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Original poster

Hubby doesn’t want to celebrate 40th Birthday

105 replies

AnonymousMumWife · 25/01/2025 09:55

My husband turns 40 tomorrow. He has always hated his birthday - he told me when we first got together that it wasn’t anything he ever celebrated. I respected it but it was always something quite alien to me.

Ive always wanted to celebrate him and when children came along, we did a little more celebrating but it was never a huge day.

Tomorrow he turns 40 and he has categorically told me and my/his family that he isn’t celebrating or even acknowledging the day. He doesn’t want presents, cards, happy birthdays…nothing.

We had quite a large argument last week that we have even spending these last few days recovering from and I believe part of the issue is that. But does anyone else have a hubby like this? He doesn’t enjoy fuss being made of him, he hates attention so even if this was a “normal” birthday, he wouldn’t have wanted too much fuss.

Im so anxious about how tomorrow is going to go. Our daughter doesn’t quite understand and has prepared a card and made him a gift which he said he will accept. I’ve put his card in the cupboard and don’t plan to give it to him. Am I making this about me as I’m so sad about it and I can’t work out if he is or not!?

Urgh I just want tomorrow over with!

OP posts:
angelopal · 25/01/2025 09:58

My DH doesn't like birthdays. He doesn't like to be centre of attention. He will accept presents but would not be fussed if I didn't get him anything. I get him a cake but that is more for the kids than him.

Think you just have to respect his wishes on this.

Chamomileteaplease · 25/01/2025 10:01

Well yes it is very unusual but surely you have to respect his wishes? It's his life and his birthday after all.

I hope he is happy to do it your way though when it comes to your and your child's birthdays.

Regarding tomorrow, yes a massive elephant in the room, but if he wants just a normal day, I would do that.

DanceMumTaxi · 25/01/2025 10:03

I don’t like my birthday either. I always feel really strange on the day (sort of upset/tearful) but for no real reason, or not one I can explain anyway. I hate a fuss being made of me and would happily never celebrate it again, just let it pass by. For my 40th everyone said I ‘had’ to do something so in the end I went out for Sunday lunch with dh and the kids. I do like other people’s birthdays though and will happily celebrate them.

CoffeeCueen · 25/01/2025 10:03

I force mil and dh to celebrate a tiny bit and accept token gifts, as I think it’s very important our kids see a) it’s a way to appreciate someone and be thoughtful b) otherwise life becomes overly kid-centric.

Little kids love celebrating birthdays. And teens need the reminder that life isn’t entirely about them, in my opinion. I like looking back on photos with the kids, and we usually take photos of the occasion so that’s another reason to do it, I love looking at photos of my late mum’s 70th and 80th surrounded by grandkids and happiness.

i think it’s disappointing to miss the opportunity to celebrate but you can’t really force someone.

Mindymomo · 25/01/2025 10:04

My DH isn’t bothered either way. For my 40th he booked me a surprise 2 nights at the Ritz with theatre and cinema bookings and dinner at The Ivy. He’s told me on many occasions he would never want a party, but is happy with a meal out, with DC, but I’m not to tell restaurant. In fact he’s not that bothered with cards, same with Christmas and don’t get me started on Valentines Day, he hates it with a passion.

CoffeeCueen · 25/01/2025 10:05

To add - for my dh’s 40th my dc made a special pop up card and wrote out 40 reasons they love their dad. It was their idea not mine.

Dh said “oh thanks” looked baffled and I rescued it from the bin a week later. I kept it.

poemsandwine · 25/01/2025 10:05

Just keep respecting his wishes? Why is that so difficult? He isn't rejecting your daughter's gift. Or you. This isn't a rejection of you. He just doesn't want to celebrate his birthday. I don't see the problem, honestly.

BeaAndBen · 25/01/2025 10:06

Yes, you be are making it about you. It’s his birthday - perhaps your gift could be respecting his wishes and ignoring it.

Duckingella · 25/01/2025 10:06

So you've posted again but left out all the abusive parts then.

I take it you lost money on that hotel.

Brefugee · 25/01/2025 10:06

Am I making this about me as I’m so sad about it and I can’t work out if he is or not!?

The best gift would be to respect his wishes and stop making it about you

Tamboureeny · 25/01/2025 10:06

What's the issue? He has been open and honest about what he wants and is happy to have the card and gift from DD (the only reason I could think to have an issue is if it would upset her).

Wishboneswishes · 25/01/2025 10:06

My DH is the same! Just how he is. No biggie OP just respect his wishes. You are thinking about what you would like to do which is also perfectly normal! Hope you manage to have a lovely day together whatever you do.

lopyrs · 25/01/2025 10:06

OP you're being very over the top, you're feeling "anxious"? He doesn't want to celebrate, that's up to him, he will accept the card and present and move on with the day.

I understand it must be difficult if you want to celebrate your own birthday if he puts in minimal effort, but this seems a lot of unnecessary stress over someone else's birthday.

Your daughter will grow up to understand dad didn't like birthdays, but can learn to celebrate them through you. No biggie.

InkHeart2024 · 25/01/2025 10:06

You're making it about you.
If you want to buy him a gift then do so and give it to him on a random day. Bin the card. Stop trying to force your idea of celebrating on him.

crystallina · 25/01/2025 10:08

Duckingella · 25/01/2025 10:06

So you've posted again but left out all the abusive parts then.

I take it you lost money on that hotel.

??

Duckingella · 25/01/2025 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lopyrs · 25/01/2025 10:12

@Duckingella come on that's mean, she named changed, no need to do that.

dunroamingfornow · 25/01/2025 10:14

I never celebrate my birthday and resent the pressure people put on me to do so. He told you his view on this when you first met. YABVU to make this about you.

TwistedWonder · 25/01/2025 10:14

I don’t really bother with birthdays and it used to really piss me off when people tried to force it upon me because it’s what they thought I should be doing.

It’s his choice OP it’s not about you. Let him do what’s right for him and stop being dramatic.

Original poster
AnonymousMumWife · 25/01/2025 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Not me. But if it was, that’s a pretty crappy thing to do to someone who is genuinely looking for advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonymousMumWife · 25/01/2025 10:17

Not trying to be dramatic and make it about me. Birthdays have always been a big thing in my family so I needed reassurance that this was no big deal. Which from the sounds of it, it’s not. So I will of course respect his wishes and go with the flow tomorrow.

with regards to the other ladies post, that’s not me. Coincidence in a few circumstances but even if it was my post, to someone out on it is a pretty crappy thing to do. If you don’t like it, scroll on by. Lets support each other :)

OP posts:
obsessedwithfreshbread · 25/01/2025 10:22

It's not that's he's sprung this on you as he turns 40.. he's told you that he's always felt this way, leave him be.
I don't celebrate my birthday, If I get cards from family and I put them to one side and they go in the recycling at the end of the day.

Why are you trying to force him into celebrating? Getting your daughter involved feels like you are trying to guilt him into your way of thinking

IsoldeWagner · 25/01/2025 10:26

I don't understand why you don't respect his wishes. His choice. He's not hurting you or the children?
In all honesty, celebrating 40th is a fairly recent thing. This is where people will come on and contractict me, but neither me, my husband or my siblings ever had a special celebration for this.
Just leave him be.

IsoldeWagner · 25/01/2025 10:27

poemsandwine · 25/01/2025 10:05

Just keep respecting his wishes? Why is that so difficult? He isn't rejecting your daughter's gift. Or you. This isn't a rejection of you. He just doesn't want to celebrate his birthday. I don't see the problem, honestly.

This ⬆️

McSpoot · 25/01/2025 10:30

CoffeeCueen · 25/01/2025 10:03

I force mil and dh to celebrate a tiny bit and accept token gifts, as I think it’s very important our kids see a) it’s a way to appreciate someone and be thoughtful b) otherwise life becomes overly kid-centric.

Little kids love celebrating birthdays. And teens need the reminder that life isn’t entirely about them, in my opinion. I like looking back on photos with the kids, and we usually take photos of the occasion so that’s another reason to do it, I love looking at photos of my late mum’s 70th and 80th surrounded by grandkids and happiness.

i think it’s disappointing to miss the opportunity to celebrate but you can’t really force someone.

How is forcing people to do things that they don’t want to do either thoughtful or showing your appreciation of them?

Nothing in your explanation is about them. It’s all about why it’s good for you (or you think it’s good for your kids - ironically since your second explanation is that otherwise life is too child centric but then your justification is that little kids like to give presents).