AIBU to think that most relationships will end with an OVERLAP with a new relationship.

[morningpaper]

I don't get this thing on MN whereby married people are expected to end marriages before embarking on other relationships.

This idea of people (except you always mean 'woman' ) being "slappers" if they enter relationships with married people makes me think lots of you have very little understanding of how relationships work.

• To be blunt, I would be FAR more upset if DH left me for a lonely life as a single person in a bedsit than for a new relationship. I think the former is FAR more insulting. I have a close friend whose husband did this and it was MORTIFYING every time people said "Oh darlng, was there someone else?" and she had to say "No" (unspoken message: 'I am just too horrific to live with').

• People need support when they end relationships - and that support often comes from a new relationship.

• If people ended every marriage at the first sniff of new romance, or at the first feelings of dissatisfaction, then none of our relationships would last more than a year or two! It is often a new relationship that gives people the impetus to re-evaluate their lives.

• Most relationships become very "stale" after a certain amount of time - society tells us we must WORK at our relationships after the desire has gone, but WHY? Why not just accept that our partners or ourselves might be MORE happy in a new relationships - we have changed and grown, after all.

I have several friends in relationships with married people - and I expect a lot of you do, too, but they probably don't tell you because you are so HORRIFIED at the idea. Such relationships generally end in a lot of DESPAIR but they are part of life.

When you talk about "ending relationships before starting new ones" it sounds to me just like people who talk about not having sex before marriage - a great ideal (perhaps), but not realistic for 99% of people.

I don't think it is out of line...most relationships involve kids to some degree. Most people have children. Relationship issues often involved child issues.

no, MP, I cannot imagine falling in love with someone else whilst married to DH. in lust , sure, not love.

i find it really quite insulting that you are unable to believe that women truly believe this

talking about charming little relationships and liking cock totally belies the horrendous devastation that affairs/ overlaps/ shags in the stationery cupboards do to marriages.

i thoroughly agree with dittany, soapbox, WWW and lapin on this one

and do not like the slightly patronising attitude of the :lets be more understanding about affairs and not be judgemental about the unfaithful: camp

like we are just plain silly and naive to feel outraged and disgusted by infidelity and would strive for a long lasting marriage not marred by looking for other relationships

i do not buy into affairs just happening

you have to take off your clothes ( mostly!!) and make a concious decision to sleep with osmeone else and lie and be duplicitous

that is the real kicker. the lying

There were definitely people who were nicer to me than my husband, gave me more attention, found me more interesting, yes. One time, a mutual friend gave me an opportunity to 'acidentally' phsically touch him, iykwim. And there was a moment of decision. Do I or don't I? And I didn't. He was nice looking, very genuine, and was nicer to me than dh at that time, but for how long?! I wanted my family more than a quick ego boost because my self-esteem was tied up with making my family happy. A quick 'I fancy you' snog /shag when hubby wasn't looking wasn't worth what my family were going to think of me when they found out. No no no.

My relationship with dh overlaps the end of his previous marriage but was not the cause of its breakdwon. People can choose to believe that or not but the two of us know the complicated way it began - and that is the truth of it.

They had already started seeing a marriage counsellor before we got together but that wasn't helping, as she only saw the counsellor in terms of "how can they stay together" and not "what was the best for both of them".

We actually met when he was still happily married and our initial relationship was based on simple friendship due to the fact that we were both on the same wavelelgth - although we were both aware that it could develop further if we wished it to. Iven met and was friendly with hsi wife.

That was c.16 years ago - and as of next Friday we will have been married for 10 years

Fortunately there was no kids involved - although his ex-wife did re-marry within a few years and had a baby shortly afterwards.

And I should add that I have no concerns about dh "wandering". We have been through tough times over the years, when at times it would have been easier to separate, but becasue we love each other, we don't want to and instead work at our marriage.

Prettybird. Are you still friends with his wife?

How did she take the break-up?

It is very disrespectful to start a relationship with someone so soon after they have left a relationship. It is disprespectful and mean spirited towards their previous partner. See my earlier post about self control and apes etc.

Actually after we started the relationship, I never actually saw her. Not difficult, as in fact at the time, I was living over 200 miles away.

Dh and she had formally split although they were still living in the same house by the time we started a physical relationship. He was looking for somewhere to stay and in fact later on stayed at my parents for a while "house sitting" while they were abroad.

I am not criticising her for only wanting to get the marriage counsellor to get them stay together, but relating what my (now) dh told me. My understanding of (good) marriage counselling is that you are supposed to go in with an open mind, to listen to both sides' concerns and to try to work out away forward that both parties are happy with. You might want the end result to be that you both stay together - but you cannot assume that. The result of counselling could be that you agree that it is indeed best for you both to split up -and to work out how to do so with least damage to both of you. I have actually been to marriage counselling myself with dh and that was how we approached it.

Ironically, in the early days of our relationship, some of our biggest arguments were becasue I was taking her side in understanding how upset she was and where she was coming from.

I could understand your comment AnneMayesR if there had been children involved. In our case, there weren't. And are you seriously suggesting that dh should have stayed celibate until his then wife had finished her grieving. What would have hppened if she had never accepted that the marriage was over?

i'd rather dh left me because we just didn't get on or whatever. that would be alot easier to deal with than being "dumped" for another woman. i'd wish him well in that situation, but he left me for another woman....no chance.

Lol dittany at "fuck off you prick you're married", quite agree.

I also agree that is IS NOT ON to 'fall in love' with someone else when you're married/committed. And MP, I really don't think you would think it's on if it happened to you, would you? In fact in a Brief Encounter type way I'd find emotional unfaithfulness far worse than something that was merely sexual. Not that I'd like either.

I do think this thread is as bad as the slapper thread in some ways because what some people seem to be arguing for is selfish and deceitful behaviour. If you don;t want to be faithful, that's FINE, just don't get MARRIED. Not hard is it? Or if you're unhappily married, LEAVE. Then you can shag whoever you want.

ICHTA, but why did you leave your friends on the site, you didn't have to, you just needed to not talk to the man. And there we go, the reason you did it was out of feelings of unhappiness and so on, not because it was a romantic and fun thing to do.

Hmm I think this is just going round the same ground now i.e. we are back to blaming women

I stand by my OP (although the last point was largely polemic ) and this constant name-calling of people involved in affairs is still something I find very sad - and says more about the name-callers than anything that happens in real relationships.

All behaviours say more about the performer than the audience though, MP

MP - even though I don't necessarily agree with everything in your OP, I can understadnthe point you are making - maybe becasue I have been there.

It's also why I chose to post under my "real" name, as opposed to namechanging.

I don't blame women, I blame anyone who has made a commitment to another person and then proceeds to break that commitment by sleeping with someone else without telling them. And knowing that they would be very unhappy about it.

mp you do seem to be quite nostalgic or something recently

or more open about stuff

have you noticed

MP are you missing romance in your life or something?

You don't have to answer that of course.

but I think this notion of affairs as being romantic and fun and stuff is erm, well, wrong, really.

quite, WWW

have not insulted anyone or called anyone a slapper, as i said it is seems to be sneered at and something to be pitied or disbelieved , that you might actyakky be faithful!

mp..i have only read your op, and i can see what you're saying. yes of course people grow apart for all sorts of reasons but starting an affair while married is never really a good idea..imo.

Actually dittany - I wasn't "after" her dh. Despite our awareness of a potential attraction, we both warned each other off and didn't act on it - in my case becasue I knew he was married and in his case 'cos he was still trying to save the marriage. It was months later before anything actually happened between us.