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Original poster

Is this a red flag?

81 replies

Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 10:52

I broke up with DP of 9 years 3 months ago and moved back to my parents. Since then we have been trying to work on things and it has been a lot better. He has asked me to move back in in a few months time but so scared I'll go back to feeling the same way. We have talked a lot and agreed how to fix certain things that were causing issues like finances and him being very messy. This weekend I mentioned about if we are getting back together I'd like to be engaged in a year or so. His response was that I have broken some of his trust, it will take time to rebuild and he can't put a timeline on getting married. Is this a red flag? I'm worried that he is going to hold it against me that I moved out and that I'll almost have to prove myself to him or maybe it's reasonable? The fact we weren't engaged after 9 years was one of the things that drove me to leave as felt it wasn't going to happen.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 04/02/2025 18:20

So what has he done in a whopping 3 months apart to change? Therapy? Hired a cleaner? He'ss had to stop taking advantage of you financially because you moved out but is he willing to sign a legal agreement regarding how expenses are split in a fair manner and not leaving you in poverty,? I doubt it since he don't even marry you.

He's flat out telling you he's not going to marry you using "trust" as an excuse.

This is the same old same old and why you would consider going backwards to being his unmarried maid and paying dearly for the privilege I have no idea.

Original poster
Minnie910 · 05/02/2025 08:07

outerspacepotato · 04/02/2025 18:20

So what has he done in a whopping 3 months apart to change? Therapy? Hired a cleaner? He'ss had to stop taking advantage of you financially because you moved out but is he willing to sign a legal agreement regarding how expenses are split in a fair manner and not leaving you in poverty,? I doubt it since he don't even marry you.

He's flat out telling you he's not going to marry you using "trust" as an excuse.

This is the same old same old and why you would consider going backwards to being his unmarried maid and paying dearly for the privilege I have no idea.

Agree he really hasn't done anything concrete which I've realised when I've wrote it all out and now the switch has flipped and I've got to earn his approval again somehow

OP posts:
Missj25 · 05/02/2025 09:17

OP , you do not have to earn his approval. !!!!!!
He’s supposed to be showing you that he can be a good partner ..
I’m kinda rethinking that whole advice I gave about relationship counselling..
He said to you , he will go when you move back in , cause he can’t afford to at the moment , which actually reads to me , that he is saying , “ sure how can I go , you left me with all the bills to pay , if you move back in , I’ll go , I can afford it then “ … 🙄…
He just be feckin going ..

Aside from all that , you sound miserable & you moved out 3 months ago ..
If issues were being successfully worked on , you should be happy OP x

Missj25 · 05/02/2025 09:19

I meant , he should be just

teenmaw · 05/02/2025 10:29

Op never never never believe a word a man tells you....believe what they are SHOWING you.

And take my word for it counselling will be a waste of time and money because I guarantee he will turn it all on you and sit there making out he's perfect and you're the problem.

Give yourself 3 months on your own, build
your own life, think what your perfect life would look like and start living it. Consider again in 3 months. If it's meant to be and he's going to change, he can use that time to work on himself. If in 3 months you still see the same loser, I'm sure it'll be much easier to walk away. You are too manipulated and co-dependent right now to make a rational decision. TAKE A MASSIVE STEP BACK!

Original poster
Minnie910 · 05/02/2025 11:21

teenmaw · 05/02/2025 10:29

Op never never never believe a word a man tells you....believe what they are SHOWING you.

And take my word for it counselling will be a waste of time and money because I guarantee he will turn it all on you and sit there making out he's perfect and you're the problem.

Give yourself 3 months on your own, build
your own life, think what your perfect life would look like and start living it. Consider again in 3 months. If it's meant to be and he's going to change, he can use that time to work on himself. If in 3 months you still see the same loser, I'm sure it'll be much easier to walk away. You are too manipulated and co-dependent right now to make a rational decision. TAKE A MASSIVE STEP BACK!

Good advice as I can't see it clearly at the moment so definitely need to take a step back, thanks. I almost feel like I "have" to go back and really don't know why so need to figure that out and not make decisions for the wrong reason

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