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Relationships

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Original poster

He’s broke should it matter?

123 replies

Whenisitspring · 25/01/2025 23:27

I’ve been dating someone for just over a year and he’s a lovely man but has hardly any disposable income or solid plans for later life (he’s 54) and his lack of responsibility is putting me off. He’s quite naive when it comes to grown up stuff like finances and pensions and I’m struggling to feel comfortable with it. What does everyone think? He’s kind, considerate, loving, and generous with what he has got but I’m not sure…

OP posts:

Diomi · 26/01/2025 06:57

He has got a job and a pension. It sounds like he has lost money from previous relationships. He will struggle to save a huge amount whilst paying rent in the London area. His situation is not uncommon. You don’t have to move in with him.

AQuickDeathInTexas · 26/01/2025 07:00

I would find the passiveness unattractive. Not the actual lack of money or house, but the happy-to-coast-along mindset.

Elllaa · 26/01/2025 07:02

I dont understand. He has 20 years pension worth, teachers pension is decent enough and he might not live long enough anyway. 2k can get you a working legal car no frills but there are decent used car for this. He has a place to live. He has no dependents.
How did you just now woke up and realised his finances aren't up to your standards? Surely it's early that you ascertain his home ownership status, employment and therefore pay bracket..
Maybe you were enthralled by him and now the love spell broke??
So either break up or keep dating him for fun. Absolutely do not move in together or marry.

Quitelikeit · 26/01/2025 07:03

Think yous are being harsh - so he’s a teacher, with a pension, who like millions of others is being hammered by the cost of living?!

He might have owned two houses previously but how do you expect him to get high enough deposits for mortgages when he basically needs to find a place to rent etc and pay all his bills

xRobin · 26/01/2025 07:04

Whenisitspring · 25/01/2025 23:27

I’m 32 and I couldn’t be with someone like that now let alone in my 50’s.
I see 50’s as kids almost/mostly raised, time to focus on you and what you want.
Any travelling/holidays you always wanted to do, new hobbies you want to take up, new groups you want to join etc.
Either make sure you are okay doing all those things by yourself or accept you’ll most likely financially support him and never get to do any of those things x

Tuftykitten · 26/01/2025 07:14

He's looking for a nurse with a purse.
You'll do nicely.

Has he asked to move in with you yet?

stillstormy · 26/01/2025 07:14

It’s hard/impossible to buy your own home if you are a teacher in London and single. A lot of teachers move out or back to their home towns (did it myself.)

I don’t think his situation is awful as he does have a pension. What are his plans for the future? When does he want to retire? A lot of teachers I know retire before 60 but can he go on longer where he is now? In my previous school everyone was made redundant when it closed and it was hard for teachers over 50 to get another job although I would imagine it would be easier in London.

Sunflowergirl1 · 26/01/2025 07:18

TwistedWonder · 25/01/2025 23:29

Date him don’t live with him

This….surely it is part of what makes someone attractive that they are able to manage money and plan life….i just couldn’t be with someone who was skint and likely to become dependent if we lived together

blahblah89 · 26/01/2025 07:24

I think if you're considering binning him off due to finances, then you probably aren't actually in love with him.
He's on a teacher salary, what did you expect?

I can't see that he's done /doing much wrong - except being fortunate enough to receive a large inheritance or help with a deposit etc.

MissDeborah · 26/01/2025 07:24

" No-one falls in love faster than a man who needs a place to live"

Run Op

SleepDeprivedElf · 26/01/2025 07:28

It’s surprising he didn’t take much from the properties he co owned given the market rose insanely in that period, eg a £20k deposit would’ve likely turned into £40k. Assets matter to me too and Yanbu to be concerned but pps are too harsh, he has a socially useful job and great pension, he’s living in a super high priced rental area. He’s clearly not a man child.

HarryVanderspeigle · 26/01/2025 07:32

Nah, I wouldn't have thought much of it my 20's, but 50's is a different stage of life. I can understand no property, London is very expensive for a teacher wage. But no savings all, despite getting some proceeds from property sales and not having had children to finance. It just shows someone who consistently has not managed their money for decades.

DeliciousApples · 26/01/2025 07:33

The state pension will be £221. His private pension will likely be the same.

So about £1700 a month.

That's not too bad amount to get by on, so if he doesn't own property and lives with someone who does he would be ok.

It's the fact that he blatantly intends on doing that which seems a bit off and usery to me.

I would ask him if he's had his pension projection and what it is per month or year.

He should at least be able to get that info. Once he has that I'd discuss how he plans to fund his housing situation as he has no paid off house and he won't get benefits if he has a private pension. So presumably he intends spending what, £500 a month say, on paying a woman partner who owns a house his half of the costs of the house.
Leaving not that much money to have fun with.

If however he's been generous in settlements to his exes (who may have taken him to the cleaners and left him with sweet FA), I can understand it a bit more.

My ex was like him. His ex ripped him right off. She got the paid off house and he got the car. I got out of the relationship. That he could allow himself to be so very stupid and throw away his future on someone who is in his past is beyond me.

MissDeborah · 26/01/2025 07:46

It's the fact that he blatantly intends on doing that which seems a bit off and usery to me

Tbh he has done Op a favour

Op LISTEN to your gut
A 50s man with no home and no savings
It's a red flag, don't move him in or combine finances

Poppychimney · 26/01/2025 07:47

"When I asked him about where he'd live when he's retired and not working to pay his rent he said he'd always planned on living with someone so the cost of living would be halved."

Whatever you do, do not marry him! (I know you haven't suggested that). And I think you'll tire of him being so broke.

Rachmorr57 · 26/01/2025 07:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gymbunny2025 · 26/01/2025 08:00

Whenisitspring · 26/01/2025 00:16

He's been in relationships but nothing over 10 years and he's bought properties with some of two of his partners but left without much as he hadn't invested much.

He's a teacher and renting a flat on the outskirts of London.

He's has his teachers pension about 20 years worth.

I'm divorced and have my own house, 4 grown up kids, 2 living with me. I don't have much disposable income but I do have my property.

It's brought it home to me now he needs a new car and doesn't want to or can't afford to get much of a loan and has just 2K to spend which really won't get anything decent.

When I asked him about where he'd live when he's retired and not working to pay his rent he said he'd always planned on living with someone so the cost of living would be halved. He's assured me that he wants nothing from me and would pay half of everything and he's not concerned with getting married or not, he said it would be up to me to do whatever made me happy.

I'm very conflicted because his personality traits and qualities he has are wonderful, he's not materialistic or shallow etc but I feel scared and insecure about his lack of a later life plan and lack of financial security.

He's got a good job, rents a flat and has a decent pension. I was expecting you to say he lives with elderly parents and doesn't work!

Personally if I liked him I'd be fine with the above (although wouldn't marry him)

DaisyDukesAuntie · 26/01/2025 08:09

Sounds like you are dating my exH! Even the age is spot on. If his name begins with an M.....run for the hills 🫣

Gymbunny2025 · 26/01/2025 08:31

Although having said that he's obviously never going to be able to afford 10 k holidays twice a year or eating out 3 times a week. So if that's your lifestyle you are probably just incompatible.

Loveautumnhatewinter · 26/01/2025 08:36

You are in a relationship with a 54 year old man child.

You will end up supporting and financially carrying him.

Both of your approaches to finances are not compatible.

I’d end it.

Verydemure · 26/01/2025 09:36

AQuickDeathInTexas · 26/01/2025 07:00

I would find the passiveness unattractive. Not the actual lack of money or house, but the happy-to-coast-along mindset.

This is what is making me twitchy. He is a teacher with a 20 year career. It isn’t that badly paid.

I do understand that it’s very hard to save in London- especially with high rents, so the fact he can’t save very much isn’t a big issue in itself.

But as a 54 year old, he would have been able to buy a property 20 years ago on the outskirts of London on a teachers salary.

he just didn’t bother because he had a partner do that for him. If he had bought jointly, he would’ve massively benefitted from the rise in property values which would’ve given him savings.

even now, he could take on private tuition and save up.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 26/01/2025 09:40

He can say he will pay 'half of everything' but he may have absolutely no intention of doing so. You know the sort, 'oh yes, I'd love to come to Paris for the weekend, I'm just a bit short of cash this month, do you mind covering my half and I'll pay you back?' only to never do so. Continually.

Snoken · 26/01/2025 09:50

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat that's true. It could also extend to things like the car needs replacing but he can't afford to pay half for a half-decent second hand car and says he is fine to live without one for a year but OP isn't so ends up paying for the whole thing. Or OP wants to replace the sofa because it's worn out but he won't be able to afford to pay half for it so either they live with a shabby sofa or OP pays for it. OP will always have to either go without, compromise on quality or pay for it herself.

I think financial equality is super important when it's not a marriage with joint kids etc.

MissDeborah · 26/01/2025 10:33

Something doesn't add up here
He's a teacher -20 years outer London so salary at a minimum would be £48-£53K

He's " lost" 2 properties but actually just didnt invest in them so were they his or not?

He has no disposable income and can barely afford to replace his car?
I'm thinking insolvency or bankruptcy here
It doesn't add up plus his entitled plan to move in with someone who has a property

Tread very carefully Op

Billydavey · 26/01/2025 10:57

I don’t think he’s quite as bad as many posters would have you think

long term job and career which while not highly paid is ok, and he’s in London which is expensive. He’s bought twice but divorce has left him with not a lot (many in that position). He has a pension.

the car, he only spends to his means and doesn’t take out a large loan for something. I thought on here that would be a good thing.

mumsnet seems to see man as provider so it’s no surprise you’re being told he’s worthless. I’d say eyes open but no need to run

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