How to Spy

[mousetrap101]

Hello! Long-time user but changed name for risk of being rumbled!

I have a very strong suspicion that DP of 12 years is cheating - potentially at this stage just online/phone, though possibly in-person..

• he has stared saying horrible things to me ("it's ok if a person stops finding their partner attractive and meets someone else", "you've changed a lot, put on weight, your body is different", "why do women get comfortable and fat in relationships?"). I'm 40 and a size 8-10. I was a size 4-6 when we met but living on cigarettes and coffee!
• he is on his phone, all the time, and panics if he can't immediately find it
• he is bathing more, during the day before I get home
• he wants to get back to the person he was 13 years ago - before we met

So, I have a long-term plan to leave, when I have enough financially to do so. It's become a toxic relationship. His ex from 20 years ago has been in touch - he told me initially but has stopped mentioning it since. I cannot get to his phone or computer, at all, ever. I work in an office Mon-Fri, he's at home. So, I wondered about some kind of listening device - has anyone used one? My worry is it will suddenly start playing back any audio and he'll know it's there. I can't put a tracker on his car, he hardly leaves the house (that I know of).

I know I don't have to do this, but it would make my resolve so much stronger and I feel I'd have a much better justification (for myself) to leave. I've been gaslighted for years and have been so down-trodden, I've just gotten used to it all and I've realised I'm destroyed as a person.

No kids, no joint assets, no mortgage etc., I just want to know that he's doing something - I need to validate my gut feeling!

Sort your wages being put into your own account by the end of today.

A much better use of your time and effort than this mad self torture.

You don't need proof that he is an arse. You need proof that you are an amazing, capable women.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I guess I just need to know, so that when people tell me what a great bloke he is I know for certain that's rubbish. My mum raised me and my brother, my dad walked out when I was two and he ceased contact when I was 14. I've never had a great male role model and I think I tolerate it because it's the only kind of relationship I've known, everyone has used and cheated on me - even friends used me financially. I'm just a doormat and trying desperately to change that now.

@RunningJo thank you x

@Lookuptotheskies no, no children. When we met that was on the cards, and marriage. Neither transpired. Turns out he said the same to his ex before me - she left because she really wanted to get married and have another child (she has one from a previous relationship). DP's mum told me that...

@HappyNewFeckingYear It's not worth the argument or the risk of being kicked out and having to sleep in the car (I've done that before, too). I can't change that until I have somewhere I can call home to go to x

This indeed gets worse and worse. You're paying to live in his house; a house you have no claim over whatsoever.

Please enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme going forward and do not enter into another relationship until your boundaries are a lot higher than the sub level they're currently at. Your preoccupation with proof has taken precedence over seeing the bigger picture of him abusing and otherwise taking advantage of you. I presume you met this individual not too long after your ex and or when you were in a low place yourself.

Read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

fucking hell, just bloody leave him

I mean this very kindly, but you need to get some self respect. He's coercive and unpleasant. You need to up and go regardless of whether he is cheating. Would all his behaviour suddenly become acceptable if he wasn't cheating?

Is there anyone you could stay with for a month whilst you get a rental deposit together?

Exactly this.
Open your own bank account online today. Once sorted, arrange for your wages to be paid into it. Don’t tell him you’ve done this, he’ll find out when your next pay doesn’t go into his account.

You will never get somewhere if you don’t have your own bank account, and control of your own money.

I've changed my mind with your subsequent posts.
Put your efforts into your well being.
Make plans and leave ASAP
Have you managed to maintain any friendships through this relationship?

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat

I have heard of the Freedom Programme.

I met him when I had been out of my previous relationship just six months - I left that when he broke my ribs and had me in hospital, so I was fragile and looking for comfort, which I initially got. He has since told everyone about my experience. I got cross as that wasn't his experience to share. He said it's because he loved me that he told people.

@fatandtrying I am getting there!

@Wibblywobblybobbly 100% I agree with you. I have spent 12 years being beaten down and I've hit rock bottom and can see I'm not myself anymore. I can't stay anywhere else but I'm hopeful it will only take a month or two more before I can leave.

@Whattodo1610 I have my own bank account, that my own direct debits go from, I just get paid into a joint one.

@HappyNewFeckingYear No, no friendships - they were all slowly let go of, because he didn't like women who had girly nights out or lunches, or had male friends (I had one, I'd known him since I was 4, he said it was disrespectful, all the while he was chatting to three of his exes!).. I've been a right mug and I'm ashamed of myself

So sorry to read your dad walked out when you were two years old. That has indeed left its mark and those effects last in adulthood. It was not your fault he walked out, you were but a child at the time.

re your comment

"I've never had a great male role model and I think I tolerate it because it's the only kind of relationship I've known, everyone has used and cheated on me - even friends used me financially. I'm just a doormat and trying desperately to change that now.

This is why I asked you what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

This man is the latest in a long line of people who have taken advantage of you.Please get therapy for yourself going forward and what you learnt about relationships to date needs to be unlearnt.

Your type is not your type.

Be tired of being the last person who matters.

Oh no no no, you need leave asap! He’s fleecing you and the longer you stay the more financially better of he’ll be! Make yourself homeless and go to the council if you have to!

Bloody hell, has he always been so secretive or is this new? Have you ever asked him why he behaves like that and guards his devices to such an extreme degree? Not only is he likely hiding something but also suggests he doesn’t have any trust in you. That is not normal!

TBH if he’s that insanely protective of them I don’t know how you’d be able to do anything without professional help.

So I’d probably go the other way and play him at his own game - secretly leave him. Pack up and go - either by stealth over days when he’s out, or in one go when he’s away from the house. Then block him.

You basically went from one abuser to another albeit of a different type but abusive all the same. This is not an uncommon scenario and you were indeed vulnerable to such approaches from abusive men who targer such vulnerable women.

You need a refuge place.

If you pay his phone bill, you can surely see who he texts and who he phones via the itemised bill?

not if the contracts nor in her name or goes to her email!

@Ariela no, the contract is in his name, not mine, I can't see anything

There’s all sorts of listening devices on Amazon for £30 ish. I’d just order one and plant it tbh op. I’m like you and I’d have to know. Particularly as he seems to have such an air of superiority and is likely to rewrite history.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Get the help you need to leave.

He may not have broken any bones yet but he has abused you.

Please get your wages paid into your own account today. This is more worthwhile than spying. I was the same, suspicious and drive myself mad looking for signs which I couldn't 100% pinpoint until he packed the car up one day and moved in with another woman and left me with to pay it all alone. Thankfully it's bought and I'm able to afford to pay all the bills myself but it was highly traumatic.

Given you're paying for everything now, if you move your wages to your account asap, your next wage should free you up a deposit for you to get the hell out of there before he bears you to it and you get home from work to locks changed and another woman's shoes in the hall. Believe me, being financially abusive and horror to you is enough to leave. You don't need proof of cheating to explain your separation to others!

Just tell him your company has a new policy a will not pay wages joint account. TBH I think this should be law.

Could you borrow what you need to get out OP. Would parents or family help you?

You don't need a reason to go. You can just say this isn't working for me. You can just leave. Do need to share details.

Cancel direct debts for his phone etc. make a financial plan.

A good start is to filter any personal belongings and keepsakes out that can't be replaced. The rest is stuff and can be replaced if necessary.

Read the resources other posters have shared. Make a safety plan. You will never regret leaving a man like this. Good luck 🤞🏼

Are you mental?

🚨STOP!! 🚨

Just leave You can afford for him to not be there. No need to snoop when he’s a cocklodge in his own house.

He's just a dp, you're not married?
Stop paying any of his bills. Get your pay in your own account.
He's showing you who he is and it's not nice.
If you're afraid of his reaction, hopefully you can get somewhere to stay very soon and support from women's aid.
I don't think lack of proof of really the problem, though I understand why you'd want it. His behaviour is bad enough even if he not cheating!

I'd also get a cheap spy cam, or if you have a dash cam that records while car is parked have some car trouble requiring you to get other transport to work for a few days. Doesn't sound like it would need to last long. And ensure your money is outside of his control - second @Acornsoup's succession to fib about a new policy at work to buy you time. And plan plan plan!

It's so sad that women so often stay with these horrible men through a world of shit and abuse and only leave when they find cheating.
He's a dick. He has contempt for you. GO! Who cares if he's cheating! Good luck to her! Maybe it'll make it easier for you to escape if he has a distraction! Don't bother spying. Just get yourself a divorce lawyer.