You’re not the ugliest.

[Looloolo]

I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for about a year.

Tonight I was going to show him a photo of my ex and he said that he hopes he isn’t better looking than him. I said no, quite the opposite.

I said well I feel the same about his exes too and he replied that I’m not the ugliest.

I said that’s not nice to know, that I’m not the ugliest when he could have said I’m the prettiest. It makes me sound like I’m near the bottom.

He said I was being unfair but didn’t correct his statement. Then he carried on like normal.

Honestly, I’m devastated. Properly and utterly crushed. I feel disgusting. I feel like every time he complimented me he was being insincere.

I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life, like I’m good for everything except looking at.

I’m not unrealistic btw. I know I’m far from the most beautiful girl in the world, but I was starting to feel confident in his company and now I feel like it’s gone.

I don’t even know how to fix it because if I told him how I felt all he could do was try saying I was the prettiest girl he’d been with but it’d sound like lies.

My very first "boyfriend" in primary school turned out to be quite a popular tv and movie actor. I've never mentioned him to future bf's. Although my husband does know but just laughs about it.

Ok I know I should be supportive & what everybody else is saying is far better BUT I'd be gutted & second question myself/relationship too.

I hope your OK & your able to move on from it. X

Sounds like a standard response esp to someone fishing for compliments, basically it was a bit of chat.

You neex to work on your self esteem

That was a joke, that was banter, quite affectionate banter. He was probably totally nonplussed by your reaction OP, that was why things were awkward.

Why did you need to show him a photo of your ex?

The most important thing about a relationship shouldn't be that you are better looking than the previous partners. And vice versa. That's a very shallow and pointless requirement. In saying that, your boyfriend is an idiot to say something like that because it is no secret that many women are insecure about their looks and so it's better to avoid making jokes like that. However, if you choose men based on their looks rather than their intelligence and personality then chances are you are going to end up with an idiot.

I'm quite shocked at some of these replies.

We don't know the context for looking at old photos (maybe it came up in conversation) so putting that aside - HE started this by saying "I hope he's not better looking than me". As pp's have said it's not a good idea to fish for compliments but sounds like the OP then paid him a compliment and batted it back at him, totally understandably and normal conversation in the early days imo. She didn't instigate that.

For him to retort "well you're not the ugliest" is horrible imo. Maybe he was joking (do you think he was Op?) but if my dd's bf said this to her I'd be seriously questioning his intentions and wondering why he felt the need to take that opportunity to put her down.

My dh builds me up and tells me I'm beautiful all the time and did so in the beginning too. I've never asked him if I was his most beautiful partner but if I did I know he'd say yes and I know he'd mean it. I wouldn't accept anything less personally.

If he doesn't usually put you down and is generally complimentary id put it behind you OP but keep and eye out for this kind of behaviour - it can be something men do to keep women on the hop and feeling insecure. See how it's worked with you?

Some of these replies are crazy op. I do think it's strange to be showing each other pictures of your exes. But a boyfriend/girlfriend should want you to feel like the most beautiful person they know. Objectively/truthfully assessing your beauty in comparison to past romances to your face and bringing you up negatively is awful.

And to another poster - telling a white lie about liking someone's dress if they clearly love it and it fits well is completely appropriate. Doesn't matter if it isn't your own personal taste. That's called boosting the confidence of the person asking the question.

I hope you’re ok OP after reading this barrage of spiteful comments from everyone. Honestly I can’t believe how nasty people have been!

My Husband and I showed one another photos of all our exes fairly soon after we started going out and talked about what they were like, and why the relationships ended. My Mum told me that her and my Dad did exactly the same when they first met. They have been happily married for over 40 years, and we have for 16 years. I think this is part of a healthy and respectful adult relationship to know about your partner’s past relationships, and to also be able to see what previous partners looked like if you want to. I would have had very little trust in my Husband if he wasn’t forthcoming with information on his exes or photos of them, and would’ve felt there was something to hide.

I completely understand how you feel OP, and I would’ve felt the same as you - it was such a horrible thing he said to you and there was absolutely no need for it.

Call me old fashioned, but I think in any romantic relationship that you should view your partner as the most beautiful/handsome you’ve ever seen, or at least as very beautiful/handsome, and this should be a reciprocal sentiment. It doesn’t matter if we don’t rate ourselves very highly, our partners should and vice versa.

If it were me, I would seriously be considering my future with this person as I know their nasty comment would forever play on my mind and would make me feel very insecure about our relationship and indeed myself. Perhaps you could have a serious talk about what was said and tell him how much it hurt you and why. You could then make a decision based on the quality of his answer. Perhaps it could be that it was a clumsily worded statement, but I still wouldn’t be ok with it.

The only way I would’ve found this minutely acceptable is if it was said in a really jokily, playful way, and he immediately said ‘of course you’re not the ugliest, you’re the most beautiful woman etc etc, and gave me a kiss and cuddle - but I still wouldn’t be very happy with it to be honest, and I’d definitely say something to get him back too.

Sounds like litotes - using understatement to make his point, like 'you're not half bad'. You've taken it literally to mean you're near the bottom but it's ljust a jokey way of saying he likes you without it sounding false or ott. Because if he'd said you were the prettiest (and who would say that it sounds naff) it'd sound like a lie and like he was just saying what he had to. Honestly this kind of chat is a minefield and your insecurities are more unattractive than any physicality. Don't get into such fishing and focus on building your own self esteem.

Men like to think they’re punching; they just do. So who knows? He either perceives your ex as better looking than him or he’s trying to neg you.

I remember a boyfriend saying something like this years and years ago and I felt like shit for the rest of the relationship,

Honestly, I have little sympathy for anyone who goes down this road. Can’t imagine why you were showing him a picture of your ex, can’t imagine why you pursued a conversation about whether you were better looking than his other GFs. Don’t do it again would be my advice.

What a ridiculous reaction OP. If you engineer a situation you can’t then complain about the outcome. I often think when I read posts on here how people manage to get through the day with seemingly no ability to deal with anything other then sunshine and roses, what a great example.

Showing photos of exes is really weird.

I think that's how men talk. It's a jokey/understated way of saying you're good looking. I have a male friend who had a huge crush on a mutual colleague of ours. She was stunning, and he thought so too. He described her as "not ugly" when he actually meant "She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

I wouldnt be able to move on from that. What a stupid response from him. Of course he should have said the same thing you did.

Why were you showing him a picture of your ex?

He problably wanted to boost his ego and brag that he has had very good looking gf’s, so that in his mind you would be greatful he is with you.

You both sound immature.

Agree. But then he must be pretty thick not to rectify the situation when he saw her reaction.

yes exactly that.

Play stupid games, get stupid prizes.
it wasn’t a nice thing to say no but I can’t understand why you were showing a picture of your ex?
This seems like quite an immature thing to do

He sounds a bit socially inept as that was clearly going to be something that makes you insecure and overthink. (I am assuming he wasn't deliberately trying to do that).

But the real issue is that when you expressed yourself he was dismissive and didn't see an issue.

"not the ugliest" just isn't a kind or appropriate thing to say. There's many, many other things he could have said that would have still been honest but made you feel good about yourself.

Something like "I've been with a range of different people but you have the most gorgeous eyes by far" (or picked another feature).

It's is what happens when you start routing through the past, why you need to show him pictures of your ex I have not idea, the past is the past and best left like it.
I also feel you're overreacting.

"F&ck around and find out"

Maybe her reaction was slightly annoying to him, and he didn't want to pander to her. I always get irritated when people fish for compliments.