Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a red flag?

81 replies

Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 10:52

I broke up with DP of 9 years 3 months ago and moved back to my parents. Since then we have been trying to work on things and it has been a lot better. He has asked me to move back in in a few months time but so scared I'll go back to feeling the same way. We have talked a lot and agreed how to fix certain things that were causing issues like finances and him being very messy. This weekend I mentioned about if we are getting back together I'd like to be engaged in a year or so. His response was that I have broken some of his trust, it will take time to rebuild and he can't put a timeline on getting married. Is this a red flag? I'm worried that he is going to hold it against me that I moved out and that I'll almost have to prove myself to him or maybe it's reasonable? The fact we weren't engaged after 9 years was one of the things that drove me to leave as felt it wasn't going to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 11:52

Thanks I think this is helping me to get it out and get my head a bit straighter. When I left initially he was all nice to me and making tonnes of effort, making me feel appreciated. I'm sitting saying things are better but if I'm truly honest, I feel like I am now having to make the effort to win him back. I've been taking care of the dog on weekends and even going round and cleaning the house when I'm there. Like what is wrong with me?!

OP posts:
Highlighta · 03/02/2025 11:52

Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 11:16

When you put it like that I feel like a bit of a mug!

Show quote history

The thing is @Minnie910 that is is easier for us to see from the outside. We do not have the emotional tie that you do. We are just going on facts, that you have given us.

Perhaps now you have 'talked out loud' about it, with people who know neither of you, might make it easier for you to see the woods for the trees.

Chances are very strong that life is going to largely to back to how it was. Maybe there will be a shuffle in how finances work, but what about the rest? You left for more than that one reason I am quite sure.

username299 · 03/02/2025 11:54

I've been taking care of the dog on weekends and even going round and cleaning the house when I'm there.

😬

stampin · 03/02/2025 11:58

'Cleaning the house?'

I can imagine me doing that, some of us really our own worst enemies OP.

Highlighta · 03/02/2025 12:00

Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 11:52

Thanks I think this is helping me to get it out and get my head a bit straighter. When I left initially he was all nice to me and making tonnes of effort, making me feel appreciated. I'm sitting saying things are better but if I'm truly honest, I feel like I am now having to make the effort to win him back. I've been taking care of the dog on weekends and even going round and cleaning the house when I'm there. Like what is wrong with me?!

Nothing wrong with you at all OP.

But he has conditioned you to feel you need to do this.

You don't.

Just the fact that he thought the division of finances was fine that like for 9 years, is just bloody awful in itself. And you no doubt felt, guilt and tried to make up for it and he let you do it.

Nah. He is not a great catch OP.

Original poster
Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 12:07

Highlighta · 03/02/2025 11:52

The thing is @Minnie910 that is is easier for us to see from the outside. We do not have the emotional tie that you do. We are just going on facts, that you have given us.

Perhaps now you have 'talked out loud' about it, with people who know neither of you, might make it easier for you to see the woods for the trees.

Chances are very strong that life is going to largely to back to how it was. Maybe there will be a shuffle in how finances work, but what about the rest? You left for more than that one reason I am quite sure.

Show quote history

You are right there were a multitude of reasons. I think I'm looking back with rose tinted glasses as I'm feeling a bit lonely and just don't want to be single but I think I'm just not used to not having him around all the time. It's crazy as I was miserable while there and now things are better it's like you forget how bad it was! Probably not helping that I have one foot in the door and not properly moving on with my life

OP posts:
AwaitingFreedom · 03/02/2025 12:40

I've been taking care of the dog on weekends and even going round and cleaning the house when I'm there.
Oh dear gawd... He hasn't stopped being messy despite him promising to do better.

I felt I had no freedom to spend my money as was trying to match his investment in the house on a lower salary than him.
Hes been financially abusing you for years!

When I left initially he was all nice to me and making tonnes of effort,
Of course he would. He's lost someone who pays for his lifestyle, and cleaned up after him for 9 years - and still does it when they've broken up.

You need to do The Freeom Programme and work out why you think you are worth so little. Walk away from this one, he will never make you happy.

Seas164 · 03/02/2025 12:57

I've been taking care of the dog on weekends and even going round and cleaning the house when I'm there. Like what is wrong with me?!

He's got you right on the hook hasn't he? There's nothing wrong with you, you have got a skewed view of what is reasonable and he's got you dancing to his tune alright. You on some level think if you can just be a "good enough" he will want you. If you clean his house and walk his dog and do an impression of a "good wife" he will eventually see your worth and want to keep you around.

Just stop it. Pull the plug, don't degrade yourself any longer. Work out why this happened so you can make sure it doesn't happen again and re evaluate what you feel you are worthy of and why, and what being married or in a relationship means to you and why you're walking over hot coals to be in one.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 03/02/2025 13:09

So you have broken his trust by not putting up with his nonsense and now he's persuaded you to come back he's using that lack of trust to not get engaged, even though not being married after so long was one of your complaints?

Honestly, I'd call it a day. The issues have not been resolved because you can't change people just because you want them to change. He's blaming you now for not putting up with his shit. If you go back it'll be exactly the same but with added resentment on his part.

And stop cleaning his house, ffs! What's up with you that you'd do that? Part of the problem was his messiness - he's just as messy as before and you're cleaning up after him even though you don't live there!

Original poster
Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 13:29

MounjaroOnMyMind · 03/02/2025 13:09

So you have broken his trust by not putting up with his nonsense and now he's persuaded you to come back he's using that lack of trust to not get engaged, even though not being married after so long was one of your complaints?

Honestly, I'd call it a day. The issues have not been resolved because you can't change people just because you want them to change. He's blaming you now for not putting up with his shit. If you go back it'll be exactly the same but with added resentment on his part.

And stop cleaning his house, ffs! What's up with you that you'd do that? Part of the problem was his messiness - he's just as messy as before and you're cleaning up after him even though you don't live there!

Yes writing it down here is making me have a bit of a head wobble and wondering why I am doing this. Especially cleaning the fucking house. I think he's made me feel guilty that I've left and he's got to deal with everything on his own. Not that he is considering why I've actually left in the first place.

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 03/02/2025 13:30

It sounds like you want very different things and I doubt he is suddenly going to change. If he didn't want to get married during the nine years you were together, I can't see why he would change his mind now, frankly. He's just using the stuff about breaking trust as an excuse. I don't think it's especially surprising that someone wouldn't want to commit to getting married when you'd only just got back together after a split, but he also didn't want to get married during the nine years before you split either, so the trust thing is a red herring here.

He doesn't want to get married, and he probably never will. That's completely up to him, of course - he's entitled not to want to marry (I speak as someone who doesn't want to marry either!). But you are absolutely entitled to make that a dealbreaker. My advice is to end the relationship and find someone who wants the same things as you do and will make you feel happy and loved rather than insecure and miserable.

MayaPinion · 03/02/2025 14:20

Wait, you went round and cleaned his house when you weren’t even dating? Even though his messiness was one of the reasons you broke up? What ARE you doing? What would you say if your best friend or sister was doing this for some man she wasn’t even dating?! You can come round and clean my house if you’re looking for houses to clean.

hideawayforever · 03/02/2025 14:36

He's now punishing you for leaving by putting the engagement on hold...until you've proven yourself worthy ffs.
What exactly has he done to get you back? if he wanted you back he should be doing hell and all to get you back, he's not. instead you're going round there cleaning and looking after the dog. he's got it all ways.
Tables have been turned by him, it's now you having to prove yourself while he hasn't changed at all.

Original poster
Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 15:26

hideawayforever · 03/02/2025 14:36

He's now punishing you for leaving by putting the engagement on hold...until you've proven yourself worthy ffs.
What exactly has he done to get you back? if he wanted you back he should be doing hell and all to get you back, he's not. instead you're going round there cleaning and looking after the dog. he's got it all ways.
Tables have been turned by him, it's now you having to prove yourself while he hasn't changed at all.

Yes you are completely right. I feel like an absolute idiot tbh

OP posts:
teenmaw · 03/02/2025 16:20

You're not an idiot op, I bet most of us commenting on this thread have been in exactly the same trap you are and that's why we can see it. People like him prey on people like us. Horrible manipulators that will play your mind til it spins, taking advantage of our kind hearts, selflessness and pure intentions for their own good. Making you feel like you're the problem so your left constantly begging and bending over backwards for approval, validation and acceptance. You're past the hardest part now, seeing it for what it is. This man is a leech, you need to cut contact and do the work on yourself to understand why you've been sucked into this to stop it happening again. He can be someone else's problem op, live your life, build it around your passions, interests and people (your good people, not him!)

FabFeb01 · 03/02/2025 16:37

Nine years?! And he’s still not sure?! That’s quite unbelievable. Don’t give him any more time except to just call the whole thing off.

Original poster
Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 17:53

FabFeb01 · 03/02/2025 16:37

Nine years?! And he’s still not sure?! That’s quite unbelievable. Don’t give him any more time except to just call the whole thing off.

Yeah I think after 9 years it's just never going to happen is it.

OP posts:
CatsWhiskerz · 03/02/2025 18:15

You both have to get everything aired and discussed and decided what course of action and you both sheee, otherwise it has no chance of surviving.

sprigatito · 03/02/2025 18:18

What are you playing at? Fuck him off! He's setting out his stall with absolutely no subtlety here - he wants you on the back foot, in the subordinate position begging for his trust and commitment. Why in the name of Jumpin' Jehoshephat would you even consider entertaining that?!

Original poster
Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 19:55

sprigatito · 03/02/2025 18:18

What are you playing at? Fuck him off! He's setting out his stall with absolutely no subtlety here - he wants you on the back foot, in the subordinate position begging for his trust and commitment. Why in the name of Jumpin' Jehoshephat would you even consider entertaining that?!

Yeah I didn't realise how ridiculous it is until I have had some outside perspective on it

OP posts:
Gymbunny89 · 04/02/2025 10:18

I'd definitely not be going back to that or cleaning his house!!

Semiramide · 04/02/2025 10:24

2 useful books for you, @Minnie910

  • Women Who Love Too Much
  • The Six Pillars of Self Esteem
user2848502016 · 04/02/2025 10:34

My first thought was it makes sense not to put a timeframe on getting engaged, and getting married isn'y compulsory either.

But reading all your posts I now think you'd be mad going back to him. He's got no intention of proposing, he's going to use "broken trust" as a reason to string you along.
He's messy and mean financially.
You've been together 9 years, if things were going to improve they would have done. If you go back he'll make an effort for a month or two but then you'll be back to square one but with a promise of an engagement dangling in front of you, that's never going to happen.
Do yourself a favour and end things for good. You can do better, or you know what being single is better than being in a bad relationship.

AnSolas · 04/02/2025 10:41

Getting engaged means nothing unless it is attached to a wedding date.

You were living together and buying high value assets (house) and taking out a long term loan which would bankrupt you so "married" but without the legal protections that come after the wedding day.

What? after 9 years and meshed finances he is not willing to give you extra legal protections?

He is not a long term relationship material because he knows he will be at financial risk if he enters into a marraige contract and he is not in love enough to be willing to share his money with you.

You are the lower earner if you have children you are taking all the bigger financial hit to your earning capacity and his willingness to share his money is not going to change.

Missj25 · 04/02/2025 10:44

Hey OP 👋…
I don’t know , this is a tricky one …
What kind of a man is he ? , does he treat you well ? Do ye enjoy one another’s company ? ..
The messiness, finance , because you have mentioned, isn’t due to debt or anything like that , aren’t that big issues , as in things that can be sorted …
Getting married however, is very important to you , so I don’t know about that one …
I don’t like that he seems to have this attitude of
“ you have to prove yourself to me again “ !!
What about relationship counselling before any decisions of moving back in are made ?
Well i would actually be insistent on that ….
If he loves you & doesn’t want his future without you being in it , he should be more than happy to comply ..
Best of luck to you x

Swipe left for the next trending thread