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Original poster

I have found out the man I have been seeing from Bumble is married

123 replies

PeachFawn · 18/01/2025 11:39

Dear all,

i appreciate there will be divided views on this topic but I really want some advice/thoughts to think about.

I am going through a divorce and met a man on Bumble in May of last year. He lives abroad but comes relatively frequently to London for work. We hit it off instantly and we meet up for dates when he is in town and I’ve always had such a lovely and romantic time with him.

He told me he and his wife separated after she had an affair with a previous partner. Over time I had noticed that while I would occasionally mention my divorce, he really didn’t speak about his. Although he lives outside of Europe, he was using a UK number - he used to live in London so I put it down to a legacy thing.

Suddenly his number disappeared from WhatsApp and I didn’t hear from him for two months. Then suddenly I recieved a “like” on Bumble and realised it was him and he had created a new profile. It was largely the same but he had changed his age by 5 years. He messaged me and said he was in London, had lost his phone and contacts and didn’t know how else to get in touch. He gave me a new number which was also a UK number.

i found that really odd that he would get a new UK number when he doesn’t live in UK or Europe. Well a reverse image google search on a photo he sent me told me a lot. He doesn’t work where he said he did, he is married and has two children. Many recent photos with his wedding ring on. I am assuming he used a burner phone and buys UK SIM cards.

im utterly devastated. I was with my husband for 15 years and the divorce is horrible. The excitement and happiness this man brought me was what was keeping me going and now I feel like such a fool to realise he doesn’t care about me at all. I wasn’t under any illusions that we were going to get married but equally I liked him so much and thought he really cared for me.

I do want to confront him but I’m also contemplating getting in touch with his wife. I can only imagine how hard it will be for her to
hear but I know if it was me I’d want to know. I also feel that it may stop him from duping/catfishing other women if there is a consequence to his behaviour. He travels frequently globally for work so I’m sure there are other people like me in the picture.

thoufhts and advice please!

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 19/01/2025 12:30

Maboscelar · 18/01/2025 19:12

I would tell the wife, it's the morally right thing to do. And if they are in UAE then she can report him and he could face some serious consequences for his shitty behaviour.

He's a vile rat so he deserves whatever heads his way.

Yes, I agree with this. I’d throw everything at him that I could. If his company values personal integrity then I’d make sure his HR department knows that he has none.

And his wife deserves to know. Her health is at risk because of his behaviour. OP should be prepared for a range of possible responses from her, but she deserves to know.

Soonenough · 19/01/2025 12:37

My Ex did this . Do tell the wife .I would have appreciated it . Then she can make her own decisions. If I had that information at the time , it would have made a huge difference to me . Knowledge is power . Don't tell him though. Contact her first and then block him.

Christl78 · 19/01/2025 12:41

Soonenough · 19/01/2025 12:37

My Ex did this . Do tell the wife .I would have appreciated it . Then she can make her own decisions. If I had that information at the time , it would have made a huge difference to me . Knowledge is power . Don't tell him though. Contact her first and then block him.

Feeling for you. On the same boat. I am very happy I left him but had I known I would have left at 41 i strad of 45. Still ok but the earlier the better. Would have rebuilt my life earlier.

whathaveiforgotten · 19/01/2025 12:46

@TammyJones

there was a thread yesterday where a ow had told the dw
Dw said she wished she'd not know

She said she wish she had found out at the time, not twelve years later.

Maddy70 · 19/01/2025 13:57

Block. It's very common

Namechangetheyarewatching · 19/01/2025 14:43

I don't understand why so many people are saying "don't tell the wife" when they watch the devastation when a partner finds out about their cheating partner and just wishes they knew.

How are you protecting them, wouldn't you rather know what your partner was up to so you could choose what to do, stay or leave?

I can only assume it responses from those who cheat, are cheating or who have the sort of set up where they care, but don't want their life upturned 🤷🏼‍♀️

Namechangetheyarewatching · 19/01/2025 14:44

whathaveiforgotten · 19/01/2025 12:46

@TammyJones

there was a thread yesterday where a ow had told the dw
Dw said she wished she'd not know

She said she wish she had found out at the time, not twelve years later.

But this is at the time

Original poster
PeachFawn · 19/01/2025 14:49

Gosh I’m so sad to hear of so many of you who have had to go through this on the other side.

i agree that there is a huge professional integrity issue here. Infidelity is a private matter but I think the fake details to procure sex and relationships from women is a whole different matter and reported would probably be something very concerning to his employer.

for those of you who ended up in the same boat - did any of you find out through being contacted by one of the OW?

OP posts:
Christl78 · 19/01/2025 15:19

PeachFawn · 19/01/2025 14:49

Gosh I’m so sad to hear of so many of you who have had to go through this on the other side.

i agree that there is a huge professional integrity issue here. Infidelity is a private matter but I think the fake details to procure sex and relationships from women is a whole different matter and reported would probably be something very concerning to his employer.

for those of you who ended up in the same boat - did any of you find out through being contacted by one of the OW?

Unfortunately not. I had suspected, got my ducks in a row and when ready looked for evidence, which was really easy to find. I understand he had done the same thing 4 years earlier though. Wish I knew back then.

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 19/01/2025 15:26

Namechangetheyarewatching · 19/01/2025 14:43

I don't understand why so many people are saying "don't tell the wife" when they watch the devastation when a partner finds out about their cheating partner and just wishes they knew.

How are you protecting them, wouldn't you rather know what your partner was up to so you could choose what to do, stay or leave?

I can only assume it responses from those who cheat, are cheating or who have the sort of set up where they care, but don't want their life upturned 🤷🏼‍♀️

Your assumption is wrong.

Some people feel it is not their business to go further than blocking the man,. That it is HIM who has responsibility for telling his wife, not the unwitting 'OW' victim. Some of us think that though many partners would and do want to know, many also don't - and it isn't our place to decide. Some of us already feel like victims and do not wish to put ourselves at further risk of a devious immoral man. Some of us feel that we might be doing it out of revenge and that will not help us.

You might disagree with some or all of these reasons, but whether you agree or not they are reasons that are NOT being cheats!

Crankyaboutfood · 19/01/2025 15:30

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 18/01/2025 12:03

Someone telling me about my husband's affair saved my sanity. I would definitely tell her. I had a similar situation many years ago and didn't tell the woman, just ghosted the man, but now I've been on the other side of the picture I would always tell. It's up to her what she does with the info x

yes. contact the wife. it’s the decent thing to do. block him and it will get better. is m
aomaoeey.

Christl78 · 19/01/2025 15:50

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 19/01/2025 15:26

Your assumption is wrong.

Some people feel it is not their business to go further than blocking the man,. That it is HIM who has responsibility for telling his wife, not the unwitting 'OW' victim. Some of us think that though many partners would and do want to know, many also don't - and it isn't our place to decide. Some of us already feel like victims and do not wish to put ourselves at further risk of a devious immoral man. Some of us feel that we might be doing it out of revenge and that will not help us.

You might disagree with some or all of these reasons, but whether you agree or not they are reasons that are NOT being cheats!

Show quote history

True. However, If we know he is a multiple cheater and has kids and a wife he puts their health at risk. Some STIs can be contacted through means other than sex (hepatitis from toilets).
i would send an anonymous message to the wife

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/01/2025 15:59

Sorry this happened

I always assume men who live elsewhere but are in London on business are in relationships and looking for cheap place to stay with free sex when they're in town

BlondeMamaToBe · 19/01/2025 16:05

‘Fuck off back to your wife cos I lost interest when you fucked off two months ago.’

Do not humour him and any excuses he makes up because that’s all they are.

Blue278 · 19/01/2025 16:09

Block and forget him. But first tell him you’re going to tell his wife.

Ladyj84 · 19/01/2025 16:13

Tell his wife don't tell his wife but take into account there are many many couples who happily have open relationships while married and actually it's a normal thing for some

Christl78 · 19/01/2025 16:18

Ladyj84 · 19/01/2025 16:13

Tell his wife don't tell his wife but take into account there are many many couples who happily have open relationships while married and actually it's a normal thing for some

Yes, but they usually state it on the app.

Original poster
PeachFawn · 19/01/2025 17:05

Christl78 · 19/01/2025 16:18

Yes, but they usually state it on the app.

Show quote history

I’m quite confident that his wife is totally in the dark. If she wasn’t, or the relationship was open, I don’t think he would be going to such extreme lengths to have a burner phone and hide his identity.

OP posts:
Christl78 · 19/01/2025 17:10

PeachFawn · 19/01/2025 17:05

I’m quite confident that his wife is totally in the dark. If she wasn’t, or the relationship was open, I don’t think he would be going to such extreme lengths to have a burner phone and hide his identity.

Show quote history

Yes, 100%. People who are in open relationships/ENM state it very clearly on their profiles and are honest about it.
There are sleazy men who don’t put their pictures on and say things like “don’t judge” or men who pretend they are single (these are the worst). However, I think sooner or later they are detectable as they disappear and reappear, don’t respond to messages and then start messaging you/love bombing you etc.

whathaveiforgotten · 19/01/2025 18:42

@Namechangetheyarewatching

But this is at the time

Yes, that was my point. In this case because it's 'at the time' I think most people would want to know. I agree.

Original poster
PeachFawn · 19/01/2025 19:07

I haven’t fully decided but it seems every single woman who has responded on this thread, who has been in that situation, has said they wish they had known or had known sooner.

I also have an old school friend who contracted genital herpes from her long term partner after cheating on her with many, many women. I remember being with her after she got the medical results back and how hurt she was that so many of his friends and her friends knew about what he was doing but didn’t tell her. This was a long time ago in my 20s but it’s something I have thought about this weekend, particularly after many people raised the STI issue.

OP posts:
Christl78 · 19/01/2025 19:15

PeachFawn · 19/01/2025 19:07

I haven’t fully decided but it seems every single woman who has responded on this thread, who has been in that situation, has said they wish they had known or had known sooner.

I also have an old school friend who contracted genital herpes from her long term partner after cheating on her with many, many women. I remember being with her after she got the medical results back and how hurt she was that so many of his friends and her friends knew about what he was doing but didn’t tell her. This was a long time ago in my 20s but it’s something I have thought about this weekend, particularly after many people raised the STI issue.

Do it anonymously. Send screeshots from his bumble account to her insta (create a new anonymous account). He won’t know it was you as I am sure he must have dated many women.
A few people have mentioned contacting his work. I would advice against that as he may have kids and this would impact them financially. I think his wife knowimg is more than enough, so that she can protect herself and her kids.

vin4151 · 20/01/2025 00:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gabitule · 20/01/2025 01:13

I would contact his wife for the following reasons:

  • she may already be suspecting something (using her woman’s intuition) and may be driving herself crazy trying to figure out if her suspicions are right, but with no way to prove it. It’s an awful state that many women who’ve been cheated on know well.
  • people who lie and act without integrity must learn that actions have consequences. A decent man would have been honest about his marital status and found someone who was ok with that.
  • with so many men treated women like shit, we have to stick together. Perhaps telling his wife will stop him from doing this to another woman and causing more hurt.
if he is indeed separated his wife will receive your message with indifference. No harm done. If he is not, at least she has a choice to forgive him or to leave.
Gabitule · 20/01/2025 01:35

This thread reminded me of a married bumble date I had a while back. His profile on bumble was new and soon after we started talking and moved to WhatsApp he deleted his bumble profile. I found that suspicios but he told me that he didn’t have time for endless dating, hated the process and he was confident that him and I would work out! Hmmm
During our first date he told me that he was separated from his wife for a couple of years and no longer living together. He was very intense, he didn’t want the night to end, he was soooo much into me. It was over the top. We arranged to meet again the following weekend.

And then, a few days later, I was thinking about our first date all of a sudden things that had felt a bit off fell into place and I realised he was very much still married. For example, he was really good looking but the photos he chose for his bumble profile were blurry and didn’t really look like him. Made me wonder why he didn’t choose better photos. Then the fact that he closed his bumble account as soon as he found a woman interested in him. He said he was looking to buy a place in a certain part of London but told me how he had just bought the house he was living in a couple of years back. So why would he separate, buy a place and then want to move again (and buy a place) a couple of years later. (That was obviously because he was not separated at all and he had indeed bought a house with his wife a couple of years back). He was talking about his nanny being at home with the kids and I asked him if she was his nanny or his ex’s nanny. He didn’t have a clear answer but I found it weird that a dad who barely sees his kids would have them over only to leave them with the nanny. Anyway, there were other little things. Luckily the Penny dropped and I didn’t waste more time with him. When I confronted him he admitted that he was indeed living with his wife but that was because, errr, his divorce lawyer had advised him to continue living at home so he would get away with a smaller financial settlement in the divorce. He wanted to cheat but wasn’t even smart enough to lie about his marriage.

I obviously never saw him again