How to Spy

[mousetrap101]

Hello! Long-time user but changed name for risk of being rumbled!

I have a very strong suspicion that DP of 12 years is cheating - potentially at this stage just online/phone, though possibly in-person..

• he has stared saying horrible things to me ("it's ok if a person stops finding their partner attractive and meets someone else", "you've changed a lot, put on weight, your body is different", "why do women get comfortable and fat in relationships?"). I'm 40 and a size 8-10. I was a size 4-6 when we met but living on cigarettes and coffee!
• he is on his phone, all the time, and panics if he can't immediately find it
• he is bathing more, during the day before I get home
• he wants to get back to the person he was 13 years ago - before we met

So, I have a long-term plan to leave, when I have enough financially to do so. It's become a toxic relationship. His ex from 20 years ago has been in touch - he told me initially but has stopped mentioning it since. I cannot get to his phone or computer, at all, ever. I work in an office Mon-Fri, he's at home. So, I wondered about some kind of listening device - has anyone used one? My worry is it will suddenly start playing back any audio and he'll know it's there. I can't put a tracker on his car, he hardly leaves the house (that I know of).

I know I don't have to do this, but it would make my resolve so much stronger and I feel I'd have a much better justification (for myself) to leave. I've been gaslighted for years and have been so down-trodden, I've just gotten used to it all and I've realised I'm destroyed as a person.

No kids, no joint assets, no mortgage etc., I just want to know that he's doing something - I need to validate my gut feeling!

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, OP. You've done a brilliant thing by making the decision to leave and beginning to plan your next steps. Keep posting and reading the wise advice and believe in your ability to do this - so many women have been in your situation and gone on to thrive when they get away from controlling, abusive partners. It's not easy but you're strong, you've survived a lot, you can do this.

This is a good point - if he's distracted with another woman I mighty be a good time to get out, he might be less likely to give you grief about it if he's feeling like Mr Loverman

You could get a background recording app for your mobile which allows it to record when switched off/locked and then leave it lying around/accidentally forget it one day.

Don’t record someone without their permission. Just contact work and change your bank details, get the money paid into your own account and leave. Sounds like you’d be better off financially.

I don’t think sneaking about, stooping to his level will make you feel better in the long run, it will always be turned against you. Keep your head high and get out.

Stop all that and get your wages paid into a separate account.
Does he have any money coming in?
What does he do all day ??

How will that help?

Thank you all so much for the supportive messages.

I will leave, but I can't just walk out - I admire people that can, but I'm not one of them. I have made my mind out and am emotionally checking out, which for me is a big first step.

I hope he is beginning an affair, and I hope it's distraction enough for him that he won't feel the need to look for me when I do go.

I don't know what he does at home - he does do some renovating of the house, though each room takes at least a couple of years to do. He hasn't earned an income over £1000 per year for many years. It's all fallen to me, and he's made it out that it's fair and equal - he owns the house and does it up, and I pay, for everything.. I know it's not fair, it's only now I feel able to acknowledge that to myself.

Thank you again for the advice and encouragement, it means a lot

With kindness @mousetrap101

"I guess I just need to know, so that when people tell me what a great bloke he is I know for certain that's rubbish"

So from your few short posts

• He is saying horrible things to you and criticising your very healthy weight
• He does not let you have any say in the house that you are paying all the bills for
• He has separated you from your friends and discouraged you to have a network outside of him.
• He has persuaded you that it’s okay for you to do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning while he sits back, does nothing and criticises you if not done to his standards.
• He is financially coercive, insisting you have your wages paid into a joint account and everything has to be accounted for.
• He has persuaded you to pay all household bills as well as HIS phone bill, car tax and insurance – you are paying for him to live and spend all day at home while you go out to work.

He is showing you that he does not value you or respect you as an equal, or a partner.

He is treating you like "paid help" rather than a partner and manipulated you into paying HIM for that dubious “privilege”.

He is not a great bloke, he is an abusive twat and has been wearing you down for the last 12 years. You deserve so much more than this.

You have turned your life around before, you can absolutely do it again. It’s brilliant that you are financially independent with no ties as it makes it much easier for you to leave.

Don’t waste your energy on finding ways to spy. Spend your mental energy getting into the right headspace to walk out and start a new and better life as soon as you possibly can.

One day you will look back and wish you had left sooner.

Thank you so much @Baileysandcream for your message.

I am fully aware I have allowed him to treat me this way. This is my path now to stop the behaviour and the remove myself from this environment. I've lost myself entirely, I've lost who I am and all to big up some guy who you're right, has no respect for me at all..

Ok, so, get your wages paid into your own personal account. Then only pay your necessities, don’t pay any of his items, that will leave you with more money to save to be able to leave.

Can’t work out how he’s not earned more than £1000 per year mind …

You can listen in via Alexa. It's called drop in. I have a friend who caught her husband cheating by dropping in and listening via Alexa.
Enable Drop-In in the Alexa app:

1. Open the Alexa app


2. Select Devices from the menu at the bottom of the screen.


3. Select Echo & Alexa, and then select your device you would like to Drop-In on.


4. Select Communications.


5. Select Drop In, and then select which permissions to enable or disable.

I use drop in to chat with family . It’s obvious that it’s on ! Also permission needed to start drop in in the first place.

He brings absolutely nothing to your life! Save the money you want to spend on listening devices etc and go off and have a nicer life.

If you stop paying all the bills and his personal expenses you can afford a single rental, some don't need a deposit. He's using and abusing you, you gave to leave, what's the point in staying, he brings nothing to your life except a roof over your head which you pay for. You've no children, no commitment, you owe him fuck all.

I put the Alexa app on my phone (just playing around with it) and found it will play back every single question you have ever asked!

I mean it plays back audio. So I listened to myself asking the time and the weather a million times then listened back so far I heard my ex asking the time and nearly jumped out of my skin.

So you might hear your partner asking relevant questions?

As someone who has had to up and leave everything, with children 3 times! including jobs, pack a small bag put in birth cert and passports whatever else is important walk out and ring womens aid! get a fresh start and don't look back! (3 times from the same person before anyone thinks it was 3 different men!) your safety is more important than a job and money! they will put you in a refuge and you will feel like a massive weight has been lifted.

Hi All, I just wanted to update:

I've been in my new home for a week!

I found a zero-deposit rental, borrowed the first month rent from my mum. I got the keys three weeks before I left, got basic furniture (bed and sofa) from local selling pages, and then, when it all started again, just said "I can't take any more" and left. It took a couple of hours to pack my clothes up and fill the car.

Me and the cat are happy, he is desperate to go outside but can't just yet. I cried the second night, I felt a little lonely, but that was soon outdone by relief.

I've not heard anything from him at all. I didn't end up using anything to spy, I don't know if there was anything going on and I don't care anymore.

I just want to say thank you all for your support and words of advice! Here's to new beginnings, and boundaries!

Fantastic update. Well done and indeed, new beginnings and hope for lots of happiness and most importantly, peace!

Brilliant! Well done on getting free!

Aw I've just seen your updated. Congratulations, you must be feeling so much lighter without his nastiness bringing you down. Wishing you all the best for the future!

(Also I love the idea that he's going to have to now somehow figure out how to pay for his bills/lifestyle on his meagre £1,000 a year "income"!).

So lovely to read your update @mousetrap101 congratulations on your new home !

It feels like a good time of year for a fresh start doesn't it? Here's to new beginnings and happier days for you !

Thanks all! It feels like such a relief to have space and freedom, to not worry what time I eat or have a shower, to not have to justify what I want to buy with my salary..

I don't often see updates after threads like these, and I'm so proud of myself for actually doing it I had to tell you all!

Hey Im proud of you too if the words of a stranger mean anything to you. Well done you x

I found out about husbands affair as I left my Apple Watch on record underneath a bag.

worked a treat and highly recommend.

Lovely update OP

He sounds like a piece of fcking 💩

Look after yourself

Be kind to yourself

Value yourself

Never ever settle for mediocre men xxxx