ADHD boyfriend can't adult or stop being abusive - we have a 20 month old son

[Mumsa345]

My boyfriend is a kind man, he is extremely committed to me and our little boy. He is loyal and works hard, does his share of everything and has an over developed sense of responsibility in all areas of his life.

when I was 8 months pregnant he was diagnosed with adhd. It causes constant problems in our relationship. Forgetting things (I just got pulled over the police for bit having a valid MOT- this was literally the ONE thing he’d said he would take on the alleviate the pressure of all the household/life admin on my shoulders), this is just one example of hundreds like this, he loses things constantly, locks himself out, breaks things, leaves the oven on all night, doesn’t listen to instructions and get things wrong, comes back with only half the shopping in the list, promises he’s packed everything and I double check with him and then we realise we have no towels at the swimming pool, forgets to put enough parking in and we get a fine etc etc etc every day there is some kind of drama. Its exhausting.

im sick of feeling like im the only adult in the relationship and I don’t feel like I admire much in him these days. Organisation and the house being as together as it can be is really important for my sense of wellbeing. His adhd symptoms have got much worse since we have a kid and I just have less energy and patience to fix his mistakes and pick up the slack.

added to this he has severe issues with emotional regulation and knowing how to express himself in a healthy way. He frequently swears at me and in anger resorts to name calling, throwing things and gaslighting, often when I try to hold him accountable he tries to tell me I’m unhinged/a psychopath, or that I made the mistake myself. It’s utterly infuriating and really not ok.

we have been to couples therapy twice, he is currently in therapy (and things have improved somewhat- there is less abusive language and his anger blow ups don’t last as long - sometimes it would be 24 hours of hell) now he mostly comes round and apologises relatively quickly but it doesn’t seem like it’s something that will really change - despite his efforts.

he says he feels criticised by me , which I do understand as I get frustrated with him, and I do have higher standards than some people may. he is extremely defensive and I will often find a simple request is met with a “I was doing that!!” Response in an irritate tone. When I’m just trying to make sure everything gets done around the house and asking him to pick up a dirty spot he left on the floor or cut his nails (which get disgustingly long sometimes).

he is on elvanse and guanfecine but it doesn’t seem to have made much difference honestly. He’s tried various doses etc. I’m on antidepressants as I feel so stressed out by his day to day chaos and potential outbursts.

he is an amazing dad. Fun, caring, committed and I really need him to be here, my son is very rambunctious and is strong willed and going through tantrum 2s! He is 21 months and wonderful but also very full on. I don’t see how I could cope physically and practically without my boyfriend here.

I have a history of trauma and am easily hyperaroused/anxious. I desperately want calm in my life (and he does too) but it’s hard to see how that is possible.

the other aspect that I’m finding so hard to accept is that whenever I reach out fur emotional support (which is really hard for me to do because of my background) my boyfriend panics and gets even more emotional than me, often asking lots of questions and getting overwhelmed himself. He can’t sit with me and just hold space for me until I’m able to open up (despite me explaining hundreds of times that this is what is supportive for me) he often gets angry and starts swearing at me or saying I’m using him as a punch bag (I get frustrated that he STILL can’t just sit with me and not get overly emotional when I need him to be calm).

we have been together 5 years but it’s been quite hard and my hope is fading. He’s a wonderful, funny, loving, kind man but I’m not sure he’s going to be able to give me what I need. Is what I need even possible? Does it exist? Will I harm my little boy by having a broken relationship (like the one I came from). I feel trapped and confused, lonely and unfulfilled.

thanks for reading, I’d be so grateful if you could bring kindness in your responses. I’m in a vulnerable place.

he desperately wants to change and get this sorted and knows I will leave if he doesn’t

No he doesn’t. There is absolutely no motivation for him to change at all because he benefits from being abusive on every level. You know as well do that he doesn’t threaten and throw things at other men.

Having a woman to bully and control is every abusers wet dream. You need to realise he chooses to do this. You need to kick him out.

Five years is nothing. I was with my first boyfriend for five years. Don't let your past give you a shit future, make plans now for a life free from abuse.

i come from a background of abuse so I suppose my tolerance levels are high

I’m sorry OP but when you say you don’t want your child being in the same position as you were, your son is already in the same position. There might not be any abuse directed at him but he is living with it and experience it too. Your child doesn’t deserve to grow up in the household where dad is verbally abusive and mum is crying

This.

Shambles. Stop making excuses for this moron, OP. You’re letting your baby down by tolerating this and exposing them to it.

You say you are worried about coping on your own with you boisterous two year old - you will find it easier to cope when you're not also parenting an adult. I don't believe the swearing an abuse and gaslighting is a result of the ADHD but even if it were - your needs emotional/social are not being met - you're spent and exhausted doing everything. He is not making your life any better.

There are far worse things than being a single parent. Your child will still have two parents just not living in the same house where one is doing everything

Being ADHD isn't an excuse for being abusive. That is him. That is his personality.

You need to leave him. Protect yourself and your child.

Guess what, not being ADHD doesn't mean you're a feckless person. I'm unmedicated and I've held down a job for 20 years. I also don't abuse my partner of 18 years. I pay my bills on time and I adult because I have to.

This.

It will be a shit-ton easier parenting a boisterous toddler when you aren't trying to manage an abuser's abuse patterns too.

Imagine having to be on eggshells around your BF when your tot decides to run around the living room. Imagine having to be on eggshells around your BF when your tot decides to draw pictures on the wallpaper.

And then imagine the BF not there, not a looming threat ready to kick off when his child gets too loud, not ready to blame you for "failing to control" this small boy (that he could also parent but won't).

What your BF gets from this "relationship" is someone to lord it over (you) and someone to blame for his own failure to manage his ADHD (also you).

What do you get out of it, other than producers from the police and an illusion of having a co-parent?

Your own background of abuse made it far more likely that you were to be in a relationship with an abusive adult, It’s familiar to you. Look at what your parents taught you about relationships, they let you down abjectly and now you’re repeating a similar abusive childhood with your child.

Noone ever bothered with you as a child to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like, this is not it and you are with Mr Wrong. Women in poor relationships also write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

You never learnt that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You have a choice re this man, your child does not. Make better choices for you and your child. Your child does not warrant having an abusive parent in their day to day
life and nor do you.

He targeted you deliberately also to abuse you.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse , are being further eroded by this man now.

And cease couples therapy. Abuse is not a relationship issue and it’s never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over both your child and you .

My whole family has adhd. Whilst the adult son does struggle with being asked to do things, no one is abusive

Even if he is a wonderful person, he's not a good partner and you two are not compatible. It definitely isn't a safe or healthy environment for your son to grow up in.

He is not a good man. There is no justification at all for this behaviour. There might be an explanation, sure, but that's not going to result in happiness for you or your child. I think you know you should leave.

This is such a tricky one. There's a real venn diagram of ND and arsehole and picking it apart isn't easy. But you do need to decide what you want. What boundaries do you want to have as non-negotiable?

tries to tell me I’m unhinged/a psychopath, or that I made the mistake myself. It’s utterly infuriating and really not ok

The rest of it sounds exhausting, but this sentence stood out. It's is almost textbook behaviour from abusive men to call their partner a psychopath or unhinged. In the 19th century, such men committed their poor wives to asylums. He can't do that, but he can make you doubt your own sanity and get you to stay in a unhealthy situation for you for years.

You leave now
You don't wait for him to change
He is not nice or great

He then changes (or not)

You said you come from a background of abuse so abuse is normal to you. Dont choose to make it normal for your child.

there are many positive interactions between us despite the resentment I hold towards my partner. I definitely wouldn’t have stayed had this not been the case.
That is literally how abusers behave.

He's not amazing. He abuses you. How long before he abuses your son?

Maybe reading reading my reply out loud to yourself will help you identify the parts of my reply where I did address the abuse and where I did not tell her to stay or go.

It's so ironic and hilarious that you jumped to a judgment about my religion because of me calling someone "mama."

In my part of the world, Christians most definitely do not talk like that. No one has ever mistaken me for a member of that faith before.

Also, my husband was never abusive but also interesting that you made that assumption. I said I can relate to "some" of what she shared. Again, try reading out loud - super helpful.

Cheers, Mama ❤️

Maybe reading reading my reply out loud to yourself will help you identify the parts of my reply where I did address the abuse and where I did not tell her to stay or go.

It's so ironic and hilarious that you jumped to a judgment about my religion because of me calling someone "mama."

In my part of the world, Christians most definitely do not talk like that. No one has ever mistaken me for a member of that faith before. I do view motherhood as a sacred path and think that Mary is a goddess archetype though.

Also, my husband was never abusive but also interesting that you made that assumption. I said I can relate to "some" of what she shared. Again, try reading out loud - super helpful.

Cheers, Mama ❤️

My adult son has an ADHD diagnosis and whilst we have the losing things, unable to concentrate, and forgetting. He is honestly the kindest, most laid back person I've ever met.
Please don't blame the abuse on his ADHD. My son gets frustrated with himself but he never takes it out on others. Your partner has ADHD and is an abuser.

Have you looked up oppositional defiance disorder? It is a separate thing from adhd and would explain the emotional pushback when you ask or challenge.

I believe you when you say he's kind and caring. I bet he's as expressive of his love and happiness as much as he is the negative feelings. I bet he's does spontaneous loving funny things, brings a creative fun energy, adores his child. But he can't do that consistently. He'll have dreadful days of overwhelm and then the guilt and shame will trigger rejection sensitivities which is why he blames you so much. It must be a nightmare to live with. And if you separate your life will lose that exhuberant and passionate companion. It will be better regulated, easier, calmer and safer. A better environment for a child and for you.

But I would certainly look into adhd coaching and change of medication first. As adhd is also genetic it may be your child is ND too, so research may well help you and the child regardless if the dads presence day to day

He needs adhd coaching.

He's not a great dad if he shouts at you and calls you names and puts you through 24 hours of hell.

I don't think this will improve. He'll always have his get out of jail free card. He'll always expect you to tiptoe around his ADHD and he'll also expect you to put up with the abuse. So far he's been right in his analysis that you'll put up with a great deal.

The best thing you can do is take concrete steps to protect yourself and your child from the abuse.

You're not compatible.