DH on Nicotine and half naked women on Insta

[Poopyredpink]

Been married to my DH for 5 years and we have a near 4 year old together. Before we started dating, I clearly made him aware that I hated smoking. Dont like the smell of it, don't like it in general. Period. If we were ever going to have a relationship, I wanted to let it be known that smoking is an absolute NO for me and for my future family. He understood and took that on board. We got into a relationship and eventually married and had a kid.

Fast forward to December just before Christmas, we went out shopping and whilst he went to the toilet while we were having lunch, I took his phone to browse through the photos he uploaded on insta of me and the family from yesterday. My son had my phone as he was watching Paw Patrol on it. I opened my husband's insta feed and it was 80% just pictures and reels of half naked women with big boobs. I was appalled, hurt, and disgusted. It angered me as well because it gave me reasons to think as to why my husband was always 'jokingly' refusing to give me his phone whenever I asked for it on the premise that he would be looking at gifts for me or he didn't want me to message his friends on WhatsApp. It also made me start questioning why he spends nearly 30 minutes shitting in the bathroom while I stayed with the kid. He would lock the door and outright refuse to let anyone in while he shits and look through his phone but if its me who is wanting to take my time shitting, its a different story. He would let my son go in and disturb me even when Ive only been in the toilet for 5 minutes.

On the other hand, Ive always been an open book. I would happily give him my phone with no hesitation, let him browse on it as much as he would want when his phone is dead. Same with my laptop. I know insta uses an algorithm but I also know that men with insta who 'allegedly' aren't browsing through porn content still get it. We had a big argument about it and he denies looking through anything like that. I was skeptical but I let it slide because I didn't want to ruin the Christmas holidays.

Fast forward a month later, I was doing the laundry and found a Blu vape inside my husband's trouser pocket. He was out getting some groceries and I decided to call him and ask if it was his. He denied it at first but then admitted that he got it from when he went on a stag do over a year ago when he went to Manchester. I told him I wasn't angry, just very disappointed in him and then I ended the call. He came back home and admitted to me that he was lying. He actually got the vape two weeks ago when he went to see his mum at the hospital and that he was so stressed because she was nearing the end of her life and he needed a coping mechanism. He then admitted as well that he actually smoked some cigarettes during the stag do over a year ago and didn't tell me because he knew that I would get upset.

I was heartbroken but I didn't get angry at him because I knew he was going through a lot at that time but I also told him that using smoking/vaping as a coping mechanism wasn't going to help him or our relationship and that he broke my trust that I had built up with him from the past several years. He was very sorry and he said he wont do it again and we hugged and cried. However, my trust is now broken and I am now paranoid.

On holiday and he keeps telling me he wants to go out on his own in the evening or he wants to stay in the bedroom while me and our son are downstairs having breakfast. I put my foot down and said, 'No, I want you to come down and have breakfast with us. I feel uncomfortable when you are alone with your phone.' He was annoyed by that and I replied, 'I wasn't the one who broke the trust between us. Why are you making it sound like its my fault?' He didn't reply but reluctantly came down with us.

Guys, is this a big red flag?

Yes, I can see that she might not be happy about it. My point was whether a hot woman in tight top etc is porn… I suppose if it’s made to titliate and give a sexual thrill then it is, even if it’s just incredibly tame compared to what’s out there. But then, by that argument David Beckham is a pornstar based on his latest advert.

Yeah but that Beckham whatever is probably for the men too - I don't know many women who would buy something because of a half naked man on it, but I do know sex sells for men.

OP said half naked big boobs, so I am thinking boobs out.

I think your more of a red flag here. Its up to him if he wants to smoke and to say your heartbroken by is completely OTT. The girls on Instagtam - is he liking their posts, following them, messaging them etc? Me and my DP bith like a bit of our own space on holiday and having your own space is perfectly healthy in any relationship

It's all a bit high drama isn't it?

Crying and broken trust over vaping and Instagram?

He sounds henpecked I'm not surprised he needs a break

You are allowed to have whatever boundaries you want in your life. If smoking and half naked women on insta violate your boundaries (and it sounds like you made that clear before marriage) that's your prerogative. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

This

I think you are desperately trying to stop him being the person he is but the short leash approach won’t work and will only make everybody miserable.

I don’t think you’ll ever trust him again because this is who he is and secrecy is part of his DNA. It’s hard when someone has pretended to be something they are not in order to secure a relationship but what’s done is done. Moving forward you will need to decide if the real him, is someone you can live with.

All those posters calling the OP’s H henpecked are forgetting that he chose to misrepresent himself and double down once he knew he couldn’t keep the lie going. As for the porn Instagram, the OP is entitled to have standards and for all those that wouldn’t be offended by it, I personally would have a hard time respecting someone who did this. If porn is your bag, don’t enter into a relationship with someone who would you know would object to it, it ain’t rocket science.

But of course he did. Because he's trying to keep OP happy and he isn't brave enough to tell her the truth because of the ridiculous reactions. Hugging and crying over a vape? Come on.

Leave him be. He’s an adult. Too controlling by far.🙄

You told him smoking was a deal breaker. He isn’t smoking. He’s vaping and he’s not doing it around you or the kids. He’s an adult. He’s not breaking any law or setting a bad example.

The Instagram thing… sorry, but if my partner told me what I was/wasn’t allowed to have a wank to in private, I’d think he was being a controlling arsehole. Do you think he shouldn’t ever, in private, look at anything that turns him on? What about what he thinks about? Are you going to tell him he can’t think about anything sexy either? Is he allowed to masturbate at all?!

If you find the notion of him looking at attractive women on Instagram gross or consider it ‘porn’ (even though you can’t even show a nipple on Instagram) then you feel how you feel, but I don’t think it’s really your husband’s problem. Sure, you can have boundaries, but if those boundaries are completely out of step with your partner’s and infringe on your their freedom to such an extent then that’s unreasonable.

You just sound massively incompatible to me. You want a different kind of man and you want him to become that, but he isn’t going to. You can’t mould people to your requirements.

You were heartbroken because the bloke smoked a couple of fags on a stag do and then bought a vape. You need to get out more. I can tell you what real heartbreak feels like if you like.

I don't know many women who would buy something because of a half naked man on it

A lot more CK pants are bought by women for male partners than by gay men for themselves. Millions of women follow thirst-trap accounts of half-naked men on Instagram, subscribe to female-targeted audio porn services like Quinn and subscribe to the Patreon feeds of artists who create extremely explicit art of their favourite fictional characters naked and/or shagging.

It is very, very normal for women to enjoy looking at people they find sexually attractive. Do you think women watch Bridgerton for their costumes?

This whole idea that it’s only men who like looking at hot people in very little clothing or other sex-driven content is just nonsense. Sure, a gorgeous male body to look at might not be your thing, but it absolutely is something that it’s normal and common for women to appreciate, and the notion that we’re not meant to be interested in that kind of thing does us a huge disservice in terms of the way society views female sexuality.

You sound more like a teacher / mentor / some sort of controlling person than a loving partner and he sounds a bit like a naughty child not wanting to get found out.
Totally understand the stress of a dying parent and turning to fags / vapes for temporary relief. The Insta photos are more concerning.
If he's only agreeing to eat with you etc because you're forcing him, I would say there are red flags. Is he rebelling against you and your strict impositions?
I think you need a responsible adult for a partner, and he needs to become an adult not a naughty child.

I found out my husband had been smoking for over 10 years. He hid it well.
It was a deal breaker for me, but i had a 1 month old and I stayed with him.
I also found other things on his phone. It hurt, I wanted to leave.

But we've been together 14 years so i decided to give him a chance.
I have asked him to stop taking his phone to the bathroom, he obliged.
He also quit smoking, it's been 6 months.
Hasn't drank in 3 months.
I was paranoid too, trying to find gaps in his story. Because the whole image of him shattered, but if you don't let go of the paranoia, you cannot live freely or even begin to heal from the betrayal.

Since you've decided to give him a chance, talk to him and hear him out (when you're ready to listen). DH and I spent the last 6 months just talking about why he did the things he did.
I think it helped us out.
If it still doesn't work or he doesn't show willingness to change, then you might consider other options.

I don’t believe you can have “boobs out” on Insta. At worst the photos would be suggestive…

I've seen sheer tops with nipples - so boobs just with a pretence of a top.

Please tell me this is sarcasm. It’s not always easy to tell in print. Loving the “luxury poo” 😂🤣

But would she be happy with any kind of man? 🤷‍♀️

No, very clearly, I state I believe that there is no true ethical porn, regardless of how people try to dress it up. Almost always, it’s to the detriment of women. But it’s a multi £billion industry, the powers that be will never give a shit, because the money talks.

I feel YOU broke the trust by going through his phone. It's a vape, he probably didn't tell you because he knew you'd react like this. As for the content he's looking at on Instagram, it's not ideal but I wouldn't say it's a breach of trust, men like to fantasise, it's nothing too henious

Does he actually follow these accounts or are they just on his suggested?

Yes, and my husband might be posting on MechanicsNet or other male stereotype that would commonly look at pictures of attractive women.

My point is the algorithms aren’t perfect and lots of men like to look at ladies on instagram (which is why there are so many of those accounts) and sometimes content gets pushed that you’re not actually interested in - because other people like you would be.

OK, regarding what you're actually angry about - booby women,bathroom time and a few cigarettes - you're being ott.

I liked one gym guy video and now my feed is full of them btw. Doesn't take much.

But I wouldn't tolerate being treated like my free time didn't matter or that I was baby nanny and it wasn't his job to parent his own child.

He gets to have a walk, in private. He gets to smoke, just not around you. Those things are fair. It's called compromise.

Night out on holiday without you though? No. Not unless we're talking a half hour walk here or there or something to chill. You should get the same.

He's not a slave.
But neither are you. It's give and take. He should be able to watch his own damn kid whilst you shit. You both need to learn give and take. Therapy might be wise.

If you are interacting with people's sites and profiles they come up first. You posting on here means you are engaging the algorithms for babies because you interacted with it and have created an account. He isn't just stumbling across this much content without ever having gone to look and interacted in some way.

True. Maybe he has a boundary of not being stuck with a soul destroying nag?

Personally, I can't stand smoking and I'd never get into a relationship with a smoker (did it once and it was awful). However, the op has been married to this man and never even noticed that he smoked, until he's just confessed to it (which sounded like a one off, when he was away). So I don't see the problem there, it hasn't affected the op negatively in any rational way.

Lock the door when you go to the loo.

you don’t like Smell of cigs so he vapes. Isn’t this a solution.

a cheeky cig on a stag do when he doesn’t usually smoke is ok I think.

but if that’s your boundary fine, then you leave rather than force him to stop smoking.

the insta stuff is icky