Page 4 | Would you prefer to know?

IHateBakedBeans · 2025-01-18T12:39:54+00:00

Say your DH admitted to an affair, because the OW had made him. Would you believe his account? Would you ask the ow? Would you want the ow to tell you if he didn't? I've kept this purposely vague.

TangerineClementine · 18/01/2025 19:47

In this situation she definitely shouldn't contact the wife. It would be different if the wife didn't know anything at all. In this case, the wife knows, and could contact the OW if she wants to find out more, but has chosen to block her. The OW needs to leave the wife alone. Hasn't she hurt her enough already?

theallotmentqueen · 18/01/2025 19:58

'made' him? Either he's accusing her of sexual assault, or he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

StrawberrySwitchblades · 18/01/2025 21:15

She wants to help fix their marriage but she’s thinking of sending the wife printed out text conversations to prove that the affair went on for a long time just in case he hasn’t told her the full truth? None of this makes any sense @IHateBakedBeans

trebubble · 18/01/2025 21:29

As the OW admitted the affair to her own husband, told him everything, and they had counselling to move past it...does he know she's still been messaging and offering support to her ex-affair partner since then?

It's very clear this man's wife does not want to hear from your friend. The affair ended a while ago, she knows who the OW was and could have asked for details if she'd wanted them, but instead they've both blocked her. The last thing she needs is the woman (who had still been messaging her husband until she found out and he blocked her), ignoring this very clear boundary and sending her letters. Your friend might have ended the physical affair, but she was still engaged in an emotional one.

It seems more like your friend is upset about being blocked than wanting to be noble and help another woman. She needs to leave them both alone.

TammyJones · 18/01/2025 21:37

MarkingBad · 18/01/2025 19:42

Having been in this situation, the DP not the OW, it was a spiteful vengeful act on OWs part to take the situation into her own hands because she wanted someone else to feel as shitty as she did. What she hadn't taken into consideration was she was not the victim but one of the perpetrators. She knew he had a partner and didn't care about that until she felt hurt. He had no intention of leaving me for her. He had never made any promises to leave either, she just got it into her head she was much more than an itch he was scratching. So she made out she was the victim and decided to splurge it all out in all its gory detail and gained absolutely nothing from doing so.

It's bad enough you've been cheated on without someone shoving your nose into it. It is never the OW/OMs place to start giving details. The relationship between partners is for the partners to discuss, the OW/M has already played their part not caring about the partners in any of this. They only care when they want to lash out and hurt others, that is a very cruel and calculating act.

Same as if you have an AP and they die, it's not for the OW/M to go to the funeral wailing and expecting to be comforted. When you take up with a partnered person, that's the role you set yourself, the one who is hidden, the one who gets the very least their APs can give, the one who cannot mourn or feel sorry for themselves. You fuck about in someone elses relationships, whatever happens you are not the victim, the one who isn't having an affair is and you have no rights to think otherwise.

Sorry that was quite strong.

Very articulate post...thank you for sharing.

StormingNorman · 18/01/2025 21:40

MarkingBad · 18/01/2025 19:42

Having been in this situation, the DP not the OW, it was a spiteful vengeful act on OWs part to take the situation into her own hands because she wanted someone else to feel as shitty as she did. What she hadn't taken into consideration was she was not the victim but one of the perpetrators. She knew he had a partner and didn't care about that until she felt hurt. He had no intention of leaving me for her. He had never made any promises to leave either, she just got it into her head she was much more than an itch he was scratching. So she made out she was the victim and decided to splurge it all out in all its gory detail and gained absolutely nothing from doing so.

It's bad enough you've been cheated on without someone shoving your nose into it. It is never the OW/OMs place to start giving details. The relationship between partners is for the partners to discuss, the OW/M has already played their part not caring about the partners in any of this. They only care when they want to lash out and hurt others, that is a very cruel and calculating act.

Same as if you have an AP and they die, it's not for the OW/M to go to the funeral wailing and expecting to be comforted. When you take up with a partnered person, that's the role you set yourself, the one who is hidden, the one who gets the very least their APs can give, the one who cannot mourn or feel sorry for themselves. You fuck about in someone elses relationships, whatever happens you are not the victim, the one who isn't having an affair is and you have no rights to think otherwise.

Sorry that was quite strong.

Not too strong at all. I despair of these threads with the OW wanting to unburden herself under the guise of “she deserves to know”. Fuck off.

TammyJones · 18/01/2025 21:49

@StormingNorman
Completely agree.
It's totally vindictive and self serving - make no mistake...

Maddy70 · 18/01/2025 21:52

Given the option. Ignorant bliss is lovely

StormingNorman · 18/01/2025 21:56

Maddy70 · 18/01/2025 21:52

Given the option. Ignorant bliss is lovely

Not a popular opinion on MN, but I agree with you. And it’s not for the OW to decide what the wife does or doesn’t want to know.

MarkingBad · 19/01/2025 01:18

@TammyJones
Thank you! I appreciate it

@StormingNorman
Funny isn't it how many OW suddenly find they have a sisterly streak when the affair goes sour. When things stop going their way and the attention is focussed on the partner not her, they feel the partner needs to know just how awful he is. Well yes he is but he wasn't acting alone at any point.

I've no sympathy for OPs friend. As PP have mentioned something in her story about desperately wanting to tell the APs wife everything now she has been blocked and she hasn't got his attention anymore that doesn't quite add up

Secondstart1001 · 19/01/2025 12:56

@IHateBakedBeans are you sure you aren’t the ow?

Original poster

IHateBakedBeans · 19/01/2025 13:04

Yes quite sure! I've sent her the link to the thread though.

OP posts:

Secondstart1001 · 19/01/2025 13:53

So what actually happened? She ended affair and confessed to husband and went to counselling but continued to message ap? And then made ap confess to his wife last week?
It really sounds like she wants her affair partner and she doesn’t have good intentions here at all. She needs to realise he doesn’t want to her in the same way!

Original poster

IHateBakedBeans · 19/01/2025 15:26

I can't remember which came first between the confession and the messaging.

He has certainly played her, constantly saying he can't cope with the jealousy he feels, she's the love of his life, he is miserable blah blah blah..

She shouldn't have been entertaining it obviously. They've both behaved appalingly.

Anyway I've sent her the link to the thread and advised her as I can, im a bit fed up if hearing about it and talking about it now!

OP posts: