Hubby doesn’t want to celebrate 40th Birthday

[AnonymousMumWife]

My husband turns 40 tomorrow. He has always hated his birthday - he told me when we first got together that it wasn’t anything he ever celebrated. I respected it but it was always something quite alien to me.

Ive always wanted to celebrate him and when children came along, we did a little more celebrating but it was never a huge day.

Tomorrow he turns 40 and he has categorically told me and my/his family that he isn’t celebrating or even acknowledging the day. He doesn’t want presents, cards, happy birthdays…nothing.

We had quite a large argument last week that we have even spending these last few days recovering from and I believe part of the issue is that. But does anyone else have a hubby like this? He doesn’t enjoy fuss being made of him, he hates attention so even if this was a “normal” birthday, he wouldn’t have wanted too much fuss.

Im so anxious about how tomorrow is going to go. Our daughter doesn’t quite understand and has prepared a card and made him a gift which he said he will accept. I’ve put his card in the cupboard and don’t plan to give it to him. Am I making this about me as I’m so sad about it and I can’t work out if he is or not!?

Urgh I just want tomorrow over with!

I’d be disappointed if my family forgot my bday (they don't) but I’m happy not having a big fuss.

Okay so I turned 40 between Christmas and New Years and we went away on a trip with the kids. I also had a few drinks on new years eve with close family and friends to celebrate. Hubby turns 40 next month and we are also going away. He has no intention of celebrating it with anyone else but is heading away with some friends later in the year. We both got to do our own thing. It's not up to me to decide now he celebrates or vice versa. We support each other and our differences. There's no way it should cause anxiety for you though. He should graciously accept cards from your kids and then can do what he likes. It is his bday after all.

My dh doesn't like a fuss for his birthday, so I respect his wishes, because I respect him. We've been married for almost 40 years.

OP, his birthday isn't about you or the kids. It's about him. Respect his wishes.

Snap. I feel very very down out of nowhere on my birthday. Nothing to do with getting older. I do try not to „manage“ husband and daughter in terms of presents and telling them not to make a fuss but it’s hard.

I just don’t get birthdays might stem from as a kids it was a card present and a cake with tea and that was it absolutely fine

what enormously enrages me is when people want to make a fuss quite simply I don’t want it don’t get the point at all

No you come here to ask opinions surely and that’s what you got. How were birthdays celebrated when he was a child, were his parents nice to him? If he’s not generally a twat then I would go with what he wants. I do understand you get joy out of testing someone and making their day special but it’s not making his day special in his case.

I'm not one for big parties or over the top celebrations but I do think its good to mark occasions and make the one day of the year different/memorable.

I believe people who don't mark their birthday have had a negative experience previously on their birthday/felt let down and don't want to risk a repeat.

He has made his wishes clear and I would respect that. Not sure what the issue is? Just leave it as a normal day.

I don't "get" birthdays, either. What exactly are we celebrating, apart from breathing in and out for another 365 days? I haven't achieved anything - it's not the same as passing an exam, having a baby, getting a promotion etc, where congratulations are genuinely in order.
I don't care about getting older - that ship has definitely sailed! - but I just can't abide fuss.

How was he as a father otherwise? Because on the basis of this @CoffeeCueen I am concerned you don’t describe him as your ex husband!

To add - for my dh’s 40th my dc made a special pop up card and wrote out 40 reasons they love their dad. It was their idea not mine.
Dh said “oh thanks” looked baffled and I rescued it from the bin a week later. I kept it.

So he was obviously an otherwise wonderful father if
a) the children wanted to do this
b) they had 40 reasons available as to why they loved him!!

My husbandhates birthdays. We have to treat it as an ordinary day and not mention birthdays at all!

So - he bothers about you

Respect that he doesn't want the same

Maybe you're bullying your husband as you're making his birthday about you and what you want/think is right?

It's up to him

I don’t think there’s any “maybe” about it

And if the OP did something for the unwilling husband's birthday he would then have to praise her to the nth degree in the hope she won't be offended. This gives her the option of being super wife or martyr of an ungrateful spouse. Possibly even both! Not wanting a birthday at all is probably his best choice tbf.

There's a lot of me/my/I in there.

Just treat it like other day.

Yes YABU he doesn't celebrate his birthday so why would his 40th be different?
When we first got together my DH told me he thinks cards are pointless and to not buy him one, so I never have.

Oh just fucking ignore it all. Say happy birthday. Have a card ready. Gauge the mood and move on. He doesn't want anything, hold him to his word and reclaim your time.

Not worth your angst. Sometimes refusing to participate is attention seeking too. How many women would suck it up and go through with the entire thing for the good feeling of others? He doesn't want it, leave it. Be free!

I hate celebrating my birthday and I hate when people don’t repent that. I absolutely love celebrating anyone else’s birthday id that’s what they want to do. I have reasons I don’t want to really acknowledge my birthday and i hate having to constantly to ask for that to be respected… it just feels like a dancy person at a party trying to pull me onto the dance floor all night when I don’t want to dance. Could you not just let him be him?

Sorry, but I am with your DH. I haven't celebrated a birthday since 1969 and never want to again.

I don't like birthdays, I go for experiences instead so tend to arrange something but without it actually being birthday celebration directed at me or drawing attention to me eg my 40th we went on holiday but didn't broadcast it as anything other than a holiday, not a big 40th trip etc

I don’t understand anyone who doesn’t want to celebrate or even acknowledge their birthday. Having a birthday and growing older is a privilege that some people don’t get.

dh isn’t that fussed about his birthday but I make an effort for the kids, my mum and also his birthday and in return he has begun to make more of a fuss of my birthday.

birthdays were never a big thing in his family growing up whereas they were in my family so I think we’ve reached a compromise celebrate birthdays.

You don't have to understand it. Getting older is something that people do until they die. Birthday celebrations - or not - are up to the individual.

It's good that you've reached a compromise in your relationship; I agree about not making kids subject to not being involved, they wouldn't understand no-fuss and shouldn't have to.