Mum hates my partner for no reason

[BeRubySquid]

Before I launch into this I just wanted to give a bit of background which relates to the situation. I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant and got admitted to hospital a few days ago until my c section date. I’m absolutely fine health wise but it was just deemed safer to be here in case I go into labour. We’re also in the middle of moving house and the deadline to be out is this coming Friday.

so as above I’ve been admitted into hospital which has left my partner on his own to pack up our house, finish fitting the new bathroom in said house and then get the new house ready for us to move into (that house was being renovated and we’ve been let down time and time again by contractors, hence the close deadline) so it’s safe to say he’s had a lot of pressure on him and he’s trying to do all this while working full time and looking after an 8 year old, plus making sure I have everything I need in hospital.

when my mum found out I’d been admitted she offered to help my partner pack up the house, which we gratefully accepted. She turned up yesterday and instantly started judging our situation. She started having a go at him basically saying he wasn’t good enough for me and all of this was so unorganised and last minute and all of it was his fault. She also kept referring to me as “my daughter” the conversation ended with her telling him he isn’t good enough for me and I deserve better. Now this is a man at breaking point. He’s exhausted and struggling with the weight of everything and it is by no means his fault that this has been so last minute. We were let down time and time again by contractors and he’s done his absolute best to get the house done to a liveable standard. The long and short of it is that my mum is a raging snob. Everything is about appearances with her and she’s extremely judgemental. My partner rang me sounding like he was going to cry when he told me what she’d said, so I rang her and she admitted it all. Told me he isn’t good enough for me and that he’s controlling. I asked her how he’s controlling and she said because she’d asked him when I’m going back to work and he said he’d told her I don’t have to go back to work if I don’t want to because he earns enough to support us, but equally if I do I want to go back then obviously I will. She then asked me if I’m truly happy with him to which I obviously replied yes and she just huffed at me down the phone. The conversation ended with her saying she would walk away from my life and leave me to it, wished me luck with everything and then went.

she’s made digs at me about him in the past and I honestly don’t understand why. He’s literally never done anything to her and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with him. She even moaned once because he offered to pay the bill when we went out for dinner for her birthday and she rang me and said he was showing off, but he was just being polite? So he’s never offered again.

I guess my reason for this post is advice on what to do when she inevitably gets in contact with me to try and see the baby. I’ve never had a close relationship with my mum and since being an adult I’ve kept her at arms length because she’s treated me badly in the past. I’ve maintained a relationship because I’ve felt bad that she lives on her own and if anything happened and we weren’t on speaking terms I don’t know if I would forgive myself, but equally being around her gives me crippling anxiety. I feel so angry at her for doing what she’s done and making my partner feel how she has, for no reason. I’m a level headed person and generally try and see both sides of a situation but with this I feel she is completely the one in the wrong. She will never accept this though and will never apologise.

If you’ve stayed with me this long, thank you! Any advise is much appreciated 😊

I have rental properties so still have an income and something to fall back on if it did all go wrong 😊 I also have my own bank accounts etc and own money. Before I went on maternity, he knew I hated my job and didn’t want to go back, so he basically just said the offer is there if you want it while you figure what you want to do in terms of a job. He runs his own businesses and said he will support me if I decide I want to do the same at some point.

Because you called him your partner in your thread title.

I couldn’t care less if you are married or not, I had children before I got married, but your mother might not feel the same.

If you are married then my suggestion is irrelevant.

Remember if you do get married your assets could become marital assets (depending where you live)

It’s stated in the contracts for all our property who owns what just in case and it’s water tight. Some people would find that sad but my ex screwed me over financially so from the day we met I made it clear that I’m having provisions put in place to protect myself in case things didn’t work out and he was supportive of that and said he’d do the same so it’s always clear that if we split up we both walk away with what we came into the relationship with and then anything we buy together will be split 50/50.

Ha, it's not ironic that she accuses him of control when she is controlling - the biter bit!

My mother took a dislike to my husband when she realised he liked me and wasn't going to join in with, or tolerate, her picking on me. Through him (and mixing with other, normal families), I came to realise that she was a nasty bully, and that I didn't have to tolerate her abuse and smile and laugh it off while hurting inside - I could acknowledge that it was hurtful. She hated him for giving me that power. Does this sound familiar?

Anyway, you sound like a strong person, despite her best efforts, and I hope you go from strength to strength!

@BeRubySquid why so snippy with someone who has made an assumption which is right?!

Wow, your mum sounds awful and very similar to mine! I don’t think she likes the fact that he’s supportive and would literally do anything for me, but my dad treated her badly, I really think it all stems from jealousy with them. I also think this is the reason she didn’t say anything when I was in a dead end relationship because it made her feel better about her life? I’ve asked myself so many times how can you be so awful to someone that you gave brith to and raised?! I’m having a little girl and the day I found out I was pregnant I vowed I would never be like my mother.

I’m so glad you’ve healed from your experiences and you found a good guy to help you do that! Thank you for your support 😊

But how does that make him a bad partner ?
OP has said they were let down and as pp said, she could have offered to help.

She sounds toxic OP. Keep her at arms length and only see her when you feel up to it.
I’d not be allowing her unsupervised access to your child going forward, either ( babysitting etc).

You dp sounds like a good man.

Thank you 😊 no one has been more stressed about this move than he has! He just wants everything to be perfect and my mum just basically kicked him while he was down. When I spoke to her I said did you not think a supportive word of encouragement may have been more appropriate than completely berating him and she just said no. I’m still in a bit of shock of how cold she was when I spoke to her. I won’t be speaking to her again. My decision is made 😊

@BeRubySquid belated congratulations on the house and baby. Well done on coming to a difficult decision with your mum.

I would not be wasting energy and time on someone who makes me feel so riddled with anxiety - waiting for the next barbed comment etc.

And I can only imagine your partners upset if she is allowed to continue with her toxic presence in your new home and family unit after berating him like that.

There is a reason she is on her own and no one is there for her - and it’s all in her. There are services she can access when she needs them due to health or age. You do not need to be the one to help her. I doubt she would return the favour to you.

you really need to continue thinking of what’s best for you and your mental health and your little family unit.

Well done, I think you've made the right decision. If you ever feel you want to speak to your mother again (which is entirely YOUR choice), remember you are an autonomous adult and walk away again if it's not working for you. She is entitled to her opinion; you are entitled not to listen to it.

Obviously what your partner said about whether you go back to work is the very opposite of controlling, so one has to wonder why she interpreted it in that way. Seems what she doesn't like is you as a couple making decisions without her input. I suspect the only answer that would have found favour with her would be "I'm not sure, what do YOU think BeRubySquid should do?" I further suspect that she only offered to help to give herself an opportunity to have a go at him, and that she flounced off because she didn't really want to help at all but wanted to be able to tell her friends that she offered.

Basically, it's him making you happy that gets her back up. The fact that she didn't have a problem with your previous unsupportive partner is evidence of that. Hope all goes well and that you all (you, partner, child and baby, NOT moany mother!) get some rest and quality time together when you are in your new house.

Thank you 😊 a few people have said “well what if she apologises” but unfortunately in this situation an apology isn’t going to cut it because the damage is done and it won’t change the outcome. I’ve made the decision I don’t want her in my life and that’s that! I also don’t want her in my daughter’s life.

you’re right about her friends, she will go back and play the victim and say we have excluded her / been horrible to her, but I really don’t care. We know the truth!

thank you 😊 I know, he was shocked by her response. He thought it would reassure her but obviously it backfired. I think the only thing that would make my mother happy is if I was miserable and listened to everything she said!

I remember someone saying their awful mother used to keep saying "I just want you to be happy!" while she constantly criticised her and moaned. She said she eventually realised "what she really wants is for me to make her happy" and I think there's a lot of truth in that when people behave like this.

It isn't happiness in the real sense that they're seeking, it's some kind of satisfaction - the satisfaction of being in control of a situation or person, of feeling that they're right and someone else is wrong, or of making themselves look good in front of their friends. This sounds exactly what your mother is doing.

You can't fix the way they are so all you can do is protect yourself and your children from it. No use pandering to them to "keep the peace" because they won't give you peace!

Well done - you've dealt with this very well and firmly, at a time that's very difficult for you.

That’s so true! Never really thought about it like that. I distanced myself when I bought my house and actually moved half an hour away just to put some distance between us and always kept her at arms length. I would barely hear from her from one week to the next and when I would I would just be filled with anxiety and then after seeing her I’d be exhausted. I also realised recently that when it came to seeing her I would always try and make it in a group capacity because it put less pressure on me. Since I’ve been pregnant she’s been insufferable and she was actually the last person we told, and for good reason!

I'm at peace with my decision and although it was hard, especially right now I know I’ll look back in a few months and realise how much happier I am now she isn’t in my life sticking her 10 pence in in every situation. Thank you for your support 😊

I have been in a similar position moved on the Friday gave birth on the Saturday. It was so challenging. However I think this is an instance where you need to confront your mum. Her tirade at your husband is absolutely unacceptable, her opinions if not supportive need to stay in her head. You don't have to be confrontational l, but she does need to be respectfully told that her opinions is incorrect and damaging. It's you who has to say this.

Absolutely wish you all the best of luck x it will be a story to tell for years to come!

Arms' length is too close. She's found a new way of controlling you by upsetting your DH thus your marriage. There are times in life when we have to make very hard choices. What your Mum just did would be grounds for divorce in a marriage? It's grounds for divorce from her. Knowing your fragile condition in hospital and the situation your DH is in, trying to get everythingshipshape, the last thing anyone needs is her pathetic strife.

Op, pardon my french, from what I’ve read you are in deep sheet and your mum brought along the fan. I say cut the cord.

Nothing good will come out of keeping in touch. You let this one go and she will start spreading her venom over your child as well. If you think you are tired now, imagine what is going to be like when you sleep deprived and having a crying baby. You can live in a house done halfway or brought to a liveable state(you would not be the only one), but having her judgemental digs on top, is this something that you really want?

Oh wow that must have been an experience?! Did you forget about it all once the baby arrived? They’ve just told me I’ll be having my
section on Wednesday and we need to be out the house by Friday, I have no idea what we’re going to do but we need to make it work some how!

I confronted her and I’ve now made the decision that she won’t be in our lives. It isn’t worth the anxiety. Any big event anyone ever has, she has to make about herself and she’s decided to do this right now. The most vulnerable / stressful time of my life. It’s just not acceptable at all!

Thank you so much for your support 😊

Good for you. Hope this thread helped you to make up your mind. Don't stray, leave her behind!

Yes I did forget about how crazy it all was, I also got married two weeks after- so major life changes all at once!

You now focus on your little tribe, house move and all of that will happen, let your husband deal with that and you deal with the c section and your mum can deal with herself!

We hired a moving company that packed everything and also rebuilt everything the other end I supervised! But that advice is probably not going to help you. However whatever plan you have it will work one way or another. Then you have all the excitement of a new baby and a new home at the same time! And you are off on maternity leave so you can really enjoy it and unpack bits as and when. Your home definitely doesn't need to be a show home!

My parents spent more time in my new home than I did in the first week, I was like where are the mugs? They knew.

I know MN hates it when we suggest armchair diagnoses, for good reason, but this does rather sound like a classic narcissistic parent. She has controlled you through guilt and fear for years, positioned herself as the victim, and will, of course, loathe your partner if he's your main source of support becuase you are less likely to be as easily controlled by her.

I was about to say the same. Traits of a narcissist:

Sense of self-importance: They have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and believe they are superior to others. I would add an addiction to having their superiority confirmed
Lack of empathy: They have difficulty recognising and understanding the needs and feelings of others. Except in order to make you feel bad
Envy: They may feel envious of others, especially when others are successful.
Arrogance: They may behave in a way that is snobby, disdainful, or condescending. Always critical
Exploitative: They may take advantage of others to get what they want. Eg give presents to create obligation
Sensitivity: They may react badly to criticism, disagreements, or perceived slights. DARVO - essential to understand, they do it on the daily!
Resistance to change: They may be extremely resistant to changing their behavior, even when it's causing them problems. Black and white thinking
Grandiosity: They may have a grandiose sense of self-importance, believing that their presence is essential to the success of others. "You're hopeless, you wouldn't cope without me"
Attention-seeking: They may need constant attention and validation from others. Putting on their best face for the approval of strangers

I seriously wish I'd worked out that this is what needed to happen with my mum, but I was so upset by her behaviour (very similar to the OP's) that I didn't and I'm now in a horrible situation where it's eating me up, but I can't go NC because my DC love her and love spending time with her and she is good to them. So we have this awful (to me) existence where I am civil to her for the sake of DC, but DH and I don't see her beyond dropping the kids at her's to pick her up.

My advice - don't let things fester. Sort this out before she meets the new baby (if you even want her to).