Would you prefer to know?

[IHateBakedBeans]

Say your DH admitted to an affair, because the OW had made him.

Would you believe his account? Would you ask the ow? Would you want the ow to tell you if he didn't?

I've kept this purposely vague.

It's hard because I would want to know. I've seen the messages and they are pretty factual.

If I was using my principles I’d just leave, the details aren’t interesting to me.

But based on the MN thread yesterday, I think if the lifestyle he provides is good enough, then one is strongly encouraged to ‘survive the affair’. Which I read as turning a blind eye and ignoring that everyone is pissing themselves laughing that you chose a life of humiliation if the price is right.
If he’s poorer than you then obviously you throw him out and change the locks without a backwards glance.
So yeah, the answer I think is linked to the money with this sort of conundrum.

What has he told her aside from the fact that he has had an affair, has he said how long it was going on for or is he trying to pass it off as a short fling?

It was easier for me coming from the friend of the OW. If this is going to eat away at you ,you could reach out and offer to give details if she wants them. Less intrusive than the OW doing this I think.

Absolutely no idea.

I've been speaking to ow this morning. She said on one hand she thinks the wide would contact her if she wants to know anything, in the other hand wouldn't you want to know the truth?

I don't know her nearly well enough. I think she'd be mortified I know.

The OW has caused enough trouble and should stay out of it for now, Is she intent on breaking the marriage up so she can have him for herself?

the man will have been extremely economical with the truth.

if the wife already knows, I don’t see a problem with posting her a printed screen grab of the conversation detailing everything.

the wife may be eaten up by not knowing what’s going on, she may feel trapped, she may not know what to do. At least this knowledge would give her some answers.

it’s not like throwing a grenade, because apparently she already knows.

I have always said it would be a deal breaker for me and he knows that so if he copped to it he would be salvaging the very different relationship going forwards rather than expecting it would change my mind.

Should say it wouldn't matter for the outcome but I would probably want to look her in the eyes and say my piece.

No absolutely not, she is married, wishes she hadn't ever got involved.

I don’t think the outcome matters, it’s the motivation for it. Why has she suddenly grown a conscious and suddenly cares about their relationship/ being fair to the wife? I don’t buy that it’s for any virtuous or altruistic reason. She wants to rub salt into the wound, that’s all. So no, she shouldn’t. It’s not her place. The time to do the right thing was before the affair started. It’s too late to try to do the right thing (whether this is genuinely her intention or not). I think she just needs to leave it be now and stay out of it.

Yet, she is thinking of involving herself further by sending the wife details of the affair….why?

She sounds like a spiteful bitch tbh.

Also why did the OW make him admit to the affair, what was the intention behind this?

Was it because her own husband found out about it and she was in trouble and she wanted her affair partner to get into some trouble aswell?

Exactly, she sounds like a shit stirring bitch!

The wife can ask the OW if she wants / needs further information

OW needs to step away and let the husband and wife deal with this on their own. If the wife wants to hear from the OW, she’ll reach out.

I don't think she's meant to be spiteful. It's all been a total shit show. When we spoke this morning I asked her if she's eating and she dodged the question. She cried twice during the conversation.

She knows it's all of her own making (along with him) but it's done a serious number on her.

She should feel bad but her primary focus should be on her own marriage and the position that she is currently in there.

I would have little time to listen to her

Why is she crying?

Sad it’s over?
the state of her marriage?
Embarrassed at being found out?

She's hugely embarrassed. She regrets it a lot. It's been intense and she's been way out of her depth. She handled it awfully, particularly when he told his wife

Her and her DH have been to counselling, from what I can see they are very happy. But she obviously feels indebted to him for staying. She told him voluntarily, no one was found out.

I've known her for a long long time and I've never seen her like this.

Her and her DH worked it out between themselves without the affair partner adding anything?

How is she embarrassed if she want to share intimate messages between her affair partner and herself with the poor wife.
She really wants to make sure that the wife knows all the details to completely blow her life up. She’s not being kind … quite the opposite and it sounds like you are being manipulated.
Your friend deserves the pain, the wife doesn’t
Feel free to show her this message.

Sorry I'm not sure what you mean?