats you. He is showing you how he feels you should be treated, and I am telling you what he is doing is a reflection of him.

The ONLY reason he keeps coming back is because of what you offer. Safe space, love, sex, food, etc. He does not love you. I am sorry. Been there myself and I know the turmoil you are going through. So I am shouting across the pond, KNOW YOUR WORTH 🤗

I’m just wondering what being good 95 per cent of the time looks like? Because what he does in the 5 per cent is horrid.
You want him to change. OP it’s impossible for him. And he has no desire to because he gets what he wants.
His ex sounds like she’s got herself to a better place and she sounds like she’s had some empathy for you.
How do your friends and family feel about the move?

I'm so glad she has peace. She's been so strong. He's currently on the toilet with his phone obviously. I really need to hate him so I can leave and not pang for him

Yeah. I'm really trying.