Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a red flag?

81 replies

Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 10:52

I broke up with DP of 9 years 3 months ago and moved back to my parents. Since then we have been trying to work on things and it has been a lot better. He has asked me to move back in in a few months time but so scared I'll go back to feeling the same way. We have talked a lot and agreed how to fix certain things that were causing issues like finances and him being very messy. This weekend I mentioned about if we are getting back together I'd like to be engaged in a year or so. His response was that I have broken some of his trust, it will take time to rebuild and he can't put a timeline on getting married. Is this a red flag? I'm worried that he is going to hold it against me that I moved out and that I'll almost have to prove myself to him or maybe it's reasonable? The fact we weren't engaged after 9 years was one of the things that drove me to leave as felt it wasn't going to happen.

OP posts:
Trickedbyadoughnut · 04/02/2025 11:01

Missj25 · 04/02/2025 10:44

Hey OP 👋…
I don’t know , this is a tricky one …
What kind of a man is he ? , does he treat you well ? Do ye enjoy one another’s company ? ..
The messiness, finance , because you have mentioned, isn’t due to debt or anything like that , aren’t that big issues , as in things that can be sorted …
Getting married however, is very important to you , so I don’t know about that one …
I don’t like that he seems to have this attitude of
“ you have to prove yourself to me again “ !!
What about relationship counselling before any decisions of moving back in are made ?
Well i would actually be insistent on that ….
If he loves you & doesn’t want his future without you being in it , he should be more than happy to comply ..
Best of luck to you x

I very much think that the finance thing is an issue - he was at the least financially controlling, very likely financially abusive.

Then at the start of the breakup, he lovebombs and now he's manipulated her back into cleaning the house (one of the reasons why they broke up is he doesn't clean/tidy) and is emotionally manipulating her behaviour by holding out the carrot of being engaged when she reetablishes trust - which basically is his hold over her ...

Relationship counselling is NOT with an abusive partner.

Original poster
Minnie910 · 04/02/2025 11:01

@Missj25 Good points and I do enjoy his company but I have felt he should treate better for a while so I don't know. In terms of counselling I've suggested this but he said we could start relationship counselling when I move back in as he can't afford it right now with paying all the house bills so I'm not sure if that is him again using the moving out against me..

I have been reflecting on things overnight and I do have major doubts that he has changed and feeling very worried that I am just rushing back to something that could be even worse as he now resents me for moving out so I really don't know what to do at the moment 😔i do agree that if he really wanted me back he'd be trying to prove that but it seems like I've got to prove myself now. Feel like the rational part of me is trying to stop me moving back while the other part is ignoring red flags and wanting to rush back in x

OP posts:
olderbutwiser · 04/02/2025 11:05

“The fact we weren't engaged after 9 years was one of the things that drove me to leave as felt it wasn't going to happen”

“He said he does want to get married but doesn't want to commit to a time frame right now”

So if you do go back you’re accepting that engagement, let alone marriage, is not on the table for the foreseeable.

Only you can decide if this is OK with you.

Itiswhysofew · 04/02/2025 11:07

Why does he want to be with you, if he's not willing to change those things that have caused you to separate? It's obvious why you left, but he doesn't seem to get it.

Being together for 9 years and still being unble to, at least, be engaged would indicate that he's just not really into commitment.

Original poster
Minnie910 · 04/02/2025 11:10

@olderbutwiser I definitely want to get married for various reasons so it would be a deal breaker. He keeps telling me he wants to which then reads that he just doesn't want to marry me then.

@Itiswhysofew well yes exactly but I think I give him a good set up. Doing all the housework, helping with the dog and paying half the bills so perhaps that's why he wants me back rather than it actually being about me

OP posts:
Missj25 · 04/02/2025 11:21

OP , he shouldn’t resent you for moving out x
If you have worries that he hasn’t changed at all , stay put …
As far as the counselling is concerned, I’d be standing firm on that ..
Say to him , you’ve been doing some thinking , right now & for the immediate future , you’re not moving back in .. That you will attend counselling with him & take it from there , one step at a time , see how that goes , but at the moment, moving back in isn’t on the table .. That ye have to see how things go …
And OP remember you weren’t happy , that’s why you moved out ..
You don’t have anything to prove to him x
If he’s humming & hawing about it ..
Tell him , this is the way it is ..
If you’re not happy with that , well then leave me alone x

Epidote · 04/02/2025 11:27

I read it as he is telling you, he is not going to change and he want you to tidy after him.
Is your choice OP but I wouldn't go back.

Original poster
Minnie910 · 04/02/2025 14:27

Yeah thanks both I think I need to set some boundaries of I'm not going back unless I've seen XYZ have changed and definitely don't feel comfortable moving back currently x

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 04/02/2025 15:02

Minnie910 · 04/02/2025 14:27

Yeah thanks both I think I need to set some boundaries of I'm not going back unless I've seen XYZ have changed and definitely don't feel comfortable moving back currently x

He won’t change, he made some effort and has already given up. He might do the same again but ultimately you’ll be back here again having wasted more years of your life. End it now, and get on with your life.

TipsyJoker · 04/02/2025 15:11

gain his trust? So he’s punishing you for trying to change things your not happy with? That’s abusive. He’s also future faking you. Leave. This is at best a toxic relationship, at worst he’s abusive.

Iaminthefly · 04/02/2025 15:38

Nine years????

He doesn't want to marry you. He has no intention of marrying you. If he did you'd be married by now.

Please don't move back in. He will hold the promise of marriage over you and enjoy making you work to prove you're 'good enough' to marry

Fuck that noise. You are better than what this man is offering (or rather isn't offering) you

ForRealCat · 04/02/2025 15:42

I get it OP, I've been there. Its a sunk cost fallacy. You want to be married and settle down, you've spent 9 years on this man and you think that you can get settled with him quicker than having to go out, find someone new and starting again.

It's been 9 years, and he wont give you what he knows is so important to you. He knows he is going to struggle to find someone new who will help with the bills, clean up after him, help with the dog. He's got you right where he wants you, wanting to come back and willing to drop your one requirement of marriage because 'you've broken trust'. No he broke trust by stringing you along for 9 years when he has no interest or desire to get married.

You should be looking to marry someone who thinks that marrying you is a privilege and triumph, not a chore.

The hardest thing when I broke up with my ex- was everyone was so supportive when the break-up was happening. Once it was over they all went back to their lives, and I might see people 2 or 3 nights a week, but that left me for hours by myself and I was thinking a shit relationship and company was better than the loneliness. But I did meet someone else, someone better and the loneliness is gradually being eroded as we start to spend more time together.

IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 04/02/2025 15:55

@minnie910 you aren’t the poster with the ex-DP who made you pay more of the mortgage despite him being the higher earner are you? Roof repairs? Doesn’t do any housework or look after the dog?

I won’t link it but If it is you, please don’t go back. And please don’t marry him. That thread made me so sad for the poster, and I was genuinely so so happy for her when she left him.

Nationsss · 04/02/2025 16:06

What sort of background do you have to have been raised with absolutely zero self worth?

He's a selfish, mean, lazy prick, who doesn't want to marry you, but will dangle it like some prize because he thinks you are so desperate for him.

9 years you have wasted on this loser and you want to go back for more????

As for going to the house and skivvying for him?....no words.

What did your parents do to you for you to think this is all you deserve.

Would you actually inflict this lazy pig on a child too?

Sad thread. Really sad.

Original poster
Minnie910 · 04/02/2025 16:14

@IThoughtHeWasWithYou no i've not posted about the financial split before just about him doing nothing around the house and not wanting to get engaged. I think I vaguely remember the thread you are talking about and thinking their partner sounded similar with finances etc tho

@Nationsss well thanks maybe that is the harsh truth I need and I do know why my self worth is on the floor. Been trying to work on that but he seems to have some massive hold over me but you're right it is really really sad

OP posts:
FrogFairy · 04/02/2025 17:09

He will use you leaving him as a stick to beat you with forever more.

Also, if you want children please beware of wasting your fertile years waiting for him to be ready to get engaged, marry, be ready for kids. So many women get future faked into missing their chance of motherhood.

Nationsss · 04/02/2025 17:12

Great you know the reason.
Half the battle.
Get into therapy asap.
Find someone good.

You deserve so much better than that pig.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 04/02/2025 17:16

You've broken HIS trust?

What about all the ways he's broken YOUR trust over the nine years? He's trying to guilt you into not talking about marriage, in case he brings up his 'broken trust' again. His trust SHOULD be broken, his trust that you will just put up and shut up.

I'd tread very warily, OP.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 04/02/2025 17:34

You’ve broken his trust by not letting his foot dragging reach beyond a decade? As if! I’m sorry but I agree with a previous poster that if in 9 years knowing you wanted to get married, if he wanted to marry you then you’d already be married.
It’s a long relationship and the thought of “starting again” with someone new is scary, but you are also 9 years older and know better than to put up with excuses for not getting married for years.
I have a friend who was with someone for 8 years. Lived together, she wanted marriage and kids, he wouldn’t commit. They split up just before COVID and she has now announced an engagement to a man she has been with a few years. She knew what she wanted and she has found it with someone who wants the same things as her, not someone who dangles it like some kind of prize carrot with conditions attached.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/02/2025 17:42

Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 10:55

He said he does want to get married but doesn't want to commit to a time frame right now

Show quote history

You've already been waiting 9 years.

Time to throw this one back.

If he really wants to be in your life, he knows what's required from him.

Coconutter24 · 04/02/2025 17:43

Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 10:55

He said he does want to get married but doesn't want to commit to a time frame right now

Show quote history

That’s not a red flag. Your currently living apart after a split, how can you say you want to be married by a certain time when you don’t know how the relationship will go once your back living together? Do you just want to get married or do you want to marry him?

IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 04/02/2025 17:44

So glad that isn’t you, but also really sad you are in a similar situation. I can tell you this without even knowing you: you deserve SO much better.

I had a similar relationship that took years to leave. I had a tough 12 months after, but honestly I’ve never been happier. I didn’t even know I could be this happy. You deserve someone who truly loves you, and he shows by his actions that he doesn’t even care for you at all.

larklane17 · 04/02/2025 17:55

You are still cleaning up after him even though you aren't living there.
He hasn't even tried to sort that out but is happy for you to do it.

You need to have some respect for yourself or you will waste another nine years of your life. If not more. Stop kidding yourself that he will change.

HeyMuggie · 04/02/2025 17:56

Minnie910 · 03/02/2025 10:55

He said he does want to get married but doesn't want to commit to a time frame right now

Show quote history

God why bother with this wastrel.
Find someone to marry and have kids with

ginasevern · 04/02/2025 18:12

It's been nine years! How much longer does he need. He doesn't want to get married OP and do you really want a ring on your finger at any price? You're already unhappy about lots of things, why do you want to shackle yourself to him? It doesn't make any sense.

Swipe left for the next trending thread