Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend not ejaculating

129 replies

Annabell2025 · 31/01/2025 14:38

Hello, I am a new member here and very desperate to be honest. I have been with my boyfriend a year now. My boyfriend can NOT ejaculate during intercourse at all. We have been trying for a year and nothing. We are trying for a baby and having to use a cup/syringe method which is a desperate measure.

When he masturbates he can come. I have no idea what to do anymore. I told him to go to therapy, but it is doing nothing. I have never encountered a problem like this before, which would be so significant. He had only managed to come once, the second time we had sex.

Another issue is that for the first 6 months of our relationship he has not even tried to satisfy me once. never asked me if I had an orgasm, what I like, am I enjoying myself. I thought I'd give him time, to work on his 'problem' but after 6 months of being totally ignored in bed I was so frustrated sexually that I confronted him very directly. He had absolutely no answer, a blank stare, when I asked him about my pleasure. I was fuming internally.

He is a good guy but tbh I have totally lost any sexual interest in him. I had great lovers in the past and this sex is a disaster for me. I know this is not his fault but I do not know what to do anymore. I am totally resigned. He says he is not masturbating a lot. Did anyone had experiences like this with their partner?

OP posts:
dontcryformeargentina · 01/02/2025 09:30

Why on earth you are so desperate to get pregnant by a man who doesn't satisfy you? Is this your last resort?

Original poster
Annabell2025 · 01/02/2025 09:36

Guys, this is not a fake post. I have written here as I am desperate, I am clearly trying to find answers to help and fix the situation. He does want a child very much, and he can cum when he masturbates so it's not a physical problem. I have encouraged him to go to therapy, he had therapy with one lady and it was doing nothing, she was doing breathing exercises with him. S I suggested maybe go to a male therapist, they have the same body maybe they will be able to help. So far nothing also... I am coming to the conclusion that, as he was on his own for 10 years, it's a masturbation habit and he is responsible for screwing up his sex life as he's simply addicted to his hand. And no therapy is going t help for this. I know some people can't finish, but I am sorry it clearly is a problem if the guy can't cum inside a woman for a year no? I can cum in 3min with some stimulation.
And yes, I am the strong player here, I am the organized one and a planner, thinking abut everything, financially stable, educated etc. I would like to help him simply, as like I said he is a good man and in every other area of our relationship he is not selfish and we enjoy our time together. I did show him what I like in bed a little, and this has improved, well maybe 1%... but this time it is me who just lost any desire for him. The fact that I have to self inseminate is really getting to me, and to be honest I am feeling ashamed of this.

OP posts:
YankeeDad · 01/02/2025 10:10

@Annabell2025 Don’t be ashamed if you need to go to a sperm donor. That would be much better than having a child with a man who does not seem to care about your intimate pleasure. Plus, unless he is 10-15 years younger than you, you’ll get better quality sperm from a donor anyway, and especially if you are 40 that would be a good thing.

There is absolutely nothing shameful about wanting to have and care for a child, but not having met a suitable partner. You are not the first, and you won’t be the last.

User990 · 01/02/2025 10:15

Another thread where woman has such a low bar 😭Have you ever had an orgasm with him? Has he masturbated in front of you so you what he normally does? You say he has tried but what has he tried, been to one therapist? Are you prepared to have a sexually frustrated rest of your life for the sake of a child?

NotaCoolMum · 01/02/2025 10:17

I cannot stress this enough- DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN.

Mulledjuice · 01/02/2025 10:17

Annabell2025 · 31/01/2025 18:22

Thank you all for replies.. so we've been trying for 6 months for a child. The reason is rushed is that I'm 40 already. Don't have years to wait. Apart of sex life disasters he's a nice guy and caring and we get on very well. I know not every relationship is perfect and I am trying to find ways to make this better rather then dump him right away. I told him to go to therapy, I told him stop watching porn and wank, I said change diet, do some yoga to relax yourself. Nothing is working so I'm so fed up and frustrated. I'm trying to find ways to 'fix' him bit I've run out of ideas...

Stop trying to fix him. He's not going to change in sustainable way if you're nagging him into it, and even if he did all the wheels will come off if/when you add a newborn baby into the mix.

If you want a baby get a sperm donor and do it solo rather than trying yourself to someone who doesn't sound like he'll pull his weight as a parent if he's so unconcerned about your needs, you'll just end up resenting him.

SnoopysHoose · 01/02/2025 10:19

He's a weak man and selfish, he's done nothing to satisfy you.
Honestly you are desperate for a baby so are grasping at this waste of space.
He's not lovely or kind, he's made no effort, has no intention to and you think he'll be a good dad?
Jesus wept!

namechangeGOT · 01/02/2025 10:19

Annabell2025 · 01/02/2025 09:36

Guys, this is not a fake post. I have written here as I am desperate, I am clearly trying to find answers to help and fix the situation. He does want a child very much, and he can cum when he masturbates so it's not a physical problem. I have encouraged him to go to therapy, he had therapy with one lady and it was doing nothing, she was doing breathing exercises with him. S I suggested maybe go to a male therapist, they have the same body maybe they will be able to help. So far nothing also... I am coming to the conclusion that, as he was on his own for 10 years, it's a masturbation habit and he is responsible for screwing up his sex life as he's simply addicted to his hand. And no therapy is going t help for this. I know some people can't finish, but I am sorry it clearly is a problem if the guy can't cum inside a woman for a year no? I can cum in 3min with some stimulation.
And yes, I am the strong player here, I am the organized one and a planner, thinking abut everything, financially stable, educated etc. I would like to help him simply, as like I said he is a good man and in every other area of our relationship he is not selfish and we enjoy our time together. I did show him what I like in bed a little, and this has improved, well maybe 1%... but this time it is me who just lost any desire for him. The fact that I have to self inseminate is really getting to me, and to be honest I am feeling ashamed of this.

Well, there isn't anything to be ashamed of love in that regards.

But, is this the life you want? Do you want to spend the next 40 years of your life with a man who does not give a fuck whether you're having a good time in bed with him? Because that's what it is. Ignoring the fact that he is unable to cum except by wanking he doesn't care whether you are fulfilled. Not a bit. Is that how you want to live your life?

You're 40, the prime of your life and that's what you want?

You say you do the organising, the financial stuff, the one doing the planning. While he does what? Wanks into a pot?

What are you getting out of this? Really?

Mulledjuice · 01/02/2025 10:21

And yes, I am the strong player here, I am the organized one and a planner, thinking abut everything, financially stable, educated etc

And you will do everything for the baby and around the house just as you are managing everything relating to trying to conceive it and to "fix" your sex life. He will not become more proactive. Men don't. He will get more laid back because he knows you will do it all. You will be exhausted and resentful and furious and miserable.

If you want a child go solo and meet a phenomenal community of solo parents

category12 · 01/02/2025 10:23

Mulledjuice · 01/02/2025 10:21

And yes, I am the strong player here, I am the organized one and a planner, thinking abut everything, financially stable, educated etc

And you will do everything for the baby and around the house just as you are managing everything relating to trying to conceive it and to "fix" your sex life. He will not become more proactive. Men don't. He will get more laid back because he knows you will do it all. You will be exhausted and resentful and furious and miserable.

If you want a child go solo and meet a phenomenal community of solo parents

This.

Surely a sperm donor where the quality is assured and you won't end up managing the man is a better option?

MermaidEyes · 01/02/2025 10:26

This honestly reads like you've hit 40, suddenly thought I want a baby, and grabbed the first man you came across who ticks all the right boxes, apart from the most important one, which is getting you pregnant. On the one hand you say he's kind and caring and would make a great father, but you also put him down an awful lot (who describes the man they supposedly love as a 'weak' man?!) Seriously, baby or not, this relationship will not last.

Toddlerteaplease · 01/02/2025 10:40

Don't have a baby with him!

Original poster
Annabell2025 · 01/02/2025 10:42

Nom I have not suddenly decide I want to have a baby. I've been hoping for this for the last 5 years and unfortunately I've been very unlucky with relationships. I've been very proactive trying to go out on dates, not getting discouraged with failures but wasn't able to meet a committed person. This did put me into an upset state. I have organised my life already thinking about a child, work commitments, time off work for the child, financial needs, etc. And we are on the same page with wanting a child. He's 44.
I am sorry if this sounded harsh that I've called him weak but I am simply stating the facts. How can you call a man who isn't proactive, is scared and lazy about everything, has no savings although earns 40k, can't think of future and child's education, can't plan, can't organise anything and only follows what I say. It was me who told him try therapy, me organising holidays, me planning and thinking about everything. That's very imbalanced. I'm happy to do things, I'm proactive and like organising things, I'm not controlling but I simply take charge of my life. I did blow up a couple of times saying Frim tomorrow um on holidays and I'm lifting my finger, you'll be in charge of everything as honestly all of this left me so exhausted. I already feel like he's a child and in my eyes that's not a strong man. I don't really want to have a child on my own, always thought both parents would be better, more support etc.

OP posts:
thehorsesareallidiots · 01/02/2025 10:43

Woman, have some fucking pride. This is a selfish lazy loser and that you're even entertaining having a baby with him is clearly an act of madness and desperation. You will carry him your whole life, or at least until the resentment gets too much and you sack him off.

Doing it on your own would be way, way easier than this. Dump him and buy some sperm.

namechangeGOT · 01/02/2025 10:46

He's 44.
I am sorry if this sounded harsh that I've called him weak but I am simply stating the facts. How can you call a man who isn't proactive, is scared and lazy about everything, has no savings although earns 40k, can't think of future and child's education, can't plan, can't organise anything and only follows what I say. It was me who told him try therapy, me organising holidays, me planning and thinking about everything. That's very imbalanced

@Annabell2025

Would you really want this as a dad to your child? Is a man like this worth inflicting on a child? Is that fair to a child?

MermaidEyes · 01/02/2025 10:55

I am sorry if this sounded harsh that I've called him weak but I am simply stating the facts. How can you call a man who isn't proactive, is scared and lazy about everything, has no savings although earns 40k, can't think of future and child's education, can't plan, can't organise anything and only follows what I say.

And you still want to have a baby with him?!
As I said before, if you do get pregnant, then great, but be prepared to be a single mum within a few years, whether you're actually still in a relationship with him or not.

category12 · 01/02/2025 10:56

I did blow up a couple of times saying Frim tomorrow um on holidays and I'm lifting my finger, you'll be in charge of everything as honestly all of this left me so exhausted. I already feel like he's a child and in my eyes that's not a strong man.

So he has little to recommend him as a partner and actually makes your life harder. You don't respect him.

I don't really want to have a child on my own, always thought both parents would be better, more support etc.

Can you not see that the man you describe in your posts isn't going to support you or make life easier if you have a baby?! He's just going to drag you down.

Obviously having a man to have a baby with looks "better" - but in reality it'll be harder than doing it alone.

The chances of him suddenly stepping up in parenthood are tiny.

His sperm is probably second rate as well 😂

thehorsesareallidiots · 01/02/2025 10:56

Don't apologise for calling him weak. He is weak, and lazy, and selfish. If you must apologise, apologise to yourself for telling yourself the ridiculous lie that he's better than a sperm donor.

YankeeDad · 01/02/2025 11:20

Annabell2025 · 01/02/2025 10:42

Nom I have not suddenly decide I want to have a baby. I've been hoping for this for the last 5 years and unfortunately I've been very unlucky with relationships. I've been very proactive trying to go out on dates, not getting discouraged with failures but wasn't able to meet a committed person. This did put me into an upset state. I have organised my life already thinking about a child, work commitments, time off work for the child, financial needs, etc. And we are on the same page with wanting a child. He's 44.
I am sorry if this sounded harsh that I've called him weak but I am simply stating the facts. How can you call a man who isn't proactive, is scared and lazy about everything, has no savings although earns 40k, can't think of future and child's education, can't plan, can't organise anything and only follows what I say. It was me who told him try therapy, me organising holidays, me planning and thinking about everything. That's very imbalanced. I'm happy to do things, I'm proactive and like organising things, I'm not controlling but I simply take charge of my life. I did blow up a couple of times saying Frim tomorrow um on holidays and I'm lifting my finger, you'll be in charge of everything as honestly all of this left me so exhausted. I already feel like he's a child and in my eyes that's not a strong man. I don't really want to have a child on my own, always thought both parents would be better, more support etc.

But you would, in effect, be having a child on your own!

Your choices are, in effect,

  1. try to have and care for one child, with a sperm donor;
  2. try to have one child with this man-child, and accept that if successful, you will also have to care for a second child who is currently 44;
  3. stop trying to have any child

If you were my friend whom I knew well, I would be recommending option 1 or possibly option 3, but definitely not option 2!!

WellsAndThistles · 01/02/2025 11:21

Gay?
Medical Issue?
Porn addict?

SnoopysHoose · 01/02/2025 11:23

How can you call a man who isn't proactive, is scared and lazy about everything, has no savings although earns 40k, can't think of future and child's education, can't plan, can't organise anything and only follows what I say.
if this is what you think is a father, I pity any child brought into this disaster of a so called relationship.
Have some pride and walk away and use a sperm
donor.

GutsyShark · 01/02/2025 11:29

JustAskingThisQ · 31/01/2025 18:36

He's used to a death grip to ejaculate that can't be replicated by genitals or a mouth.

This isn’t a real thing. Just internet nonsense.

Mischance · 01/02/2025 11:31

I do not think you should be planning to bring a baby unto this very precarious relationship.

Original poster
Annabell2025 · 01/02/2025 11:42

So if you think like this please explain to me this problem. I know of 2 men who had a death grip problem. They've admitted this themselves.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 01/02/2025 11:44

You shouldn’t be trying for a baby with a man you hardly know. Especially when the sex is crap. Your relationship will never last the course and you shouldn’t bring a child into it.