ADHD boyfriend can't adult or stop being abusive - we have a 20 month old son

[Mumsa345]

My boyfriend is a kind man, he is extremely committed to me and our little boy. He is loyal and works hard, does his share of everything and has an over developed sense of responsibility in all areas of his life.

when I was 8 months pregnant he was diagnosed with adhd. It causes constant problems in our relationship. Forgetting things (I just got pulled over the police for bit having a valid MOT- this was literally the ONE thing he’d said he would take on the alleviate the pressure of all the household/life admin on my shoulders), this is just one example of hundreds like this, he loses things constantly, locks himself out, breaks things, leaves the oven on all night, doesn’t listen to instructions and get things wrong, comes back with only half the shopping in the list, promises he’s packed everything and I double check with him and then we realise we have no towels at the swimming pool, forgets to put enough parking in and we get a fine etc etc etc every day there is some kind of drama. Its exhausting.

im sick of feeling like im the only adult in the relationship and I don’t feel like I admire much in him these days. Organisation and the house being as together as it can be is really important for my sense of wellbeing. His adhd symptoms have got much worse since we have a kid and I just have less energy and patience to fix his mistakes and pick up the slack.

added to this he has severe issues with emotional regulation and knowing how to express himself in a healthy way. He frequently swears at me and in anger resorts to name calling, throwing things and gaslighting, often when I try to hold him accountable he tries to tell me I’m unhinged/a psychopath, or that I made the mistake myself. It’s utterly infuriating and really not ok.

we have been to couples therapy twice, he is currently in therapy (and things have improved somewhat- there is less abusive language and his anger blow ups don’t last as long - sometimes it would be 24 hours of hell) now he mostly comes round and apologises relatively quickly but it doesn’t seem like it’s something that will really change - despite his efforts.

he says he feels criticised by me , which I do understand as I get frustrated with him, and I do have higher standards than some people may. he is extremely defensive and I will often find a simple request is met with a “I was doing that!!” Response in an irritate tone. When I’m just trying to make sure everything gets done around the house and asking him to pick up a dirty spot he left on the floor or cut his nails (which get disgustingly long sometimes).

he is on elvanse and guanfecine but it doesn’t seem to have made much difference honestly. He’s tried various doses etc. I’m on antidepressants as I feel so stressed out by his day to day chaos and potential outbursts.

he is an amazing dad. Fun, caring, committed and I really need him to be here, my son is very rambunctious and is strong willed and going through tantrum 2s! He is 21 months and wonderful but also very full on. I don’t see how I could cope physically and practically without my boyfriend here.

I have a history of trauma and am easily hyperaroused/anxious. I desperately want calm in my life (and he does too) but it’s hard to see how that is possible.

the other aspect that I’m finding so hard to accept is that whenever I reach out fur emotional support (which is really hard for me to do because of my background) my boyfriend panics and gets even more emotional than me, often asking lots of questions and getting overwhelmed himself. He can’t sit with me and just hold space for me until I’m able to open up (despite me explaining hundreds of times that this is what is supportive for me) he often gets angry and starts swearing at me or saying I’m using him as a punch bag (I get frustrated that he STILL can’t just sit with me and not get overly emotional when I need him to be calm).

we have been together 5 years but it’s been quite hard and my hope is fading. He’s a wonderful, funny, loving, kind man but I’m not sure he’s going to be able to give me what I need. Is what I need even possible? Does it exist? Will I harm my little boy by having a broken relationship (like the one I came from). I feel trapped and confused, lonely and unfulfilled.

thanks for reading, I’d be so grateful if you could bring kindness in your responses. I’m in a vulnerable place.

The main thing that jumps out at me is that you are on anti depressants because of the impact he has on you!

Do you have depression or do you just have a shit partner? Honestly it won’t get better, and you’ll just waste years of your life. And for the record, your standards are not to high if you want a brown ass man to tidy up after himself and feel like you can trust him to take care of household responsibility)

'A kind man' Hahahahaha!

He's an arsehole. Dump. He won't change.

The stats around divorce in adhd relationships say everything. It is really hard living with someone who has adhd, the forgetfulness etc isn’t so much the issue as the emotional reactivity. It’s exhausting living with someone like this. I don’t tend to find drugs really make any difference in the long term( the impact seems to wear off quickly. When my OH started elvans it was like a wonder drug; no more arguments, the whole house happy and peaceful, but over the last year it doesn’t seem to have continued to help and the emotional reactivity and defensiveness is back. Everything you describe feels so familiar and it’s what so many I know with adhd partners report too. Have you seen the adhd partners group on Reddit? It’s sobering reading.
There are good adhd specialist relationship therapists out there but it really is hard work and not something I think people can understand if they haven’t tried to do it. No advice as I struggle too ; I guess just realising you aren’t going to change him. So it’s whether you can accept living like this and what you can do to adapt around it. For me, it’s just accepting there are some jobs that are easier to me to just do, because fighting over it is just too exhausting. It’s better than leaving, but only you can know if the good outweighs the bad as I don’t see it ever changing.

He is not a wonderful dad. He is abusive to you and your child is growing up witnessing this every day. This will be far more damaging to him than having parents who are separated. I hope you find the strength to leave and go it alone, for your sons sake and yours.

My boyfriend is a kind man,

He frequently swears at me and in anger resorts to name calling, throwing things and gaslighting, often when I try to hold him accountable he tries to tell me I’m unhinged/a psychopath, or that I made the mistake myself.

Your boyfriend is not a kind man.

You can co- parent but he isn’t capable of being the adult you need. You should leave someone who is abusive to you. ADHD isn’t an excuse, you aren’t here to soak up his inability to regulate.

WFT ? You describe him as a kind man then go on to say he verbally abuses you and is physically violent with you.

He is not a kind man. ADHD or not you need to get away from him for the sake of your child.

I suspect he can manage just fine a lot of the time - just prefers it when you do the hard work for him. Get some self respect and leave.

I’m on antidepressants as I feel so stressed out by his day to day chaos and potential outbursts

I got to that part and couldn’t read anymore.

Half my family ( including me) has ADHD- we are disorganised and forgetful but we don’t abuse each other.

This man is damaging your physical health, and your mental health. A good partnership is greater than the sum of its parts. This man is pulling you down.

The worst thing, the line in the sand is that he is creating emotionally damaging environment for your child

What we have here is another "He's a great Dad but" thread. You can't change him, he doesn't seem to be able to change himself. So far as your child's well being I rememeber someone saying to me that he was so relieved when his parents broke up as the shouting stopped.....

I married a man with undiagnosed ADHD. Medication usually prescribed absolutely didn't work for him, it made him much more unwell and much more manic and angry.

He's now on a combo of SSRIs and antipsychotic meds.

Be very very careful and if you don't think you can hack it leave sooner rather than later. I've stayed, but I don't have children. If I did have I can't see how I could have stayed.

I love who he is when he's well, but when he's unstable it's a horrific full time job. I'm decades in now, but if I knew in years 1-5 what I know now then I might have made a different choice. Sunk costs etc.

Life can be very hard.

He frequently swears at me and in anger resorts to name calling, throwing things and gaslighting, often when I try to hold him accountable he tries to tell me I’m unhinged/a psychopath, or that I made the mistake myself. It’s utterly infuriating and really not ok.

As someone also neurodivergent (autistic), leave the bastard.

Neurodivergence is not an excuse for abuse. Even if it was, he doesn't have the right to a girlfriend but you do have the right not to be treated like this. You are not responsible for helping him. If you wanted a "fixer-upper", you'd have bought a run-down house.

we have been together 5 years but it’s been quite hard
Imagine saying, we have been together twenty years and it has been very hard but I feel like I have left it too late to start again.

Your child’s development will have been affected because of him already. I’m no expert but I do know that a babies development is crucial

From my own experience being in a relationship with someone with ADHD, no it’s not going to change. He was disorganised, forgetful, messy, chaotic and impulsive. Constantly ringing me at work because he couldn’t find his keys or a wallet. It was exhausting. He was on different medications but they kept changing his dosage because he would be ok during the day, but in the evening the medication would start wearing off and he got very low mood. The highs and lows in his mood were just too much and he spiralled into depression and felt suicidal. Supporting some like that was hard on my mental health too and at the end I had to put myself first. Saying all that he was never shouting or being verbally abusive. Being in a relationship with someone with ADHD is challenging but the abuse is unacceptable and you do need to put yourself and your child first I’m afraid and not waiting for him to change

Yet another in the endless supply of MN threads where an abusive cunt is a kind caring and a wonderful father apparently.

I absolutely despair of the shit women will tolerate just for the few crumbs that get thrown their way.

And always there’s a poor child thrown in the mix of a toxic abusive household.

If he was almost this much of a prick you wouldn’t have dated him for very long. He’s taking the piss blaming it on adhd. It does not cause people to be abusive and it’s no coincidence he’s turned into even more of a prick since you’ve had a baby.

If you lived next door to me I would ring the police if I heard him throwing things and yelling. Eventually you’re going to have social services at your door.

@theduchessofspork eloquently said. Thank you 👏

You see it time and time again.

And they always always bleat that he’s “a good dad”.

I think some sort of societal change is needed but I’m damned if I know what it is. Teaching about basic standards of respect in relationships at school ? How to recognise an abusive relationship ?

He’s a wonderful, funny, loving, kind man

No he’s not. He’s a nasty violent abusive piece of shit.

Thank you everyone for your comments. It’s sobering reading.
I have worked very very hard to keep his outbursts away from tiny precious ears. Shutting doors. Leaving rooms etc. only having difficult discussions that could trigger arguments at night when he is asleep. but it’s true that some days I’ve been in tears and had to explain to my son That mummy is upset by something that happened but I’m going to be ok.
Luckily it’s not every day (maybe once every 2 weeks/month) and there are many positive interactions between us despite the resentment I hold towards my partner. I definitely wouldn’t have stayed had this not been the case.
i come from a background of abuse so I suppose my tolerance levels are high. I’m also not a straightforward person, I get overwhelmed and shut down easily. I also wanted to believe when little warning signs arose that therapy and experience would help him regulate his emotions and that things would improve, that it was just inexperience. There was so much good in him that I wanted to believe he could learn (as I have had to do! I’ve also had to learn to regulate my emotions when I’m triggered). But I have done it.
he desperately wants to change and get this sorted and knows I will leave if he doesn’t.
i come from a single parent family and have tried everything to avoid my son being in the same position I was. But ultimately it seems like that’s probably for the best.
my dream is that I meet someone who is calm and emotionally stable for me and my son and that I can offer him that. But those men seem few and far between, or they’ve been snapped up by women far more savvy than I have been.
thank you again for supportive words and advice.

Agree with this. That behaviour doesn't come from a 'kind' man.

OP, I left my partner for almost exactly this kind of behaviour - the fact is, it is just abuse. The ADHD is a side point. He is an abusive man and he is keeping you on edge to the point that you are taking antidepressants.

Might be worth thinking about how your child is absorbing this negative environment and chaos. He needs a calm environment to grow up in.

i come from a single parent family and have tried everything to avoid my son being in the same position I was.

And that is what makes you so vulnerable. You'll choose an abusive partner over being a single parent because you think coming from a single parent family is the worse thing in the world.

I have news! It isn't! I too was brought up by a single parent. I had a great childhood. I have a great adulthood, happily married, well balanced DCs. A single parent is not a damaging thing to be. It does not damage children. You may have been damaged as a child, but that was because your parent was poor at parenting, not because they were single.

Start evidencing his abuse. When you leave him you will be able to prove why he shouldn’t have unsupervised access to your child. He doesn’t sound stable or safe to be in charge of a challenging toddler.

‘My boyfriend is a kind man, he is extremely committed to me and our little boy. He is loyal and works hard,’
How can the above statement be true when he’s abusive, throwing things, gaslighting and name calling? He is far from kind!

"he desperately wants to change and get this sorted and knows I will leave if he doesn’t."
No. No he doesn't. Does he have a job? Does he behave to other people the way that he behaves to you?