Hubby doesn’t want to celebrate 40th Birthday

[AnonymousMumWife]

My husband turns 40 tomorrow. He has always hated his birthday - he told me when we first got together that it wasn’t anything he ever celebrated. I respected it but it was always something quite alien to me.

Ive always wanted to celebrate him and when children came along, we did a little more celebrating but it was never a huge day.

Tomorrow he turns 40 and he has categorically told me and my/his family that he isn’t celebrating or even acknowledging the day. He doesn’t want presents, cards, happy birthdays…nothing.

We had quite a large argument last week that we have even spending these last few days recovering from and I believe part of the issue is that. But does anyone else have a hubby like this? He doesn’t enjoy fuss being made of him, he hates attention so even if this was a “normal” birthday, he wouldn’t have wanted too much fuss.

Im so anxious about how tomorrow is going to go. Our daughter doesn’t quite understand and has prepared a card and made him a gift which he said he will accept. I’ve put his card in the cupboard and don’t plan to give it to him. Am I making this about me as I’m so sad about it and I can’t work out if he is or not!?

Urgh I just want tomorrow over with!

I think we can see why a simple conversation has left to a week of atmosphere in their house. Bizarre

I don't really like birthday celebrations either and am happy with the minimum of fuss. I did let DH & kids organise some low key things for my 40th even though I would have preferred not to because I recognised it was important for them to do something. Some people, often men, are less willing to flex a bit for the sake of other people.

So neither of you ABU really but I recognise it's a shame he won't let his DW and kids make a small gesture towards the day.

He said "ok thanks" and forgot about it, which is incredibly dismissive. What a shit reaction for the poor child.

My DH doesn't like celebrating his birthday and would prefer we do nothing. But will accept cards and presents as he's now realised it's quite nice. We will just go out for dinner together, but it's an excuse for me really to go out! He isn't bothered at all.

However he has said he would always celebrate our children (when we have them) and would never reject cards or presents from them. It's his hang up because his mum didn't like birthdays and he doesn't want it to be generational thing passed on to them. So if they see him refusing every mention of it they'll feel weird celebrating their own. If they naturally don't like being made a fuss of, we wouldn't force them - best to offer the choice.

I, on the other hand hate parties and being centre of attention in a big group but like going out to dinner with DH, and 3 of my best friends and partners. I'm wondering whether to make an exception for my own 40th but the stress of organising puts me off.

My query was really wondering if he did that in front of the children, ie put it in the recycling

It's certainly clarified the situation somewhat.

I have always hated my birthday. I’ll be forty this year and I feel more strongly about this one than ever.
I wouldn’t say I have a fear of ageing. I’m not wild about the prospect but I’m fairly pragmatic about it compared to a lot of people I know.
I’m quite down about turning forty though and don’t see any reason to celebrate the occasion. I’d rather just not think about it.

I would be so angry if someone was trying to make me celebrate a birthday or anniversary as I have never done either. If they were to get upset then that's their problem not mine. Team dh.

Why would you need 'solidarity' because your husband doesn't want to celebrate his birthday?

Presumably he's always been the same so you've had plenty of time to acclimate.

I hate birthdays .Husband loves celebrating his . You need to respect your partners wishes everyone is different

OP not everyone enjoys the same things as you. You are not being bullied at all, this is an open forum for discussion and all points of view. There is no need to get offended when peeps offer their opinions.

I hate my birthday and would be annoyed if people didn’t respect that all I want is to stay home and have a normal day / evening.

I don’t like cake, Prosecco or being expected to be Super Happy because it’s my birthday.

Respect your husbands wishes.

I'm not a celebrater of occasions either , last party of anything for me I was probably aged about 8 .
Didn't have a party at 18 , 21 , engagement , had a quiet wedding so didn't have to wear a wedding dress nor have a reception party .
Have I missed out ? Not through my eyes .

?

It’s his day OP and if he doesn’t want to celebrate you need to respect that. At best you’ll make him uncomfortable, at worst you’ll be triggering something in him.

Does he make a fuss for your birthday OP, as he knows you do like to celebrate?

That’s entirely up to him.

I think your child's wishes should come first. If she wants to get him a gift or make him something she should be able to. Then it's his wishes. If he genuinely doesn't want anything respect that. Ask if there's something you can do like offer him a lay in/ day of relaxation/favourite meal etc

Jesus this place is full of unhappy people. 😬 find a better way to get your jollies than kicking a person down.

Unfortunately OP you are sounding a bit on the narcissistic spectrum here. He doesn't want a birthday and has said this well in advance. You are clearly worried that he'll turn around and say why didn't I get a birthday celebration. But he won't do that because he has already clearly communicated his need or lack of. Just chill out and give the man some peace.

I'm female 57 amd not keen on a big fuss either. I'd rather others were happy enough on theirs.
My children find it hard so I usually find a way of being away alone on my birthday so I don't get the cake and gifts and fuss.
This year I'm staying within an Abbey..can't wait.

If someone ignored me and made a massive fuss. I'd be polite but equally remind them please don't do that again.

It's not that unusual. Just as there are people who love to celebrate every birthday, there are those who don't. I'm one of those. I put on a 'face' but can't wait for the day to be over.

Your husband has said that he'll accept a card/gift from his daughter so that's ok. Leave your card where he can see it and, if he doesn't open it or engage, don't do that again.

That said, if you like to celebrate your birthdays, he should be making the effort to do that, every year - for you and your child.

Sorry, missed that you won't give him your card. That's exactly the right thing to do. Not worth an argument, let him be. As long as he does right by his daughter and allows her to make a fuss, that's ok in my book.

Your poor husband, OP - I am totally with him. I'll be 60 this year, and I have already planned to spend it alone and away from home, so there will be no "celebrating".

Marking one's own birthday is just excruciatingly embarrassing. If other people want a fuss on their birthdays, that's fine and I will go along with it, send presents, cards etc. But some of us just hate all of that, so why can't people respect our wishes? We're not "being miserable", we're just making a different choice. Why is that so hard to understand?

Wondering if I know you as I have a male relative who is the same as you describe. I used to find it sad but have now just accepted he doesn’t want to acknowledge it any more that he needs to, but that’s basically for his kids sake.
Ive often wondered if he has a secret underlying desire to actually be made a fuss of, but he thinks nobody cares enough but now I really don’t think it is that. He just hates it.

It’s a shame to me, but his choice. I’m always glad when the day has passed though and don’t have to worry about it for another year.