Ex husband on tinder after a week

[JofoXX]

So, separated in August, after 5 years, we have 1 year old twins. Apart for 3 months, he had a casual thing with another woman, drinking binges etc, I was heartbroken.

We decided for some stupid reason to "try again" in November, he stayed out all night just 2 weeks ago, that was when it finally clicked in my head ENOUGH is ENOUGH

Got a message from a friend last night saying she saw him on Tinder. I know I don't want to be with him anymore but this still stings!

Desperation or didn't care at all about our marriage?

Some people just can't deal with their own feelings and so they just 'move on' as a distraction technique.
He might have met the woman of his dreams but more likely he'll just repeat the same unhealthy patterns until he meets someone with very low standards who will put up with his awful behaviour.
Try to focus on your children and yourself you won't always feel like this xx

Men can move on very quickly. But it must be extremely hard for you. Especially in your circumstances. Hopefully, you will meet a decent man in the future.

Absolutely. Someone moving on after a few days/weeks is a huge red flag for me that they’ve done zero self reflection or work on themselves and they’ll just rush into repeating same pattern with a rebound partner.

I wouldn’t touch a recently separated man with a bargepole

Yy to him having detached from you a long time ago where as you took the rekindling seriously. It’s not personal- he just wants sex and you were willing. He would have done it regardless of who you were and what you look like.

👏 This

Well yh put it this way, most men don't hang around lol. That's the message there. It is time to move on yourself.

Why does it matter? He isn't your problem anymore.

My ex was a PITA and wouldn't accept we were broken up because 'I was his soulmate'. Funny he didn't think about that while banging a close mutual friend (who was casually dating another close mutual friend) in our bed! By the time I managed to fully extract myself I was just relieved. I was well over him.

You've been on and off. He clearly wasn't fully committed. He's either ready to move on or looking for a rebound, or quite likely was still on there while you've been 'trying again'.

Honestly I think he was already on there waiting to find someone new to put up with his bullshit and be his mother and would have left you and moved in with them down the line. You were convenient sex, housekeeper and chef in meantime. Be proud you dumped his sorry ass and knew you were worth better.

@JofoXX He is probably just out to get shagged, sadly it sounds like the reality is that he was either never emotionally invested in you and the family or checked out some time ago from the sounds of his behaviour. Whereas you have remained invested in him so his behaviour seems more reprehensible. You have stronger morals and more self respect than he does. That's all. Be hurt, cry move on and be grateful you are no longer a carpet for him to wipe his feet on x

From what you've said, he didn't respect you anyway...

Your friend shouldn't be "informing" you that he's on tinder when frankly it has nothing to do with you anymore? You're much better off without him so ask your friend to keep it to herself.

It's up to him if he wants to be as shit of a dad as he was a partner. You be a good parent and your kids will see that as they grow up, there's not much you can do about it tbh.

He’s looking for someone who will put up with a cocklodger! Grey rock him and get a parenting app so he doesn't get to upset you you have much more important things to worry about!

File under: duh.

Men don't do months of healing and self care after break ups like women, they look for a woman to heal them for them

It's very usual and normal for men.

You're allowed to be hurt and upset tho! Just not surprising

@JofoXX

You need to move on. This is not about respect, or example for his kids (who do not care at the age of 1, or in general...) Surely you are not discussing your Ex's presence on dating apps with kids of any age????

Your marriage broke down in the summer. Clearly - the "working on the marriage" ended when he stayed out all night. You have broken up.
There is no prescribed time or manner on how to move from a broken relationship - whether it's been 1, 5, 10 years long.

Many men do tend to jump into casual dating/ hooking up very quickly. It's not right or wrong. Has nothing to do with the relationship prior to that. Your feelings about it - are understandable, but there are no moral failings in his seeking physical human connection to move on. His way is his. You have yours.

You don't need to date. It's a personal choice on when you feel ready. But it really shouldn't be dictated by how your ex behaved during a break-up.

A lot of men do this OP. It's a way for them to get instant validation. And yes, even after long term marriages or partnerships with children. Very often it's immaturity rather than just needing sex, they need someone to say ooh yes you've still got it. The more likes, the better they feel about failing. Even if they were the asshole and the main reason for the split.

I had an ex, a long term relationship too, much to my chagrin..... never mind..... who went on multiple dating sites pretty much within seconds of us having a bad argument about HIS shitty behaviour (he was an abuser). To make matters worse, he would even deny he had set up the profiles and claim they had created themselves.

Sigh.

It sucks and it stings doesn't it. But it basically shows you the absolute immaturity of the person you've been dealing with.

Focus all that energy into taking the best of care of YOU and your little ones now X

A friend’s DH of 18 years did it the day after separating. They have a young child so still in contact.
He was and is in a relationship with the first woman he met on Facebook dating the same week they ended their marriage.
It’s now been a year, he still wants his ex wife back. Messages her asking for another chance, they both now own their own homes etc. She’s not interested.
New partner hasn’t got a clue.

I think it just vindicates your decision to get rid of him. He wasn’t committed and you were a poor fit for each other. Let him be someone else’s problem now.

You didn't need to know this so I'd question your friend's motivation for telling you as some people love a bit of drama at others expense.

Wow, I’m sorry you have received so many invalidating responses.

It’s completely fair and understandable that you would feel shocked that someone who you once believed was committed to you for life could move on so fast after having apparently wanted to repair your marriage.

It sounds as though his feelings run rather shallow, which is no reflection on you, but rather on his own (in)ability to empathize with or commit to others in a deep and meaningful way.

I’m not sure that his behaviour is characteristic of most men. He sounds like he wasn’t a great partner to you and he hasn’t left himself much time to reflect on his own part on why your marriage didn’t last.

Time reveals all. In the meantime I think I would ask all your friends not to pass on information about his antics that might be upsetting to you, even if that information also validates your feelings that he’s not worthy of your energy.

Honestly?
It strikes me he just wants ease of access to get laid. And he’s trying to live a bachelor life.
It’s probably not about replacing you, but creating a new and different life to being a DP and responsible dad. I wouldn’t read too much into it & be grateful you dodged a bullet. Tell your friend, thanks for letting me know and don’t ask to see the profile.

He sounds like a disgusting, sleezy man child. Sounds like so many of my friends’ horrible exes!! He will be hollow inside but just trying to distract himself I recon. You keep doing what you’re doing, hold your head up high and good things will be coming your way. Well done on ending it x

But in his brain it wasn’t a week ago, he checked out a long time ago, checked back in and then out again, he’s had a different view on it to yours.

Hes on his own with nothing to do, your life hasn’t changed much apart from him not being there.

I was told many years ago that a man’s brain is wired completely differently to a woman. I’ve been on mum‘s net for about four years and the amount of posts I read like yours where the man basically leaves and heads straight into other relationships or sexual relationships surprises the woman who he left holding the babies and continuing with all the life Admin in an emotional turmoil.

His View on it will be completely different to yours, as a mother you will you will respond to nature and nurture, a man, well I won’t tarnish them with all the same brush but many are generally off to follow their dick. (We are more likely to have a bar of chocolate and a wine or a cup of tea)

OP, I think your friend shouldn’t have told you. This knowledge has nothing to offer you.
In any case, I underyou have two kids so no contact is not possible. Go low contact as much as possible though.