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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My birthday is on Tuesday and he hasn't mentioned any plans

81 replies

Sundaycoffee · 22/01/2025 15:04

Do I have a right to be annoyed or are my expectations too high?
We have been together for just over 6 months and I have already set aside a date for his birthday plans with him that falls the week after mine. He definitely knows when it is.
So far he hasn't asked me to save any date for mine. I already have plans next Friday for my friends birthday night out so this is off the table and I guess I just feel a bit put out that my friends and family are asking to see me on various days next week to celebrate but he's said nothing.
If I were to accept or make plans with every friend or family member that has asked to see me around my birthday I would already be totally booked up all week and he wouldn't see me.

I've been holding off on the hope that he might mention something but now I just feel like should I just go ahead and make all these other plans?
Or do I say to him....erm it's my birthday next week, are we gonna do anything?

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 23/01/2025 08:45

I wouldn't expect to be organising birthday stuff for someone I'd been seeing for 6 months, that's weird. I'd get them a card and a modest present but I'd expect them to determine how they want to spend their birthday and invite me to anything they wanted me to be at.

modernshmodern · 23/01/2025 09:24

With dh and I , either he will ask me if I want to do something or I will say do you fancy doing xyz for my birthday.

I wouldn't assume he would organise something and especially not a few months into dating. Just have a chat about your upcoming birthdays, decide what you want to do and if you are doing gifts/cards .

Not everybody thinks exactly the same way.

Doggymummar · 23/01/2025 09:31

Hmm it's tricky but it's best to organise what you want to do yourself so you're not disappointed. Six months is a tricky time. But you've just had Christmas so take your lead from that. Did he shower you with gifts and take you to lots of parties, or was it more like key? I imagine birthdays will have a similar vibe.

CiderandPosies · 23/01/2025 09:39

Or do I say to him....erm it's my birthday next week, are we gonna do anything?

Yes.

Why are you being passive (aggressive) on this?

If you want something to happen, ask for it.

If you're wanting this man to surprise you and sweep you off to something wonderful, it may happen of course, but it may not.

If I were to accept or make plans with every friend or family member that has asked to see me around my birthday I would already be totally booked up all week and he wouldn't see me.

Why can't you talk to him?

TBH your relationship doesn't sound great. I'd be reconsidering more than just the birthday issue.

Most couples do at least talk about their birthdays!

Lavenderblossoms · 23/01/2025 09:55

If you want to set an expectation, don't expect someone to mind read. Communicate and tell him you'd like to do something for your birthday together.

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 23/01/2025 15:10

Thanks everyone! And happy birthday to those who share a birthday with me!
Those who saying "tell him what you would like to do/ organise it yourself" do you mean in the sense of I say what I want to do and pay for to cover it?
I feel like it's a bit presumptuous saying you would like to go for dinner or a night away somewhere then expect them to pay for it when they haven't offered anything up in the first place?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 23/01/2025 15:20

Would love to just get away for a night with him but I don't really feel like that's something I can just ask for? Am I best just booking a nice hotel and inviting him myself? Though then the following week I would also be then paying for a nice dinner and drinks up in town for his birthday, which I have already booked so the balance seems a bit off there if I'm paying for both birthdays!

OP posts:
glittermittens · 23/01/2025 15:25

Perhaps you should be saying g something like 'looking forward to celebrating your birthday! What are we doing for mine next week, it would be nice to celebrate mine together too'

CiderandPosies · 23/01/2025 15:33

Sundaycoffee · 23/01/2025 15:20

Would love to just get away for a night with him but I don't really feel like that's something I can just ask for? Am I best just booking a nice hotel and inviting him myself? Though then the following week I would also be then paying for a nice dinner and drinks up in town for his birthday, which I have already booked so the balance seems a bit off there if I'm paying for both birthdays!

Hmmm...this seems to be a bit one sided though we don't know the whole story.

No, you can't book dinner and expect him to pay for it! You can book dinner and share the costs if he wants to or, as it's your invite, you should really pay for him. I can't stand people who do birthday dinner invites and expect the guests to pay for themselves.

I think taking him away for the night when he's not even mentioned your birthday is a bit OTT. It could come over as being 'too keen'.

the issue is - do you want to spend your birthday evening with HIM? Or with friends? Or both?

You're only 6 months in- how serious is this? How often do you meet up?

I'd be tempted to plan something with my friends - low key like a drink in a bar or where people can eat or not- and ask him if he wants to come along. He might say he was hoping to see you on your own, in which case you can string your birthday out over several days- friends one night, him another, etc.

strawberry2017 · 23/01/2025 15:45

Sundaycoffee · 23/01/2025 15:20

Would love to just get away for a night with him but I don't really feel like that's something I can just ask for? Am I best just booking a nice hotel and inviting him myself? Though then the following week I would also be then paying for a nice dinner and drinks up in town for his birthday, which I have already booked so the balance seems a bit off there if I'm paying for both birthdays!

Please don't do this. Please do not go overboard on his birthday when to date he's mentioned nothing about yours.
Me personally I would be waiting to see what he does for me and I would be taking serious notes.
Men don't change, we always hope they will but they don't.

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 23/01/2025 15:54

CiderandPosies · 23/01/2025 15:33

Hmmm...this seems to be a bit one sided though we don't know the whole story.

No, you can't book dinner and expect him to pay for it! You can book dinner and share the costs if he wants to or, as it's your invite, you should really pay for him. I can't stand people who do birthday dinner invites and expect the guests to pay for themselves.

I think taking him away for the night when he's not even mentioned your birthday is a bit OTT. It could come over as being 'too keen'.

the issue is - do you want to spend your birthday evening with HIM? Or with friends? Or both?

You're only 6 months in- how serious is this? How often do you meet up?

I'd be tempted to plan something with my friends - low key like a drink in a bar or where people can eat or not- and ask him if he wants to come along. He might say he was hoping to see you on your own, in which case you can string your birthday out over several days- friends one night, him another, etc.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh no I was always going to pay for his dinner. That's my whole point that I probably don't want to pay for both (those saying organise it and invite him along)
It's fairly serious, we spend 4 nights a week together and have done for the past 5 months, met each other's families etc.
I probably wouldn't invite him to a bar with my girlfriends though. Don't think he would enjoy that anyway.
Would prefer to spend it with him but suggesting something and expecting him to pay feels off but as does me paying for my birthday dinner as well as his

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 23/01/2025 15:56

What was the vibe at Christmas? Was he generous? Have you been on holiday?

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 23/01/2025 15:59

Doggymummar · 23/01/2025 15:56

What was the vibe at Christmas? Was he generous? Have you been on holiday?

No, but we both agreed we were happy to do something low key at Christmas. We did a £50 budget and got each other a few bits and pieces.
No holiday yet, we met in July and both had summer holidays booked at that point with other people in sept/oct and haven't really had the chance to go away since then. We have said we will go together this year though

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 23/01/2025 16:04

So you set the expectations for Christmas, I think you need to do the same for the birthdays. As they are close together you could celebrate together,book a table somewhere and invite you friends like a table for twenty ? Or book somewhere fancy for just the two of you and agree a present budget. Do the same for valentine's and noone will be embarrassed at doing nothing whilst the other feels bad because they were extravagant.

Sceptical123 · 23/01/2025 16:48

Doggymummar · 23/01/2025 16:04

So you set the expectations for Christmas, I think you need to do the same for the birthdays. As they are close together you could celebrate together,book a table somewhere and invite you friends like a table for twenty ? Or book somewhere fancy for just the two of you and agree a present budget. Do the same for valentine's and noone will be embarrassed at doing nothing whilst the other feels bad because they were extravagant.

That’s a good idea, celebrate together - cheaper and less awkward in the run up

Boomer55 · 23/01/2025 16:50

6 months? He barely knows you. If you want to do something just ask him/ 🤷‍♀️

SallyWD · 23/01/2025 16:51

Sundaycoffee · 23/01/2025 15:54

Oh no I was always going to pay for his dinner. That's my whole point that I probably don't want to pay for both (those saying organise it and invite him along)
It's fairly serious, we spend 4 nights a week together and have done for the past 5 months, met each other's families etc.
I probably wouldn't invite him to a bar with my girlfriends though. Don't think he would enjoy that anyway.
Would prefer to spend it with him but suggesting something and expecting him to pay feels off but as does me paying for my birthday dinner as well as his

Show quote history

If you're serious and see each other 4 nights a week, I'm puzzled that you can't just talk to him and suggest how you want to celebrate. I'm really confused that you're just passively waiting for him to mention it. If you don't raise the issue yourself, he probably thinks you're not bothered.
I think communication problems are more of an issue than your birthday. How can you be serious if you can't talk to him?

whathaveiforgotten · 23/01/2025 17:17

It seems strange that you spend more than half of the evenings each week together but aren't comfortable enough to say 'I thought we could do xyz for my birthday next week'? Is there a reason you haven't organically done that?

Mentioning it naturally shouldn't be a big deal or something you need to overthink at all!

Do you think you're (perhaps subconsciously) sort of testing him to see if he suggests something or leaves it?

crumblingschools · 23/01/2025 17:55

Does he know what you have planned for him?

jellybe · 23/01/2025 18:11

Make it clear you want to do something by or your birthday.
When I met DH he wasn't big on birthdays but I just made it clear I like to celebrate them (his and mine and now the kids) and make a fuss over the birthday person and that I would like that myself in my birthday. Without fail he has always made my birthday feel special in big and small ways over the years as he knows it is important to me. (He also loves his birthdays now that he has been shown how to do them right 😁)

Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 23/01/2025 19:24

whathaveiforgotten · 23/01/2025 17:17

It seems strange that you spend more than half of the evenings each week together but aren't comfortable enough to say 'I thought we could do xyz for my birthday next week'? Is there a reason you haven't organically done that?

Mentioning it naturally shouldn't be a big deal or something you need to overthink at all!

Do you think you're (perhaps subconsciously) sort of testing him to see if he suggests something or leaves it?

I just feel bad suggesting we do something as it just feel a bit presumptuous saying "I would like you to take me out for dinner for by birthday, please" Maybe I'm overthinking it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 23/01/2025 19:27

crumblingschools · 23/01/2025 17:55

Does he know what you have planned for him?

Yeah planned it 3 weeks ago and he knows I'm taking him out for drinks and dinner and a "fun" activity in London.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sundaycoffee · 23/01/2025 19:29

Sceptical123 · 23/01/2025 16:48

That’s a good idea, celebrate together - cheaper and less awkward in the run up

Show quote history

Yeah probably should have, but his part is all booked now and it feels a bit mean saying "actually that dinner I booked for your birthday and said was on me, let's just go halves on it" 😂

OP posts:
Rachmorr57 · 23/01/2025 19:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ChristmasFluff · 23/01/2025 19:35

Given that you've booked stuff for his birthday, I'd just say to him 'my brithday week is booking up fast - do you want us to do something together one night?'

You don't have to ask for anything, but hopefully it will give him the nudge he seems to need.

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