DH on Nicotine and half naked women on Insta

[Poopyredpink]

Been married to my DH for 5 years and we have a near 4 year old together. Before we started dating, I clearly made him aware that I hated smoking. Dont like the smell of it, don't like it in general. Period. If we were ever going to have a relationship, I wanted to let it be known that smoking is an absolute NO for me and for my future family. He understood and took that on board. We got into a relationship and eventually married and had a kid.

Fast forward to December just before Christmas, we went out shopping and whilst he went to the toilet while we were having lunch, I took his phone to browse through the photos he uploaded on insta of me and the family from yesterday. My son had my phone as he was watching Paw Patrol on it. I opened my husband's insta feed and it was 80% just pictures and reels of half naked women with big boobs. I was appalled, hurt, and disgusted. It angered me as well because it gave me reasons to think as to why my husband was always 'jokingly' refusing to give me his phone whenever I asked for it on the premise that he would be looking at gifts for me or he didn't want me to message his friends on WhatsApp. It also made me start questioning why he spends nearly 30 minutes shitting in the bathroom while I stayed with the kid. He would lock the door and outright refuse to let anyone in while he shits and look through his phone but if its me who is wanting to take my time shitting, its a different story. He would let my son go in and disturb me even when Ive only been in the toilet for 5 minutes.

On the other hand, Ive always been an open book. I would happily give him my phone with no hesitation, let him browse on it as much as he would want when his phone is dead. Same with my laptop. I know insta uses an algorithm but I also know that men with insta who 'allegedly' aren't browsing through porn content still get it. We had a big argument about it and he denies looking through anything like that. I was skeptical but I let it slide because I didn't want to ruin the Christmas holidays.

Fast forward a month later, I was doing the laundry and found a Blu vape inside my husband's trouser pocket. He was out getting some groceries and I decided to call him and ask if it was his. He denied it at first but then admitted that he got it from when he went on a stag do over a year ago when he went to Manchester. I told him I wasn't angry, just very disappointed in him and then I ended the call. He came back home and admitted to me that he was lying. He actually got the vape two weeks ago when he went to see his mum at the hospital and that he was so stressed because she was nearing the end of her life and he needed a coping mechanism. He then admitted as well that he actually smoked some cigarettes during the stag do over a year ago and didn't tell me because he knew that I would get upset.

I was heartbroken but I didn't get angry at him because I knew he was going through a lot at that time but I also told him that using smoking/vaping as a coping mechanism wasn't going to help him or our relationship and that he broke my trust that I had built up with him from the past several years. He was very sorry and he said he wont do it again and we hugged and cried. However, my trust is now broken and I am now paranoid.

On holiday and he keeps telling me he wants to go out on his own in the evening or he wants to stay in the bedroom while me and our son are downstairs having breakfast. I put my foot down and said, 'No, I want you to come down and have breakfast with us. I feel uncomfortable when you are alone with your phone.' He was annoyed by that and I replied, 'I wasn't the one who broke the trust between us. Why are you making it sound like its my fault?' He didn't reply but reluctantly came down with us.

Guys, is this a big red flag?

LOL i thought this too.

If I'm honest, I would like your problems please OP.

However, if these things are a dealbreaker them they're a dealbreaker and you should split.

What you can't do is control his every move so he's meeting expectations.

Yep, great big red flag and you're waving it straight in his face. You are controlling and treating him like a child.

But OP would also like to be left in peace in the bathroom, but the wanker let’s their child in after five minutes? Your post is a bit one sided to be honest

To be honest you sound like you're being controlling. You have boundaries which is fine. Did this guy smoke when you met? If he did he shouldn't have had to give up for a relationship but he's had a stressful time and maybe needed some relief and smoking was probably seeming like a good idea at the time. I don't agree with him sending your kid to you when you go to the toilet. Seems you both need to take a look at your controlling behaviours and work on them to be honest. If this was a man posting here saying his wife can't smoke and do what she enjoys on her own time there would be a tirade of him being accused of abusing his wife

Has she actually made another account and posted a reworded version of this one?

My DH instagram for you feed is all women in skimpy clothes too. Mine is all babies, despite me having no children, with a concerning number of stillborn babies/accounts of parents with deceased children/small children with terminal illnesses. I have never once actively sought out any sort of sick child based content, I follow a couple of mumfluencers - but mostly because they’re a similar age to me and have fashion/home content I’m interested in, but somehow the algorithm sees I’m a woman of child bearing age and makes assumptions about what I want to see. I can imagine it’s making similar assumptions about my DH (and your DH) that as men of childbearing age they will want to see scantily clad attractive women prancing around.

I find this all so odd. The algorithm usually shows what you look at, at least from my experience. My DH's feed is cycling and golf. I suspect your DH feed is half-naked women because that is what he looks at. Gosh, the naivety on here

Did his mum die around 2 weeks ago and you're kicking off over a vape?

Maybe you're the red flag 🤔

'No, I want you to come down and have breakfast with us. I feel uncomfortable when you are alone with your phone.'

I'm genuinely intrigued by the fact that anyone could write this and not feel like a crazy person.

This poor man sounds like a prisoner. I’m horrified reading this, I honestly think you need to speak with your gp.

Smoking is gross but it's also an addiction that's very hard to kick. I know from experience! Haven't smoked for years but it was extremely hard to stop.

Have some sympathy. Jesus! He vaped because his mother is dying. He had some cigarettes on a stag do. It's not the end of the world.

I agree with you, there is a huge red flag here and it’s not him.

You speak to him like you own him.

Also why on earth do you want to go in the bathroom while is having a shit? So you can time him and hurry him along??

You are the red flag

I can see a red flag. But it isn't him waving it.

Give the bloke a break. His mum died recently, and he's coping with it by having a vape. Is it the best thing? Of course not. But cut the bloke some slack.

The Instagram thing - no, I don't see that as a problem. I've spent most of the last two days perving over pictures of David Beckham in his pants though so I'd be a hypocrite if I said otherwise.

You are absolutely allowed to have your boundaries. But he's also allowed to have his life as well. If thats a deal breaker for you, that's your choice and you can walk away. But breaking up a what I assume is an otherwise good relationship over that, to me, is an overreaction.

Telling him to come downstairs though because you don't feel comfortable with him on his phone alone though is plain ridiculous and controlling, especially if he is grieving. If someone said that to me, I'd be telling them where they could insert their breakfast.

So which is he?
Your boyfriend?
Your son?
Or your property that you control?

Sorry - just realised I jumped the gun assuming his mother had passed away, but point still stands!

So the smoking on a stag weekend, so what? Why are you crying together and then hugging about it, it's weird.

I used to smoke and don't anymore but there has been the very odd occasion where I've been out with smokers and I have smoked. Not the end of the world. As long as you and your child are not around it and it's not happening too often, then I can't see a problem. I do think it's a dirty habit and is a massive waste of money, but it sounds like it was just the once.

Vaping, not ideal, as massive waste of money and it's a stupid habit but it sounds like he was stressed (with good reason) at the time. No where near as stinky as smoking though.

Instagram porn so what? It's not proper porn. Unless there's some backstory where he's been spending a shit ton of money on only fans and his instagram feed is to do with that. Only thing I wouldn't like is if it was his main instagram account and he puts family stuff on there but everyone can see all his followers/following.

Locking himself in the toilet for 30 mins to escape parenting is not okay! Especially as he doesn't let you do the same. If he did, then fair enough.

Guarding his phone isn't cool. My husband and I both have access to each others phones and passcodes, though neither of us use them unless we need to, which isn't very often. So not sure on this... maybe he's like it because you freak out easily. Or it could be because he has something to hide. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The red flags are very much from you, op. Poor bloke can’t have a wank in peace and has “broken your trust” by having a sneaky vape at a time of massive stress. 🙄

Op, you sound like you are a controlling, interfering mother.

Agree with everyone else, stop being so suffocating. You do know that lots of people masturbate in private don’t you? If you want private time in the bathroom, you too could lock the door.

That’s a silly way to look at it. I agree with her and I’m not a sock puppet account! This site is so strange sometimes, I’ve seen very similar posts where everyone’s agreeing with op, especially in regards to men taking ages in the toilet and looking at women online!

Dear Ops husband

RUN.
Shes controlling and if you were a woman people would be screaming for her to seek outside support.

OP you need support. And to learn how to be in an equal grown up relationship. Your behaviour is appalling

Sounds more like he locks the door and she doesn't for some strange reason.

I guess I’m in the minority here. I find the behaviour on Instagram sleazy and a huge turn off. What boundaries did you have entering your relationship on porn?

WRT the vaping - I wouldn’t really like the hiding of it and be a little weirded out but it wouldn’t be as big a deal to me.