I have found out the man I have been seeing from Bumble is married

[PeachFawn]

Dear all,

i appreciate there will be divided views on this topic but I really want some advice/thoughts to think about.

I am going through a divorce and met a man on Bumble in May of last year. He lives abroad but comes relatively frequently to London for work. We hit it off instantly and we meet up for dates when he is in town and I’ve always had such a lovely and romantic time with him.

He told me he and his wife separated after she had an affair with a previous partner. Over time I had noticed that while I would occasionally mention my divorce, he really didn’t speak about his. Although he lives outside of Europe, he was using a UK number - he used to live in London so I put it down to a legacy thing.

Suddenly his number disappeared from WhatsApp and I didn’t hear from him for two months. Then suddenly I recieved a “like” on Bumble and realised it was him and he had created a new profile. It was largely the same but he had changed his age by 5 years. He messaged me and said he was in London, had lost his phone and contacts and didn’t know how else to get in touch. He gave me a new number which was also a UK number.

i found that really odd that he would get a new UK number when he doesn’t live in UK or Europe. Well a reverse image google search on a photo he sent me told me a lot. He doesn’t work where he said he did, he is married and has two children. Many recent photos with his wedding ring on. I am assuming he used a burner phone and buys UK SIM cards.

im utterly devastated. I was with my husband for 15 years and the divorce is horrible. The excitement and happiness this man brought me was what was keeping me going and now I feel like such a fool to realise he doesn’t care about me at all. I wasn’t under any illusions that we were going to get married but equally I liked him so much and thought he really cared for me.

I do want to confront him but I’m also contemplating getting in touch with his wife. I can only imagine how hard it will be for her to
hear but I know if it was me I’d want to know. I also feel that it may stop him from duping/catfishing other women if there is a consequence to his behaviour. He travels frequently globally for work so I’m sure there are other people like me in the picture.

thoufhts and advice please!

I would tell the wife - if it were me I would want to know…if she doesn’t care and is happy to stay with a cheater that’s her prerogative, but we don’t know which one she is so 🤷‍♀️ I would then block them both.

I would tell him you have him sussed as a lying scumbag. Tell him he needs to think about the notion of what consent means when he is essentially entering relationships as a con man.

But then I would block him.

You found him… he can find you, and I wouldn’t risk revenge from such a nasty person.

I am sorry you had such an upsetting experience.

@Berlinlover

Most women aren’t like you though. They usually stay with their cheating husbands and blame the other woman.

OP just block him and move on. There’s no point in telling his wife, it will achieve nothing.

That's for the wife to decide. She should have all relevant information regarding what her risks her husband is exposing her to.
It's immoral not to let her know.

Sorry he has done this to you - what an arsehole

I would send his Bumble profile to his wife, then block

Take some time for yourself then move on

Personally I’d want to know. I’m with you. No consequence just mean it happen to someone else. Not everyone will agree but that’s my view. Why not agree to meet one last time to get your evidence and confront him. I’m just really sorry this happened. What a lowlife.

Tell his wife.
It's not fair she doesn't know.
He could give her stds

Block him (and I guess this is a lesson to do more research next time but I’m sorry this happened to you). And tell the wife.

I found out my ex-husband had been cheating on me with various women for years. Having been in that situation I get frustrated when people assume the wife always knows anyway. No she doesn’t. And she absolutely deserves to have all the information about her own marriage and her own life (including her risk of STDs) to make her own decisions.

It wasn’t the only issue in my marriage but it was an huge factor in my ultimately divorcing my husband after finding out. Nobody told me, I found it out myself after becoming suspicious.

The last affair he had was also with a woman who had no idea he was married for quite some time at the beginning of their relationship, and although I feel she should have been slightly more curious perhaps, I also know he is a very good liar unfortunately, and deliberately concealed information from her. So it wasn’t her fault.

I do totally blame her for carrying on the affair after she found out though.

If this is a kindness to the wife, why not do it more sensitively and leave lines of communication open for her to ask questions. What you’ve suggested is cruel.

Honestly I would tell the wife, but remember that YOU HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG. You and the wife aren't victims here - just in case you feel guilty when messaging her. I'd probably text her something like, 'Hi, you don't know me but I thought I should let you know, I was dating your husband. I didn't realise he was still married, and as soon as I found out obviously I was horrified. Here are photos of us together and screenshots of our texts for evidence'.

As others have said you don't 'owe' her anything, but that being said, I think it is the decent thing to do.

Really sorry this is happening, good luck.

@StormingNorman - sorry - I meant block him!
Would leave the communication with the wife open in case she wanted to talk

Thank you. I haven’t decided what to do but if I did contact her - I think I would want to do it as sensitively as possible by apologising for contacting her in this way and giving her the high level facts but enough so she knows it’s genuine and credible.

I have enormous amounts of evidence so hard to see how she could not believe it but I think I would leave it to her to decide what and if she wanted to see as I think perhaps sending her everything in one go would be too hurtful and I would rather give her the choice. if she doesn’t want to hear it then at least I could walk away knowing I had tried to do the right thing.

i know there could be some backlash from her but I would hope that the extent of his lies and the fact that he’s actively sought to deceive women she would realise (at least eventually) that it was unintentional.

perhaps that’s me being unrealistic but would welcome thoughts from those that have done it or been on the other side of it.

like I say - not sure if I will do just thinking it through right now.

I'm surprised at these responses too. Also people are assuming that the wife is also living ("stuck") in UAE - she might not be.
I would want to know.

It absolute,y is not the right thing to do. The wife suffers enough being married to this cheating rat without you sticking your oar in. Block him and move on.

Also pps who are blaming you for not knowing - he gave a fake name! It's not your fault he did this.

I would tell the wife, it's the morally right thing to do. And if they are in UAE then she can report him and he could face some serious consequences for his shitty behaviour.

He's a vile rat so he deserves whatever heads his way.

It isn’t backlash from her that I would fear, it’s revenge from him.

He is a twisted individual with a scheming mind who used deceit to conceal his identity and fabricated a fake like as a cover story.

He could do the same again to wreak revenge or vent his anger.

I would definitely report him to Bumble with evidence of fake name etc.

OP you are a victim of this man. You were unable to give informed consent to the relationship because you didn’t have the correct information. His wife is also a victim but it would be your choice to tell her, not your responsibility or duty.

I agree with this one.

I have also been on the wife’s side and it would have been great If someone told me earlier, with evidence. I would have left him 3-4 years earlier.

Btw my ex was also on Bumble and dated other women. When I found out one of my questions to him was: “Did these women know you were married?”, to which he replied “It didn’t come up as a discussion point”….Poor me but poor them as well. They might have thought they found someone good and look what he did behind my back and their back.
Mind you, during that time we were going through IVF to have a baby which resulted to a stillbirth and me almost losing my life. Maybe If one of these women knew and sent me an anonymous message with evidence I would have got away sooner, wouldn’t inject myself with hormones and wouldn’t have gone through a stillbirth which also put my life at risk.
Tell the wife ladies. Anonymously. And let them decide what to do.

What about the harm his actions are having on his wife and kids ?
I would screen shot evidence , tell her than move on.
He’s risking her health with actions

Hedge fund managers and men from UAE who travel globally for work? On dating sites. That would be my first red flag.

Maybe look for someone who says he works in IT or another regular job. Far less likely to be a catfish. If you’re aiming for rich and successful and only matching with good looking men who say they have amazing jobs and show themselves with their private jets you’re asking to be catfished IMO.

I don’t think it’s only the rich I’m afraid 😅. The less rich equally engage in these kind of activities.
what do these people think? Really wonder what’s in their mind when they do these kind of things? My God…

My exh, who I'd been with 20 years, was having flings with several women while working away and I knew nothing about it for years. It was only when his behaviour started getting really nasty (and Mumsnet said it was likely an affair) that I finally resorted to reading his emails and found out what he'd been up to. I also found out that his AP's husband had know about it for months, and had confronted my exh but not told me. I was really pissed off, as my exh had been so nasty to me and I'd thought it was my fault. If the husband had told me earlier it would have saved me months of psychoterror. I took an STD test and it was OK, but it also pissed me off that the AP's husband did not alert me when I'd been having unprotected sex with my exh for ages and could have caught anything from the AP, the AP's or my ex's other affairs or even the AP's husband.
As the emails said the AP's husband was trying to save their relationship, but his wife was clearly continuing the affair behind his back, I carefully contacted him to see if he had any idea of this. He wrote back that they were now divorcing and added that he did not want to talk about the affair at what was a very difficult time for him. It clearly had not entered his mind that this might be an equally difficult time for me. My impression was that he did not tell me as he saw himself as the big victim and central hero of the drama. I was just a bit part.

Oh, and if I'd known earlier, I would not have bought a family dog. I love the dog very much but now she has been my sole responsibility for the last 10 years and I can't go away without finding a sitter. Exh could not give a shit obviously.

Married cheating twat!

You're likely to not be the only one if he's travelling about, and he may well be that cliche of having a woman in every port. So if nothing else I would let the wife know so she can protect her own sexual health.