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Original poster

He’s broke should it matter?

123 replies

Whenisitspring · 25/01/2025 23:27

I’ve been dating someone for just over a year and he’s a lovely man but has hardly any disposable income or solid plans for later life (he’s 54) and his lack of responsibility is putting me off. He’s quite naive when it comes to grown up stuff like finances and pensions and I’m struggling to feel comfortable with it. What does everyone think? He’s kind, considerate, loving, and generous with what he has got but I’m not sure…

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 25/01/2025 23:28

Why did you hang around for a year?

Love doesn’t pay the rent is my answer

TwistedWonder · 25/01/2025 23:29

Date him don’t live with him

healthybychristmas · 25/01/2025 23:29

I would move on personally. The reason he's naive is because he's left it to other people, i.e. women, to worry about money. He's quite happy to let you be the one who's worrying about while he carries on with his head in the sand

Moonshine5 · 25/01/2025 23:29

You sound naive OP

TippledPink · 25/01/2025 23:30

Run!

Verydemure · 25/01/2025 23:30

Run.

i married a clown like this and it will soon give you the ‘Ick’

having no money or assets or savings at 54 is just plain stupid. If you stay with him, your hard earned pension and savings will go on supporting him.

and if you ignore my advice- never marry him!

Guest100 · 25/01/2025 23:30

It might be ok now, but you may end up supporting him when he is older or subsiding any travel you want to do with him. Unless you plan to be completely independent it’s going to matter later.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 25/01/2025 23:33

It would matter to me and it would be a hard no

MeganM3 · 25/01/2025 23:33

Depends what you're looking for from him and for the relationship.

Do you have your own place and have your own financial stability? Would you plan to live with him and share finances.
Or can you stay independent and enjoy his company and what he has to offer.

It isn't ideal and I would find it unattractive too. But sounds like he has some other great qualities that are important too.
You just don't want it to hinder your life or he become your financial responsibility.

MySweetGeorgina · 25/01/2025 23:33

Does he not work?

why not?

Dotty87 · 25/01/2025 23:35

He's never had to look after his finances, or make any plans, he's relied on women to do that for him. If you stay, you will be filling that role. Personally, I'd move on.

Ponderingwindow · 25/01/2025 23:35

Someone in a low paying but worthwhile job like social work or some health care roles, but they are frugal and plan finances carefully, can be an excellent life partner. It’s about having a plan and having strong fiscal values.

someone who spends without thinking, even if they have a high paying job, is not a good catch. Saving for the future is important.

OnlyMothersInTheBuilding · 25/01/2025 23:36

It wouldn't matter to me but I'd have strong boundaries around what I'd pay for, and living together or marriage would be off the cards. If I you're just looking for romance and companionship then it's only a problem if you feel it is.

changeme4this · 25/01/2025 23:47

I would want to know why he hardly has any disposable income. Is he paying child support and renting for instance? Does he buy too much crap on after pay? Has he gone through a property settlement with a former partner, so basically starting again?

Friends are currently in the process of separating since early December, and she thinks he is naive and dragging the chain, yet he is actually being quite calculating or measured if you prefer (for good reason, she organised valuations earlier last year and ensured their shared property was completed before announcing in December she had enough of him) as to how he handles the process moving forward.

I guess it depends on where you are standing as to how you see things unfolding.... personally I would be loath to let anyone know my financial position if I were ever to start dating again.

Bananalanacake · 26/01/2025 00:02

Have a relationship without living with him.

Starseeking · 26/01/2025 00:08

If you stay with him long-term you will end up being his nurse with a purse, you're already seeing the signs. I'd move on.

poemsandwine · 26/01/2025 00:12

The willful (ruling out vulnerability it wii be) ignorance would have put me off.

Original poster
Whenisitspring · 26/01/2025 00:16

He's been in relationships but nothing over 10 years and he's bought properties with some of two of his partners but left without much as he hadn't invested much.

He's a teacher and renting a flat on the outskirts of London.

He's has his teachers pension about 20 years worth.

I'm divorced and have my own house, 4 grown up kids, 2 living with me. I don't have much disposable income but I do have my property.

It's brought it home to me now he needs a new car and doesn't want to or can't afford to get much of a loan and has just 2K to spend which really won't get anything decent.

When I asked him about where he'd live when he's retired and not working to pay his rent he said he'd always planned on living with someone so the cost of living would be halved. He's assured me that he wants nothing from me and would pay half of everything and he's not concerned with getting married or not, he said it would be up to me to do whatever made me happy.

I'm very conflicted because his personality traits and qualities he has are wonderful, he's not materialistic or shallow etc but I feel scared and insecure about his lack of a later life plan and lack of financial security.

OP posts:
Heelworkhero · 26/01/2025 00:22

That would be a no from me.
But equally, this would be 10 years off being me if my DH and I split…....

poemsandwine · 26/01/2025 00:24

When I asked him about where he'd live when he's retired and not working to pay his rent he said he'd always planned on living with someone so the cost of living would be halved.

This is so unattractive. He should take some responsibility for his own retirement.

LBFseBrom · 26/01/2025 00:48

It depends what you want from the relationship. If you enjoy his company and he's a decent person, things are OK as they are. If you want to set up home with someone, that is different but you don't appear to be at that stage.

StrawberryWater · 26/01/2025 00:51

Whenisitspring · 26/01/2025 00:16

He's been in relationships but nothing over 10 years and he's bought properties with some of two of his partners but left without much as he hadn't invested much.

He's a teacher and renting a flat on the outskirts of London.

He's has his teachers pension about 20 years worth.

I'm divorced and have my own house, 4 grown up kids, 2 living with me. I don't have much disposable income but I do have my property.

It's brought it home to me now he needs a new car and doesn't want to or can't afford to get much of a loan and has just 2K to spend which really won't get anything decent.

When I asked him about where he'd live when he's retired and not working to pay his rent he said he'd always planned on living with someone so the cost of living would be halved. He's assured me that he wants nothing from me and would pay half of everything and he's not concerned with getting married or not, he said it would be up to me to do whatever made me happy.

I'm very conflicted because his personality traits and qualities he has are wonderful, he's not materialistic or shallow etc but I feel scared and insecure about his lack of a later life plan and lack of financial security.

Massive red flags.

He's after a bed and probably doesn't care where he gets it as long as he has a roof over his head for his old age.

King Cocklodger.

cloudypops · 26/01/2025 01:01

I hate quotes but “The red flags you ignore in the begging will likely be the reason for the ending”

changeme4this · 26/01/2025 01:21

Does he have a bad credit rating if he can only borrow that much ?

changeme4this · 26/01/2025 01:23

LBFseBrom · 26/01/2025 00:48

It depends what you want from the relationship. If you enjoy his company and he's a decent person, things are OK as they are. If you want to set up home with someone, that is different but you don't appear to be at that stage.

Totally agree. Can you protect your asset from him or anyone else in the future? I’m not in the uk but I would be inclined to have that chat sooner rather than later with my solicitor