He’s broke should it matter?

[Whenisitspring]

I’ve been dating someone for just over a year and he’s a lovely man but has hardly any disposable income or solid plans for later life (he’s 54) and his lack of responsibility is putting me off. He’s quite naive when it comes to grown up stuff like finances and pensions and I’m struggling to feel comfortable with it. What does everyone think? He’s kind, considerate, loving, and generous with what he has got but I’m not sure…

Would be deeply unattractive to me

TBH 20 years of superannuation isn’t bad, depending what level of teaching he’s at.

I was expecting to say bin him but this one might not be terminal.

He just told you that you are his retirement plan. Run.

Unless he's planning to take the early retirement option at 55, you appear to be planning at least 14 years into the future. That seems a bit premature! Since you're already having the long-term plans discussion, his retirement plans are very relevant if they involve checking out early. Ask him.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having vague plans. The worrying part is that he says he's building in a partner to share costs. You could tell him you've no intention of living with another partner, perhaps pointing out that it's much easier to get a housing association flat once you're over 60 - I'm in one, having similarly fucked up my own plan with a bad divorce and even worse advice. Someone on a full teaching pension could live quite a nice life like this.

This.
My 20 year old has 20k in savings from part-time jobs.
He knows savings are important.

You will become his retirement plan if you stay.
I would move on.
Retirement has become a lot more expensive that 20 or 30 years ago.
So many professionals in their mid 60's still working as a result.

It depends on if you want to live together or continue to just date.

He is 54 and is a teacher. He has been working in a job paying well above min wage for over 20 years. He has put money into 2 homes with former partners but did not get much money back from this. My feeling is that his former partners got sick of him drifting along.
They may have bought with him thinking that after a certain period of time they get married, have children and meanwhile he was happy to drift along and keep spending.
They probably mentioned getting married/having kid's or get a pension sorted out and he was there thinking he was 25 not 35.

When you asked him about where he live at retirement age he said he live with someone and split the costs.

To be honest he is 54 and not 24. Who likes budgeting, saving, paying a mortgage or sorting out a pension but the reality is that as an adult you have to do this. You can't just get to retirement age and expect your partner to house you and split the costs.

His lack of planning is not your problem. He needs to find out about this state pension, his teacher pension and can he buy back years of service to get a higher pension later or pay into a private pension from now.
I would not be staying with him to end up being his purse and possibly his nurse. You already have kids so why do you need to take on a man child like him. I would not be with a man who sees me as a long solution to his lack of house crisis. Also when you get to retirement age you want to be with a man who can afford to go on holidays ect without you paying all the costs.

Meanwhile you have kids still living at home in your house. You could sell this house at a later date, but something smaller and have money left to help you out at retirement age and beyond.

I would end things with him and move on without a second thought

He is 54 and is a teacher. He has been working in a job paying well above min wage for over 20 years. He has put money into 2 homes with former partners but did not get much money back from this. My feeling is that his former partners got sick of him drifting along.
They may have bought with him thinking that after a certain period of time they get married, have children and meanwhile he was happy to drift along and keep spending.
They probably mentioned getting married/having kid's or get a pension sorted out and he was there thinking he was 25 not 35.

When you asked him about where he live at retirement age he said he live with someone and split the costs.

To be honest he is 54 and not 24. Who likes budgeting, saving, paying a mortgage or sorting out a pension but the reality is that as an adult you have to do this. You can't just get to retirement age and expect your partner to house you and split the costs.

His lack of planning is not your problem. He needs to find out about this state pension, his teacher pension and can he buy back years of service to get a higher pension later or pay into a private pension from now.
I would not be staying with him to end up being his purse and possibly his nurse. You already have kids so why do you need to take on a man child like him. I would not be with a man who sees me as a long solution to his lack of house crisis. Also when you get to retirement age you want to be with a man who can afford to go on holidays ect without you paying all the costs.

Meanwhile you have kids still living at home in your house. You could sell this house at a later date, but something smaller and have money left to help you out at retirement age and beyond.

I would end things with him and move on without a second thought

Why is he so broke? A teacher having worked for 20 years won't be on a bad wage. Does he have a lot of debt?

He does have a pension and a full time job.

No Hes a 54 year old man stuck in teen mode drifting through life
Date if you enjoy his company but do not make up any shortfall in finances or let him move in
He's always expected others to plan his life for him
Don't be the next

Run. He’d take all your money. Hes looking for money, not a person to love.

Doesn't sound appealing to me. Teaching is a stable job though - what's he been doing with his income all this time?

I think he’s just been unlucky
he’s got a career renting on the outskirts of London he’s never going to be able to save a deposit
he’s got a pension
he’s bought property twice but left with little
when split
if he did live with you 1/2 bills NOTHING to house it’s yours and remains 100% yours

there’s a lot of people in the same position as him normally women at 54 he’s never going to be able to buy a house he’d only be able to to get a short term mortgage that ship has sailed

So sad that relationships seem to be mainly based on money. Different if your saying he is a non working leech but your not. Why should it matter that your were in a position to buy a house and he wasn't. Clearly he has his own place and pays his way and works regardless. Thank goodness I went with my heart and literally went for the poor man as you say who worked, rented a flat, paid his bills no debt, didn't leech off me, loved me to bits,treat me right and accepted my first child as his own or I would have missed out on several super happy years based on when I met him I had my own place,car,money, better job and now happily married 4 kids and glad I wasn't shallow.....based on going for the rich guy well that ended in tears as the first marriage all the money in the world didn't stop him beating me up, lying, making gambling debts,stealing off my family, yet to the outside world he was a high flying business man.

Fine for casual dating so long as it's always dutch or taking it in turns to pay. Never get serious with such a man. He wouldn't be a partner but a dependent. See also: cocklodger. Of course it's important. Being financially well balanced and having security for the future takes work. Hooking up with such a person adds to your workload and gives him a free ride. Madness.

He should be looking at putting more money aside. If his rental is in a really expensive location and / or bigger than a studio, that’s the place for him to start. If he’s never going to buy, fine. But he should be creating enough of a pension to support himself. Not interested in doing that? He’s probably not going to be a keeper. It can be uncomfortable ensuing you are comfortable in later life.

When I asked him about where he'd live when he's retired and not working to pay his rent he said he'd always planned on living with someone so the cost of living would be halved.

ie “I’ll settle for any old woman, who will look after to me when I have to retire”

I don't think it's shallow. I think when you are in your 50s and 60s and dating you have to realise that what you see is what you get and then make a decision on if that is how you see your life too. In your 20s - 30s things are still so changable and there is room to climb up in your career or change careers completely. There is time to make money on housing and there is time to save for your pension.

I'm mid-40s and single and I would not want to be with somebody who couldn't afford to do things I enjoy. It's not about going for money though, it's about going for someone on the same level financially. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy. It might sound shallow but if I, for example, want to spend my retirement travelling, going out to nice restaurants, taking up sailing or whatever it is then I wouldn't choose to carry on in a relationship with somebody who can't do these things. Regardless of how lovely they are.

Not having to worry about being able to replace a broken boiler, a car that won't start or a roof leaking because you can't afford to fix it is another thing that is worth a lot.

I have already had the long marriage, I have already done all the compromising, there comes a time when we have to put our own needs first, however trivial they may seem to others.

I think if you altered the sexes here and had a financially astute bloke and a 'living hand to mouth' woman, you'd possibly hear different responses.

I need someone who is savvy with money because I don't wish to finance their retirement. I've planned and saved for mine and my family. I don't want or need their money.

If you are happy to live separately and date, this could work unless his finances restrict your lifestyle. It does sound like his life plan requires living with someone through.

His attitude to money and yours are different. Not wrong but different. Money is the cause of many divorces

@Whenisitspring

Tell him you enjoy his company immensely and think that he is lovely. Then tell him that you have decided that you will never marry nor cohabit again but are happy to continue the relationship on an exclusively 'together apart' basis.

Watch him run.

As a teacher and renting on outskirts of London he is fully aware he won't be able to afford a house. It doesn't mean he's not worried about his future but what do you expect him to say? That he will be homeless or buy a house he can't afford?
I'm not a home owner but I hate the stereotype that this fact makes me less financially solvent or hardworking.

I know many people who are not good with money at all and who haven't worked full time for years yet they still have a house because they had help of the partner, inheritance and more stability etc.

Anywhere near London buying a house as a single person with no extra support on teacher's salary is very hard and rent doesn't leave people with much disposable income.

By all means you don't have to date him if you're not on the similar level financially.

This. If you really love someone though and after a decent length of time, you share.

Wanna get with me with no money, oh no I don't want no.....

It's already making you uncomfortable op. As pps say you could still date him and make it clear you will never marry or cohabit, but you've got to decide if that's what you want. And holding those boundaries would be harder and harder as time went on and you may end up resentful anyway.

Is he still teaching?