You’re not the ugliest.

[Looloolo]

I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for about a year.

Tonight I was going to show him a photo of my ex and he said that he hopes he isn’t better looking than him. I said no, quite the opposite.

I said well I feel the same about his exes too and he replied that I’m not the ugliest.

I said that’s not nice to know, that I’m not the ugliest when he could have said I’m the prettiest. It makes me sound like I’m near the bottom.

He said I was being unfair but didn’t correct his statement. Then he carried on like normal.

Honestly, I’m devastated. Properly and utterly crushed. I feel disgusting. I feel like every time he complimented me he was being insincere.

I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life, like I’m good for everything except looking at.

I’m not unrealistic btw. I know I’m far from the most beautiful girl in the world, but I was starting to feel confident in his company and now I feel like it’s gone.

I don’t even know how to fix it because if I told him how I felt all he could do was try saying I was the prettiest girl he’d been with but it’d sound like lies.

Why are you showing him a photo of your ex?

It does sound like he was joking, probably because it was an awkward moment.

It may reveal what he thinks deep down or alternatively it may just have been clumsy wording and he didn’t mean anything by it.

I think you should raise it with him though or else it will always rankle. Give him another chance to rephrase it, but if he doubles down well you kind of have your answer there as harsh as it may be.

That being said, it was a bad idea for both of you to get into that kind of discussion altogether. It’s just unnecessary.

I may or may not have dated men objectively more handsome than my partner. However one thing I’ll say for sure is they weren’t as kind and amazing as he is. And that’s what is most important.

I wouldn’t have a discussion as to where he was placed in terms of attractiveness, it’s not even something I really think of since the most attractive man to me in the moment is always the one I like ‘now’. And I certainly wouldn’t want him to discuss how he rates me in comparison with his exes. I actually don’t mind if he thinks any of his exes are prettier than me (as long as he doesn’t want to be with them or anything) but I still wouldn’t want him to tell me that. It’s just uncomfortable and unnecessarily blunt.

You went fishing for compliments then didn't like what you heard.

You put him in a deliberately difficult position.

You admit you are not the most beautiful, yet you wanted to hear that.

He only had three options:

• tell the truth, which you didn't like
• lie, which you wouldn't want
• don't answer, probably would have also offended you

Best not to put those you love in these situations, nor yourself if you know certain answers might make you feel worse afterwards.

WTF? Why were you showing him photos of your ex?

Finally, someone else who understands this!

I get so sick and tired of being told that I am the weird one for thinking that asking someone "do you like my dress?" and similar is rude, because you are fishing for compliments and putting the other person in an awkward position.

He should probably have lied, because that would have been the safer option

He chose to tell the truth, which was hard to hear for you

However, you already know that you're average looking so logically, chances are, you wouldn't be the prettiest woman he's ever dated

Hard to hear though, I understand that

I wonder if he was feeling insecure about your exes so he hit out at you to make you feel the same?

OP, do you believe dating is a beauty contest? That everyone settles on the best-looking partner they can get, regardless of anything else?

If you feel other factors like character, interests, sexual compatibility, ambitions and the rest of it come into play, then your feeling annihilated by his comment makes no sense. It wouldn't matter if you were the ugliest, as it'd mean you had better qualities than all of the prettier girls.

If you do believe your boyfriend only cares about looks, then you're insulting him. You're implying that [a] he's shallow & superficial, and [b] he isn't good enough to bag a beauty queen.

It's no surprise relationships don't last these days is it? My DH and I make fun of this stuff all the time and laugh about it.

Maybe don't show pictures of your Xs?

Maybe don't take everything to heart?

It sounds really immature - the kind of thing I worked about when I was in my early 20s

• firstly why are you showing your ex
• secondly so what if you are the prettiest, ugliest, second ugliest or somewhere in between. There’s always someone prettier and less attractive than you- relationships are about a lot more than that. And as you both get older you won’t be getting any more attractive so having a partner value you for who you actually are is what counts anyway

you seem very petty and bothered about really trivial things

There was never going to be a good outcome playing such a stupid game.

Just complaining about the stupid prize OP won.

@Looloolo Is your boyfriend the best looking man you've ever dated? Every relationship has a reacher and a settler. If he is then in this case you are the reacher.

@Namechangedforthis25 Wouldn't be so sure about neither of them improving in time, the average 40s woman on dating apps is better looking than the average 40s man 😂

This was a terrible question.

Is unlikely you will be the 'prettiest' woman he's ever dated, and that doesn't matter. You don't need to "win" every individual characteristic battle to be the person he wants to be with.

I would expect a man to think the woman he loves is very attractive, whether or not that's objectively true. Don't most of us see the people we love through rose colored glasses?

Talking about ex’s is a terrible idea, showing photos of ex’s and rating each other against previous ex’s is an insane thing to do. It’s almost like you were trying to make each other feel like shit.

Nothing good was going to come of that conversation was it? How about concentrate on the fact you’ve chosen to be together (so presumably find each other attractive, hopefully based on more than looks?)?

Don't ask if you don't want to hear the truth. There's always someone hotter than ourselves.

My really handsome boyfriends were sort of losers and things wouldn't have improved over time so I dumped them early on to avoid wasting my time.

I married someone that I'm attracted to but it's definitely not the hottest I dated; however, he's the best in personality, suitable for me and we fell in love. I know I'm not the hottest woman of the world or even of a room (but I'm very confident) so I'm not going around asking him to compare me.

Is your boyfriend the best looking man you've ever dated? Every relationship has a reacher and a settler. If he is then in this case you are the reacher.

Oh for goodness sake, what meaningless twaddle. The kind of crap I used to read (and laugh at) in teen magazines in the 80s.

Bit of a sad, shallow topic to explore in an adult relationship.
However, if you both found it worthy of discussing, maybe you are made for each other…regardless of looks.

I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life, like I’m good for everything except looking at.

He never said that though did he. He didn’t mean that either I’m quite sure.

But if you feel that strongly about it then don’t see him again. Just end it and move on. And never, ever ask such shallow-minded questions of any future boy-friend again unless you want to keep having to face this dilemma.

He simply framed it wrongly as ugliest is an ugly word to start with, but you invited his comment. And you did put him on the spot. Nobody likes being forced to play a comparison game based on looks like that. What were you hoping for by showing a photo of your ex.?
Had he said you aren’t the most beautiful you wouldn’t have been happy with that either I’m sure.
So really, logically, he couldn’t win. And at least he was honest.

I think you need to think again OP.

There are many different attributes that make up beauty, -confidence in yourself regardless of how you look being one of them. And there are many different personal perspectives on the subject. What is beautiful to one isn’t the same for another thank goodness.
He wasn’t complaining …still isn’t complaining. He just moved the conversation on. So just relax and try to think past it. And stop fishing for compliments. Don’t depend on any body else’s opinion for your own self-esteem. Know that you make the best of yourself in every way like everybody has to and remain cheerful about it.

You started the comparison didn't you?
You clearly don't like his response.
Take your oil.