Hubby doesn’t want to celebrate 40th Birthday

[AnonymousMumWife]

My husband turns 40 tomorrow. He has always hated his birthday - he told me when we first got together that it wasn’t anything he ever celebrated. I respected it but it was always something quite alien to me.

Ive always wanted to celebrate him and when children came along, we did a little more celebrating but it was never a huge day.

Tomorrow he turns 40 and he has categorically told me and my/his family that he isn’t celebrating or even acknowledging the day. He doesn’t want presents, cards, happy birthdays…nothing.

We had quite a large argument last week that we have even spending these last few days recovering from and I believe part of the issue is that. But does anyone else have a hubby like this? He doesn’t enjoy fuss being made of him, he hates attention so even if this was a “normal” birthday, he wouldn’t have wanted too much fuss.

Im so anxious about how tomorrow is going to go. Our daughter doesn’t quite understand and has prepared a card and made him a gift which he said he will accept. I’ve put his card in the cupboard and don’t plan to give it to him. Am I making this about me as I’m so sad about it and I can’t work out if he is or not!?

Urgh I just want tomorrow over with!

Does he treat your birthday the way you want him to? If so why can't you do the same for him?

He doesn't want a big celebration and that's fine.

You OP, you, are about to completely spoil the day even if it was just a completely ordinary Saturday, by being in an arse that YOU couldn’t do what YOU wanted to do for HIS birthday

Im so anxious about how tomorrow is going to go.

you need to seek some support for this op

If he respects your wishes for how your birthday is celebrated you should respect his too.

In a way I admire him for not wanting the nonsense designed to get people to spend more that are called 'big' birthdays (all are usually 24 hours) or 'milestone' birthdays.

Wow! I thought Mumsnet would be a nice place to come to get some solidarity but instead I’ve come here, written my first feed and basically been called a Narcissist!!

you should be ashamed of yourselves. Hope you feel good about yourselves that you’ve bullied someone away. And looking at the other post another person accused me of writing, it looks like you did the same to her.

My 50th a takeaway was good enough for me.

My DH doesn't celebrate either, most people, even good friends, don't know when it is.
This year he got 4 cards (my DM, me, his DS, his exW) they didn't go up :-). I was allowed to pay for dinner. It is just how he is and whilst my family think it's odd we accept it as part of him.

My DH doesn't like to celebrate his birthday either. I used to try and organise things. For example, on his 30th I arranged for some friends to meet us in the pub as a surprise (we'd been together 4 years by then). He wasn't annoyed, but he wasn't enthusiastic either. Happy to have a drink with friends, not arsed that it was because it was his birthday. That was 9 years ago now. Over the years I've gradually fizzled out bothering to get him gifts and cards as he's genuinely not interested. It saves me money and time I suppose! I won't see him on his birthday this year as he's away with work, and I have no plans to organise anything for his 40th next year. His choice, no skin off my nose.

I think you just need to let it go. Let your child give a card/gift from them and otherwise save your money. It's really not that big a deal for you and it shouldn't be causing you this much anxiety.

I don't think people should be ashamed of themselves for saying someone shouldn't be forced into doing something for their birthday if they don't want to.

The irony

Be Nice to your own husband OP then worry about mumsnet

Yes, it was my partner's 50th last week and he was the same ( always is but this was the first time I listened). He said it was the best birthday ever! We went to Robert Dyas and had a Greggs steak bake! Chinese for tea

Is it a fear of ageing? A reminder of a fear of growing up from childhood?

I don't like ageing, but I really like friends, prosecco and cake :)

My late OH was the same, he hated being the centre of attention and having a fuss made of him.

Usually I'd just buy some extra nice food to cook for dinner and we'd watch a film or something cuddled on the sofa. His last birthday was his 60th and we binge watched good omens while munching through an ungodly amount of cheese. I "bought myself" a copy of Baldur's Gate 3 knowing he'd love it and would play it as a sneaky gift.

He was better about celebrating Xmas and our anniversary where the attention was more shared and less focused on him. I know he didn't have any regrets about "missing out" and this was what made him happiest so I went along with it without arguing and shut down any family who tried to override it.

I get you OP.

It's fine to not want a fuss, but being weird about people not even being allowed to acknowledge the day, give a card, etc, is creating a fuss of its own.

The example above of the DC making a lovely heartfelt card and their dad throwing it in the bin is just horrible. I think adults like this frankly need to get over themselves.

You haven’t been bullied don’t be ridiculous.

Basically people have offered opinions that don’t agree with you and you don’t like it.

Thos isn’t a place to only starts threads for nothing but validation

OP, nobody is "bullying you". Disagreement is not bullying. Most people's responses are measured. If you came on expecting "solidarity", does that mean agreement? Do people have to completely agree with your point of view?
Listen to the good advice on here. Listen to your husband. Let it be.

Sounds excellent!

Why on earth are you making such a big deal about it?

He doesn’t want to celebrate it, so don’t.

It’s pretty simple really.

This is very sad 😞
your poor dc! Not wanting to celebrate your birthday is once thing but you should accept gifts with grace especially when kids have put a lot of thought in

He accepted it. I don't think he threw it away in front of them?

I’m sorry what??

your DC made a special card for their dad listing 40 reasons why they love him and he just chucked it away??

that is next level cold - is he actually Vulcan??

My uncle turned 70 not long ago, and without realising I'd arranged a family dinner for that day to celebrate my parents lives (they didn't have traditional funerals, he was mums brother). He messaged to say could I absolutely guarantee this wasn't a "surprise" party for him, which of course I did. I bought him gifts that I placed under his chair and after we'd raised a toast to my parents, we wished mum's baby brother a happy 70th, which he was happy with.

What an insane overreaction to people disagreeing with you.

Just let your "hubby" choose what he wants to do.
He's an adult, presumably.