How to Spy

[mousetrap101]

Hello! Long-time user but changed name for risk of being rumbled!

I have a very strong suspicion that DP of 12 years is cheating - potentially at this stage just online/phone, though possibly in-person..

• he has stared saying horrible things to me ("it's ok if a person stops finding their partner attractive and meets someone else", "you've changed a lot, put on weight, your body is different", "why do women get comfortable and fat in relationships?"). I'm 40 and a size 8-10. I was a size 4-6 when we met but living on cigarettes and coffee!
• he is on his phone, all the time, and panics if he can't immediately find it
• he is bathing more, during the day before I get home
• he wants to get back to the person he was 13 years ago - before we met

So, I have a long-term plan to leave, when I have enough financially to do so. It's become a toxic relationship. His ex from 20 years ago has been in touch - he told me initially but has stopped mentioning it since. I cannot get to his phone or computer, at all, ever. I work in an office Mon-Fri, he's at home. So, I wondered about some kind of listening device - has anyone used one? My worry is it will suddenly start playing back any audio and he'll know it's there. I can't put a tracker on his car, he hardly leaves the house (that I know of).

I know I don't have to do this, but it would make my resolve so much stronger and I feel I'd have a much better justification (for myself) to leave. I've been gaslighted for years and have been so down-trodden, I've just gotten used to it all and I've realised I'm destroyed as a person.

No kids, no joint assets, no mortgage etc., I just want to know that he's doing something - I need to validate my gut feeling!

Use an old phone and put life 360 on it and put it on silent in his car to see if he is going anywhere dodgy.
Type his e mail address info password reset on sites like adult work, if he hasn’t got an account it will say not recognised. Although be aware if he does then it will alert him via e mail. But who cares as you would know then.
re the phone. ‘Lose’ your phone one day, pick up his phone casually and say ah sorry can I just use your phone as I’ve lost my phone and need to call it, what’s the pin? There will be a pin as well and if he doesn’t let you have it then that can spark a conversation about why is he being funny about it etc? Or get it when he just finished using it and went for a shower or something and it didn’t lock before hand.
get the ring doorbell put back in so you feel safe. And add inside one too.
there is a way to see visited sites by using DNS on your router and signing in with your IP address but not sure how to do that so you would need to look it up.
Ultimately he sounds like he isn’t nice to you anyway so is it worth it but I understand you feel the need to know.

Thanks for updating, you're brilliant op. Happy for you!

I am so pleased to read this update. I read the whole thread as it came up on active and was waiting until I’d completed it before responding to you.

I did a happy dance when I read your update.
CONGRATULATIONS and BLOODY WELL DONE 👍👏 🥳
Settle into your new home and make it comfortable and safe and yours. Prioritise yourself and think about doing some courses so you don’t meet this man again, only with a different name.
You haven’t come through all this, in your last two relationships, not to start to be valued and to value yourself.

Tell yourself I love you and I am good enough anytime negative thoughts come in. Say it over and over.
Sleep listening to positive self meditation, there are so many for free, on you tube - look out for ways you can grown your self worth and belief, talking therapies, reiki, see what your local woman’s aid can offer or your GP - change is an inside job and after escaping from from any abusive so called ‘relationship’ you will have trauma and change your thoughts and beliefs about what you are going to accept for yourself now takes an effort but look what you did!!!
You organised to get away, told people what was going on to get some support and you left! You have your own front door now, you gave your own money, you choose who comes inside your home and what you put up on the walls!!!
I genuinely wish you well and would love further updates if you felt like sharing.
Be so proud of yourself darling, I’m writing this at my kitchen table, I’ll never know you but I am so happy and proud of you 💗

He sounds like an absolute cunt OP, and really abusive, and I am glad you have decided to leave him.

However, secretly tracking and recording someone is also quite abusive behaviour in my opinion. In a sense I guess you could say he deserves it, but I am not sure it's great to meet one form of abuse with another.

Better just to walk away. It's utterly irrelevant whether or not he is cheating, to be frank.

Plus I think secretly recording people and tracking them, etc, is actually illegal? I am not sure where you would stand if you did this.

So please just don't.

ARGH, sorry, just saw your update which I missed.

Well done OP! Hurrah!

Hurray OP - I was just about to post you tips!!! It’s my specialist subject -

This was sorted a year ago

I thought about putting hidden cameras in the house when I strongly suspected my wife. I was going to put one facing the front door and another at the top of the stairs. Neither place would ever catch someone in a compromising position but would catch "visitors" while im not there.
I found several options for these that are hidden in day to day items. I was looking at something like dehumidifiers as we'd talked about using those.

It didn't come to that. I found out through definitive proof my suspicions were correct. I also found out the cameras would have been a waste of money as he had never been to the house.