I have found out the man I have been seeing from Bumble is married

[PeachFawn]

Dear all,

i appreciate there will be divided views on this topic but I really want some advice/thoughts to think about.

I am going through a divorce and met a man on Bumble in May of last year. He lives abroad but comes relatively frequently to London for work. We hit it off instantly and we meet up for dates when he is in town and I’ve always had such a lovely and romantic time with him.

He told me he and his wife separated after she had an affair with a previous partner. Over time I had noticed that while I would occasionally mention my divorce, he really didn’t speak about his. Although he lives outside of Europe, he was using a UK number - he used to live in London so I put it down to a legacy thing.

Suddenly his number disappeared from WhatsApp and I didn’t hear from him for two months. Then suddenly I recieved a “like” on Bumble and realised it was him and he had created a new profile. It was largely the same but he had changed his age by 5 years. He messaged me and said he was in London, had lost his phone and contacts and didn’t know how else to get in touch. He gave me a new number which was also a UK number.

i found that really odd that he would get a new UK number when he doesn’t live in UK or Europe. Well a reverse image google search on a photo he sent me told me a lot. He doesn’t work where he said he did, he is married and has two children. Many recent photos with his wedding ring on. I am assuming he used a burner phone and buys UK SIM cards.

im utterly devastated. I was with my husband for 15 years and the divorce is horrible. The excitement and happiness this man brought me was what was keeping me going and now I feel like such a fool to realise he doesn’t care about me at all. I wasn’t under any illusions that we were going to get married but equally I liked him so much and thought he really cared for me.

I do want to confront him but I’m also contemplating getting in touch with his wife. I can only imagine how hard it will be for her to
hear but I know if it was me I’d want to know. I also feel that it may stop him from duping/catfishing other women if there is a consequence to his behaviour. He travels frequently globally for work so I’m sure there are other people like me in the picture.

thoufhts and advice please!

Now that I have found his Instagram I realise it’s a similar situation with him.

He has many good quality, even professional photos of himself on Instagram yet for his Bumble profile he uses a mix. There are some good quality photos but he is always wearing sunglasses and looking down or away from the camera and the one where you can see his face, it doesn’t really look like him and he has a different hair style and dress sense and it seems really old. Why would someone use a photo like that when there are so many others to choose from?

Also, I noticed that in the new profile, there is a photo of him where he has a big tattoo on his lower arm. He does not have a tattoo and is most definitely not a tattoo person. I think he has edited the photo to add a fake tattoo so that if anyone he knew well saw the profile they would be thrown off thinking it was him.

I even recall us discussing a good restaurant in London and he said to me “oh that’s right next to my London office”. The office next to that restaurant is the company he SAID he worked for on his profile but doesn’t. Makes me want to tell them that there is someone doing this that is falsely advertising that they work for the company.

everything he said and did to deceive has been well thought out and seemed so natural - it’s that even over the infidelity that makes it feel so sinister.

That is so sinister! Have you decided what to do @PeachFawn ?

I haven’t yet.

Given the sinister nature of it, I’m definitely minded to take some steps. I have reported him
to Bumble but in reality that won’t do much. Even if they delete him, he will just set up profiles on other sites (if he doesn’t already have them) and keep doing what he’s doing.

I do think his wife has the right to know. Given the extent of his deception on this he’s probably lying about a whole range of things and she needs the information to make a decision. I don’t think it can be assumed she has an idea or suspects. A number of people in my network have been completely blindsided by infidelity or deception and said they never suspected or saw it coming so I’m working off the basis she is none the wiser.

I suspect his work would take this kind of behaviour very seriously given he is in an industry where integrity and reputation are very important but I don’t think I want to take that route right now. I don’t want him to be able to do this anymore and I think there needs to be a consequence and truth to come out but equally I’m not out to blow up every aspect of his life and push him into a situation where he’s lost everything including his income and ends up causing harm to himself or something like that.

I would definitely tell the wife. Good luck!

Quick update -

I’ve learned the wife runs her own small business so I’ve sent an email the email address just saying I’m looking to get in contact with the owner and is there a number or email address I can contact her on. It’s from an anonymous gmail account.

Her Instagram is private so it looks like I have to follow her in order to message? Does anyone know if this is the case? I’m not an expert at these things!

There is a Facebook too but it looks like it hasn’t been touched in years.

I’m still torn about if I will actually say anything yet but if I do decide to email her, should I just ask for a call, or should I give her enough details in an email so she knows what it is regarding?

I’m worried she could mention in passing to him that someone is trying to contact her and this might tip him off and given how manipulative he is, I could see him saying something like don’t engage as there is some crazy woman stalking him or something and then it shuts down the opportunity to tell the truth.

Also - should I ask her if they are separated as a first question? If I have it wrong (I don’t think I do) maybe I would want to check that first?

I really would want to do this in the most sensitive and considerate way possible. She might be someone that simply knowing a woman is trying to contact her is enough (because she knows in her heart), or she might be someone that wants all the details so I’m trying not to make assumptions one way or another..

I'd leave the poor cow alone.

I would either email her or create an new insta account to message her. Wouldn’t engage in a conversation, I would just attach screenshots from Bumble. And explain in no more than two lines why I am sedning this to her.
You could also send an anonymous letter with pictures.
I would email/get in touch only If I had evidence (which doesn’t tie me back to him).

I'd tell her purely because of her health and potential STIs.

I wouldn't ask any questions of her at all. Just lay it out, you met this man, you believe he's married to her and you feel she should know what has happened.

Very kind of you to try to be as sensitive as possible, but i think you need to clearly and succinctly state the facts, and don't over egg any apology because you didn't actually do anything wrong. No phone call just message.
I'd message her on fb messenger - even though she hasnt updated her profile for a while she probably has the messenger app. In the meantime follow her on instagram and then message her there if she doesnt see the fb message.
Use fake profiles in both cases so the husband can't find you.
Don't bother with his employer - although what he's doing may be against their ethics, they aren't suffering because of it and you risk making a real enemy of him.

Yep - and also to add re employer, harming his financial situation would also harm his kids and they are not to blame here. Please OP do not contact his employer. You want to warn his wife to protect herself, not harm her and the kids.

I think it’s only fair to let her know and if it’s what you would want someone to do for you, then for you it is the right thing to do. However, your safety is equally as important.

I would email with evidence (bumble screenshots including the shocking tattoo one 😳) keep it brief and factual and explain the STI risk. I presume it’ll be hard to keep it anonymous though - while it’s unlikely, it is possible you’re the only person he has slept with and so he could identify you that way. And I think you need to decide whether you’d give her more evidence / have a further conversation if she asked for it - as things like dates l locations you hooked up would obviously be outing for him.
I think you said he doesn’t know where you live etc, but would he be able to track you down through work etc?

Yes I have been giving the safety thing some thought.

I think my identity is going to come out pretty quick. It think it is most likely she will at least have some questions and if asking the where / when questions - he will of course know it’s me. Though I believe there are probably many women, I suspect most are probably one night stands and not that plausible they would suddenly reappear. It’s possible I may be the only more regular person and I’d say I definitely am his regular London “person”.

I am not sure what steps he would and could take against me. Infidelity is illegal in the UAE and I know certainly providing fake details to procure something from another is illegal under the UK Malicious Comms Act (not sure about Dubai).

if he started threatening me or harassing me, it’s possible I could make a report to UAE police and this would also expose the infidelity and fake identity issues and if the police were involved, his employer would definitely need to be told. I would hope he would know that potentially this could be just making everything worse for him but perhaps that’s wishful thinking again?

He does know where I work but struggling to see what he could do there as well other than email them and tell them and I haven’t done anything wrong so I think the damage he could inflict is minimal.

If any message to his wife can be traced back to you I would advise you to abstain then. Would rather block and move on. While it is important for the wife to know (I have been the wife and as I said in my previous posts I would have liked to know) it is equally important to protect ourselves from crazy people.

Yes I agree with the comments about his employer. Although I think there is a serious integrity issue here and they would likely take it quite seriously if known, I have no evidence of any direct impact on his work, anyone at his work or his clients so feel this would be a step too far and I’m not out to destroy him or his family financially - that doesn’t feel right.

Right now I know about a direct impact to his wife, other women and a potentially serious risk to her health and the health of any other women he duped into sleeping with him and stopping that harm is my potential focus.

Thanks yes I would totally just state the facts.

I’ve never started a fake profile before so not sure how easy that is. I thought social media companies were quite good at sniffing those out these days and removing them.

Also I was a bit reticent to consider fake social media as I’m calling him out on being fake also so wondered if they was a bit pot, kettle, black. Appreciate circumstances are different here though.

It's easy to make a fake account, but use another email address than your one you normally use of they might link. Put a profile pic up but just something generic. Don't faff about with the message cos if it doesn't grab her attention she may think its spam and block you. Just make sure you have something about her husband in the first line. State facts, proof and send a screenshot, if she blocks you immediately then I'd take it as a sign to leave be. If she asks for more detail give as much as you can without outing yourself, but don't get sucked into apologies and placating, you didn't do this to her HE did

You're doing the right thing

I would tell her.

eta… just realised I have revived an old thread! Did you tell her OP?

@Berlinlover

OP just block him and move on. There’s no point in telling his wife, it will achieve nothing.
You aren't in a position to say whether it will achieve anything though are you.
The poster you replied to literally said she was relieved to find out.

I like this, devious and to the point.

Be careful. I found out someone from a dating site was long term partnered. He'd hidden his real name. I told the partner. He went on to cyber stalk me and then posted revenge porn along with my phone number. I had random men texting me explicit photos. Horrific.

People on here frequently say don’t tell the wife. It happened to me, and I must admit I really wish someone had told me! I would tell her, she deserves to know what a sleaze he is. I’d then block, delete, move on but I’d tell her first if I had her details.

So sorry to hear about upset you are over this man. You sound like a really decent and kind person.

But you have been used and manipulated by this man. You let him into your life in good faith, and unfortunately he took you for a ride.

He sounds like a compulsive or pathological liar and is really on big ego trip. Does he have secret problems with alcohol?

You can either block him and start to forget about him. Or let his wife know. I think she may already have some suspicions.

You said you met him on some kind of dating site. Is that what Bumble is?

Well l would also let this dating site know about what this man is doing in creating different profiles. They don't seem up to much either. Do they check for this sort of thing? If not report them.

Best Wishes
🌻🌻🌻

Something like this happened to a family member. Turned out the man had a partner and a baby as well as two stepchildren. You can’t be too careful.