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Original poster

Ex husband on tinder after a week

114 replies

JofoXX · 04/02/2025 11:37

So, separated in August, after 5 years, we have 1 year old twins. Apart for 3 months, he had a casual thing with another woman, drinking binges etc, I was heartbroken.

We decided for some stupid reason to "try again" in November, he stayed out all night just 2 weeks ago, that was when it finally clicked in my head ENOUGH is ENOUGH

Got a message from a friend last night saying she saw him on Tinder. I know I don't want to be with him anymore but this still stings!

Desperation or didn't care at all about our marriage?

OP posts:
FrauPaige · 05/02/2025 05:12

Simply be thankful that you have wisely extracted yourself from the plonker and move on. Onwards and upwards.

And when he finds that it's slim pickings for plonkers on Tinder as well as IRL, and he comes knocking to "try again", it's a hard no.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 05/02/2025 05:16

smithey855 · 04/02/2025 11:43

Not sure what the issue is.

You broke off the marriage, and for good reason by the sounds of things.

What he does not is not your problem.

Gosh aren't you nice. It's obvious that empathy is a strong quality for you.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 05/02/2025 05:19

I see why you’re hurt. Even though you’ve done the right thing it’s hard to believe someone has treated you like that and moved on so easily. It makes you question everything as you feel so disposable.You’ve got your beautiful children out of him at least but what a shame. You’ll move on too. He wasn’t meant for you. Not good enough and likely has lots of self esteem issues Take care. You’ve got so much ahead of you in life.x

voodoodollwithmyname · 05/02/2025 05:45

My ex husband was on dating sites within weeks of leaving me after nearly 20 years (and also with 1 year old twins!)

Let him get on with it and thank your lucky stars you've seen the light and he's not your problem anymore

HelmholtzWatson · 05/02/2025 05:54

Single men like casual sex. More news at 11.

Theunamedcat · 05/02/2025 05:59

My ex was out on bail on plenty of fish using a photo I took of him on our honeymoon five years previously he was also refusing to sign divorce papers because he wanted is to get back together it was such unexplainable behaviour to me

category12 · 05/02/2025 06:02

Christl78 · 05/02/2025 05:08

OP, I think your friend shouldn’t have told you. This knowledge has nothing to offer you.
In any case, I underyou have two kids so no contact is not possible. Go low contact as much as possible though.

Edited
Show quote history

I think it is useful information actually. At least OP knows to close the door on him emotionally, instead of harbouring any hope of reconciliation. Splitting up isn't the kick he needed to change behaviour: true to form he's chasing other women immediately.

Blue278 · 05/02/2025 06:12

Standard behaviour.
What fascinates me is how they find a woman so quickly. Mine did. I want to ask her if she’s OK? 😆

MermaidMummy06 · 05/02/2025 06:15

It's fine to feel shocked. I was shocked 18 months ago when my female friend's DH cheated & she lost 20kg, throwing up, complete wreck etc. Three weeks on she was showing me her online dating profile & within days was telling me all about her new boyfriend!!

Or FIL, in his 70's, on with his wife's bff within weeks of her passing, sold the house they shared & married the new lady! I never hear him mention his wife of 50 years at all now & he dumped all her stuff.

Some people just move on, I suppose.

Jk987 · 05/02/2025 06:21

I sympathise, it must feel awful. Who cares whether it's technically ok to date or not, it must feel shit! Go easy on yourself, you've just split up and you have 2 babies to manage! Please tell me he's taking responsibility for his children and not leaving you to it?

namechangeGOT · 05/02/2025 06:50

Men do. It's pathetic really, like they can't survive without another woman stroking their tail.

Remember though, unfortunately there are women on tinder that are going to be feeling the first flush of excitement at the prospect of a relationship with your ex husband when let's be honest, he's just looking for an ego boost and a quick shag. He'll be making all the promises and the compliments and meaning none of them. You're well rid.

Slurper · 05/02/2025 06:54

JofoXX · 04/02/2025 11:50

Well I think if you can move on that quickly (a week) after a 5 year marriage and a family then that is very strange behaviour.

Edited

It’s certainly very man behaviour! It’s ok to feel how you do but just ignore it. You are clearly better off without him.

Rachmorr57 · 05/02/2025 06:56

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Lurkingandlearning · 05/02/2025 07:12

I doubt it’s desperation, he’s been doing ok with other women so far. I know that’s blunt but I doubt you disagree. He might have cared about your marriage to some extent but no where near as much as he cared about what he wanted.

The posters saying anything he does with other women stopped being your business the moment you ended your marriage are right technically, but emotions aren’t technical.

I think those posts must come from crabby people who are just having a dig or well intentioned people who have never been in the situation but imagine they would handle it clinically if they did.

If it does happen to them they might find that’s not the case. That would probably make it far worse for them as in addition to all the feelings they’ve previously thought others shouldn’t have they would have to deal with having let themselves down.

Far better to ponder why people might feel seemingly irrational feelings and be prepared that they might also feel similarly should it happen to them

TheaBrandt · 05/02/2025 07:20

Give him the one year old twins to look after that will slow things down rather.

category12 · 05/02/2025 07:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That's not fair, the women don't have the information. How does it reflect badly on them?

It's not like he's going on there announcing he's just out of a marriage because he's a cheating dog.

Elektra1 · 05/02/2025 07:28

A lot of people subscribe to the "best way to get over someone is to get under/on top of someone else" theory. It's hard not to take it personally but please try not to.

My wife left me for someone else almost 2 years ago and it's only really been in the past few weeks I've felt ready for dating. And even then, nothing serious. She however has been fully ensconced in a co-habiting situation involving their shared children since the day she moved out.

Everyone's different but I think taking time to heal and process emotions at the end of a relationship is usually for the best.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 05/02/2025 07:36

XH was doing something nasty a couple months ago and I was feeling angry about it and hurt and then a thought occurred to me and I stopped and really thought about it and I realised it was exactly what I should have expected from him, it was him being him and it was the exact same behaviour that destroyed our marriage. I thought I can be angry and disgusted and hurt or I can not make my life about him, acknowledge what he did and let it go for my sake and my kids sake. Im not saying you should be there yet, we've been seperated nearly 18 months now so much further down the road, just that I find it helpful to remember that this is who he is and his behaviour is about who he is, not me. It hurts to find out your ex is looking for a new partner while your're still grieving the relationship. It's understandable to be hurt and angry about this, how ever you feel is how you feel, it doesn't need justification, it is valid.

trailblazer42 · 05/02/2025 07:39

JofoXX · 04/02/2025 11:50

Well I think if you can move on that quickly (a week) after a 5 year marriage and a family then that is very strange behaviour.

Edited

It obviously ended for him a lot longer ago though. Completely different circumstances for me but I left my husband three months ago but really our marriage was over years ago and I’ve done my grieving/getting over it. It’s rare for couples to be on a parallel time line so don’t try to compare his behaviour to yours.

JudgeBread · 05/02/2025 07:42

Consider instead that some other poor mug right this moment might be signing up to take on his bullshit, and pity them!

I'm sorry, I understand why you're hurt. Breakups are a funny thing, everyone copes differently. Some people take months alone to get over it, some people are completely stoic and just get on with getting on, and some get over it by getting under someone else so to speak. It doesn't mean he didn't care about you when things were good, just like you're sick of his shit now but (probably!) really cared about him at one point!

User7288339 · 05/02/2025 07:48

It's totally typical, not unusual at all. Some men's people's way of coping with the break up.

Moonlightstars · 05/02/2025 07:49

GentlemanJay · 04/02/2025 12:22

You don't want to be with him, but you don't want him to move on. He's your ex. He's single. He can do what he wants. Men are different to women. They don't take a year out two "working on themselves" before they make the next step.

Do you want him to remain single. Will it validate your thoughts on him being a twat?

Speak for yourself. Some men do. Not all think with their dicks. I've had several close male friends who have been unable to think about dating after the breakdown of their marriages. They have been devastated at losing the family unit and not living with their children every day. One of them couldn't work for a month or so as they couldn't get out of bed. The last thing on their mind is dating or shagging.

ERthree · 05/02/2025 08:16

JofoXX · 04/02/2025 12:19

I'm sure about 1 thing. I'm staying single for a very long time🤣 last thing I could think of is chasing abit of an ego boost! I'd rather have my self dignity. Just another challenge to battle 💪

And that is exactly what he is doing, boosting his ego and interviewing for a new housekeeper at the same time. Men hate being on their own with nobody to do the housework, the food shopping , the cooking and the laundry. No doubt one of his criteria for matching is she must have her own place because then it really is her job to do all the housework. Just laugh at him.

namechangeGOT · 05/02/2025 08:40

Well doesn't say much for the women if they fall for it

@Rachmorr57

Unfortunately, those women won't have a clue because these men are experts at wool pulling!

winterdarkness · 05/02/2025 08:43

Sometimes a casual Tinder fling is useful to get over the previous relationship. That's probably all he's going to find. He wants to move on and these days, Tinder is the fastest way to meet someone on casual basis.

Sorry you are hurting but he's done nothing wrong (on this occasion)