Mum hates my partner for no reason

[BeRubySquid]

Before I launch into this I just wanted to give a bit of background which relates to the situation. I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant and got admitted to hospital a few days ago until my c section date. I’m absolutely fine health wise but it was just deemed safer to be here in case I go into labour. We’re also in the middle of moving house and the deadline to be out is this coming Friday.

so as above I’ve been admitted into hospital which has left my partner on his own to pack up our house, finish fitting the new bathroom in said house and then get the new house ready for us to move into (that house was being renovated and we’ve been let down time and time again by contractors, hence the close deadline) so it’s safe to say he’s had a lot of pressure on him and he’s trying to do all this while working full time and looking after an 8 year old, plus making sure I have everything I need in hospital.

when my mum found out I’d been admitted she offered to help my partner pack up the house, which we gratefully accepted. She turned up yesterday and instantly started judging our situation. She started having a go at him basically saying he wasn’t good enough for me and all of this was so unorganised and last minute and all of it was his fault. She also kept referring to me as “my daughter” the conversation ended with her telling him he isn’t good enough for me and I deserve better. Now this is a man at breaking point. He’s exhausted and struggling with the weight of everything and it is by no means his fault that this has been so last minute. We were let down time and time again by contractors and he’s done his absolute best to get the house done to a liveable standard. The long and short of it is that my mum is a raging snob. Everything is about appearances with her and she’s extremely judgemental. My partner rang me sounding like he was going to cry when he told me what she’d said, so I rang her and she admitted it all. Told me he isn’t good enough for me and that he’s controlling. I asked her how he’s controlling and she said because she’d asked him when I’m going back to work and he said he’d told her I don’t have to go back to work if I don’t want to because he earns enough to support us, but equally if I do I want to go back then obviously I will. She then asked me if I’m truly happy with him to which I obviously replied yes and she just huffed at me down the phone. The conversation ended with her saying she would walk away from my life and leave me to it, wished me luck with everything and then went.

she’s made digs at me about him in the past and I honestly don’t understand why. He’s literally never done anything to her and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with him. She even moaned once because he offered to pay the bill when we went out for dinner for her birthday and she rang me and said he was showing off, but he was just being polite? So he’s never offered again.

I guess my reason for this post is advice on what to do when she inevitably gets in contact with me to try and see the baby. I’ve never had a close relationship with my mum and since being an adult I’ve kept her at arms length because she’s treated me badly in the past. I’ve maintained a relationship because I’ve felt bad that she lives on her own and if anything happened and we weren’t on speaking terms I don’t know if I would forgive myself, but equally being around her gives me crippling anxiety. I feel so angry at her for doing what she’s done and making my partner feel how she has, for no reason. I’m a level headed person and generally try and see both sides of a situation but with this I feel she is completely the one in the wrong. She will never accept this though and will never apologise.

If you’ve stayed with me this long, thank you! Any advise is much appreciated 😊

Maybe there is a third option where you meet up with her on your own for a while to clear the air and see if she realises what a cow she’s been and is genuinely sorry and willing to behave differently in the future. Keep it that way for a long time to ensure it’s not just words and she isn’t going to slide back into her old ways, before she spends time with your children again.

Is she likely to be remorseful? If not it would be best to go NC or she will be making you all miserable for the rest of her life. I understand that guilt you mentioned, but maybe some CBT could put that in perspective and prepare you for the future. The guilt is hers.

It sounds like your mother is the controlling one.
Do what's best for your wellbeing. Limit number of visits to what you can cope with.

I perhaps should have mentioned I have an older brother. He has a completely different relationship with my mum as he’s always been quite reliant on her, which is what she wants. He messaged to say congratulations and I haven’t heard from him since, so I’m also quite angry with him. I haven’t messaged him either, but I was the one that had just had a baby and needed support, and he just turned his back on me, so I have that relationship to figure out as well. I feel really let down to be honest. My partner has said he will do whatever I’m happy with, which is big of him considering.

Don’t let her back in. Now you are a mother you are responsible for your little girl—not your mother. And your mother has shown she is a destructive force. She has not and will not reform. So I think its too big a risk.

This is the crux of the matter. She doesn't recognise a healthy relationship.

She controlled you and no longer can/does so she sees him as her "replacement" and is therefore projecting that he is now the controller as she doesn't recognise the "partnership " relationship you have because it is not something she has.

I would tell her she owes DP an apology and that if that is not forthcoming then she isn't welcome in your home / life.

Sorry just saw update. I would consider having had her out of your life for this amount of time do you really want her back in it? As well as the apology I mention above perhaps really strict ground rules if you are prepared to give her the chance.

I’ve also said this. My sole job is to now protect her and give her a completely different childhood to the one I had. Believe it or not my mum thinks she’s a great mum and will not be told otherwise. I think I will meet her and have the conversation face to face rather than on text, but I will go on my own.

Yeah but I was giving advice about getting a company in to do all the packing and moving for her. Not much help 3 months after the move. 😂

It sounds like she is jealous to me, your life has turned out a lot better than hers. X

It is not the dark ages people don't have to get married

I agree. Op this isn’t about you or your partner it’s all about her. You don’t need to understand why she doesn’t it, the old if a snake bites you you don’t try and have a chat about why it did that, you get away.

trying to rationalise it will drive you mad and is pointless. Boundaries are your friend here, and also not asking or accepting any help from her as it’s not given freely. Were you enmeshed as a child? She thinks she owns you still.

I know. I got married after I had children but not everyone thinks like you and me.

If by enmeshed you mean controlled then yes. The rules would change each week and it was down to me to guess what they were going to be. For example, one week I would be allowed out with my friends, the next week I would be grounded for no reason. I would be locked out of the house all day during school holidays, in the rain too embarrassed to tell my friends what she had done, so I would sit under a tree all day and try to stay dry. She didn’t care at all that I was 15 and roaming the streets by myself! There’s so much more but I’d be here all day. Becoming a mother myself had triggered so many emotions towards things from my past that I had suppressed and tried to forget about, but I’m struggling now to be honest.

We will get married. It was more of an age thing for me as to why we decided to have a baby first. I’m 33 (by no means old) but my biological clock was ticking and my partner is 40 next year and said he didn’t want to wait too much longer because he didn’t want to be stood at the school gates and everyone assuming he was our daughters grandad 😂 we also didn’t want to rush to get married before children and not have the wedding we want, so chose children first.

This sounds like a great idea.

Many congratulations on your baby OP!

One thing that occurs to me, is having a mother like yours, it broke my ability to form judgements about people. It meant I couldn't see who was "good" and who was "bad" (to simplify), because a child's brain can't compute that they're in danger from their primary caregiver.

Plus all the discourse around abusive childhoods tends to focus on individual traumatic events. Rather than the backgroud issue of a parent who is difficult (to say the least) every day, and creates a hostile atmosphere every day.

Put together it means we can end up compartmentalising things they did/said, and thinking of them as a series of one-offs that could be let go and moved on from. Whereas in reality, as a wise old colleague once said to me, "You know, OhBow, some people just aren't very nice". That was a light bulb moment.

What I'm saying is, a leopard can't change its spots. But they can hide them for a bit, if eg. they want access to a grandchild.

Thank you! So many people have said to me “but your mum seemed so nice” she’s very good at hiding it. I’m not giving her access to my daughter, she’s far too precious! I will leave her at home with her dad while I meet my mum.

Good thinking OP. But don't forget, you're just as precious as your daughter x

I met with my mum today. It didn’t go well. She didn’t think she had done anything wrong and said what she had done was valid. I asked her why and she couldn’t tell me. She took no responsibility for what she had done, so I told her I wanted to go no contact. She said “ok, best of luck then” and walked away.

she never asked about my daughter or how she is. Never even asked to see a photo of her. I feel lighter, but I also feel sad. I still somehow feel guilty that she’s on her own, even though she caused this. I guess it will just take time to adjust. Thank you all again for your advice, I took a lot of it onboard and I’m now going to focus on myself and being the best mum I can be to my beautiful little girl 🥰

Bravo! I love to hear about couples (and particularly women) who have been sensible this way and covered all eventualities rather than just pretending that being romantic means you should never consider the possibility a relationship ends! Shocked how many people don’t protect themselves.

You have been very brave. Now go and flourish!

Hire packers as part of your removal service and they can pack for you.

Your mum sounds awful, if she was that worried she could have helped out sooner.

Thank you. I massively recommend it to anyone of a certain age that goes into a relationship with assets. No matter how much you think it may work out, anything could happen and you can lose what you’ve worked so hard for in a heartbeat.

That resonates, not as extreme as you but coming in from school and saying hello so I could gauge the mood in the house which could be rarely a normal hello back but also an angry one a sad one or just nothing as she was giving me the silent treatment. Or it could be getting home to a house with no lights on even though she was in and finding her sitting in the dark crying.

mine doesn’t like my husband as he isn’t enmeshed or controlled by her.

And I think that’s the complete headfuck for me and how she hates my husband, he’s a really good man, if my daughter has a good man as a husband I’d be happy . She had an awful marriage, do you not want better for your child? I know mine is just so emotionally immature that she doesn’t or isnt able to think like that.

You don't need any of this OP - not now and not ever. She has done the difficult bit for you by going NC, so let it go. Don't contact her, and if she contacts you, don't get drawn back into this mess of a relationship. Seriously, she is bringing nothing positive to your life or your DPs or your Dcs, and doesn't deserve anything from you now. You have nothing to feel guilt about. She has dropped the rope - don't pick it up again. You will feel so much freer and happier if you come to terms with having no relationship with her. See going NC as the best survival tactic for yourself.
Congratulations on your baby and new home.