You’re not the ugliest.

[Looloolo]

I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for about a year.

Tonight I was going to show him a photo of my ex and he said that he hopes he isn’t better looking than him. I said no, quite the opposite.

I said well I feel the same about his exes too and he replied that I’m not the ugliest.

I said that’s not nice to know, that I’m not the ugliest when he could have said I’m the prettiest. It makes me sound like I’m near the bottom.

He said I was being unfair but didn’t correct his statement. Then he carried on like normal.

Honestly, I’m devastated. Properly and utterly crushed. I feel disgusting. I feel like every time he complimented me he was being insincere.

I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life, like I’m good for everything except looking at.

I’m not unrealistic btw. I know I’m far from the most beautiful girl in the world, but I was starting to feel confident in his company and now I feel like it’s gone.

I don’t even know how to fix it because if I told him how I felt all he could do was try saying I was the prettiest girl he’d been with but it’d sound like lies.

Unfortunately you asked and didn’t like the answer. It’s not a good road to go down. Him
being honest is not ideal either but he was in a difficult position. Weird you needed to show photos of your ex.

No good ever comes out of conversations about exes. He was probably feeling unsettled by the whole conversation and as a result wasn’t very nice.

I think he was joking. It was an extremely weird conversation and definitely not something I would feel serious about. Maybe let him know you are upset? And please work on your self esteem x

I honestly don't think these conversations ever go down well. Why were you comparing him to your ex and then fishing for compliments?

I've seen a photo of my partners ex at the point they would have met so she was about 30. Stunning beautiful , how would I complete at nearly 50 with his memory of her at 30. So I would never ask. But I know he thinks I'm gorgeous. Point is you're kind of competing with a memory of how they were when they met. It's where madness lies.

I do think he was really tactless though and what he said wasn't kind at all. It might be worth discussing it again with him and how it made you feel. Just be wary he might say something more unkind, but in which case it gives you your answer..

How old are you both OP?

I can’t get my head around why you would need to show a picture of your ex. And it’s never a good idea to ask if you’re more attractive than his exes.

If the whole thing only came up because he asked to see your ex, that is a red flag and I would get him in the bin. And don’t talk about what your exes look like with future potential partners!

Could you reframe this that he chooses girlfriends based on their personalities and compatibility rather than superficial looks alone? He is confident about who he like and he likes you.

Was he trying to hurt you because you’d shown him pics of your ex?

When I was young I stupidly asked my boyfriend who was prettiest out of me and his ex (who was stunning) and he fumbled an answer and I was upset by it.
Totally put the poor guy on the spot and there would be no decent way of responding. Celebrating our 20 year wedding anniversary this year.

Whereas, I think sitting down swapping photos of exes and discussing them like that is completely and utterly insane. Knowing all those details would play on my mind, and would be opening all sorts of cans of worms about their pasts that just are not needed.

If OP knows she isn't stunning (not am I), having someone tell you that you are, it is an obvious falsehood. If you ask about exes, you are asking to be lied to.

and I’d definitely say something to get him back too.
And then you end with a petty revenge comment.

One of my ex's had an ex who had been a dancer at the actual Moulin Rouge in Paris. So I certainly wasn't the prettiest he had dated! No way would I have asked the question.😂

I know two ex's of my now husband, both are far prettier and slimmer than me. I'm friends with one of them and she's a far lovelier person that I am. Absolutely no idea what my husband sees in me, I've never asked him. I know he loves me and that's all that matters! We've been together over 20 years and still going strong. Looks are superficial and fleeting. It's definitely what's inside that counts!

How old are you? This sounds like it was written by someone very young or naiive. Why would you want to show him a photo of your ex? The past is the past and you should let it go. If it was a weird way of trying to prop up his ego by saying he is much better looking that your ex and inturn hoping he would say the same about you then you do have problems. Before getting into a relationship it is important to work on your self esteem. It's very unfair to expect another person to always prop you up in this respect. Stop fishing for compliments in roundabout ways and focus on your self worth. I do think you would benefit from some counselling or therapy.

A bit of an awkward comment, but I don't know
what he could have said that would have been acceptable. No doubt if he had said you are beautiful, but if you are saying ,but you are saying you are not, this would have been met with resistance. What is the point of showing pictures of exes?

I'm going to go against the grain here. Your boyfriend has zero emotional intelligence. "You're not the ugliest" (of my partners) is an incredibly stupid thing to say to your partner - it's ok for you to want reassurance about it in the context of the conversation you described and someone with empathy would say "you're all beautiful in different ways" or "you're the one I want to be with so you are my favourite."

What on earth was the planned outcome here? Why were you showing him pictures of your ex, that's bizarre. I've been with my husband years and he's never seen any pictures of my exes nor I his, why would you want to see them?

How is the rest of the relationship? That’s what counts here.

He started the comparison and compliment fishing though, not OP and she responded positively when he did. Even if he needed to stand by the absolute truth that his ex was more attractive, he worded it in an awful way and I don't think needed to do so. Yes it was a stupid conversation but he started it. It's normal in relation to your partner to be positive about their attractiveness so I think he's been out of order here. The conversation should not have started but 'youre not the ugliest', wasn't nice.

You’d have to be pretty secure and have high self esteem to not be affected by his comment but as I posted just now, how is the rest of the relationship. If it’s great I’d let it slide but if you’re not feeling valued, move on.

This all sounds very immature and silly.

Do you like my dress is fine as a question as long as you’re ok with a no answer. If you’re crap at knowing what suits you and are genuinely seeking advice from a friend whose fashion sense you appreciate, the answer can be helpful.

How pretty am I compared to the others is a dangerous question unless you know for sure you’re the prettiest... Only a very emotionally intelligent person with high linguistic skills can answer that honestly without manipulating you and without hurting your feelings. Most men will feel forced to lie which I think is horrible for them. He chose you, you chose him. Isn’t that good enough?

Play stupid games win stupid prizes.. Insecure jealous people shouldn't ask questions like this.....
What a way to undermine the relationship early on...

I see that you are saying OP, it is not about the looks, it is about love, or absence thereof, to be precise. If somebody really really madly loves you, you look the most beautiful person in the world to them, you really do. It is something chemical, unreasonable, but very telling. A person in love should not be blind, but his or her view should be so clouded by love that they should see a different picture than the rest of us. The day I knew that my db really loved my ex SIL was when our mum told him 'she could do with losing a bit of weight?' and he screamed back 'no, I don't, she is just not dangerously thin!' So in his loving eyes this chubbo was thin, exactly that, just not dangerously thin. I think he does not love you OP the way you want to be loved.

He was probably feeling a bit stung at just being shown a picture of your ex. So not surprising that he made a barbed comment. Or does he have a slightly warped sense of humor? It's not all about looks though, is it. Attraction for me is more about personality than looks.

See, I've only ever been with people I thought were v attractive and good looking. The one I married was, to me, the best looking of the lot, but backed up by the personality etc. And we've never discussed the attractiveness of our exes.

My least attractive (in all ways to be fair) bf was constantly comparing me unfavourably to ex girlfriends so that I'd know my place. A was more fun;B was the prettiest; C had better legs (she did not). But I was youngand stupid.

When you fish for compliments you often don't get the answer you want. Sounds like he reacted clumsily in the moment. What you really wanted him to say was that you were the prettiest and he didn't because he didn't get how loaded the question was. My partner and I call those sorts of questions "danger" questions, questions he can never get right by the nature of the question. When we first got together I cooked him a meal (I hate cooking and I'm not very good at it) I said something like oh I'm sure that's not the best xxxxx you have ever eaten. I wanted him to say oh it was a marvelous meal, brilliant cooking. What he actually said was my ex-wife was a cordon bleu cook. We laugh about it now...