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Original poster

Is this a red flag?

81 replies

Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 10:52

I broke up with DP of 9 years 3 months ago and moved back to my parents. Since then we have been trying to work on things and it has been a lot better. He has asked me to move back in in a few months time but so scared I'll go back to feeling the same way. We have talked a lot and agreed how to fix certain things that were causing issues like finances and him being very messy. This weekend I mentioned about if we are getting back together I'd like to be engaged in a year or so. His response was that I have broken some of his trust, it will take time to rebuild and he can't put a timeline on getting married. Is this a red flag? I'm worried that he is going to hold it against me that I moved out and that I'll almost have to prove myself to him or maybe it's reasonable? The fact we weren't engaged after 9 years was one of the things that drove me to leave as felt it wasn't going to happen.

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 03/02/2025 10:55

So he's got no intention of budging on one of the major issues that you had with your relationship??

This really does seem like a no brainer

Original poster
Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 10:55

Arrivederla · 03/02/2025 10:55

So he's got no intention of budging on one of the major issues that you had with your relationship??

This really does seem like a no brainer

He said he does want to get married but doesn't want to commit to a time frame right now

OP posts:
ShushImTalking · 03/02/2025 11:03

Did you contribute equally to living together? Bills, rent, cleaning?
Was he taking you for granted?

Seas164 · 03/02/2025 11:08

if we are getting back together I'd like to be engaged in a year or so

How can you want this if you don't even know if moving back in will work? What a strange goal to have.

Why not move back in and see if the issues that lead to your splitting up in the first place have been resolved, and work out if it is indeed a relationship that has the potential to be healthy and happy? Surely that's a no brainer prerequisite before thinking about being engaged?

I don't get it?

Seas164 · 03/02/2025 11:08

Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 10:55

He said he does want to get married but doesn't want to commit to a time frame right now

Show quote history

This sounds completely sensible given that you don't even know if you can live together happily?

Highlighta · 03/02/2025 11:10

9 years of dating and no engagement, and now you have to prove yourself to 'gain his trust' all over again?

The not getting engaged would be fine if it is something that you both agree on, but it is clear that you want to get married.

Absolute red flag.

If he wanted you back that badly, he would have proposed already. He just wants his life back to how it was.

Stay where are you and do not move back in. Why do you need to be the one to build his 'trust' again. Fuck that.

username299 · 03/02/2025 11:13

I admire your optimism. He's shown you contempt by not cleaning up after himself for 9 years and God knows what the financial issues are. Controlling, gambling, spendthrift, tight...?

For nine years you've wanted to marry and even after splitting up, he's still not sure.

I'll bet my house he soon falls into old habits and you won't drag him up the aisle.

Original poster
Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 11:13

Seas164 · 03/02/2025 11:08

if we are getting back together I'd like to be engaged in a year or so

How can you want this if you don't even know if moving back in will work? What a strange goal to have.

Why not move back in and see if the issues that lead to your splitting up in the first place have been resolved, and work out if it is indeed a relationship that has the potential to be healthy and happy? Surely that's a no brainer prerequisite before thinking about being engaged?

I don't get it?

Well I'm not saying if I moved back and things were terrible I'd want that. I'm talking about if things were going well then I want that. I don't think it's unreasonable to have expectations of what will happen longer term as that is part of what was making me unhappy. Obviously if things were bad we won't be getting engaged as we would be breaking up again!

OP posts:
Original poster
Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 11:16

username299 · 03/02/2025 11:13

I admire your optimism. He's shown you contempt by not cleaning up after himself for 9 years and God knows what the financial issues are. Controlling, gambling, spendthrift, tight...?

For nine years you've wanted to marry and even after splitting up, he's still not sure.

I'll bet my house he soon falls into old habits and you won't drag him up the aisle.

When you put it like that I feel like a bit of a mug!

OP posts:
MayaPinion · 03/02/2025 11:19

He has dodgy finances, is very messy, and doesn’t want to marry you. What are you thinking?

P.S. You know he doesn’t want to marry you. You were together for 9 years. If he wanted to marry you you’d be married by now.

You can do better.

hideawayforever · 03/02/2025 11:26

You moved out because of his behaviours and now instead of taking responsibility for them, he's now turning it against you. No I would not be moving back.

Arrivederla · 03/02/2025 11:27

MayaPinion · 03/02/2025 11:19

He has dodgy finances, is very messy, and doesn’t want to marry you. What are you thinking?

P.S. You know he doesn’t want to marry you. You were together for 9 years. If he wanted to marry you you’d be married by now.

You can do better.

Exactly this 👏

Things will be even worse if you do get back together; he'll be all "we'd be married by now if only you hadn't broken my trust!" ... but you know that isn't true.

He's shown you who he is for 9 years; I think you are going to have to accept that this isn't right for you and move on.

I know it isn't easy but imagine if you were still struggling with the same problems in another 9 years? (And, tbh, I think you probably would be!)

Original poster
Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 11:30

Arrivederla · 03/02/2025 11:27

Exactly this 👏

Things will be even worse if you do get back together; he'll be all "we'd be married by now if only you hadn't broken my trust!" ... but you know that isn't true.

He's shown you who he is for 9 years; I think you are going to have to accept that this isn't right for you and move on.

I know it isn't easy but imagine if you were still struggling with the same problems in another 9 years? (And, tbh, I think you probably would be!)

Show quote history

Thanks. I think I know that is the truth but I don't know why it's so bloody hard to just walk away from it? When I put it on paper it sounds mad to be going back especially when he is making comments like that. I feel like that big cliche of that I love him but it's not working.

OP posts:
Seas164 · 03/02/2025 11:30

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd be moving back in with a messy man with financial issues, never mind giving him any kind of impression I wanted to marry him, unless he'd done a complete 180 and turned himself around and maintained it, was fully aware of his shortcomings and how lucky he was to be getting even considered for second chance.

Theolittle · 03/02/2025 11:31

Apart from everything else if you marry this man his debt will be legally half your debt, why would you want that?

Original poster
Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 11:33

Btw the financial issues aren't anything to do with debt. He has actually better finances than me but I felt I had no freedom to spend my money as was trying to match his investment in the house on a lower salary than him. But we have agreed going forward we would pool finances proportional to salary and have equal money to do what we want each month.

OP posts:
Olika · 03/02/2025 11:33

It would be mad to get back together. If he wanted to marry you he would have done so by now. He is just future faking and you are wasting your time with him.

northernlight20 · 03/02/2025 11:35

hes stringing you along. you have already done 9yrs and once you move back in, you will settle back into the old routine, time to get rid.

Rhaidimiddim · 03/02/2025 11:35

Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 10:52

I broke up with DP of 9 years 3 months ago and moved back to my parents. Since then we have been trying to work on things and it has been a lot better. He has asked me to move back in in a few months time but so scared I'll go back to feeling the same way. We have talked a lot and agreed how to fix certain things that were causing issues like finances and him being very messy. This weekend I mentioned about if we are getting back together I'd like to be engaged in a year or so. His response was that I have broken some of his trust, it will take time to rebuild and he can't put a timeline on getting married. Is this a red flag? I'm worried that he is going to hold it against me that I moved out and that I'll almost have to prove myself to him or maybe it's reasonable? The fact we weren't engaged after 9 years was one of the things that drove me to leave as felt it wasn't going to happen.

He didn't want to marry you.

He still doesn't want to marry you, and now has a perfect excuse not to - namely that you moved out and he can't trust you.

All that'll happen in the future is that, every time you raise wanting to get married, he'll say he can't trust you. If you get back together, on his issue he has all the power.

Alalalala · 03/02/2025 11:36

God, he sounds awful. Don’t be dense @Minnie910 - he won’t change and he’s already being controlling again with the ‘broken trust’ shit. He broke your trust.

You've been together for a long time so expect it to feel hard. But you can do hard things when they’re right. Put a plan in place to leave him behind and build a brilliant new life.

MsPavlichenko · 03/02/2025 11:38

Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 11:33

Btw the financial issues aren't anything to do with debt. He has actually better finances than me but I felt I had no freedom to spend my money as was trying to match his investment in the house on a lower salary than him. But we have agreed going forward we would pool finances proportional to salary and have equal money to do what we want each month.

He is a walking read flag. He has already shown you what he is like, and now he has the cheek to say he’s putting you on probation! You should walk away from this, otherwise you’ll waste more of your life on this waster, and potentially a lot of money too.

Google the Freedom Programme , then do it though whatever you decide.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/02/2025 11:42

Yes, he is a veritable walking, talking Red Flag. Don’t do it op. He’s not the man for you. Move on.

Seas164 · 03/02/2025 11:43

I think I know that is the truth but I don't know why it's so bloody hard to just walk away from it?

Do not underestimate how much we have been brainwashed by society into thinking that heterosexual marriage is some kind of panacea for women, and you've not made it until you've got the white dress and the ring on your finger.

It's far from the truth, and look how much you're bending yourself out of shape, not being true to yourself and what you could have because he's dangling the option of washing his pants and socks for the rest of your life as some kind of carrot.

Fuck him off. Honestly. Your life is short, and precious and being subconsicously left on the shelf is hijacking your decision making. Don't let it. Sack him off and go and thrive, if you find someone who will add to your life, then great. But they'd better be worth it. He is not.

Lobelia123 · 03/02/2025 11:44

I think nine years is plenty of time to decide whether or not you love and trust someone enough to want to commit to spending the rest of your life with them. Hugs xxxx

teenmaw · 03/02/2025 11:48

You are trauma bonded to this man op, 100%.

He's been a non committal cunt, behaved terribly, now he's turning it all back on you saying you need to prove yourself when all you did was put a boundary in place to stop putting up with his utter shite! Now you're so scared of rejection you're the one starting to feel compelled to beg for his forgiveness and acceptance. THIS IS GASLIGHTING IN THE HIGHEST DEGREE. He is playing you like a fiddle OP, no way will he change, or marry you. Waste as much time as you like before the penny drops but if I were you I'd pull my socks up and get on with moving on. You'll look back in a years time and thank yourself believe me.