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Original poster

My birthday is on Tuesday and he hasn't mentioned any plans

81 replies

Sundaycoffee · 22/01/2025 15:04

Do I have a right to be annoyed or are my expectations too high?
We have been together for just over 6 months and I have already set aside a date for his birthday plans with him that falls the week after mine. He definitely knows when it is.
So far he hasn't asked me to save any date for mine. I already have plans next Friday for my friends birthday night out so this is off the table and I guess I just feel a bit put out that my friends and family are asking to see me on various days next week to celebrate but he's said nothing.
If I were to accept or make plans with every friend or family member that has asked to see me around my birthday I would already be totally booked up all week and he wouldn't see me.

I've been holding off on the hope that he might mention something but now I just feel like should I just go ahead and make all these other plans?
Or do I say to him....erm it's my birthday next week, are we gonna do anything?

OP posts:

butterfly1234 · 22/01/2025 15:23

Why don't you tell him that you'd like to spend your birthday with him and what you'd like to do? Otherwise, just make plans with all your family and friends who are asking to.

BlondeMamaToBe · 22/01/2025 15:27

Birthdays aren’t a big deal to some. He can’t mind read so instead of expecting him to make plans invite him to do something.

Needmorelego · 22/01/2025 15:33

Your last sentence pretty much says what you need to do.
"It's my birthday next, are we going to do anything".
Just say that.
Or even better "It's my birthday next week, I'd really like to celebrate by doing.....".
To me this is very normal conversations to be having when you are in a relationship with someone - not hoping that they have mind reading skills.

gannett · 22/01/2025 15:54

it's my birthday next week, are we gonna do anything?

I don't understand why you haven't said this already, if you want to do something with him for your birthday. I also wouldn't have hesitated to make plans with people who are suggesting things.

I'm not one of those posters who thinks birthdays are only for children but as adults it's on us to make our own birthday celebrations happen, if we want them.

EmeraldRoulette · 22/01/2025 16:00

ganett "I'm not one of those posters who thinks birthdays are only for children but as adults it's on us to make our own birthday celebrations happen, if we want them."

this is clearly the prevailing view on MN and possibly in the real world.

I know how you feel OP. He has the information and you think that's enough to get a boyfriend to either do or buy something. I agree. Sadly, I think IRL people don't care much about birthdays now. So we both have to adjust to that. You might get nothing.

it feels pretty pointless to me to say "I want x" but I think that's where things are now.

take up the offers you have.

krne · 22/01/2025 20:57

We are birthday twins 🥳
My DH of 25 will probably ask me at 5pm on the day if I want to go out for dinner 🤣
Just tell him if you'd like to do something with him. He maybe doesn't feel that birthday's are as important as you do, I know that's the case with my DH.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 23/01/2025 06:46

He's probably expecting an adult to make their own arrangements.

Some people don't make a big deal about birthdays. Just book something and invite him along. Although you're expecting him to pay too aren't you?

Sceptical123 · 23/01/2025 06:51

krne · 22/01/2025 20:57

Birthday triplets 🥳

SallyWD · 23/01/2025 06:53

I don't understand why you expect him to make plans for your birthday. Just tell him what you want to do, surely? This is what I do with DH.

Irvinesv · 23/01/2025 07:00

Maybe he’s expecting you to tell him what you want to do? Don’t assume that it’s the norm for him to make plans for a partners birthday, he may be used to doing things differently and that doesn’t mean he cares for you any less. Have a conversation about it rather than setting yourself up to be disappointed

jubs15 · 23/01/2025 07:00

Does he know you've had all these invitations/prior plans? If so, maybe he's feeling like there's no room for him and doesn't want to upset you by saying so. If not, accept whichever invitations you want so you don't end up doing nothing. If he won't be spending your birthday with you it will be because of poor planning/lack of communication on his part.

Sceptical123 · 23/01/2025 07:02

I understand wanting him to take the initiative as it proves he cares enough to want to do that for you, does he know the actual date? It’s a cliche but men are notorious for not attaching significance to birthdays, even ppl in their close family, and usually don’t bother making a note in the diary. Not all men and some women too. It’s probably worth bringing it up or mentioning that these ppl have invited you to do stuff with them. He’s then likely to think about what he wants to do and try to arrange something, if he doesn’t then that’s on him.

He can’t then be upset if you’re not available when he been given a heads up and chosen to be passive about it. I wouldn’t arrange stuff without letting him know as he may be planning to surprise you or expecting you’d be spending time with him as a given and feel it’s a deliberate move to arrange with everyone but him - having said that, he should pull his finger out. 6 months is a pretty short span tho tbh, very early days still, he may feel your friends and family take precedence so you’d have to tell him you expect to celebrate with him too. You know him better than us OP. Hope he doesn’t disappoint

AirborneElephant · 23/01/2025 07:02

Six months? I think you’re expecting him to be a mind reader here, and need to have a chat about expectations around birthdays and special occasions. You clearly want people to make a fuss and make arrangements for you, which is fine. But most people at that stage of a relationship would expect the birthday person to make plans for themselves and invite or not invite people as they wish. He may be feeling hurt you haven’t invited him to come!

Now if he completely ignores it, doesn’t get a card or present or anything at all the yeah, he’s possibly not that into you sadly.

bifurCAT · 23/01/2025 07:04

Just beware that of you push, he might say yes and it will spoil any surprise.

A surprise you have no idea is coming is way better than a "he told me to be ready at 6" sort of thing.

bebopalula111 · 23/01/2025 07:14

You've been together 6 months and not yet celebrated a birthday together.

Men are not mind readers and just because you've mastered plans for his does not mean he'll mirror this forward planning and do the same. In fact I'll put money on him thinking it can be a double celebration 🥳

Aside to that stop holding off accepting invites from friends and family who've known you a long time. It's really not a positive attribute to be one of those who stay at home or not accept invites in case their boyfriend/girlfriend wants to go out with them.

Everything0Everywhere · 23/01/2025 07:17

Yes, just have a conversation and explain you want to do something. I think that is pretty normal.

InJadeHedgehog · 23/01/2025 07:22

I don’t think this is his job.
You’ve only been together 6 months.
When I was younger, I always decided what I wanted to do for my birthday and then invited the people I wanted to come.
That is the standard among people I know. Occasional surprise parties for ‘big’ birthdays are the only thing ever arranged by someone else.
Now, my birthdays are celebrated by me saying to DH it’s my birthday I don’t want to cook let’s order a curry.

Rowgtfc72 · 23/01/2025 07:32

My birthday is also next Tuesday. Dh is on 12 hr shifts. I'm hoping he remembers eventually!

Eenameenadeeka · 23/01/2025 07:46

Just ask him?
It's a new relationship and the first time celebrating birthdays together, everyone is different but all the adults I know make the plans for their birthday themselves so he might be waiting to see what you want to plan? I definitely don't think it's anything to be upset with him over just ask him to do whatever it is you want to do for your birthday.

RedRiverShore5 · 23/01/2025 07:48

You have to say about, I never celebrate mine so wouldn't expect it to be important to others

Firefly100 · 23/01/2025 08:01

I would match his energy. I’d say yes to the alternative plans on offer and then my next step would depend on what he actually did for my birthday. If he did nothing, shortly after my birthday I would cancel the reserved date you had for his birthday with the honest explanation that you love to celebrate birthdays but are not going to make an effort given he didn’t.
If he leaves it to the day before or so and then says ‘so shall we go out for a meal’ or something like that, I would say sorry too late already made plans (and include him in them if reasonable). I might then keep the date for his and make a similar low key effort on the date reserved for him.

Rachmorr57 · 23/01/2025 08:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SallyWD · 23/01/2025 08:12

Its a very strange idea to me that someone passively waits for another person to make plans for their birthday. I've never done this and I don't know anyone else who does this.
Usually a couple of weeks before my birthday I'll say to DH something like "Oh I fancy going to X for my birthday." And then that's what we do. If I'm celebrating with friends I arrange something and then invite them along.
Never in my life have I heard of someone just silently waiting for another person to plan something.

frozendaisy · 23/01/2025 08:41

See what he does
Then do similar for his if you are still together
If he doesn’t care about birthdays, which includes his own, but you do, you might have to accept that is one way you differ.

My H was never great at presents or organising anything to do with birthdays, but would pay and do anything I wanted for his and my birthdays. Which is fine by me, he has umpteen other amazing qualities so this wasn’t a deal breaker.

You have been together a handful of months, perhaps he is testing the water to see how little effort you will put up with? Who knows?

If it’s important to you and he’s never going to step up then you need to think if this will work long term.

Wait and see basically.

crumblingschools · 23/01/2025 08:44

Just talk to him, about your birthday and about his too, he may have plans for both

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