Page 4 | Ex husband on tinder after a week

JofoXX · 2025-02-04T11:37:32+00:00

So, separated in August, after 5 years, we have 1 year old twins. Apart for 3 months, he had a casual thing with another woman, drinking binges etc, I was heartbroken. We decided for some stupid reason to "try again" in November, he stayed out all night just 2 weeks ago, that was when it finally clicked in my head ENOUGH is ENOUGH Got a message from a friend last night saying she saw him on Tinder. I know I don't want to be with him anymore but this still stings! Desperation or didn't care at all about our marriage?

crackofdoom · 05/02/2025 08:53

Blue278 · 05/02/2025 06:12

Standard behaviour.
What fascinates me is how they find a woman so quickly. Mine did. I want to ask her if she’s OK? 😆

I know, right. Veteran of several years of OLD here, and I would avoid any man in this situation like the plague. Yes, even if his ex was "terrible", even if they "grew apart in reality years ago", or whatever else they come out with.

lovelysunshine22 · 05/02/2025 08:54

Op some people are pathetic and needy, they simply can't be alone! My ex was like this...chances are he was on the sites before the end of the relationship anyway. Its hurtful to you but you need to just let him get on with it. Its not a reflection of your relationship its a reflection of him as a person.

TwistedWonder · 05/02/2025 08:54

Blue278 · 05/02/2025 06:12

Standard behaviour.
What fascinates me is how they find a woman so quickly. Mine did. I want to ask her if she’s OK? 😆

Guy I know separated from his wife in 2017 and is on his 9th relationship since then. He literally jumps from one to the next in a matter of weeks - funnily enough they’ve all got their own homes and he moves in (and out again) very quickly!

TwistedWonder · 05/02/2025 08:56

crackofdoom · 05/02/2025 08:53

I know, right. Veteran of several years of OLD here, and I would avoid any man in this situation like the plague. Yes, even if his ex was "terrible", even if they "grew apart in reality years ago", or whatever else they come out with.

Show quote history

Ditto. I’m no longer on OLD but when I was I avoided recently separated men. Funny how they all have ‘crazy’ exes and the split was never their fault

SpringBunnyHopHop · 05/02/2025 08:59

I think he mentally checked out a long time ago, long before he left the first time if his behaviour is anything to go off.

Chaseandstatus · 05/02/2025 08:59

OP your ex is an utter shit, you are better of without him. It’s tough, but you are strong and you are doing great. You are going to fly!

SnugCoralFinch · 05/02/2025 09:01

I also don’t understand how they instantly end up jumping into something new immediately. I’m single but not on dating apps because 🤮 but I would actively avoid anyone in that situation- there were a lot of them tbh.

I think for them it’s a case of anyone will do because they don’t want to reflect on their marriage breakdown, and because they can’t be single.

Greenbottle123 · 05/02/2025 09:02

I would be upset and pissed off about this too OP. But try to use it as confirmation that he’s really not worth your time, effort or energy. He’s all over the place and you can do better

Hardlyworking · 05/02/2025 09:04

Well, you rejected him and ended the relationship. I expect he's reeling from that and his self esteem is in tatters. Men often seek validation from women, and that looks like exactly what he's doing.

But tinder 🤮 Hope his self esteem can handle silent matches, ghosting, and a lot of filter heavy catfishing 😂

category12 · 05/02/2025 09:08

Hardlyworking · 05/02/2025 09:04

Well, you rejected him and ended the relationship. I expect he's reeling from that and his self esteem is in tatters. Men often seek validation from women, and that looks like exactly what he's doing.

But tinder 🤮 Hope his self esteem can handle silent matches, ghosting, and a lot of filter heavy catfishing 😂

What? He cheated on her and he's the one rejected and reeling?! 😂

Soontobe60 · 05/02/2025 09:10

JofoXX · 04/02/2025 11:50

Well I think if you can move on that quickly (a week) after a 5 year marriage and a family then that is very strange behaviour.

Edited

But it’s not as if he was blissfully happy in the relationship is it?

Original poster

JofoXX · 05/02/2025 09:49

Thank you all for your comments, most useful, some so far off the situation.

He came last night to see his boys for an hour and found a way to project all blame, his actions and behaviours on to me😅 Honestly, I pity the next woman that falls for his lovebombing at the beginning.

That was the final nail in the coffin for me, time to look ahead! Thank you all so much

OP posts:

SnugCoralFinch · 05/02/2025 10:03

Hardlyworking · 05/02/2025 09:04

Well, you rejected him and ended the relationship. I expect he's reeling from that and his self esteem is in tatters. Men often seek validation from women, and that looks like exactly what he's doing.

But tinder 🤮 Hope his self esteem can handle silent matches, ghosting, and a lot of filter heavy catfishing 😂

Must be really sad to think you’ve pulled a model and it turns out to be a filter 💐

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 05/02/2025 10:08

Prepare for him to find another woman and never see his children again. Shore yourself up by finding a good mum network and knowing where to seek help with childcare. I can almost hear the 'whoosh' noise he's going to make right now.

And tell your friends that, if they see him on dating sites, you don't want to know. You want to hear NOTHING about him from anyone. When my XH left me, my friends were queuing up to tell me all about his social media posts, where he'd been and what he was doing and I had to come down really hard on them for telling me, because it hurt.

supercali77 · 05/02/2025 10:16

Not sure why so many are stating the obvious 'it's his life he's done nothing wrong'. Well of course, he's a single man now and can do as he pleases. That doesn't mean the other person won't feel stung by such a rapid turnaround....several years and kids together and it's as easy as that to swipe left. Bit of a kicker. Do people really not understand why that would hurt?

strawberryShorty · 05/02/2025 10:34

My ex was living with a new woman 5 weeks after we split and we had a newborn, as if people on here wouldnt be upset about it 🙄 you are entitled to feel how you do op it's normal

OnTheJourneyOnwards · 05/02/2025 10:34

He's probably hurting, but in a different way to you, OP.

Some people take time alone to heal and some people use Tinder to get outside validation to help them feel less shit about themselves.

Being 'on the rebound' is a real thing.

He's not emotionally detached from you, he's likely hurting and trying to use Tinder to find comfort in some way. It's not a great strategy, and not a very self aware or mature way of handling it, but getting hit on by other women can give a little confidence boost. Which is probably what he needs right now.

As others have said, this marriage has been painful for a long time now, and breaking it off must have been hard for him as well as for you.

Sorry you've been though all this.

Chuchoter · 05/02/2025 10:37

Why is your friend sticking the knife in by telling you he's on Tinder?

She knows you've split up so she should keep her beak out of it unless she enjoys seeing you get upset.

That's no friend, no friend at all.

winfongdown · 05/02/2025 11:00

Chuchoter · 05/02/2025 10:37

Why is your friend sticking the knife in by telling you he's on Tinder?

She knows you've split up so she should keep her beak out of it unless she enjoys seeing you get upset.

That's no friend, no friend at all.

Perhaps she is a friend who has listened endlessly to OP about this man taking him back etc and is saying " look this is what he is like, please don't go back again" ?

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 05/02/2025 11:02

GentlemanJay · 04/02/2025 12:22

You don't want to be with him, but you don't want him to move on. He's your ex. He's single. He can do what he wants. Men are different to women. They don't take a year out two "working on themselves" before they make the next step.

Do you want him to remain single. Will it validate your thoughts on him being a twat?

Explains why most of them are such a mess and why they keep repeating the same destructive patterns in each new relationship!

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 05/02/2025 11:04

OnTheJourneyOnwards · 05/02/2025 10:34

He's probably hurting, but in a different way to you, OP.

Some people take time alone to heal and some people use Tinder to get outside validation to help them feel less shit about themselves.

Being 'on the rebound' is a real thing.

He's not emotionally detached from you, he's likely hurting and trying to use Tinder to find comfort in some way. It's not a great strategy, and not a very self aware or mature way of handling it, but getting hit on by other women can give a little confidence boost. Which is probably what he needs right now.

As others have said, this marriage has been painful for a long time now, and breaking it off must have been hard for him as well as for you.

Sorry you've been though all this.

This is a really thoughtful take on it.

Makeacircle · 05/02/2025 11:09

I think the casual fling during a break, drinking binges and staying out all night are the indicator that he wasn't invested in the marriage, rather than him joining tinder now

Christl78 · 05/02/2025 11:21

Blue278 · 05/02/2025 06:12

Standard behaviour.
What fascinates me is how they find a woman so quickly. Mine did. I want to ask her if she’s OK? 😆

It’s usually what happens with a narcissist. They need immediate narcissistic supply.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 05/02/2025 11:27

I suspect he has not just been on Tinder for just 1 week. I suspect he has been on it the whole time from your previous split and his fling.

WomenInConstruction · 05/02/2025 11:29

So many men really can't handle uncomfortable emotions. They do this as a way to sooth their ego and discomfort.

The best thing you can do is teach your sons to be able to recognise and handle all emotions including the difficult uncomfortable ones.

Start now, giving them the language to be able to talk about and recognise what they are feeling and they will be far less likely to use this knee jerk reaction way to run from it all.

Teach them how to be with their emotions good or bad, give them helpful responses and tools to handle it (constructive coping mechanisms).

With both my children we would talk about resentment, frustration, jealousy, boredom, happiness, contentment, delight, fear, hope... The list goes on and on, but the more emotionally literature they are the better able they are to be a decent person who can handle this stuff.

The trouble with a lot of men is that they don't have this upbringing, and they only think of a narrow range of emotions if they think about it at all.