How to Spy

[mousetrap101]

Hello! Long-time user but changed name for risk of being rumbled!

I have a very strong suspicion that DP of 12 years is cheating - potentially at this stage just online/phone, though possibly in-person..

• he has stared saying horrible things to me ("it's ok if a person stops finding their partner attractive and meets someone else", "you've changed a lot, put on weight, your body is different", "why do women get comfortable and fat in relationships?"). I'm 40 and a size 8-10. I was a size 4-6 when we met but living on cigarettes and coffee!
• he is on his phone, all the time, and panics if he can't immediately find it
• he is bathing more, during the day before I get home
• he wants to get back to the person he was 13 years ago - before we met

So, I have a long-term plan to leave, when I have enough financially to do so. It's become a toxic relationship. His ex from 20 years ago has been in touch - he told me initially but has stopped mentioning it since. I cannot get to his phone or computer, at all, ever. I work in an office Mon-Fri, he's at home. So, I wondered about some kind of listening device - has anyone used one? My worry is it will suddenly start playing back any audio and he'll know it's there. I can't put a tracker on his car, he hardly leaves the house (that I know of).

I know I don't have to do this, but it would make my resolve so much stronger and I feel I'd have a much better justification (for myself) to leave. I've been gaslighted for years and have been so down-trodden, I've just gotten used to it all and I've realised I'm destroyed as a person.

No kids, no joint assets, no mortgage etc., I just want to know that he's doing something - I need to validate my gut feeling!

Honestly I think you're in risky territory when you want to start placing listening devices into your house!

Practically, if he's on his phone cheating via messages / IMs you're not going to hear anything on the device.

Please just leave him, you don’t need any evidence. If no mortgage and renting go to an estate agents ASAP and find yourself a nice little flat, get all your ducks in a row and just leave. Don’t tell him your plans until you’ve moved, don’t give him the opportunity to gaslight you further x

Relationships are meant to be a positive thing in your life.

You can try and sit down and talk together, it might work but I get that it probably won't. If it can't be made to work, you need to work together to end it in a civilised manner.

Does he take his phone in the bathroom when showering etc? Does he take it to bed? Is it never ever left out?

Thanks, all..

@festivemouse I know, I guess I just thought he might have phone calls (or visitors) during the day, and just be messaging in the evenings..

I kind of want to catch him, you know? He always acts like such a martyr, how he is always good to people but they're never good to him. He keeps saying he'll do things behind people's backs now so that when they do it he knows he did it first. I've never been unfaithful in a relationship, my phone is open to him if he ever wanted it (he doesn't ever ask). I'm transparent with him. He is just making me close up because his behaviour is as it is - he's doing something and I want to know what, I want to remove his pedestal! I know that's really petty, isn't it..

Just leave. He's horrible to you and the reasons don't matter.

It's with him everywhere. We have an open plan kitchen/living room. If he goes to the kitchen and leaves it on the coffee table 8 metres away and I'm in the room, he'll come back and get it. It's never away from his person, he turns it off/switches what he's looking at if I get too close when he's on it

Do you have a doorbell camera? Home CCTV security?

Does his phone have pin lock or fingerprint lock?

Laptop or tablet? Are they locked?

I'd seen a thread where an op got a wall clock with a video in it for watching a dodgy workman (the workman was having a female visitor round). So there are items you can buy that record video or audio but they may be discovered and may not pick up any proof.

I agree with others that you don't need to know and can just leave without the proof but I understand the wanting to have proof. If you can't get proof just remind yourself you know he's not being a good partner and that's all you need to know really.

You do not need more evidence than you already have, this is not a court of law. You do not need listening devices, not that they are legal to use in any case.

The longer you remain with him the harder it will feel to leave and in the meantime you will continue to be gaslit. Your energies would be better employed now getting help from the likes of Womens Aid and a Solicitor to get him out of the property.

Have you got Alexa?

I don't think it's petty actually, I think if you're making life changing choices it makes sense to want to know the full picture.

Maybe get a Ring door camera - if he turns it off at any point during the day you'll know there's something he doesn't want you to see (and if you're close enough you could dash home and catch him out!)
Maybe a nanny cam?
What does he do with his phone when he's asleep?
A private investigator?

Or you could wait until he's next doing something on his phone, then call his bluff - say you know what's going on, show me your phone and if he won't tell him that's all the proof you need.

If you knew for certain that he wasn't actually cheating or doing anything nefarious would you still stay....? Because there's the dodgy behaviour and then there's the nastiness/ toxicity, linked potentially but could be two separate issues.

@Lookuptotheskies his phone is locked with a fingerprint, he hides his laptop or asks me to turn around when he puts the password for that in. We did have a doorbell camera, but the battery ran flat and he didn't want it put back up. I'd have to get a listening device I could put in a drawer - he would notice and not like something as obvious as a clock (he does the decorating/furnishing - he owns the house outright so my say is minimal).

@AttilaTheMeerkat It'd not be for any legal reason, I probably wouldn't even confront him with anything I did find, it would just be for me, to know for sure. My last partner cheated too and when I found out, had actual proof, the whole world lifted off my shoulders and I walked away. It's his house, outright (inherited), so it's me who has to leave, not him

I had an ex like this. Secretive with his phone, putting me down, brief initial mention of someone then nothing more, changes to things he did, etc. I KNEW without the proof. He still won't admit that he cheated because then he'd have to take a long hard look at himself and wouldn't like what he saw. He quickly become an official couple with the very person I suspected an affair with and they're still together. I know he cheated. I don't need official proof. I also knew he was being a knob. So I asked him to leave.

You deserve better op. Can you speed up your plans to leave in any way? Do you rent or mortgage??

If the house is his and you have no ties or not entitled to anything, then quite honestly I’d just walk away. This is no way to be living. His behaviour is dodgy imo.

@Redfred00 yes we've got an Alexa, I thought about that, but I'm sure it notifies when it's 'listening'?

@LittleGreenHouse thank you - it is that certainty that I need. Yes, I would still leave, eventually. But everyone thinks he's so bloody great, it makes me second guess and think it must be me. I'm the bread winner, the cook, I do the laundry - he moaned the other day that I don't clean. I mean, he's at home all day doing who knows what sometimes, he can bloody well clean! It's his house!

Honestly, I'd just leave. You don't trust him. He's shady. You are unhappy. Yjudt pack up and leave.

@Lookuptotheskies this is him exactly - I don't know why I need, proof, I just do, I guess.. I'd rent, he owns his place outright. I'm saving as much as I can, but he also has oversight of that - he insisted I get paid into a joint account so he can see what goes in and out, everything has to be accounted for. I did it to keep the peace - I thought we were in live and he was being cautious for us both. What a mug!

@Whattodo1610 I need to get enough money for a deposit etc. to rent, it's expensive where I am, but I like the area and my job, so would like to stay.

He sounds worse and worse with every comment you post!

He decides on the video doorbell going back up, he decides on decor and furniture, he doesn't do housework or laundry, etc.

I take it you don't have housing costs together at the moment which is one good thing but you mention being the breadwinner - surely there are only utility bills currently?!

You need to leave.

If you care what people think of him and why you have left just be honest with them. His comments on your weight, his controlling behaviour, his secretive shady behaviour, etc. but you need to not care, people who matter will surely just want you to be happy.

I know you want proof, but if you aren't happy and trusting of him, then leave. Knowing in your own mind, trusting your gut is enough.
I would spend no more time on him and get yourself set up and live your life without someone who makes you turn away from seeing his passwords!.

Cross post. So financial coersion too. 😔

OP contact women's aid.

And open your own account pronto and get your wages paid into it.

I would leave him as soon as you are able with your head held high.

You do not need further evidence re this man; you've already seen his behaviour change towards you by becoming more nasty and short tempered. His abusive behaviour in itself is enough to leave, let alone the rest of it.

Why do you need to know more if you are not going to confront him with anything (that he could well try and explain away) anyway?. If there is no trust there is no relationship.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

And he is financially abusing you to boot now. Have your salary paid into a separate sole named account.

Thank you @Lookuptotheskies I pay it all - his car tax, insurance, phone bill, all of the household bills, council tax, food, gifts, treats, all of it - he is, apparently, doing the house up for us both to live in, and that would cost so much if we got people in. It's his house, not ours, he's doing it as he wants to do it. I'm just being a mug and letting him.

Do you have children?

This gets worse and worse.

He is contributing nothing financially?! WTF?!