DH on Nicotine and half naked women on Insta

[Poopyredpink]

Been married to my DH for 5 years and we have a near 4 year old together. Before we started dating, I clearly made him aware that I hated smoking. Dont like the smell of it, don't like it in general. Period. If we were ever going to have a relationship, I wanted to let it be known that smoking is an absolute NO for me and for my future family. He understood and took that on board. We got into a relationship and eventually married and had a kid.

Fast forward to December just before Christmas, we went out shopping and whilst he went to the toilet while we were having lunch, I took his phone to browse through the photos he uploaded on insta of me and the family from yesterday. My son had my phone as he was watching Paw Patrol on it. I opened my husband's insta feed and it was 80% just pictures and reels of half naked women with big boobs. I was appalled, hurt, and disgusted. It angered me as well because it gave me reasons to think as to why my husband was always 'jokingly' refusing to give me his phone whenever I asked for it on the premise that he would be looking at gifts for me or he didn't want me to message his friends on WhatsApp. It also made me start questioning why he spends nearly 30 minutes shitting in the bathroom while I stayed with the kid. He would lock the door and outright refuse to let anyone in while he shits and look through his phone but if its me who is wanting to take my time shitting, its a different story. He would let my son go in and disturb me even when Ive only been in the toilet for 5 minutes.

On the other hand, Ive always been an open book. I would happily give him my phone with no hesitation, let him browse on it as much as he would want when his phone is dead. Same with my laptop. I know insta uses an algorithm but I also know that men with insta who 'allegedly' aren't browsing through porn content still get it. We had a big argument about it and he denies looking through anything like that. I was skeptical but I let it slide because I didn't want to ruin the Christmas holidays.

Fast forward a month later, I was doing the laundry and found a Blu vape inside my husband's trouser pocket. He was out getting some groceries and I decided to call him and ask if it was his. He denied it at first but then admitted that he got it from when he went on a stag do over a year ago when he went to Manchester. I told him I wasn't angry, just very disappointed in him and then I ended the call. He came back home and admitted to me that he was lying. He actually got the vape two weeks ago when he went to see his mum at the hospital and that he was so stressed because she was nearing the end of her life and he needed a coping mechanism. He then admitted as well that he actually smoked some cigarettes during the stag do over a year ago and didn't tell me because he knew that I would get upset.

I was heartbroken but I didn't get angry at him because I knew he was going through a lot at that time but I also told him that using smoking/vaping as a coping mechanism wasn't going to help him or our relationship and that he broke my trust that I had built up with him from the past several years. He was very sorry and he said he wont do it again and we hugged and cried. However, my trust is now broken and I am now paranoid.

On holiday and he keeps telling me he wants to go out on his own in the evening or he wants to stay in the bedroom while me and our son are downstairs having breakfast. I put my foot down and said, 'No, I want you to come down and have breakfast with us. I feel uncomfortable when you are alone with your phone.' He was annoyed by that and I replied, 'I wasn't the one who broke the trust between us. Why are you making it sound like its my fault?' He didn't reply but reluctantly came down with us.

Guys, is this a big red flag?

wow! There’s nothing wrong with him having some alone time! He’s a grown man, if you try and stop him you will drive a wedge between you with this controlling behaviour.
all men wank ffs 🤦‍♀️ 😂 sounds like your insecurities let him be.
as for the smoking it’s his choice a bit of vaping won’t be too harmful especially if he’s stressed. He needs to relax somehow. I hate smoking but it sounds like he needs some release and alone time to relax

To be fair, I think it’s very hard as a man for the instagram algorithm NOT to show you half naked women?

My Instagram 'for you' feed is mostly half naked women. I'm a woman, I'm straight, and I only follow, and have only ever searched for, accounts about a hobby I do - it's the only reason I'm on Instagram.
If he wanted to look at porn there are sites for that which wouldn't leave a trail for you to find, and it's entirely possible you're now refusing to let him be on his own because an algorithm thought he'd be interested in boobs.

Bathroom - are you not bothered about people coming in when you're shitting? If you are, assert your boundaries and lock the door. If you're not, understand that your husband is different to you. I need privacy, and I look at my phone while I'm in the bathroom - this doesn't mean I'm wanking. Bizarre to insinuate he's up to something shady just because he locks the door when he's having a shit.

Vaping - you acknowledge he was going through a lot. I don't think it's worth being "heartbroken" over, this is very dramatic. A few cigarettes on a stag do are also not a particularly big deal - it's not like he's regularly spending family money on them, and he hasn't done it since. If it's a dealbreaker, it's on you to decide how to react, but you can't punish or control him.

On holiday and he keeps telling me he wants to go out on his own in the evening or he wants to stay in the bedroom while me and our son are downstairs having breakfast. I put my foot down and said, 'No, I want you to come down and have breakfast with us. I feel uncomfortable when you are alone with your phone.' He was annoyed by that and I replied, 'I wasn't the one who broke the trust between us. Why are you making it sound like its my fault?' He didn't reply but reluctantly came down with us.

Guys, is this a big red flag?

At this point you've slipped from controlling to abusive. It's a huge red flag - from you. You've been paranoid and controlling, then told him it's his fault that you're behaving like this. This isn't okay.

Sort yourself out OP. You can't control him, you can only control how you react. If he's done things that are a dealbreaker you can choose to end the relationship, but you can't carry on acting like this.

I think people are being very harsh. OP was honest about her boundaries and her partner should have been honest with her.

Not all men will look at porn/images of women or need alone time to sort themselves out (the bar always seems so low for men) but lying about it is obviously going to break her trust and cause some insecurities.
Instagram does have an algorithm though and if he is only getting those types of videos/images then it means that’s what he is watching. I watched two videos about pythons yesterday, today, all I can see are videos on snakes with a few fashion and tattoo videos inbetween.

The smoking is hurtful again because of the lie and hiding it, he should have been honest but I think it’s easier to move past that one due to the circumstances and he knew you’d be upset.

OPs partner doesn’t sound very supportive regarding their child either, why is it up to OP to do all of the parenting? It sounds like OP doesn’t get much of a break which will lead to feelings of resentment.

I do think it’s odd that he doesn’t want to spend time together as a family, and go out alone on holiday but that’s because myself and my DH prefer each others company and that’s not a dynamic I’d be used to but for others it’s completely fine.

OP you can’t stop his behaviour or control it but you can have an honest and open conversation about how it has made you feel and discuss how he can rebuild the trust between you if you want to work on the relationship, you have to remind him know that these are dealbreakers for you and let him also choose how he wants to go forward.

Treating him like a child a will only make it worse and won’t actually address the issues.
I think it’s important for you take time to think about what you want from the relationship and if you are letting each others needs, maybe relationship therapy would be worth looking into so you can both speak openly to one another.

"On nicotine" It's not fucking crack 😂

You sound nuts.

Id be upset at the booby girly pics but then I can't lie I've googled pics of Tom Hardy and various other nice celebs so I'd be a hypocrite to moan about that. As long as he hasn't got a raging porno addiction its just par for the course unfortunately.

The only real issue I've gleaned from your post is that there's uneven distribution of childcare. Every time he takes a 30 minute shit, you inform him you're having some 30 minute "me time" too. He will soon stop taking the piss.

You know that there no such thing as ethical porn, it’s a complete myth. It perpetuates dangerous, misogynistic, sexist, and often violent views of women. Porn objectifies women. It’s not ethical because so many of the women, in the porn industry, have been coerced and forced to take part, or who are vulnerable and are being taken advantage of. If a partner is using porn, secretly or otherwise, this is a massive red flag.

You know that there is no such thing as ethical porn, right? That’s a myth in itself.

You have to be able to make your own boundaries. Often women post on here because they know their boundaries have been crossed but can't quite vocalise what it is they are upset by. You seem to be fully aware, so it is really up to you what you do about it. You are not in a minority of women who don't like porn, as a pp said none of it is ethical. Men can't seem to control themselves from looking at it and the worry is that all men are now seeing women as objects rather than people - not what you want from anyone you are trusting to teach your kids how to be a decent adult.

You have to decide if you want to talk to him about it, suggest therapy perhaps to get deeper into why he has so little self restraint and why he has started up a bad habit again. Don't take on the blame for the reasons he is doing this - it is his own choice, just as it is yours if you stay or go.

Oh no, he probably looks at it and I have no issue with it - but I can also believe he doesn’t go out of his way to find it, it’s foisted upon him. (I also don’t care if he does look for it btw).

But see also babies.. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT BABY CONTENT. I don’t watch or engage with it, but I see so much baby content. I’ve absorbed what baby products are best, how to wind your child, how to wean them, where to buy their clothes, how to breastfeed. I don’t have and likely never will have a baby, I don’t look for this or spend any length of time looking at it - but it’s about 80% of when I scroll through my timeline. I’m speaking more from my own experience that DH’s, but I have definitely been profiled based on age and gender and the life stages of my peers.

Sorry but that is totally incorrect about the Instagram algorithm! Most of the half naked women posts are sponsored posts - meaning the uploader has paid for those to be shown to more people. When you pay for a post it asks you what demographic you want to be shown these posts. Male or female then age categories. I tested it out myself straight white female who doesn't see pictures of half naked skinny women on her feed. I created a new account set myself as my current age but male with exactly the same interests as my real account followed exactly the same people as my real account, but all I'm getting shown is half naked women, in fact half the time I'm not even shown anything on that account from people that I actually follow just these sponsored posts!

These would be deal-breakers for me. I don't think it's controlling to want your husband not to look at other women, not to use nicotine, and to be an involved parent.

To me these are basic things.

OP the thing is, if he won't change, you have to break up.

He is an involved parent he just locks the door when he goes for a shit! It's not his fault if the OP doesn't!
Is it not weird that the OP wants to be in the bathroom with him while he shits because she doesn't like him being alone?

So many red flags here I don’t really know what to say. He’s broken your trust repeatedly!!! You’ve been very clear… he sounds like he has no respect for you.
the luxury poo is enough to kick him out imo. He has zero respect for you or your child.

You are posting on MUMSNET...which also has algorithms...

"I told him I wasn't angry, just very disappointed in him"

He is not a child and you are not his mum. You are overly controlling. Give the poor man some peace

The activities you've mentioned don't have a clear morality. What does have a clear morality is him lying to you about this stuff when called on it; that is concerning. A healthy relationship would be him saying, "I use vapes and I watch porn", and you and he negotiating the boundaries of those activities (ie, porn fine if alone at home, vaping fine away from the children, etc)

Your reaction to the lying is completely understandable, but since he's doubling down and lying more to cover himself because your boundaries are so firm, now you don't know what he's covering. Of course you're now anxious.

You have 2 choices. Review what exactly about porn and vapes bother you and have a good conversation about it, then find ways in which you can tolerate these things. If you truly can't tolerate them at all, and he isn't planning on quitting, then I'm sorry, this is a mismatched pairing and you need to split up.

Bloody hell OP you sound like a complete nightmare give the man a break so he looks at boobs and vapes occasionally, I take it you are utterly perfect?

Your the red flap OP

Is a scantily clad photo of women on instagram even porn?! If so, it’s the softest of the soft porn.

Is it? Some people and exhibitionists and do genuinely get kicks from having sex in camera… and if the purveyor of that porn can demonstrate that this is the case and isn’t abusive, that’s ethical porn in my view, even if porn is inherently unhealthy and damaging.

Besides, an insta model wearing a bikini is hardly porn in the usual sense of the word.

Some guys won't even think about dating a woman size 12 or over, so each to their own, right? I am willing to guess he wouldn't be happy with you following men showing off their muscles in posing pouches either.

OP you've attracted the incel bunch unfortunately. Don't take any of it personally - most women don't like their partners lying to them, doing bad habits and looking at other women.

I will say that a grown man being on instagram in the first place is a turn off for me.

Yes, ultimately there is no ethical porn. Of course there are adults who make an informed decision to become adult actors, and there are people who genuinely enjoy expressing themselves in such a way, but for the many, many other women in the industry it’s not such a clear cut choice. Also, almost all pornography serves to the detriment of women because, almost always, women are portrayed as objects, serving men’s fantasies in frequently violent and degrading ways. It’s so harmful to women in ways that I don’t think most men can comprehend.

You seem to be suggesting that there is ethical porn, just that it’s very rare… If so, I agree.