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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal?

34 replies

JodieG1 · 06/05/2008 21:26

Ds2 is ill, had a temp of 105 last night so he's been bf lots and waking lots. I co-sleep with him all night so am up with him, that's fine I'm ok with that.

So this evening me and dh are taking it in turns to go up and settle him when he wakes, bearing in mind he's still ill and getting 4 molars.

He's been waking every 45 mins or so. So he just wakes up again and dh is due to go up. He starts moaning about how it's counter productive going up to be with him as he falls asleep (because he cba I think), and I say yes, but he's ill right now. He clearly thinks we should leave him distressed and alone.

So after a few more sentances of him complaining he gets up and kicks the baby walker (like a hold on and walk with thing) right over the room. I ask him if he has to be so violent and he tells me to fuck off.

I didn't say it in a nasty way at all.

This is his usual behaviour tbh and I'm wondering if this is ok/normal.

I'm often sworn at etc. Never apologises. It is stressful but this is not a one off. I was up every 30 mins with the baby last night so am knackered now but still taking it in turns with him. Don't know what to think anymore.

OP posts:
JaneHH · 06/05/2008 21:41

Hi Jodie - I'm afraid I don't have any experience of the combination DH+children but hopefully there'll be lots of others with some good advice along soon. However... while I don't know any more than what you've just said, and without wanting to justify DH's behaviour, can it be pure exhaustion on his part? You both sound absolutely shattered from what you say. When I'm exhausted I get all grumpy too and DH has to take the flak

Sorry not to be able to give any more advice, but didn't want your post to go unanswered. Hang on in there and I hope you both (all) get some sleep very soon.

Original poster
JodieG1 · 06/05/2008 22:01

He gets plenty of sleep, he sleeps in our room while I'm with ds2 in the spare room. He often stay up until 1am playing his pc games while I go to bed.

After this he comes down and blames it all on me still bf ds2, it's all my fault he doesn't sleep and fuck me again. I just don't think I can do this anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
JodieG1 · 06/05/2008 22:04

And now I get to deal with ds2 again because dh has gone into the study and turned the pc up loud whilst playing games.

I never get any peace or time to myself. I'm not even sure I love him anymore this has been going on for so long.

OP posts:
fletchaaarr · 06/05/2008 22:08

I don't know if it is normal, but it isn't normal for me iyswim.

sounds like you are doing the lions share. It isn't to do with you bf your DS, and to be honest he sounds like a bit of a cock

fletchaaarr · 06/05/2008 22:11

You don't sound happy with the situation, and I think you know that this behaviour is not on from him.

tbh me and DH have a very calm and non-sweary/ non-argumentative relationship, and some people find that wierd, so I can't tell you what is normal, but I wouldn't want to be treated like that

Original poster
JodieG1 · 06/05/2008 22:11

Thanks for your reply. I've been with him since I was 19, so 10 years now and have no real idea about what goes on other than this relationship.

How do you know when enough is enough?

OP posts:
Irisheyes78 · 06/05/2008 22:12

Has your child seen a doctor?

A temp that high is very serious indeed.

andiem · 06/05/2008 22:13

jodie my dh has never sworn at me and I would not tolerate this sort of behaviour he is bullying you

Original poster
JodieG1 · 06/05/2008 22:15

Ds2 is fine, all mine seem to be children that get high temps, we've seen the dr before about it and have been told it is just the body fighting to kill the virus. Calpol brought it down. He had no rash or anyything else other than a cough we've all had so I wasn't worried.

I have 3 dc's so have been there, in regards to illnesses, many times.

OP posts:
Original poster
JodieG1 · 06/05/2008 22:16

Andiem I feel I have just let things slip for so long that this is now normal, that's the sad part as I don't like it and really want to be treated better.

I've spoken to him on numerous occasions but nothing changes. I think if I'm honest with myself I would have left a long time ago if we didn't have dcs.

OP posts:
ginnedup · 06/05/2008 22:19

Only you can say if its normal or not, and from the sounds of it you the issue is that you are not happy with his behaviour so you should probably have a word with him about it.
My dp and I often swear at each other when mildly pissed off with each other and its like water off a ducks back, however if say my stepdad spoke to my Mum like that she'd be crushed.
I think the issue here is that you are not getting enough sleep and doing the lions share of the caring for your ds and he is still having plenty of sleep and getting time to himself to boot. Its no wonder you are feeling resentful.

andiem · 06/05/2008 22:20

jodie for you not sure what to say as dh and I have very calm relationship look after yourself and poorly dc

scanner · 06/05/2008 22:23

My dh and I have sworn at each other, but only in extreme temper. I don't think he'd sware at me when our dc's were causing similar problems, but I think he would sware at the situation maybe.

Original poster
JodieG1 · 06/05/2008 22:31

I just tried to speak with him and he blamed everything on me again, me bf, I don't know I'm not sure I even care now. I said I wasn't sure I could go on like this and he threw his wedding ring at me.

I was crying as I spoke to him and he didn't even care.

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Original poster
JodieG1 · 06/05/2008 22:41

Anyone else? I feel so down right now.

OP posts:
andiem · 06/05/2008 22:42

jodie so sorry he is treating you like this especially as dcs are ill

have to go now as ds2 needs feeding hope your night isn't too bad

Irisheyes78 · 06/05/2008 22:44

Leave it for tonight and talk to him in the morning x

AbricotsSecs · 06/05/2008 22:53

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Original poster
JodieG1 · 06/05/2008 23:00

I really can't do this anymore with him. This goes so much deeper than tonight.

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AbricotsSecs · 06/05/2008 23:04

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AbricotsSecs · 06/05/2008 23:05

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AbricotsSecs · 06/05/2008 23:07

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madamez · 06/05/2008 23:08

If he is/has been usually a loving, cheerful and helpful partner then you could put this particular bit of behaviour down to sleep deprivation (nearly everyone will get snappy and unpleasant when short on sleep: and your lack of sleep will make you more easily upset as well). However, if he calls you names and complains at you and about you all the time, and kicks things and throws things even when the DC are well and sleep is not in short supply, then he is an unpleasant bell end and maybe it would be a good idea to rethink your relationship.

Divastrop · 06/05/2008 23:12

i am only just learning about 'normal',but i have plenty of experience of 'abusive' and i would say if this level of agression(kicking a toy,swearing at you) are pretty typical of him(as opposed to a result of extreme stress and sleep deprivation)then i would say he's being abusive.why doesnt he like you bf?is he jealous?

Original poster
JodieG1 · 06/05/2008 23:39

Diva he thinks it's disgusting as ds2 is now nearly 16 months old, I truely just don't know what to do anymore.

Mademez thank you for your reply, it's not a one off.

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