Would you prefer to know?

[IHateBakedBeans]

Say your DH admitted to an affair, because the OW had made him.

Would you believe his account? Would you ask the ow? Would you want the ow to tell you if he didn't?

I've kept this purposely vague.

I think she is just in panic mode.

It's all just a mess.

If I was in panic mode trying to save my relationship, I wouldn’t be putting my energy trying to destroy someone else’s relationship.

I don’t understand, you say she is in panic mode yet 2 posts up you’ve said she seems happy with her DH and they’ve been to counselling ect. So why does she feel the need to be so “honest” with the wife. I really would not encourage this if I was you. Bad enough wife knows of the affair, no need for the gory details. It sounds like your friend can’t move on tbh.

Panicking about what exactly?
As you said her and her husband have been to counselling and are very happy

How long ago did this all happen, from your initial post it seemed to be a recent thing but from some of your other comments it seems to have happened quite a while ago if she has been to counselling and her and her husband are now very happy

Her and her DH are fine.

She couldn't let go of the complexity with the other man. It all got so messy and she acted appallingly. By her own admission she became obsessed with their relationship. I think he'd lied to her so much and she'd totally believed it all.

I've advised her that she needs to leave it,.doing more isn't going to undo or help what she's already done. She is in therapy and she knows she needs to keep that going.

Did your friend need her affair partner to talk to her husband so they could sort out their marriage?

The affair ended last year from what I can gather but her and him have been messaging a lot.

His wife only found out this week.

I'm not sure about her DH now u say it?!

I don't think so no. I don't think that happened, if it did she hasn't mentioned it.

I didn’t think so. So why does she think she needs to be involved in helping the affair partner work things out with his wife?

Oh shit! She’s still obsessed isn’t she? Still loving the drama and complexity and can’t let it all go.

I think it just became her life.

She ended the affair but from what I can tell he's just been feeding her stories of how miserable he is etc. she just couldn't let it go.

Any cheating and Id want a divorce. It would make no difference how I was told or who told me.

She needs to block him and forget about him

Yeah she's done that, tho they blocked her anyway

They blocked her, who is they?

So has she been instigating the contact…. Sounds like it if she has been blocked?

No his wife and he blocked her when his wife found out.

The guy and her have been messaging before then. From the messages I've seen it's just been a load of gaslighting shit about how miserable he is. After the affair ended she has been saying ok why don't you do x y and z to actually make your marriage work and he's just been totally disinterested. This is genuinely true, I've seen the messages

Who knows who he was lying to. But it's ended in an absolute mess.

So now she has been advising him how to save his marriage……the woman who was partially to blame for the mess up in the first place?…..bizarre
If she really wanted him to save his marriage she wouldn’t even be messaging him!
This is utter nonsense

I think she sees that. Like I say I think she just became totally enmeshed.

My h only told me as the OW h had written to tell me. At the time I wished he'd not told me. I stayed then years later divorced him over something infinitely worse. Knowing about the affair helped justify my now leaving to our kids in my mind but tbh they didn't even need a reason. They accepted he must have some something bad and sided with me even when they knew nothing.

Has her own husband seen the screenshots? Does she think the affair partner should send them to him? Just trying to look at this from different angles.

I keep thinking about that thread and wondering how she is. (I won’t tag her because I’m sure she would update if she wanted to.)

I would never ask another woman to tell me a truth I didn’t trust the man I was with to tell me. He’d be gone.

I think this says more about you in a negative light than a cheated on spouse who decides to stay.

Pissing themselves laughing. Awful.

No, the ow is unimportant. It’s not about her. If the affair wasn’t with her, it would have been with someone else. Because the problem lies with the husband who cheated, his shortcomings .
If staying in the marriage, the focus should be working on that. He lied to his wife, he lied to the ow so what he put on messages to ow is of no consequence.

That's a really helpful way of looking at it.

Having been in this situation, the DP not the OW, it was a spiteful vengeful act on OWs part to take the situation into her own hands because she wanted someone else to feel as shitty as she did. What she hadn't taken into consideration was she was not the victim but one of the perpetrators. She knew he had a partner and didn't care about that until she felt hurt. He had no intention of leaving me for her. He had never made any promises to leave either, she just got it into her head she was much more than an itch he was scratching. So she made out she was the victim and decided to splurge it all out in all its gory detail and gained absolutely nothing from doing so.

It's bad enough you've been cheated on without someone shoving your nose into it. It is never the OW/OMs place to start giving details. The relationship between partners is for the partners to discuss, the OW/M has already played their part not caring about the partners in any of this. They only care when they want to lash out and hurt others, that is a very cruel and calculating act.

Same as if you have an AP and they die, it's not for the OW/M to go to the funeral wailing and expecting to be comforted. When you take up with a partnered person, that's the role you set yourself, the one who is hidden, the one who gets the very least their APs can give, the one who cannot mourn or feel sorry for themselves. You fuck about in someone elses relationships, whatever happens you are not the victim, the one who isn't having an affair is and you have no rights to think otherwise.

Sorry that was quite strong.