Would you prefer to know?

[IHateBakedBeans]

Say your DH admitted to an affair, because the OW had made him.

Would you believe his account? Would you ask the ow? Would you want the ow to tell you if he didn't?

I've kept this purposely vague.

Going from a recent thread on here, a wife found out her husband was cheating and the ow sent substantial proof including screen shots and photos. It helped the wife to have the concrete proof to make her decision to end the relationship instead of being gaslit.

Oh that's interesting

I wouldn’t be bothered about the details personally. The fact he admitted to it & the fact the OW exists would be enough for me to walk away. I wouldn’t stay with him anyway so for my own mental health I don’t need to hear every dirty detail from both him and his OW to torment myself with.

If he admitted it, whilst I might want details, I hope I would have the strength to just end it regardless and not give him the chance to lie/gaslight etc. So the proof or ow account wouldn't make any difference.
Edited typos

Why does the detail matter.

An affair is an affair.

Its over.

So these are two friends of mine.

They knew each other.

I don't think she will leave. OW hasn't given details.

I wouldn't give the OW any power by asking her questions. People like this often get a kick by upsetting the wife. Plus, she's not exactly trust worthy, she could say anything she wants if she wants the husband to leave his wife. I personally wouldn't contact her or even reply if she reached out.

I know the ow well. I don't think she'd lie, she's confessed to her husband and told him everything.

If wife is going to stay regardless of details or not just let them get on with it. If it’s early days things might change, wife might become so paranoid he leaves, he might have another and another and another affair.

It might be a catalyst to saving their marriage. Or wife, as long as she keeps the things the marriage gives her, status, money, security, she might be fine not having to shag him, let others do that, one job less!

Who knows OP, stay out of it unless asked directly and then answer truthfully if you want to.

Id want to know the full truth with all detail. It would help me to move on and walk away and not be wondering and tormenting me.

I was told, after the event. After I'd been broken up with, wooed back again, and then finally split by my decision as things just didn't feel the same. Largely, it turns out, because he'd been sleeping with a 'friend' of mine I'd introduced him to!

A friend of the OW eventually told me as she was so horrified by both their actions. By this stage I'd moved on in anycase and was seeing someone else, so I just left them to it and cut all contact. The 'affair' fizzled in any case. But I was still glad to know, was hurt be the betrayal and wished someone had told me earlier. Don't know if that helps!

I would want to know the basics - how long, where, who knew etc. I wouldn't need to know intimate details. But then I can't imagine the relationship regardless

If there was nothing to tell and he was faithful, he couldn't be forced into telling?

So it's just the gruesome details they're doubting?

I should add, the only one I consered to have done the right thing was the friend of the OW who told me. She said she couldn't stand by in silence any longer and watch OW still try to be friends with me!

I don't know what he's told her. He might have told her it was just a one time thing or whatever. It certainly wasn't.

The ow has been blocked +understandably) by both of them.

It's a horrible position to be in for you OP, but ultimately not your responsibility. I'd back away and find some new friends. I was grateful for the call from OW's friend but asked that they were kept out of it. It just helped fill in some blanks and as I say, I had already moved on, so very different circumstances. Do what feels right for you, I'd probably suggest just withdrawing from everyone.

The ow has asked me if I think she should print out a conversation they had on text, basically just shows the length of the affair etc, no intimate details, and post it to the wife.

I think she sort of feels that at least the wife would know everything.

No in that case I wouldn't. If they've blocked her and are trying again I'd leave them to it. I'd only share if the wife actually asked and wanted to know. That seems quite cruel to do that.

Why does she need details, he has admitted to it, why would he say he was having an affair if he wasn’t?

When I first got to know my now ex, we dated for a few months, and I asked if he had ever cheated, he told me that he had cheated on his first wife for over 18 months with a workmate. He only told his wife when the workmate or AP threatened to tell his wife. He even bragged to me about how he almost got caught when he sent his wife a text meant for the OW. But was able to blab his way out of it somehow.

Met his DF and she is a saint how she handled the aftermath.

Needless to say I refused to trust anything he said or did after that and ended things shortly after his revelation. Anyone who can so blatantly lie to their wife, for that amount of time, with no accountability or regret, and who he shared 3 young DC with, youngest being 9 months, claiming he wasn't getting enough attention at home, I just felt the ick.

Oh sorry OP, yes, I would want to know. And if you do tell her, then offer the evidence if she wants it. If not, still keep hold of it, you may want to hold on to it to see how sordid this individual is, the cheater that is.

So the OW and the wife know each other? Do you know the wife? It's hard if you do but don't know if she knows you know!

In another instance I knew about a betrayal by a good friend's DH. I told him if he didn't tell her himself then I would. I couldn't play 'happy families' knowing what I knew. He begrudgingly told my friend, who ultimately forgave him. She asked me for details though. It was really hard but they worked through it and have put it behind them. It's never spoken about. I did what I felt was right and loyal to my friend, but she asked me. This wife may be happy knowing what she does as OW is blocked by both.

Personally I would be leaving anyway BUT I would want to know the truth from her. Main reason being I would rather know it all now and deal with it as one big thing rather than think I know it all and then later find out something else.
I know that’s not likely but my aunt had an affair with someone her and my uncle worked with, she told him her side and they split, then years later some guy said something that confirmed it had actually been going on longer (he didn’t know he was speaking to the ex husband of the person he was gossiping about). It really knocked him even though he was pretty much over it.
it’s deeply personal though and I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer. I am just the sort of person who wants to know all the facts before I can move on.

Of course i would prefer to know and id use this information to my benefit eg guilt him into big gifts, evidence for family and friends if he alienates me. I might or might not stay, staying doesnt mean i forgive him it could be purely financial or whatever.

Think about knowing like 1 clean cut versus hundreds of papercuts, crazy making by gaslighting, making you seem the problem.