AIBU to think that most relationships will end with an OVERLAP with a new relationship.

[morningpaper]

I don't get this thing on MN whereby married people are expected to end marriages before embarking on other relationships.

This idea of people (except you always mean 'woman' ) being "slappers" if they enter relationships with married people makes me think lots of you have very little understanding of how relationships work.

• To be blunt, I would be FAR more upset if DH left me for a lonely life as a single person in a bedsit than for a new relationship. I think the former is FAR more insulting. I have a close friend whose husband did this and it was MORTIFYING every time people said "Oh darlng, was there someone else?" and she had to say "No" (unspoken message: 'I am just too horrific to live with').

• People need support when they end relationships - and that support often comes from a new relationship.

• If people ended every marriage at the first sniff of new romance, or at the first feelings of dissatisfaction, then none of our relationships would last more than a year or two! It is often a new relationship that gives people the impetus to re-evaluate their lives.

• Most relationships become very "stale" after a certain amount of time - society tells us we must WORK at our relationships after the desire has gone, but WHY? Why not just accept that our partners or ourselves might be MORE happy in a new relationships - we have changed and grown, after all.

I have several friends in relationships with married people - and I expect a lot of you do, too, but they probably don't tell you because you are so HORRIFIED at the idea. Such relationships generally end in a lot of DESPAIR but they are part of life.

When you talk about "ending relationships before starting new ones" it sounds to me just like people who talk about not having sex before marriage - a great ideal (perhaps), but not realistic for 99% of people.

'we are the only ones for each we have acheived the ideal perfect love'

Oh I wouldnt ever say that I am far too much of a realist

UQD: well, for most of history, for most women, marriage is/was a job. Women weren't able to support themselves financially, they had to get a man to marry them and devote themselves to ensuring he stayed with them, otherwise the only alternatives were hooking or a convent.
Unfortunately it was a job with lousy employee rights and pisspoor wages...

Oh, and as for monogamy being 'natural' well it is in some animal species, or appears to be: but plenty of other animal species (most of the higher primates BTW such as chimps and bonobos) are not monogamous nor even particularly heterosexual. And any behaviour pattern which has to be continually reinforced with propaganda and threats is not natural at all.

Madamz "Istill don't get the idea that a promise you make at, say, 21, shoulr bind you for life"

Which is why I didnt get married until I was in my 30s still thats a bloody long time to be with someone if you live into your 90s isnt is.

I have to say "honesty" is more my issue here than "fidelity" the act of being unfaithful wouldnt end my marriage the deceipt without certain would. I cant see I will ever love anyone enough to let them treat me like I am stupid - I am afraid it would be "you want fajo elsewhere honey then off you go and be free" I just hate hate hate people who say one thing and do another

I am not referring to 'affairs' though Lapin. I am referring to relationships where one overlaps the previous relationship. Otherwise, my current marriage would have to be classed as an affair. (Hmm and my first marriage if we are being technical...) But they were relationships that overlapped with previous relationships.

Oh I agree, madamez, but I just don't think that it is "continually reinforced with propaganda and threats", in general.

And isn't it interesting that most people still choose monogamy in an age when they are no longer compelled/expected to in the way that you describe above?...

MP they began as affairs you can make it as Mills & Boon as you want in your head but they were affairs that became relationships.

Maybe the vast majority of people you know have overlapped (what a horrible word just call it was it is if you are not ashamed of it).....but in fact I don't know any (most of my friends had the decency to end one relationship without starting another)....maybe we mix with people who have the same standards that we do - cos TBH I don't think i would like many of the women on this thread as my friends !

they were affairs but that doesn't invalidate the relationship

UQD I think it is quite hard NOT to chose monogamy in the current economic climate, TBH

morningpaper - not sure I get that. Implies people get married expecting to be "supported" rather than working?!

At I agree with WW - the affair I could have forgiven it was the lies and deceit that followed....bith from H and OW (now why if she just want an "overlap" did she bother to lie as well )!

Cannot believe you think that "overlapped" is a "horrible word" but think it's perfectly ok to call other women slappers and whores.

LOL I hope youre not including me in that macdoodle

I have to say I dont understand this whole overlapping cutesy wrapping up of infidelity and I really dont think they are my kind of folks either...but its always interesting to hear how people justify behavour to themselves.

You get upset about slappers and whores but think its ok to shag someone elses husband?

No UQD just that if everyone had their own house then they would have a lot more freedom to choose what they did with their relationships - but as it is, ending relationships usually means losing out a great deal in terms of property and economic security (for both partners)

Ah, I get you. You mean choose to keep monogamy, i.e. stay married. I meant choosing it in the first place, which is what people still seem to be doing - I think, regardless of economic considerations.

So the decision is monetary? Surely money + sex = whore?

I haven't said "I think it's ok to shag someone else's husband" - or, indeed, wife

(And the constant returning to "shagging the husband" makes me think this is really about individual's own fears about their own relationships, which is fine of course, but I think this should be acknowledged)

I've said that in the real world, "Such relationships generally end in a lot of DESPAIR but they are part of life. When you talk about "ending relationships before starting new ones" it sounds to me just like people who talk about not having sex before marriage - a great ideal (perhaps), but not realistic for 99% of people."

Resorting (again) to name-calling isn't actually a persuasive debating tactic.

My BIL recently had an affair and left his wife. He was the most anti-affair, judgemental of those that cheated, committed family, deveoted to his wife, in love, sort of man you could ever hope to meet.

And then suddenly he wasn't any more.
His DW didn't see it coming and neither did he.

Those of you who want your Dh's to tell you you are the only ones ever for them, can be told it as much as you like it doesn't make it any more/less likely to be true.

Divorve rates are high and many of these are down to affairs. To belive that you, and your love, could be immune to that becuase of your devotion and high moral standards is just folly.

Whether you call it affairs or overlaps is immaterial. It's not the right thing to do, ever. But still many people do it.

Why? To say becuse they are bad people, and I, my Dh, and everyone I know are good peopel so we are OK, is just deluding youreslf.

It happens alot because of somethomg in human nature and something within monogamy and our beliefs about love that make us susceptble to it.

I don't say it's right. The heart ache it causes demonstates quite clearly that it is wrong. But I thnk some of you are so over simplistic about it that you are really kidding yourselves.

Only those Bad People would do this.

Nope, you, your Dh, your neighbour, your boss, your mum, your friendly local vicar could all do this. I'm sure they think they won't, but look at the stats people, stop kidding yourselves.