My boyfriend is a kind man, he is extremely committed to me and our little boy. He is loyal and works hard, does his share of everything and has an over developed sense of responsibility in all areas of his life.
when I was 8 months pregnant he was diagnosed with adhd. It causes constant problems in our relationship. Forgetting things (I just got pulled over the police for bit having a valid MOT- this was literally the ONE thing he’d said he would take on the alleviate the pressure of all the household/life admin on my shoulders), this is just one example of hundreds like this, he loses things constantly, locks himself out, breaks things, leaves the oven on all night, doesn’t listen to instructions and get things wrong, comes back with only half the shopping in the list, promises he’s packed everything and I double check with him and then we realise we have no towels at the swimming pool, forgets to put enough parking in and we get a fine etc etc etc every day there is some kind of drama. Its exhausting.
im sick of feeling like im the only adult in the relationship and I don’t feel like I admire much in him these days. Organisation and the house being as together as it can be is really important for my sense of wellbeing. His adhd symptoms have got much worse since we have a kid and I just have less energy and patience to fix his mistakes and pick up the slack.
added to this he has severe issues with emotional regulation and knowing how to express himself in a healthy way. He frequently swears at me and in anger resorts to name calling, throwing things and gaslighting, often when I try to hold him accountable he tries to tell me I’m unhinged/a psychopath, or that I made the mistake myself. It’s utterly infuriating and really not ok.
we have been to couples therapy twice, he is currently in therapy (and things have improved somewhat- there is less abusive language and his anger blow ups don’t last as long - sometimes it would be 24 hours of hell) now he mostly comes round and apologises relatively quickly but it doesn’t seem like it’s something that will really change - despite his efforts.
he says he feels criticised by me , which I do understand as I get frustrated with him, and I do have higher standards than some people may. he is extremely defensive and I will often find a simple request is met with a “I was doing that!!” Response in an irritate tone. When I’m just trying to make sure everything gets done around the house and asking him to pick up a dirty spot he left on the floor or cut his nails (which get disgustingly long sometimes).
he is on elvanse and guanfecine but it doesn’t seem to have made much difference honestly. He’s tried various doses etc. I’m on antidepressants as I feel so stressed out by his day to day chaos and potential outbursts.
he is an amazing dad. Fun, caring, committed and I really need him to be here, my son is very rambunctious and is strong willed and going through tantrum 2s! He is 21 months and wonderful but also very full on. I don’t see how I could cope physically and practically without my boyfriend here.
I have a history of trauma and am easily hyperaroused/anxious. I desperately want calm in my life (and he does too) but it’s hard to see how that is possible.
the other aspect that I’m finding so hard to accept is that whenever I reach out fur emotional support (which is really hard for me to do because of my background) my boyfriend panics and gets even more emotional than me, often asking lots of questions and getting overwhelmed himself. He can’t sit with me and just hold space for me until I’m able to open up (despite me explaining hundreds of times that this is what is supportive for me) he often gets angry and starts swearing at me or saying I’m using him as a punch bag (I get frustrated that he STILL can’t just sit with me and not get overly emotional when I need him to be calm).
we have been together 5 years but it’s been quite hard and my hope is fading. He’s a wonderful, funny, loving, kind man but I’m not sure he’s going to be able to give me what I need. Is what I need even possible? Does it exist? Will I harm my little boy by having a broken relationship (like the one I came from). I feel trapped and confused, lonely and unfulfilled.
thanks for reading, I’d be so grateful if you could bring kindness in your responses. I’m in a vulnerable place.