Been married to my DH for 5 years and we have a near 4 year old together. Before we started dating, I clearly made him aware that I hated smoking. Dont like the smell of it, don't like it in general. Period. If we were ever going to have a relationship, I wanted to let it be known that smoking is an absolute NO for me and for my future family. He understood and took that on board. We got into a relationship and eventually married and had a kid.
Fast forward to December just before Christmas, we went out shopping and whilst he went to the toilet while we were having lunch, I took his phone to browse through the photos he uploaded on insta of me and the family from yesterday. My son had my phone as he was watching Paw Patrol on it. I opened my husband's insta feed and it was 80% just pictures and reels of half naked women with big boobs. I was appalled, hurt, and disgusted. It angered me as well because it gave me reasons to think as to why my husband was always 'jokingly' refusing to give me his phone whenever I asked for it on the premise that he would be looking at gifts for me or he didn't want me to message his friends on WhatsApp. It also made me start questioning why he spends nearly 30 minutes shitting in the bathroom while I stayed with the kid. He would lock the door and outright refuse to let anyone in while he shits and look through his phone but if its me who is wanting to take my time shitting, its a different story. He would let my son go in and disturb me even when Ive only been in the toilet for 5 minutes.
On the other hand, Ive always been an open book. I would happily give him my phone with no hesitation, let him browse on it as much as he would want when his phone is dead. Same with my laptop. I know insta uses an algorithm but I also know that men with insta who 'allegedly' aren't browsing through porn content still get it. We had a big argument about it and he denies looking through anything like that. I was skeptical but I let it slide because I didn't want to ruin the Christmas holidays.
Fast forward a month later, I was doing the laundry and found a Blu vape inside my husband's trouser pocket. He was out getting some groceries and I decided to call him and ask if it was his. He denied it at first but then admitted that he got it from when he went on a stag do over a year ago when he went to Manchester. I told him I wasn't angry, just very disappointed in him and then I ended the call. He came back home and admitted to me that he was lying. He actually got the vape two weeks ago when he went to see his mum at the hospital and that he was so stressed because she was nearing the end of her life and he needed a coping mechanism. He then admitted as well that he actually smoked some cigarettes during the stag do over a year ago and didn't tell me because he knew that I would get upset.
I was heartbroken but I didn't get angry at him because I knew he was going through a lot at that time but I also told him that using smoking/vaping as a coping mechanism wasn't going to help him or our relationship and that he broke my trust that I had built up with him from the past several years. He was very sorry and he said he wont do it again and we hugged and cried. However, my trust is now broken and I am now paranoid.
On holiday and he keeps telling me he wants to go out on his own in the evening or he wants to stay in the bedroom while me and our son are downstairs having breakfast. I put my foot down and said, 'No, I want you to come down and have breakfast with us. I feel uncomfortable when you are alone with your phone.' He was annoyed by that and I replied, 'I wasn't the one who broke the trust between us. Why are you making it sound like its my fault?' He didn't reply but reluctantly came down with us.
Guys, is this a big red flag?