Dad hanging round outside bathroom *MNHQ Content warning for abuse*

[Househunter2025]

I was reading a thread that just got deleted and it's really made me think.

When I was a teenager my dad used to hang around outside the bathroom and my bedroom - I always found it really creepy but nothing else ever happened so I didn't really think it was abusive behaviour - but I always found it really creepy and couldn't stand being near him or alone with him. Never mentioned it to anyone before.

In my 40s now and it still bothers me. I'm hyper aware of my kids dad or other males on the family doing anything to them and it feels beyond all proportion. I don't think other parents have this fear.

A couple of posters on the other thread said they had experienced similar and I was about to reply but then it was deleted.

Don't know what I want from this thread really. I wouldn't mention anything to family - parents are elderly. I don't have sisters. Just want to come to terms with it and put it in perspective I guess.

no, I think it's getting worse tbh

I hear of school nurses increasingly seeing girls presenting with damage from violent sexual acts

see the Gisele Pelicot case, and know she is just one woman from that website her husband used

the Telegram chat with 70,000 men sharing tips on how to rape and abuse

rates of rape are apparently increasing in the UK and across Europe

prosecutions and convictions for rape and sexual assault are still woefully low, girls and women are still regularly disbelieved, in fact it's so bad that I've heard of several victims of rape gangs in the UK who have themselves been charged with crimes such as soliciting, rather than the police doing their damn jobs and prosecuting the rapists

too many men view women as service animals, not as really fully human in the way they see other men as human

I think sexually abusive behaviour by men is often fueled by their regular consumption of violent online porn

I think something is going to give, it feels like we're coming to some kind of peaking

Do you think - as a society, we are stopping this kind of behaviour? Is it less likely to happen in 2025 than 20/30 years ago?

I wish I could say yes, but there's the ubiquitous use of porn. Many manage to access it at far too young an age and it permanently damages them. I'm guessing it plays a part in quite a lot of abuse of younger siblings.

totally agree

one thing we can do as mothers is to not let our children have unrestricted 24/7 access to devices that connect to the internet

I have a good friend who had a computer for each child what was in the communal family living space with screens facing the middle of the room so anyone could see what was being viewed / done

the kids grew up believing this was normal, and did the normal kid stuff like playing minecraft, doing research for school

no phones in bedrooms, ever, phones to stay on the kitchen counter when children in their rooms

treating the internet like a place where they go, understanding that place is filled with strangers many of whom mean harm

you wouldn't let your young child or teen physically into a large room with strangers to be alone there without any guidance, so why do that with the internet?

this method stopped both kids accessing porn at home on a regular basis, and it's the regularity of its use that is particularly dangerous for addiction

discussing what it is and why it's unhealthy, the ubiquitous nature of abuse and trafficking in porn, this also can help kids (at age appropriate stages) know why they need to avoid it

Hi I'm the OP from original thread. It has gone down here. It's been unbelievably rough and no sleep has been had. We are safe though. I've been reading this thread and it's kept me going to hear your stories. My life will never be the same but it's my kids I feel the worst for. Just an absolute shit show. He is saying I'm blowing everything out of proportion. Your posts are keeping me focused on what I need to do.

OP has since clarified that she did not smoke/drink in the bathroom or her bedroom. I'm sure if she had been, she would have included it in her OP as a reason why her father might have been hanging around outside her bedroom and the bathroom.

You immediately tried to minimise OP's recollections of her father's behaviour and accuse her of being too quick to jump on abuse.

It's posts like yours that make women and girls mistrust their instincts when in proximity with an abusive man. OP has said that at the time, that although she didn't think it was abusive behaviour, she found it really creepy and couldn't bear to be near her father or alone with him. Women don't get that awful anxious panicky feeling for no reason.

@highstoolfling thinking of you and your children. It's so hard but you're doing the right thing. Your DD knowing that you put her first is priceless.

@highstoolfling I never saw your thread but I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

What if, instead of putting our future happiness in a romantic relationship, we looked for that happiness in relationships with other women? What if we searched for good women friends, even put our $ together to buy homes together and support each other? Raising our children in female dominated homes? That could be the beginning of a new matriarchy.

I've been saying for years this is the answer for single parents instead of rushing off to find other relationships. Split the bills, split the childcare and other household admin, could even set up all female cooperatives 🤔 Could even have civil partnerships purely for the financial benefits/stability without the need for the sexual/romantic side of things.

If I'd have had someone to do this when my son was younger I'd have jumped at the chance, it'd have made our lives so much easier. Alas my closest friend of 30+ years was, at the time, with her long term partner of 16 years. Hes now out of the picture having cheated on her, we often complain about how he stole years from her that we could have used raising our children together and buying a place of our own.

I've been thinking about you. I can't imagine how difficult this is. But I'm glad you're all safe. Thank you for posting

Interesting. Yes a societal shift in thinking. No longer is the fairytale princess, marriage type lifestyle working.

We aim to buy properties where we can live communally with other women. We each own our individual property.

We share childcare, resources, the children play together.

We don’t rely on men.
Like Center Parcs?

Actually, I think we need to
live in underground shelters, because the men will be bombing the world…

@highstoolfling You absolutely aren't blowing it out of proportion and I'm sure your daughter is grateful for you prioritising her safety. Good luck going forward.

I feel so saddened reading this thread.
Also a bit confused. There was always an open door policy for the bathroom door in our house growing up (myself and 2 younger brothers). We didn't have a lock on the door as it was dangerous in case we locked ourselves in. Mum and dad would both come in while we were in the bath to ask something, or wash hands in bath water (went on into our 20s. We'd also have to take things in to them when they were in the bath. My youngest brother was the only one to stand up to this when he was a teenager, mum always laughed that he'd go mad if you went into him when he was in the bath.
The thing is, I truly believe this was not at all sinister. They would say, after my brother kicked off, that it was normal for families to see each other naked. My partner finds this very odd. Now I feel I don't know what is 'normal'?

I think this is the most horrific thread I’ve ever seen on Mumsnet. So many of you have suffered abuse and I admire your bravery at sharing your experiences. I hope this gives some the strength to report these bastards and to bring them to account. So sorry for each and everyone of you that faced such ordeals.

It is grim. Very little is done about crimes against women and children in the home. The police are unlikely to take action because of a lack of evidence. That is if you had the courage.

You also have to get over this huge barrier which is that both parents are failing you. The mother who pretends not to see or tells you to be quiet or apologise is complicit. It would be great to say women and their children can be safe, but the really nasty truth is that houses like these don't just have one abuser but a whole set up for it to happen, with a chosen victim.

The bit where you get to tell, your mother is horrified and then police rescue you is mostly a fairy story,

These stories are so upsetting and disgusting. I’m so sorry and realise how lucky I’ve been to have my wonderful dad x

I don't think men (and children (older brothers) and some women) will ever change. I think what will make the difference is bringing things out into the open, (I don't mean the grisly details but the fact that this happens, is common, is not something for the child to be ashamed of), and giving children and women more of a voice. I think this is already happening, children now learn at school about the pants rule. There is safeguarding in place rather than hiding things. Powerful people such as Justin Welby are being brought to account.

If people can speak out, get help and escape, the harm is much less.

What's clear from this thread is that even for people who suffered things that might be seen as less serious and not criminal, the effects are really long lasting.

I don't think it's normal, no.
After puberty I don't think parents should be around their naked opposite sex children.

Even if you don't have a lock on a bathroom door there's no need to go in when someone is in there. (I would always have a lock though).

Doesn't mean it was necessarily abusive but definitely unusual. Were they hippy or naturists?

Getting in the bathroom, making comments about your body, development, watching you undress are all boundary pushing behaviours used by sexual abusers. Their aim is to make your boundaries absolutely nil. It creates a terrible sense of fear in a victim even if there not physical abuse. It stays with you as trauma. It's not just them doing things like watching, it's mental abuse which can soften you up for much worse.

I post under another name on the alcohol support thread. You will find a lot of alcohol dependancy is caused by childhood trauma. If I was fat and drunk my brother left me alone. Ditto my sisters boyfriend's friends. I started drinking at 13.

I'm not sure why your parents would come into the bathroom to wash their hands in your bath water. Surely there is a sink in the kitchen where they could do this?

I don't think that parents coming into the bathroom while their adult children are in the bath is normal. I think your youngest brother had the right instincts to object to this. If/when you have children, would you/do you do this with them?

I think that privacy and bodily autonomy are really important for children and young adults. Parents who don't respect this are wrong.

I've been reading this thread the whole time. Finally brave enough to make a new account to comment, because I'm so so so glad to have read all your comments, and to feel not so alone. Finally. For literally the first time in my life.
I don't know of anyone else who was abused as a kid. I feel.... i dunno, like an outcast, an oddity, a pity case... even though it's a secret, I feel like people would think thisabout me if they knew.

THANK YOU to the posters that have talked about the shame that has held you back in reporting. That is why I haven't. I didn't when I was a kid because I literally did not know it was reportable.... which is my first source of shame! How could I not know?? But it just wasn't talked about in those days. I WISH like nothing else that I knew that i could have walked in to a police station as a kid and told someone. But i didn't know.
Then, I was an adult, life got in the way and I didn't even think about reporting, even though the abuse was always in my mind. Then, worst of the worst and what holds me back from ever reporting, is the fact I had my children around this person (my brother). As little as possible, but still. I made sure they kept their distance, no hugs, minimal conversation even, I watched him like a hawk, they were never ever unsupervised.... but I feel like if I ever reported and brought this out in the open, people would judge me as a mum for allowing this.
Another reason for my shame sounds weird (I think?)... but as far as my trauma and mental health, I'm pretty ok. I don't have PTSD or anything. I'm not too messed up from it, whereas a lot of people are, so then I worry.... why? Is there something wrong with me? Am i supposed to be messed up? I think because mine was constant and daily for my entire childhood, I dunno, it was just like part of my everyday life, it wasn't a sudden 'event'. So that makes me ashamed too.

The first person I told as a young adult was my now ex husband. He didn't believe me, because "but he seems so nice". So there my secret stayed for another 15 years. It was incredibly disheartening, disappointing, deflating.

I have now told 2 of my best friends. One is no longer with us, so now only 1 friend knows. We've been friends since childhood. She didn't seem terribly surprised.

Then the big one, I finally confronted my mother a few years ago, admittedly because I wanted something from her and she kept refusing in favour of my brother, so I blurted it all out to make her feel guilty because it's SO UNFAIR that he continues to live life with no repercussions. That discussion did and continues to break me.... she was horrified and said she had no idea, which is a big fat LIE. Which i told her so. When I told her about stuff she was PRESENT FOR, she admitted she saw that but thought it was accidental. But for fucks sake, if I saw anything like that MAJOR red flags would be flying!! So that was disappointing.... and then.... it's never been mentioned again. Ever. So more disappointment, significantly so. Then she still tried to invite him to family events!! WTF!! So I had to be clear to her (several times before she got it) that i am serious about going no contact with him. She still sees him too. More disappointment. But i feel so much better having cut him off.

Gosh turns out I have a lot to say once I get started. Probably because I've never talked about it much.

I'm going to break up my rants in to a few posts I think!

So... my story- my brother... I'll try not to go into too much detail in case it's upsetting, but basically OP, your 'bathroom' post (along with the first few replies) we're such a massive part of my daily life. It really hit me hard when reading it.
Holes drilled in the walls, hanging around the door as he would stick a mirror under the door to see me, and hiding behind the shower curtain... omg, I swear he would spend half his life behind that shower curtain, just waiting to be 'accidentally' shut in the bathroom with me. I think i was in my mid 20s before I stopped checking behind shower curtains and bathroom doors, even though I had moved out, it was just such an ingrained habit.

The constant accidental touching when walking past each other, which was always, in a tiny old house.

The constant exposing of himself, usually erect. Always lurking in corners silently, waiting for his "oops!" moment.
We shared a bedroom, so every single night he would silently gesture to get my attention so I could look at him masturbating. My other brother also shared the room, but he still got away with this every single day.
The physical contact in my sleep, or 'sleep', I won't go into detail, but there's a reason it took me in to my 30's to be able to sleep without a thick quilt all over me (even in summer), as a shield to hide the shape of my body, and to make some parts unreachable. I was so scared, and such a quiet little girl, that I never said anything, I would just pretend to be asleep but I would 'stir', as that would scare him off for a few minutes.

The whispering. God the whispering. It was incessant, and would really scare me. About all the things 'we' could do. And always "it's ok, we won't tell anyone", and "it's ok, we can use condoms". Like did he seriously expect me to turn around and say "yeah sounds great, let's go"??

Porn being left around constantly.
Piggy back rides, him teaching me to ride my bike, playing around on a furniture trolley... yeah, you can imagine, or don't, coz it's fucking disgusting.
I remember being with my girl cousin who was only a year or two younger than me, it was when i was really young (and tiny!), but she wanted someone to give her a piggy back ride. I was so protective of every little girl near him, so I said I'd give her piggy back rides. Being little, she wanted them over and over again. My legs were exhausted, but I couldn't let HIM take over, so I continued, until my legs literally collapsed and we both went head first into a brick wall. But that's how overprotective I was, even as a tiny kid.

I can't actually ever remember this not being a part of my life, so I don't actually know how old I was when it started. And it continued until I was an older teenager, almost adulthood actually.

I can't believe how many people have posted here of similar experiences. Fucking disgusting. I'm so sorry to read of all you've gone through.

There isn’t necessarily anything sinister in this - some families are very open and comfortable around nudity. It wouldn’t be the norm for most families though.

As for what we can do... i dunno... i tried recently... I'm not in the UK, and the government recently had a TV ad campaign about encouraging parents to talk to their kids about this kind of stuff, boundaries etc, and to tell your kids that no one should ever do anything or show you anything that makes you uncomfortable etc.
Anyway, I emailed some feedback, saying it was a great start, but actually can they please make some material aimed at kids themselves, because sometimes it's actually the parents that are the problem, and that kids themselves need to know how to contact people for help. I even suggested for eg posters in shopping centre bathrooms with contact numbers, police etc. Easy implemented stuff like that.

They emailed back saying thanks but no thanks, that their campaign was aimed at parents, not kids (yeah I know, that was my point!!), and that they hope i am ok, and that i can sign up for emails to watch out for future community consultation events. Great idea, I thought, but none of their plans since then are relevant to what I want to suggest. So, on go the lives of kids who are unaware of how to get help. I don't think we will ever change men. But I would love to see kids empowered and educated enough to know what to do to put a stop to this.