ADHD boyfriend can't adult or stop being abusive - we have a 20 month old son

[Mumsa345]

My boyfriend is a kind man, he is extremely committed to me and our little boy. He is loyal and works hard, does his share of everything and has an over developed sense of responsibility in all areas of his life.

when I was 8 months pregnant he was diagnosed with adhd. It causes constant problems in our relationship. Forgetting things (I just got pulled over the police for bit having a valid MOT- this was literally the ONE thing he’d said he would take on the alleviate the pressure of all the household/life admin on my shoulders), this is just one example of hundreds like this, he loses things constantly, locks himself out, breaks things, leaves the oven on all night, doesn’t listen to instructions and get things wrong, comes back with only half the shopping in the list, promises he’s packed everything and I double check with him and then we realise we have no towels at the swimming pool, forgets to put enough parking in and we get a fine etc etc etc every day there is some kind of drama. Its exhausting.

im sick of feeling like im the only adult in the relationship and I don’t feel like I admire much in him these days. Organisation and the house being as together as it can be is really important for my sense of wellbeing. His adhd symptoms have got much worse since we have a kid and I just have less energy and patience to fix his mistakes and pick up the slack.

added to this he has severe issues with emotional regulation and knowing how to express himself in a healthy way. He frequently swears at me and in anger resorts to name calling, throwing things and gaslighting, often when I try to hold him accountable he tries to tell me I’m unhinged/a psychopath, or that I made the mistake myself. It’s utterly infuriating and really not ok.

we have been to couples therapy twice, he is currently in therapy (and things have improved somewhat- there is less abusive language and his anger blow ups don’t last as long - sometimes it would be 24 hours of hell) now he mostly comes round and apologises relatively quickly but it doesn’t seem like it’s something that will really change - despite his efforts.

he says he feels criticised by me , which I do understand as I get frustrated with him, and I do have higher standards than some people may. he is extremely defensive and I will often find a simple request is met with a “I was doing that!!” Response in an irritate tone. When I’m just trying to make sure everything gets done around the house and asking him to pick up a dirty spot he left on the floor or cut his nails (which get disgustingly long sometimes).

he is on elvanse and guanfecine but it doesn’t seem to have made much difference honestly. He’s tried various doses etc. I’m on antidepressants as I feel so stressed out by his day to day chaos and potential outbursts.

he is an amazing dad. Fun, caring, committed and I really need him to be here, my son is very rambunctious and is strong willed and going through tantrum 2s! He is 21 months and wonderful but also very full on. I don’t see how I could cope physically and practically without my boyfriend here.

I have a history of trauma and am easily hyperaroused/anxious. I desperately want calm in my life (and he does too) but it’s hard to see how that is possible.

the other aspect that I’m finding so hard to accept is that whenever I reach out fur emotional support (which is really hard for me to do because of my background) my boyfriend panics and gets even more emotional than me, often asking lots of questions and getting overwhelmed himself. He can’t sit with me and just hold space for me until I’m able to open up (despite me explaining hundreds of times that this is what is supportive for me) he often gets angry and starts swearing at me or saying I’m using him as a punch bag (I get frustrated that he STILL can’t just sit with me and not get overly emotional when I need him to be calm).

we have been together 5 years but it’s been quite hard and my hope is fading. He’s a wonderful, funny, loving, kind man but I’m not sure he’s going to be able to give me what I need. Is what I need even possible? Does it exist? Will I harm my little boy by having a broken relationship (like the one I came from). I feel trapped and confused, lonely and unfulfilled.

thanks for reading, I’d be so grateful if you could bring kindness in your responses. I’m in a vulnerable place.

my dream is that I meet someone who is calm and emotionally stable for me and my son and that I can offer him that. But those men seem few and far between, or they’ve been snapped up by women far more savvy than I have been.

Please stop thinking you need to be with a man to make your life fulfilling.

That's how so many women get trapped in unhappy relationships.

Focus on yourself and your DC - only you are responsible for your own happiness. It's not other people's job to make you happy.

Exactly.
All these new diagnoses for abusive bastards to hide behind.. Whatever his ‘condition’ he’s also a nasty piece of work who brings nothing to your life OP. This will not get any better.

I hear you OP I have the same at home: lots of swearing, outbursts poor self regulation due to autism. BUT he's 15 years old and my son so I'm trying to help him in all ways I can. You are describing an adult, your dh, that you are basically mothering. This has to stop OP, he doesn't get a free card to behave anti-socially because of ADHD! Do you really think all people with ADHD behave like him? They don't because they can't get away with it...unless they find someone who wants to play the role of a mother/saviour that will put up with their shit. All the while you are putting your children in danger with his abusive behaviour. They will accuse you when older and needing therapy : "why did you stay with him mum ? Why did you let us live in a volatile environment? Why didn't you protect us?"

You are a mother and responsible for your children's well-being. That's number one. If that means separating from an abusive, immature dad then so be it.

To be totally honest, you both sound like you’re hard work. You both have baggage for different reasons and neither of you can give each other what they need. Add into the mix his aggressive behaviours and it’s a recipe for disaster. For your DSs sake, your relationship has to end.

^

Also, ADHD isn't an excuse for his abuse of you, that's called choice.

Coming from someone with ADHD and ASC

He's abusive. He is actively blocking your desire for peace and stability. Leave and create a calm, loving home for your child and yourself. You will find it much easier to parent without him in your home.

my dream is that I meet someone who is calm and emotionally stable for me and my son and that I can offer him that. But those men seem few and far between, or they’ve been snapped up by women far more savvy than I have been.

Respectfully op, dream a new dream.
One where your child lives in a stable, safe, peaceful home, which you created and depends on no one

This is abuse. I most definitely have adhd and I don’t abuse my partner. I don’t name call. I live in a house where everyone is either adhd, asd or both and there is no abuse here.

So then does Oppositional Defiance Disorder explain the abusive behaviors? Swearing, name-calling, blaming, throwing things and gaslighting? I’m genuinely curious and confused by this. My STBX was similar. After 5 years of this, my mental health deteriorated to such an extent I had to leave, even though there had been some good times. I was also terrified my children would grow up thinking this behavior was normal or acceptable.

You’re repeating the mistakes of your parents and allowing your son to be abused. Once every 2 weeks or 2 months doesn’t matter as the only acceptable level of abuse is none.

There is some research which says some abusive men can change if they work very hard at it but crucially it doesn’t matter how hard they try if they’ve already been abuse to a partner then they will again. So no matter how hard this man tries, how much work he puts into to if you stay with him he will continue to abuse you and your son.

Your son can have a calm and emotionally stable household without a man in it. Some times just having one adult makes it easier. My DH isn’t abusive but when he works away parenting can be easier and calmer because their is only my parenting opnions and decisions and I don’t have to communicate it come up with a plan with another adult.

I don't believe the swearing an abuse and gaslighting is a result of the ADHD

Yep.

I have not sought an ADHD diagnosis but I fit the description of a type of ADHD like hand & glove.
There are also other family members who have it.

I do not swear at people, verbally abuse people, or gas light ..... And feel no compunction to do so.

ADHD, like everything, is not mutually exclusive with being abusive.

As other posters have pointed out; if this behaviour is due to ADHD, I'd he also doing it to work colleagues, bosses, bouncers, servers etc.?????

The child is here now, why does it matter? How is it relevant?

But you just had to "be that poster".

He literally has a condition with his brain that makes him the way he is. I doubt he will change, you sound really unhappy.

As other posters have pointed out; if this behaviour is due to ADHD, I'd he also doing it to work colleagues, bosses, bouncers, servers etc.?????
Yes, presumably he also managed to keep it under control when you first got together. Why can’t he now? I grew up in a household like that and I really wanted my mum to leave but she never did. It ruined my relationship with my family so I don’t think you can say you are protecting your child by staying.

Its why I asked the question about his behaviour to other people. If he can control the abuse around people who could give him a consequence for his behaviour, then, while he may well be ND, he can control the abuse around his partner and child.

Leave, it doesn't get better if they aren't willing to put in the work. I was willing to do all the admin, parenting etc. but the abuse gets too much. It wears you down to nothing.

My husband is in the assessment process for ADHD.

There are coffee grains all over the kitchen counter. He's messy. I know he will clean it up. Or I could, while he's sorting out a load of laundry.

He doesn't shout at me. He doesn't gaslight me.

He parents our child with as much serenity as he can muster. Not always easy, child is also undergoing assessment for ADHD.

The problems he brings to your relationship are being blamed on his diagnosis, but it seems to me like he's making no effort at all to do better and your life is worse because of him.

How about rephrasing it: why did you expect him to change? Why did you think you’d suddenly be ok about this side of him after a child?

my dream is that I meet someone who is calm and emotionally stable for me and my son and that I can offer him that.

This is such an unhealthy way to think.

You've been abused a few times now in your life. Your dream should be to not feel you need to be in a relationship, to be able to be you and be the best parent possible without feeling the need to have some man in your life.

I don't mean to be picky with what you wrote but did you mean that people with adhd would act like that if they can find someone to put up with it, otherwise they wouldn't get away with it?

I hope I read that wrongly...

Because behaviour of personality and behaviour of ADHD are very very different.

Knowing one isn't knowing all.

Please correct me if I am wrong.

Exactly. He’s not loving and a great father. Why do so many posters say the same about abusive partners?

As someone who actually has ADHD I find it incredibly offensive whenever threads like this pop up using it as an excuse for abusive behaviour. ADHD does not make you abuse your family. The clumsiness and forgetfulness absolutely, but the abuse? That's because he's a cunt love, not because of ADHD. He's not kind, he's not responsible, he's not an amazing dad because he's teaching your child that abusing you is ok. He's a shit dad and partner.

No, ofcourse not. I was saying that ADHD can explain difficulties in life but not being abusive towards someone.

OP I feel so sad for you that you and your son are having to go through this. But why are you putting up with it.
"I have worked very very hard to keep his outbursts away from tiny precious ears. Shutting doors. Leaving rooms etc. only having difficult discussions that could trigger arguments at night when he is asleep. but it’s true that some days I’ve been in tears and had to explain to my son"

It doesn't matter if he has ADHD or any other issues. He is absolutely horrible to you and as pp said - when will he start being horrible to your son?

You shouldn't have to work that hard to pacify this horrible man. He's loving and kind etc when you obey him completely. There is zero virtue in continuing to prop up this horrible man. This situation is not better for your son than being brought up by a single parent.

My heart sank when I read you saying that it only happens once every two weeks to two months. It shouldn't be an ongoing thing that you put up with, manage or tolerate.
Imagine a life free of having to predict when the next outburst will be and how bad it will be and how to make sure the little one isn't aware of it. The very anticipation of it is an unforgivable cruelty which neither you nor your son deserve!.

Please speak in person to one of the charities which help people in your position. Ring the Samaritans and ask for info. Life has many ups and downs and stresses as we go along, its unavoidable. The thought of how he will deal with periods when life might be more stressful is frightening.

I have ADHD, and I'm completely unmedicated because those meds would interfere with meds I take for a physical health problem. Like your husband, I'm messy and forgetful and very sensitive to criticism. Unlike your husband, I haven't raised my voice at anyone since I was a child and I've never thrown anything at anyone in a fit of rage. I work with small children, if I ever thought that I'd lose control of my temper around them I wouldn't do the work I do. Similarly, my father is most likely ADHD too, and while he's also messy and forgetful and does strange out of pocket things all the time, I don't recall ever hearing him raise his voice at me or my brothers, or throw things.

I have to ask, does he direct any of this behaviour at anyone else? Has he shouted and argued with his friends or his employers the way he does at you? What about strangers that piss him off on the street? Has he ever lost control in a way that would have brought serious legal or social repercussions? If he truly has no control over his anger then he'd be letting it loose on anyone and everyone. If it's only ever directed at you then he has a lot more control than you think he does.

I also think that perhaps because of your own history of abuse, you probably give off signals of vulnerability that you're not aware of in your body language or your manner, and there are people that are very good at spotting those signals and targeting them so they have someone to soak up all the bad behaviour they want to inflict. Counselling isn't recommended for those cases because the abuser can weaponise therapy speak to their advantage.