How do threesums impact relationships?

[Thelifeofelle]

I’m a little nervous to start this but after reading other posts on here I’m going to be brave. I 34 married to my DH for 10 years and have 2 children. Our sex life has been slowing down and if I’m really honest, that is because of me. I just don’t feel sexy any more, my boobs are not what they were and I have jiggly bits now.
my DH suggested that we spice things up and maybe try an app to talk about our sexual desires. We did and the app was terrible, but he said he would like to have a three way and me not taking it seriously said the same. After we spoke about it and I brushed it off, I have started thinking about it and the idea of another woman has excited me more than I ever expected. To the point where I’m starting to look at other women and how I would even bring it up to them.
I wanted to see if anyone has gone further than just dreaming about it and how the relationship was after. My DH said he is happy to watch me and another woman, but if it was me I feel like I’d want the attention off everyone involved. And a big part of me gets turned on at the idea of watching him with another woman.

These are my thoughts too. Why get married and make those vows if you don’t mean them? It makes a mockery of the whole thing.

A) people can run their marriages however they see fit. I took vows but none of them said I would be monogamous, and it's nobody's business how our marriage functions. It's no less of a marriage because it's occasionally open to other people.
b) no of course our children don't know. It's none of their business either, and doesn't impact them in any way.

I don't watch porn. Genuinely. My libido is satisfied with the occasions I have sex, I feel no urge to indulge on my own. My kink for watching DH with other people arose totally organically. We tried it for a bit of fun and I was surprised with how much I enjoyed it. It's nothing whatsoever to do with the influence of porn.

Sexual exploration is best done from a place of confidence and security not as a treatment for a wobble.

This

I just think your husband is too keen on another women in bed so this isn’t going to fix your problem, he will likely keep requesting thrresomes and it’s going to do thing to spice anything up. You will end up very hurt. Be careful, this is playing with fire. My partner is one of the only things in life I wouldn’t share, It would destroy me.

As you're insecure about your body and your sex life isn't great, I think this carries significant risks for you.

Imagine how you'd feel if:
Your husband is obviously more turned on by the other woman than by you.
You think the other woman appears to be better in bed than you.
You compare your body unfavourably against the other woman's.
Your husband pays more attention to the other woman/largely ignores you.
Your sex life when it's just the two of you doesn't improve
You find you don't enjoy it, but your husband is keen to repeat the experience

Any of these things could be very destructive for your already fragile self esteem, and this has the potential to destroy your relationship. It's worth giving it some serious thought and being very honest with yourself.

I'm aware this dynamic works out amazingly for some people but from what you've said, if you were my friend OP, I'd be worried about you and would advise it stayed in the realm of fantasy.

Porn was not mainstream back in roman times

They obviously didn't have screens and Pornhub, but going by some of the frescoes in Pompeii, decorated crockery, depictions of Phallus and so on, plus some of the writing by poets like Catullus and others, I'm not sure that you can claim it wasn't mainstream, just on different media.

We are many years to our relationship and the sex element isn't a high priority anymore , and we've never thought about bringing in extra people , but why can't you spice up the relationship for just the two of you ?
You just need to get creative .
If your not , they go for things in the early days that you've seen on tv or books . Sex outside in unusual places , dress up and play out a fantasy , book a couple's massage & have fun when you get home etc .
Hopefully doing stuff like that can help you re connect in that way .

ItGhoul , well said 👏..
Way too much judging goes on with some people & the slating !!!
Some people use this forum as an excuse to vent & not give friendly advice ..
Everyone has a sexual side to them & as you said can’t help what turns you on ..
obviously lots of men would love to indulge in a 3 way with 2 women & are straight so mens cocks don’t interest them ..
I’m afraid that convo was yet another example of “ Men should be stoned to death “ 🙄….

Obviously sites like Fabswingers exist because other people do think about it and do things.

You need to be feeling confident and secure, about yourself. You need to work our what works for both of you. MMF, FFM, or swapping with a couple. You need to work out what is and isn't allowed. Do you want a regular partner(s) or just one-offs? What acts are okay and what not? Can you meet separately or only together? I went with one couple where they'd do almost everything, but he would only penetrate his wife. So you need to think about boundaries like that.

It can be easy for one of the three to feel left out if you're not careful. Some enjoy watching from the sidelines, but most prefer to be more involved.

Do STI tests before starting and repeat them regularly. Check partners also do. Use condoms. Consent is key. If not all 3 are happy, don't do it.

Find people you both fancy. Someone else being up for it doesn't mean you both are as well, something I've had to point out to more than one partner in the past. I had previously thought that was so obvious, I wouldn't need to mention it...

Read something like the Ethical Slut. There are obviously far more possible permutations than if you're going to be monogamous and what works for one couple may not work for another.

Keep talking. How you think you'll feel about things may not turn out to be how you actually feel in reality. You need to be able to say, "it turns out I'm not comfortable about this, please can we talk about it and adapt?" "Actually, I think I'd be okay if we tried that, how do you feel?" It needs to be an on-going discussion, not a one-off list of rules.

But you need a secure relationship and to be feeling secure in yourself to start with. It can't fix a broken relationship. It can work, but it doesn't work for everyone, and it takes a lot of work, especially emotional work - many people don't do this in an everyday monogamous relationship, even before letting others in, which will inevitably complicated it, because you've more people to deal with.

Ugh. Classic unicorn hunting.

You’re saying you believe it was considered normal for married couples to be open about having threesomes in the Victorian and Regency eras….? Really?

Have you ever read or seen any Jane Austen/ Brontë sisters novels represented on film or tv? I doubt very strongly that was the common experience of that time, or any except among the highly rich/ artistic/ celebrities of the day. Happy to be proved wrong.

@FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 03/02/2025 20:44

My personal opinion is that threesomes only work if non of the 3 are in a relationship. Can't imagine being happy watching the person I love being turned on by and fuck someone else. I think the idea is probably more of a turn on than the reality.

That's exactly right. It really should stay a fantasy for the vast majority of people, and it should be only singles who do 'swinging.' Although apparently there's a couple of people on here who claim they do it, and everything is apparently OK in their relationship.

I do doubt this though... I see plenty of programmes on TV about swingers and 'throuples' and 2 couples going with each other, and with every single occasion, with every one of the multiple dozens of couples I've seen, one person in a couple gets insecure and jealous and upset, that their partner appears to be enjoying it more with someone else. And at least half of the couples split up within a few months of their 'encounter' (that I know of.)

I've been with my husband over 30 years, (2 adult children,) and we have a fairly decent marriage, we are good friends, we've had our ups and downs and what have you, but we have some laughs and things in common. And we get on fine. And we've always had a really good sex life.. Not any occasion - ever - did he ever suggest us having a threesome, or suggest we go swinging. Neither did I. It never even entered my head, and I doubt it entered his ... Obviously I don't know for sure, but he never voiced it.

As previous posters have said, I would have been filing for divorce if he had suggested bringing another woman in to fuck, because that means obviously I'm not enough for him, I'm not good enough for him, and he can't love me enough ... Not if he wants to fuck another woman... So, it would be game over. I am sure a few women will come on here and say 'oh but it was MY idea to go swinging/shag other couples...' In that case, I don't think you can really truly love YOUR husband. Why would you want another man's cock, and for him to fuck another woman if you did?

Gross. 😖

Oh and there is nothing vanilla or boring about just having one sexual partner, as some people who do threesomes and swinging often say, it was just vanilla and boring for YOU!

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You’re saying you believe it was considered normal for married couples to be open about having threesomes in the Victorian and Regency eras….? Really?

Of course it wasn't openly accepted, but if you've ever seen any Victorian porn or read some of the erotica from then, it's clear it wasn't always unknown.

Marie Stopes interviewed couples who didn't get pregnant because they didn't realise that sharing a bed and sleeping together wasn't enough, if you were just literally sleeping together There was a lot of total naivety as well and lack of sexual education, as well as those with much more knowledge and power, often abusing their position in society. If you had the money and leisure time, there was more flexibility about marital fidelity in some places, but it also wouldn't have been written about and recorded by many.

Porn was not mainstream back in roman times
Take it you've never been to Pompeii?

"Doing as the Romans did" is generally not great 21st century relationship advice.

I'm very monogamous and not into swinging at all but I really don't understand people like you who have such compulsive need to slag people off just for having different lifestyle/preferences. And it's always accompanied by self-righteous attitude of -my way of life/doing things is superior while other's is "gross", "awful" or "disgusting ". Basically it goes way beyond disagreeing or admitting it's not for you.
This is just extremely smug and rude. I really doubt it's something you would be saying to someone's face.

Not everyone thinks like you. Not everyone feels "not good enough " because their partner wants to have sex with other people. You also don't have some authority on judging if other people's lives are OK. You have no iidea. It's like me saying I saw some unhappy people in decades old marriages on TV hence I know you must be miserable woman.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway

I don't think you can really truly love YOUR husband.

You really have no right or authority to claim that.

What bit makes it sound like a rocky relationship?

It's total normal to feel unsexy after having kids, and normal to fantasise about new things that might stimulate dead desire totally separate from the world of family (eg sex with a woman)

She brushed off the idea as a joke to start with and he respected that according to the OP

😂 me too

Plot twist

its a massive gamble; it can work it can go horribly wrong. it is also difficult finding another woman willing to join you, as bisexual woman it has been an ongoing wish for a long time but all you get is a load of men wanting basically a quick leg over.
you have to decide beforehand the rules, you say you like the idea of your husband with a woman but sometimes when it comes to it, him penetrating another woman can be more than you want. also in the heat of the moment things happen that in the cold light of day don't seem to be such a good idea.
think carefully but if you do decide good luck