Mum hates my partner for no reason

[BeRubySquid]

Before I launch into this I just wanted to give a bit of background which relates to the situation. I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant and got admitted to hospital a few days ago until my c section date. I’m absolutely fine health wise but it was just deemed safer to be here in case I go into labour. We’re also in the middle of moving house and the deadline to be out is this coming Friday.

so as above I’ve been admitted into hospital which has left my partner on his own to pack up our house, finish fitting the new bathroom in said house and then get the new house ready for us to move into (that house was being renovated and we’ve been let down time and time again by contractors, hence the close deadline) so it’s safe to say he’s had a lot of pressure on him and he’s trying to do all this while working full time and looking after an 8 year old, plus making sure I have everything I need in hospital.

when my mum found out I’d been admitted she offered to help my partner pack up the house, which we gratefully accepted. She turned up yesterday and instantly started judging our situation. She started having a go at him basically saying he wasn’t good enough for me and all of this was so unorganised and last minute and all of it was his fault. She also kept referring to me as “my daughter” the conversation ended with her telling him he isn’t good enough for me and I deserve better. Now this is a man at breaking point. He’s exhausted and struggling with the weight of everything and it is by no means his fault that this has been so last minute. We were let down time and time again by contractors and he’s done his absolute best to get the house done to a liveable standard. The long and short of it is that my mum is a raging snob. Everything is about appearances with her and she’s extremely judgemental. My partner rang me sounding like he was going to cry when he told me what she’d said, so I rang her and she admitted it all. Told me he isn’t good enough for me and that he’s controlling. I asked her how he’s controlling and she said because she’d asked him when I’m going back to work and he said he’d told her I don’t have to go back to work if I don’t want to because he earns enough to support us, but equally if I do I want to go back then obviously I will. She then asked me if I’m truly happy with him to which I obviously replied yes and she just huffed at me down the phone. The conversation ended with her saying she would walk away from my life and leave me to it, wished me luck with everything and then went.

she’s made digs at me about him in the past and I honestly don’t understand why. He’s literally never done anything to her and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with him. She even moaned once because he offered to pay the bill when we went out for dinner for her birthday and she rang me and said he was showing off, but he was just being polite? So he’s never offered again.

I guess my reason for this post is advice on what to do when she inevitably gets in contact with me to try and see the baby. I’ve never had a close relationship with my mum and since being an adult I’ve kept her at arms length because she’s treated me badly in the past. I’ve maintained a relationship because I’ve felt bad that she lives on her own and if anything happened and we weren’t on speaking terms I don’t know if I would forgive myself, but equally being around her gives me crippling anxiety. I feel so angry at her for doing what she’s done and making my partner feel how she has, for no reason. I’m a level headed person and generally try and see both sides of a situation but with this I feel she is completely the one in the wrong. She will never accept this though and will never apologise.

If you’ve stayed with me this long, thank you! Any advise is much appreciated 😊

Sounds like jealousy to me. Also sounds like she's no loss if she never speaks to you again.

He sounds like a very good partner. I hope you both have some other support though as you are hitting two of the most stressful life events at the same time.

It is a bit mad to move house at 35 weeks though. Maybe that's what she's worried about.

How cruel of her to do this while you're in hospital - ranting at your husband then you, and "walking away from your life" when you're about to have her second grandchild.

You've said she's treated you badly in the past, being around her gives you crippling anxiety, she's a massive snob, she's hung up on appearances, and she doesn't sound at all pleased that you're happy with your partner. I'm not seeing any reason for you to chase after her, begging her to be in your life while she badmouths your partner. You owe her absolutely nothing.

Your guilt about not being on speaking terms "if anything happened" is misplaced. Think about it. It's HER choice at the moment not to speak to you. All of the ill feeling is her doing. If she died or became ill at a time you weren't in contact, it wouldn't be any worse than if you had been forcing yourself to endure being around her.

It's all really unfair on you but ignore her and concentrate on your own health and baby. And if there's a risk she'll march onto the ward and make a scene, tell the midwives she isn't to be allowed in - get them to put that in your notes.

God she sounds terrible. And your husband sounds like he's really doing the best he can in a very complicated situation. She's the one who has created trouble - don't feel that you have to maintain bridges or smooth the way back for her. Concentrate on you, your baby, your child and husband. She's put herself beyond the pale.

Well the intention was to be in before Christmas but as I said, we got massively let down by contractors and sometimes these things can’t be helped.

Your mum sounds like a jealous cow I would cut her out

I’d say she’s seen something that reminds her of something to do with her own life, maybe in the way he said he could look after you all financially, and she’s wary or remembering/ misremembering something. Also yes she could be worried you’re so close to having the baby and things aren’t close to being ready

Oh ffs! She doesn’t have a choice. If her mother were seriously concerned about that she could pitch in and help.

The thing is though, when I told her I was pregnant she begged me to have plenty of time off work with her, so I think he thought it would reassure her when he said he’s told me I don’t have to go back if I don’t want to, but she’s thrown it in his face and said he’s controlling so it feels like we can’t really win

Did she do this in front of your 8 year old?

Either way, your partner doesn't deserve to be treated like this and shouldn't ever have to see your mother again. Your children shouldn't be around someone who treats their parent like that. If you choose to keep a relationship with her it should be just you and never at your home. The way she spoke to your partner is vile.

Maybe she is worried that you are not married and thinks that suggests he doesn’t value you enough.

You tell her if she wants to see grandchild she has to apologise to your partner for a start!!

Your mother was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed. This is who she is. Her offers of so called help should have been refused and her opinion anyway needs to be ignored.

Drop the rope she holds out to you and get therapy going forward re your fear obligation and guilt states your mother has installed in you. Read Toxic parents by Susan Forward.

I would also keep your as yet unborn child well away from her too. Children need emotionally healthy role models and she does not fit the bill. She is an emotionally unsafe person to be around and none of you should be seeing her. You owe her nothing let alone a relationship here.

Btw such people like your mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Where is your dad here, I ask only as he is not mentioned.

Your mistake here has been to at all maintain a relationship with her out of your own misplaced guilt. Stop forcing yourself to endure being around her. She’s abusive and will not change nor say sorry. Let go of any and all residual hope that she will change.

Do you think your mother feels guilt for how she has treated your H as well as you, not a bit of it. If she indeed decides to cut you off going forward she has done you a favour. The trash has taken itself out.

You would not tolerate this likely from a friend so stop tolerating it from your mother.

Sounds like your partner is great, and he reflects badly on your DM and how she has treated you, which makes her feel guilty and lash out. Also she can't stand you being an adult and outside her control - DP helps in this regard as he makes sure you aren't dependent on her in your hour of need.

I would second reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

You have been brought up to expect bad treatment - it's outrageous that she's piling pressure on you at such a vulnerable time! A good Mum would be trying to ease your worries, not add to them. She's trying to make herself the centre of the drama rather than helping. She's thinking 'What about meeee?!'

Ignore her for now - you and your husband can support each other without her interference. You've actually got a lot of good, positive things in your life, but transition stages can be hard-going. You are so close to moving into your new place with your new little one - just focus on that! I know it's been tough but you have done so well to get this far! 🤗

Unless there have been other times when your partner hasn't been the best, it sounds as if your mum is the controlling one.
She wants everything packed up and sorted and your new home looking like a show home. If she's that worried about you, why hasn't she been helping out a lot more before now?

I think in today’s society marriage is irrelevant and very much a choice. You’ve assumed we’re not married, based on what I’m not sure.

I think in today’s society marriage is irrelevant and very much a choice. You’ve assumed we’re not married, based on what I’m not sure.

She's based it on the fact that you've called him your partner throughout the post, not your husband.

He hasn’t, he’s a good person and he’s always provided for us and made sure in any situation we’re all ok and I thought as a mother that would be something you would want for your daughter. I was in a bad relationship in the past and she never said a word about that, which says a lot about who she is a person.

you’re right, she’s embarrassed of my situation and is judging. She’s making it all about her because she finds it impossible to keep her opinions to herself and also thinks her opinions are a fact. She’s creating entire scenarios in her head that haven’t happened and will not happened and she’s weaponised them against my partner. She’s also made a lot of assumptions without actually asking.

Again, I don’t see the relevance? Not that it matters, but our wedding is booked for next year. We chose our forever home and children before paying for a wedding.

Thank you so much for all the advice and support, it really is appreciated!

I’m definitely going to order the book and have a read, especially while I’m in here not doing anything! Maybe it will answer some questions / offer some clarity.

My mum is very much a person who has to make things about her in situations and it is something I have brought up to her before. A lot of the anxiety I carry when I’m around her stems from how she treated me when I still lived at home. She was very controlling (ironic, I know) and it was all very much if you don’t like how I’m treating you then you know where the door is. I was 15 with nowhere else to go so I endured it.

I honestly don’t know what her problem is with my partner and all I can put it down to is jealousy. My mum has been on her own for 28 years and I just genuinely think she hates men. I was in an abusive relationship previously and she never said a bad word about him and when I mentioned that to her yesterday she just sat quiet.

My partner is a good person and a provider, he’s always been the same since we first got to together. He’s a very strong person and doesn’t take any sh*t and in all honesty I think it’s that she doesn’t like. I think she wants me to be with someone who is going to buy us a big fancy house and drive a big fancy car and does exactly as I tell them to, which isn’t what I want! She definitely treats her “rich” friends differently to the way she treats her other friends which I find absolutely awful. We’re very different people, thank goodness!

someone asked about my dad - my mum and dad divorced 28 years ago and I never really had a relationship with him. I reached out about 15 years ago to see if we could build on anything and I never heard back from him, so he’s very much not in the picture.

Think carefully about giving your baby your partner's last name only. It can always been changed after you get married (you have to re-register any children after marriage anyway).

Marriage is still very relevant legally and financially.

I do think that you need to support your partner and let your mum know that she has made this difficult time even more difficult.

Just be careful if you do decide to be a SAHM. You're putting yourself in a vulnerable financial position if you're not married.